Thanksgiving dinner with wife's sister

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LighthouseRon

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I’m looking for advice about a situation. My wife invited her sister with her husband and three kids for Thanksgiving dinner. Her sister practices Paganism and dabbles in Witchcraft as well. She claimed to be Christian for a while but when she learned of most Christian religions being opposed to so-called gay marriage she became very hostile toward Christianity and is very vocal about it and I’m sure there will be remarks about how evil Christianity is while at our home. As a result, I want to have Thanksgiving dinner with my brother who lives 100 miles away after he gets home from work. Of course that will mean my wife and I will be apart on Thanksgiving and she will be very hurt but I’m not comfortable having her sister in my home and ridicule my beliefs. I’ve discussed this with my wife and she says that’s her sister and has no problem with it. My brother lost his wife last July and will be alone but he works long hours and our time together will be short, maybe an hour or so. My question is should I suck it up and deal with my wife’s sister or just get out for the day and let things fall as they will?

Thanks for any advice.
 
That’s tough. i guess because of the distance you have to choose one or the other and not do dinner at one place with leftovers and dessert at another? Can you spend the day after Thanksgiving with your brother or his first day off with him?

Leaving your wife and kids for Thanksgiving doesn’t sound like a reasonable solution. Your SIL is obviously inappropriate if she chooses to bring up touchy subjects during dinner. Could you enlist your wife to try to consistently change the subject?
 
I would be very annoyed if my husband wanted to ditch on me for Thanksgiving, regardless of the reason, and particularly if I was the one preparing and hosting the dinner.

Okay. That’s an understatement. I would be screaming mad about it. I would be thoroughly miffed at the mere suggestion of it. I would wonder why my husband didn’t mention his irreconcilable aversion to my loudmouthed sister when we discussed inviting her in the first place. However, if you decide to go that route, you would probably do much better to emphasis the lonely plight of your brother, rather than how annoying and opinionated her sister is. That being said, why don’t you invite your brother to come to dinner with your family? Then he won’t be lonely and you’ll have someone else to talk to .
 
Ron, I didn’t catch if you and your wife have children living at home who will be there; just that your SIL has children. If you don’t have children there, then I would say suck it up for the sake of your relationship with your wife. Or, if your wife is okay with it, go visit your brother if he’s alone.

If you DO have children, especially impressionable ones, I’d say that either your wife or you needs to butch up and tell your SIL that if she’s going to celebrate the holiday with you, she needs to be respectful of your beliefs and not be negative in any way; and if she is not amenable to that, then she needs to not visit. Bringing that kind of anti-Christian bigotry to your home is unacceptable. If the tables were turned and you were visiting HER home, she wouldn’t want you to be vocally nasty about her lifestyle.

My two cents.
 
You have a good point Allegra however shouldn’t my feelings be considered before the invitation is made to the sister? I’m upset that nothing was discussed with me until the invitation was made. Because I’m not happy I realize that I might not be as rational as I could be otherwise, which is why I’m asking. I need an unbiased opinion.

Thank you for the opinions so far.
 
I agree with Allegra - why don’t you invite your brother to Thanksgiving with you? I understand your feelings are hurt, but you have to be mature about it - it’s happened, and now you need to work with it. Leaving your wife to see your brother isn’t going to help the issue. Of course you should tell your wife that next time you would like to talk about who to invite, but for this time, just leave it.

I would try not to make a big argument from it. Stick to neutral topics when talking, and if your SIL brings something up, say “This really isn’t the time or place to be discussing this”. If she continues, say “Let’s focus on Thanksgiving rather than our own opinions. Today is an important day we shouldn’t spend focusing on our differences” or words to that effect.

Lou
 
It seems like there are a couple of issues here that need to be addressed.

One is the rude sister-in-law. The other is the bereaved brother.

I think that a guest in someone’s home has an obligation to avoid being rude to one’s hosts. That may mean that certain topics are not open to discussion. Ideally your wife would take the lead in explaining to her sister that dissing your faith is not acceptable. If your wife won’t do it, then perhaps you need to.

It would also make a difference if you have children in the home. What you might be willing to tolerate yourself isn’t necessarily what you want to expose your children to.

As far as your brother, keep in mind that holidays are difficult for those who are grieving. The familiar way of celebrating is gone and, especially the first time around, there may be little to celebrate. He needs your support right now.

I wonder if you have dinner with your sister-in-law, if your wife would be willing to accompany you to your brother’s house on Saturday or Sunday.
 
Thank you Sugabee for the opinion. My wife and I have no kids. Our home is kind of a tough situation because both my mother and her mother live with us. When my wife and I got married we agreed to stay with Mom on the property (20 acres) and look after things. That was 20 years ago. My wife’s mom moved in almost 7 years ago and when that happened I was told she would stay about 2 weeks. Again I wasn’t consulted and simply informed she would stay for a while. Needless to say it’s a sore spot in our marriage.
 
LighthouseRon said:
You have a good point Allegra however shouldn’t my feelings be considered before the invitation is made to the sister? I’m upset that nothing was discussed with me until the invitation was made. Because I’m not happy I realize that I might not be as rational as I could be otherwise, which is why I’m asking. I need an unbiased opinion.

Thank you for the opinions so far.
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Unless inviting your sister-in-law is already established as a Thanksgiving tradition in your family, your wife certainly should have discussed inviting her sister with you prior to doing so. I can understand you annoyance if that didn’t happen, but I think the situation can be saved with an honest conversation. Tell you wife that you are not comfortable with antiCatholicism at you dinner table. Come up with a reasonable plan for what you will do if you SIL becomes inappropriate. Decide who will say what and when if that boundary isn’t being observed. (hint: Ideally, it should be her.)
 
Thank you for your responses. It seems the consensus is I would be wrong to leave my wife on Thanksgiving. I suppose me leaving has an element of punishing my wife in it. That’s not good for a marriage.

As a side note, my brother was invited but his work schedule and distance to travel make it impossible for him to come. I can go to his house and drive back late and sleep in the next morning. My brother doesn’t have that option.
 
Invite your brother. Don’t miss an opprotunity to live your Christianity life in a quite, loving manner. We teach and preach by example. Peace.
 
LighthouseRon said:
Thank you for your responses. It seems the consensus is I would be wrong to leave my wife on Thanksgiving. I suppose me leaving has an element of punishing my wife in it. That’s not good for a marriage.

As a side note, my brother was invited but his work schedule and distance to travel make it impossible for him to come. I can go to his house and drive back late and sleep in the next morning. My brother doesn’t have that option.
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Why not set a different day for your Thanksgiving day according to his schedual. A lot of people do because of work. Take your wife to his special Thanksgiving, too. Probably would be good for both of you to get away.
 
I agree with Monicad. The underlying problem with this is the lack of communication between you and your wife.

You’re seeing it this way:
My wife doesn’t ask for my opinion, and she has made decisions that she expects me to be happy with. To show her I’m not happy, I’ll go against her decision and see my brother and avoid my SIL’s anti-Catholicism.

But your wife may be seeing it this way:
Thanksgiving is a time for family, and I’ll invite my sister because of this. I don’t need to tell my husband because my mother already lives with us, and my sister doesn’t live far away, so it’s obvious what I’ll do.

And then when you tell her you aren’t happy:
My sister is my sister, and it’s only a meal - he can last that long. It doesn’t really matter, because he’ll accept it, like when this happened.

And the this would be the last time your wife made a decision that you accepted because you couldn’t really change anything.

Have you had a conversation with your wife about this? Does she realise how much you mind, or does she think you’ll just move past it?

Have you considered getting some counselling to help you communicate better? Your wife needs to realise that she can’t keep making decisions alone that affects you as a couple.

Lou
 
SuscipeMeDomine said:
It seems like there are a couple of issues here that need to be addressed.

One is the rude sister-in-law. The other is the bereaved brother.

I think that a guest in someone’s home has an obligation to avoid being rude to one’s hosts. That may mean that certain topics are not open to discussion. Ideally your wife would take the lead in explaining to her sister that dissing your faith is not acceptable. If your wife won’t do it, then perhaps you need to.

It would also make a difference if you have children in the home. What you might be willing to tolerate yourself isn’t necessarily what you want to expose your children to.

As far as your brother, keep in mind that holidays are difficult for those who are grieving. The familiar way of celebrating is gone and, especially the first time around, there may be little to celebrate. He needs your support right now.

I wonder if you have dinner with your sister-in-law, if your wife would be willing to accompany you to your brother’s house on Saturday or Sunday.
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+1
And set aside a different; entire day to spend with your grieving brother.
One of our catechists had her Thanksgiving meal last Sunday, to avoid the hassle of
many sets of in-laws and various prickly people. She had her kids and grandkids over, and they had a marvelous time. Then those people are free to choose where they go on the actual holiday.
 
pianistclare said:
+1
And set aside a different; entire day to spend with your grieving brother.
One of our catechists had her Thanksgiving meal last Sunday, to avoid the hassle of
many sets of in-laws and various prickly people. She had her kids and grandkids over, and they had a marvelous time. Then those people are free to choose where they go on the actual holiday.
Click to expand...
Good idea. Thank you!
 
I agree with Monicad. I was going to post something similar, but Monicad said it way better than I ever could.

It sounds like this goes way deeper than a Thanksgiving invite. Does she make decisions that affect both of you without consulting with you first? Financial? Household?

I agree that your wife should be the one to say something to her sister if she says anything anti-Catholic. If your wife won’t do it, then perhaps you should think about doing so. Maybe say something like, “I respect your opinion, however, this is MY house and anti-Catholic comments and the like are not welcome here.”

I’m sure that you may get a mouthy answer from your sister-in-law. You can just keep calmly repeating that you respect her views and she needs to respect yours. I’m sure this isn’t going to score brownie points with the Mrs., but since she probably won’t stand up for you on this issue, I think you have every right to assert yourself, especially since it is your home, too.
 
LighthouseRon said:
I’m looking for advice about a situation. My wife invited her sister with her husband and three kids for Thanksgiving dinner. Her sister practices Paganism and dabbles in Witchcraft as well. She claimed to be Christian for a while but when she learned of most Christian religions being opposed to so-called gay marriage she became very hostile toward Christianity and is very vocal about it and I’m sure there will be remarks about how evil Christianity is while at our home. As a result, I want to have Thanksgiving dinner with my brother who lives 100 miles away after he gets home from work. Of course that will mean my wife and I will be apart on Thanksgiving and she will be very hurt but I’m not comfortable having her sister in my home and ridicule my beliefs. I’ve discussed this with my wife and she says that’s her sister and has no problem with it. My brother lost his wife last July and will be alone but he works long hours and our time together will be short, maybe an hour or so. My question is should I suck it up and deal with my wife’s sister or just get out for the day and let things fall as they will?

Thanks for any advice.
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I have a lot of siblings (with spouses) and all with different perspectives and many that clash with mine. I also am a Catholic at family gatherings in a sea of protestants. Though one sister also became a Catholic years after I did. We used to occasionally have some heated arguments when my mom was still alive and we gathered at her home for Thanksgiving.

If I do Thanksgiving or any family gathering at MY home, then those who attend will respect MY very fair rules which I make known ahead of time. Period. Or they will sadly not attend by their own choice. Main rule is to Not to criticize another’s religion. And no discussion that could lead to argument at the table. After dinner, what you discuss is your own choice to deal with as long as it doesn’t get too heated.

When I was young I learned valuable lesson from one of my sisters who truly did not get along with another sister. They used to argue a lot & loudly, which upset everyone and got others involved. She said she decided that she can endure almost anything for the greater good of us all being together. She surmised that since it was a very limited amount of time, she could allow a few things to slide that if she had to deal with regularly she would not.
I found that by adopting her attitude, I was able to let go of things I’d normally have an issue with. It made for a much better and peaceful visit all around. Big family’s can be tough to be around, but since its a temporary gathering it truly should be dealt with as just that. Temporary.

I do believe your wife should have discussed Thanksgiving guests with you. But all is not lost. You can let her know, and hopefully agree, that you’ll speak with SIL ahead of time, to remind her you’re aware of her beliefs, she is aware of yours and since she is coming to your home, she needs to be OK with you saying Grace before the meal OR she can step away from the table until your Thanks to God are finished and then rejoin the group. Her decision.
You can tell her since your household is Christian. You do not want her to discuss her paganism.

By letting everyone know ahead of time what you expect, there should be no problems or issues. You can remind how the gathering is to reflect on what everyone is Thankful for. And how THAT is the theme of Thanksgiving at your home. That and spending some time together in peace.

Perhaps you can invite your brother? And I agree with another poster who suggested changing the date for when he is available to come. Thanksgiving is for family. ALL of the family.
When my parents were alive my siblings and I gathered for Thanksgiving AND Christmas, though many of us siblings had to travel very far. Many times we celebrated Thanksgiving on a different day so we could all be together. It was always worth it to be together!

I pray you can set down a few rules to be respected and let go of things you have no control over and just be glad those who are atill alive can and will share their day with you and your wife.
 
If the SIL lives within a reasonable distance and has done Thanksgiving with you before, it may just have gone without saying.

If my sister lived within 100 miles, I would be spending Thanksgiving with her and her family.
LighthouseRon said:
You have a good point Allegra however shouldn’t my feelings be considered before the invitation is made to the sister? I’m upset that nothing was discussed with me until the invitation was made. Because I’m not happy I realize that I might not be as rational as I could be otherwise, which is why I’m asking. I need an unbiased opinion.

Thank you for the opinions so far.
Click to expand...
 
I caught up with the thread.

Is your wife happy living on your mom’s property? Moving her mom in may have been tit-for-tat for having to live so close to your mom.

Do you guys do enough together without the moms?

Also, if your wife has no children, her sister’s children may be especially precious to her.
 
Sugabee43 said:
Ron, I didn’t catch if you and your wife have children living at home who will be there; just that your SIL has children. If you don’t have children there, then I would say suck it up for the sake of your relationship with your wife. Or, if your wife is okay with it, go visit your brother if he’s alone.

If you DO have children, especially impressionable ones, I’d say that either your wife or you needs to butch up and tell your SIL that if she’s going to celebrate the holiday with you, she needs to be respectful of your beliefs and not be negative in any way; and if she is not amenable to that, then she needs to not visit. Bringing that kind of anti-Christian bigotry to your home is unacceptable. If the tables were turned and you were visiting HER home, she wouldn’t want you to be vocally nasty about her lifestyle.

My two cents.
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This! In your situation I would have a talk with sil prior to her visit. That kind of talk or worship
Would not take place in my home period. Kids no kids. At some point a line must drawn. Just my opinion.
 
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