Work on your relationship with God first and everything else will fall into place. Ask God to help you make sense of it all, to lead you in your desire to be a writer. You need to start writing again for the pure joy of the art rather than worrying about success. God may be saving your talent to do something much greater than you can imagine, because he has greater plans for you than you have for yourself, I have a strong suspicion that you need personal and spiritual growth before you can have something to share through writing. If you feel like you keep running into a brick wall, maybe you need to look up for awhile instead of straight ahead. There just may be a door through that wall you can’t see because you are too busy trying to go though the way *you *think you should. It is easy for humans to start to think that we need to “go it alone, and make our success in life” but truly it is a working partnership with the Lord. I only know this because I have experienced it for myself, and it has given me overwhelming peace.
It sounds like you are doing a job you hate in a city you don’t want to live in, with a lady you are not truly happy with because you have taken it upon yourself to sacrifice everything for her.
It is a good thing to sacrifice for others, but when embarking on marriage, it is a two way street. You aren’t buying the ring because something is telling you that you aren’t ready to be married yet. Allow yourself some time to relax, pray and do some serious soul searching. Make it a constant prayer that you ask God to lead you. The only peace in this world is through Christ. If you are seeking inner peace and happiness through obtaining a goal, success, material gain, thinking if you only line all your ducks up in a row with a wife, perfect career and home, you won’t find it. Peace can’t be found there, unless you are able to see the hand of God in everything.
You say you have sacrificed yourself for her. I can relate to this because I do the same for my children. One thing that has really helped me is to understand what Mother Theresa did and why. I began to offer up every sacrifice I made for the conversion of sinners, for the conversion of myself and my family. When my children would ask for a drink I would consider that I was giving the least of his people a drink. By loving and caring for my helpless children, I began to realize that I was doing it for Christ. Rather than being so draining the Grace of God filled the emptiness and sustained me.
Life will always feel like a burdon, no matter how successful you are, if you don’t find peace with God first. That can only be found by making a good confession (we all need to do it time to time, I know I do and feel much better afterwords) and receiving the sacraments, through prayer and sacrifice. Once you are able to put God 100% first, you will have all the Grace you need to do all the things that you want to do.
If you don’t believe me, just watch* E True Hollywood story* for a few days. You begin to see a theme of extremely talented, people, successful by the world’s standards, yet far too many are self destructive, depressed, desperate people. Then turn on EWTN and watch some shows about the lives of saints, watch some interviews on “The Journey Home” If you can watch the interviews with Mel Gibson about making “The Passion” you will see that the only difference between both groups of successful people depend solely on their relationship with God.
The only peace in this world comes from Christ. You are unique and beautiful, your dignity comes from God who created you to be so much greater than you could ever dream of our plan for yourself. Your gift with words is not what gives you worth, it is only a gift that God has given you, to be shared. One thing that helped me with this is, I refused to compare myself to others, or other people to each other. Instead, I began to ask myself the question "What is that person
trying to do for the Kingdom of God? “Forget my failures and successes, what am I *trying *to do to bring about the kingdom of God?” When you get in the habit of that you begin to look at yourself and fellow human beings through the eyes of God.
You have dignity, worth and purpose without writing or any other talent or success. Once you believe that and you feel the peace of Christ, you will be able to write freely.
I wrote so much here, because I understand at least part of your struggle, and I’m not only wordy but a fast typer.
Glory to God in the Highest and peace to His people on Earth!
Peace to you!
And I’ll tell you, you (and all of us, for that matter) have two choices: make the effort, or give up. Giving up could possibly mean the loss of your soul. If you’re not striving forward, you’re falling backward. There is no such thing as standing still.
The fight against spiritual apathy is lifelong.
I will pray for you.