The ‘I’m Not Ready to Get Married’ Trap

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The statement “I’m not ready to get married” is a current example. Said by more and more Americans between the ages of 21 and 40 (and some who are older than that), it usually qualifies as both meaningless and untrue. And it is one reason a smaller percentage of Americans are marrying than ever before.
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So, here’s a truth that young Americans need to hear: Most people become “ready to get married” when they get married. Throughout history most people got married at a much younger age than people today.
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They were hardly “ready.” They got married because society and/or their religion expected them to. And then, once married, they tended to rise to the occasion.
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nationalreview.com/article/429065/not-ready-get-married-trap

Although the author is Jewish, this fits with my experience and observation and I’m sure I’ve heard it before somewhere.

But it seems that modern Catholic teaching takes a different view. I can’t remember enough of my Catholic education to say for certain but it’s my vague impression that the Church teaching to wait to get married is something new arising out of the growth of annulment. If a marriage might be invalid for lack of preparation, and therefore be annuled, then it follows that one must be prepared to get married. On the other hand, if marriage is, itself, the preparation for marriage then it’s harder to justify many annulments.
 
I married young for an atheistic college grad (early 20’s) and it was hands down the best choice either of us could have made. But, we didn’t feel that conflict between being kids and being married like a lot of millennials do. We still take road trips with friends, we still go to bars and wild parties every weekend, I still further my education (he’s done), and we even had roommates for a while! It was and still is a lot of fun. Too many people think they can be young and fun or married and dull. Being young, married, adventurers is great, and it gives us both a lot more personal and financial security than we would otherwise have, and it lets us prepare for the next stage of life much more easily than our still single counterparts. I have a cousin in a very marriage, and its really been great for them too. I think that’s a message more people need to hear.
 
I’m willing to believe that a person that says “I’m not ready to get married” is not ready to get married.

Also, bear in mind that it may be a euphemism for “I don’t want to marry you.”
 
Well, BlueEyedLady is an Atheist so her views on such things are different than ours…
 
Disturbing? Seriously? Before we moved across the country we shared a 2 bed/2 bath with his best friend because A. It was cheaper, and B. They are like brothers and he’s never been anything but a friend to our marriage. It’s really not uncommon for couples to have a roommate or two in a large city. After we moved but before we found our apartment, we rented a room in the home of another young couple for a couple of months. 3 years later, they’re still great friends of ours.
 
I had married roommates. They weren’t planning a pregnancy, but if they had, well, I’d have been looking for a place because they would have needed my room! You do get a bit of a heads-up before a baby arrives, you know! 😃

Seriously, the way the place was laid out, we had our privacy. I had my own social life, so they had many evenings at home alone. It was fine. We actually rented from a woman who lived in a flat she’d set up in the basement. I think she’d planned to rent out the flat, but she decided when it was done that she’d be happy to live down there with her cats and make more money by renting out the house upstairs.
 
Sometimes I think that there are so many single people in the world because they simply can’t read others.
I’m not ready to get married is exactly as Xan says: I don’t want to marry you.
I continue to be amazed at how we can put spin on the simplest social conventions.
She’s not interested.
He’s just not that into you.
However you want to say it or spin it, it’s the same. 🤷

Why have we lost the ability to converse and truly hear others?
Maybe because we spend so little time in real life friendships…few community-wide social events…

:hmmm:
 
This is based only on the people I know, but usually “I’m not ready to get married” means either:
  1. I like giving my girlfriend or boyfriend “X” amount of my life and running the rest as I please, ultimately spending my time and money as I please, and I don’t want to give that up quite yet.
  2. I’m in school and cannot be a parent right now, and so I can’t get married yet.
  3. I’m hoping I find somebody better to marry than my current boyfriend/girlfriend, but I’m too afraid that I won’t to break up with him/her. I’ll play the wait-and-see for as long as I dare, because even though it isn’t a perfect match I’d rather marry the one I have now than grow old alone or get stuck marrying someone like the losers my friends are dating and marrying.
  4. I’m afraid of divorce.
People are very afraid of not marrying well enough and winding up “miserable” in the wrong marriage or else getting divorced out of the blue over something they never saw coming. They do not see themselves as easily contented with a person who is “merely” a good person that they will trust and grow to love more and more as the years pass.

The Pope has said he has run into the same thing in seminarians. They are afraid to sign on to the priesthood for a lifetime, because they don’t think they could stand it if they were to become priests and then start to imagine they might like to try something else.

Afraid of Missing Out is a huge obstacle to both commitment and contentment these days.
 
What’s wrong with actively avoiding pregnancy?

What is wrong with roommates?
Before my husband and I bought our house we had roommates in a house. How is that disturbing? We met another pair of married, young Catholics. They owned the house and we rented space from them, cheaply, so we could get our finances in order so we could buy a house.

I don’t see much difference from that and moving in with inlaws.
 
EasterJoy said:
This is based only on the people I know, but usually “I’m not ready to get married” means either:
  1. I like giving my girlfriend or boyfriend “X” amount of my life and running the rest as I please, ultimately spending my time and money as I please, and I don’t want to give that up quite yet.
  2. I’m in school and cannot be a parent right now, and so I can’t get married yet.
  3. I’m hoping I find somebody better to marry than my current boyfriend/girlfriend, but I’m too afraid that I won’t to break up with him/her. I’ll play the wait-and-see for as long as I dare, because even though it isn’t a perfect match I’d rather marry the one I have now than grow old alone or get stuck marrying someone like the losers my friends are dating and marrying.
  4. I’m afraid of divorce.
People are very afraid of not marrying well enough and winding up “miserable” in the wrong marriage or else getting divorced out of the blue over something they never saw coming. They do not see themselves as easily contented with a person who is “merely” a good person that they will trust and grow to love more and more as the years pass.

The Pope has said he has run into the same thing in seminarians. They are afraid to sign on to the priesthood for a lifetime, because they don’t think they could stand it if they were to become priests and then start to imagine they might like to try something else.

Afraid of Missing Out is a huge obstacle to both commitment and contentment these days.
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From some folks I know, it also means-
  1. I don’t see the institution of marriage as having anything to offer
    (i.e. I will not ever be ready to get married)
 
EasterJoy said:
This is based only on the people I know, but usually “I’m not ready to get married” means either:
  1. I like giving my girlfriend or boyfriend “X” amount of my life and running the rest as I please, ultimately spending my time and money as I please, and I don’t want to give that up quite yet.
  2. I’m in school and cannot be a parent right now, and so I can’t get married yet.
  3. I’m hoping I find somebody better to marry than my current boyfriend/girlfriend, but I’m too afraid that I won’t to break up with him/her. I’ll play the wait-and-see for as long as I dare, because even though it isn’t a perfect match I’d rather marry the one I have now than grow old alone or get stuck marrying someone like the losers my friends are dating and marrying.
  4. I’m afraid of divorce.
People are very afraid of not marrying well enough and winding up “miserable” in the wrong marriage or else getting divorced out of the blue over something they never saw coming. They do not see themselves as easily contented with a person who is “merely” a good person that they will trust and grow to love more and more as the years pass.

The Pope has said he has run into the same thing in seminarians. They are afraid to sign on to the priesthood for a lifetime, because they don’t think they could stand it if they were to become priests and then start to imagine they might like to try something else.

Afraid of Missing Out is a huge obstacle to both commitment and contentment these days.
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This would match up with my experience.

I got engaged at 20 and married at 23. First baby at 24. I sometimes wish I got more sleep, but really don’t feel like I’ve missed much. I only know one couple who travels much and they are very, very wealthy - even when DH and I were both working we didn’t make enough to travel a lot. Even pre-kids we didn’t do the bar thing much. It got old in college. Also never understood the appeal of sleeping around and hooking up. It may have been exciting at first, but a real chore socially when you had to avoid former flings AND their former flings.

I know a few women my age who have been waiting for a proposal forever. They look longingly at my kids and beg to hold them and play with them. I seem to be incredibly fertile, but I don’t know how long it will last. There certainly does seem to be a tendency to want to see if one can do “better” and not settle down. I don’t advise ignoring red flags, but yeah, there’s a lot missing socially, I think.
 
And
  1. They’ve been told they cannot marry until they have finished their education, paid off all or most of any student loans, saved money for 6 months expenses, have become well established in a career, have dated for more than a year or two, have started investing in retirement and in a savings for a future mortgage, have saved for the rings, and can pay for a wedding and reception.
If I’d have waited until I was ready by today’s standards, I’d still be single and childless at 40. :rolleyes:
 
A lot of men do not want to get married. Ever.

There is an acronym floating around for these men called MGTOW. Men Going There Own Way.

They see the deck stacked against them in terms of divorce. In the secular world, women file for divorce far more often then men and when they go to court…they lose absolutely everything.

It’s an epidemic and a lot of men are opting out of it.

Nothing beyond hookup relationships with women. Nothing long term and no moving in together or mixing finances.
They don’t want to give women any indication of wanting to get married.
 
Kelfa28 said:
A lot of men do not want to get married. Ever.

There is an acronym floating around for these men called MGTOW. Men Going There Own Way.

They see the deck stacked against them in terms of divorce. In the secular world, women file for divorce far more often then men and when they go to court…they lose absolutely everything.

It’s an epidemic and a lot of men are opting out of it.

Nothing beyond hookup relationships with women. Nothing long term and no moving in together or mixing finances.
They don’t want to give women any indication of wanting to get married.
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Eh…I’m really unconvinced by this “movement” that pops up here on CAF every few months. A quick Google shows only 12K ‘likes’ on FB, it’s a small subreddit, and most of their discussions seem to revolve around women - mgtow is the last resort after a lifetime of rejection. They boast about not being successful professionally and complain that women have never given them the time of day. It’s basically an internet subculture devoted to whining. I really don’t believe this is or will impact mainstream society in any way. It seems to come up here disproportionately often given it’s lack of significance.
 
styrgwillidar said:
From some folks I know, it also means-
  1. I don’t see the institution of marriage as having anything to offer
    (i.e. I will not ever be ready to get married)
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I think it can also mean, I get my milk for free, why buy the cow?
 
St_Francis said:
I think it can also mean, I get my milk for free, why buy the cow?
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According to the few I’ve talked to, they’re afraid they won’t be the side of the fence with grass on it. Honestly, I’ve been told, “I’m not in a hurry to get married, but on the other hand I don’t want to find out I’ve messed around so long that I find myself old and nobody wants me.” It is totally about wanting to keep options open just as long as one still has choices but not so long that the music stops and there are no chairs to sit in. The idea of self-gift isn’t there. It is balancing a desire to exploit one’s youth for as long as possible with the fear of being rejected for having gotten old before settling down.
 
EasterJoy said:
According to the few I’ve talked to, they’re afraid they won’t be the side of the fence with grass on it. Honestly, I’ve been told, “I’m not in a hurry to get married, but on the other hand I don’t want to find out I’ve messed around so long that I find myself old and nobody wants me.” It is totally about wanting to keep options open just as long as one still has choices but not so long that the music stops and there are no chairs to sit in. The idea of self-gift isn’t there. It is balancing a desire to exploit one’s youth for as long as possible with the fear of being rejected for having gotten old before settling down.
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Great analysis! The idea of keeping options open, and for sure the lack of self-giving love fit right in to what I have seen.
 
I like this article, with the exception of this part:
And then there is the economic argument. Many single men, for example, say they are not ready to get married because they don’t have the income they would like to have prior to getting married. As responsible as this may sound, however, this is not a particularly rational argument. Why is marrying while at a low income a bad idea? In fact, marriage may be the best way to increase one’s income. Men’s income rises after marriage. They have less time to waste, and someone to help support — two spurs to hard work and ambition, not to mention that most employers prefer men who are married. And can’t two people live on less money than they would need if they lived each on his or her own, paying for two apartments?
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This might be true, if a couple doesn’t have any children right away.

There are a lot of reasons people avoid marriage, but I don’t think economic reasons are anything to scoff at. Saving up for a big wedding and making sure you have a lot of savings first might be unreasonable, but I don’t think it’s “irrational” to want to be able to provide a roof, some food, and some good health insurance for your potential kids by having a stable job and not start off your marriage deep in student loan debt.
 
I think “Not ready” means just that. For instance, myself 10 years ago (age 23 back then) was certainly not ready. It was a close call on my readiness when I popped the question a few years ago.asking other things I want ready to give up the simplicity and freedom of singlehood. Actually, that is my greatest struggle and resistance in marriage thus far. And when considering marriage is the most dangerous decision one will make in life, it requires careful consideration.

Since marriage requires giving up or limiting certain freedoms and conveniences, there is definitely a need to discern readiness. For instance, marriage means I lost the freedom to die stupidly (i can’t take up chainsaw juggling).

I think the author, who’s radio show I’ve listened to misses the fact that while a good marriage and what it yields is the best thing ever, a bad marriage can break a person in many aspects. But I suspect that the personal traits that lead to good marriages is responsible for a lot of the benefits vs simply being married.
 
Bubba_Switzler said:
nationalreview.com/article/429065/not-ready-get-married-trap

Although the author is Jewish, this fits with my experience and observation and I’m sure I’ve heard it before somewhere.

But it seems that modern Catholic teaching takes a different view. I can’t remember enough of my Catholic education to say for certain but it’s my vague impression that the Church teaching to wait to get married is something new arising out of the growth of annulment. If a marriage might be invalid for lack of preparation, and therefore be annuled, then it follows that one must be prepared to get married. On the other hand, if marriage is, itself, the preparation for marriage then it’s harder to justify many annulments.
Click to expand...
I would argue strongly that the majority of Catholics seeking marriage are not actually prepared and ready for marriage. Most people have zero idea of what marriage means in the Catholoc Church and what being married entails. We need to bring back reading the exhortation before marriage like in the good ol’ days.
 
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