The 50 Shades Craze

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GomezU

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We have been infected by the 50 Shades of Gray craze. A friend of my wife’s gave her the first book to read. First evening, she got through 142 pages. I glanced through what was read, and don’t understand the effect. Her friend promised it would spice up her low menopausal libido. Thanks to my own snooping through the book, I was awake on and off through the night stimulated with anticipation of my wife being more into lovemaking. You know what happened? Nothing. She came to bed and went to sleep. Now, being a person who fought the dead-end scourge of porn, and continue to be a stone’s throw away from falling back into it’s trap, I spent the next hours off and on wondering where this spice up thing was. Doesn’t take much to get a guy intrigued. Next day after work, she read more and more. I asked her how she liked the book and she said it was “weird”. Kissed and hugged and she complained of being tired, and we went to sleep. I have done searches on the net and the pages are chock full of wives who have an increased desire and their marriages are benefitting from it. I don’t get it. I realize she is dabbling in sin reading such a thing, but how the heck can she be that resistant? It seems like females everywhere are enthralled with this book. It has had zero effect on her. We love each other very much, but infrequency of sex is very trying to me. It’s a constant battle for me to stay on the straight and narrow road. The other two books in this trilogy are on their way. I can’t help thinking I am on a slippery slope. I wish this book never came to her. I initially thought it would help her, but if it has zero effect, what the heck is the point? All this is doing is filling me with anticipations of things that may never happen: more frequency. I’ve talked about this time and time again with her, but I still get refusals after refusals with a once and a great while yes. How to deal with this? I do the whole thing too like prayer prayer prayer, regular confession (she has not gone in years), so don’t tell me to pray. I’m just looking to see what other guys do. I show her constant love and affection, but get nothing in return.
 
Let me get this straight.

You think your wife was sinning by reading some trash semi-porn book. You’re upset, not because your wife was reading this book, but because it’s not making her want to have sex with you. :confused: So if it had turned her on and she was jumping all over you, you would be fine with it?

I don’t get it. Be glad you’re blessed with a wife who’s too intelligent to get turned on by useless trash. I hope you two can start trying to get to the root of any sexual problems you have, via professional help, instead of making it worse with trashy chic lit. Prayers for you.
 
I had not heard of 50 Shades, so I googled it. Unfortunately I can not unknow what I now know.

I agree with the PP. Your wife shouldn’t be reading it and you shouldn’t be hoping it makes her want to have sex with you.

You should be addressing the no-sex issue completely apart from this porn book your wife decided to read. You should encourage her to throw it in the trash. Those types of books in no way reflect the authentic love between husband and wife.

Get professional counseling for the two of you. Your priest or a qualified CATHOLIC therapist.

Has your wife seen a doctor?
 
Thanks for the replies. You hit the nail on the head. Yep, my own frailties and weaknesses. Just needed to hear it from someone outside. My main purpose is to illustrate the angst and the utter fact that that eyebrow-less demon (think Passion of the Christ) is always prowling around with that smirk on his miserable face looking to tempt someone. The battle never ends indeed. I will remain positive in the light of Christ.
 
GomezU said:
Thanks for the replies. You hit the nail on the head. Yep, my own frailties and weaknesses. Just needed to hear it from someone outside. My main purpose is to illustrate the angst and the utter fact that that eyebrow-less demon (think Passion of the Christ) is always prowling around with that smirk on his miserable face looking to tempt someone. The battle never ends indeed. I will remain positive in the light of Christ.
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Please know that no one is making light of your situation. Your wife’s refusal to engage in intimacy with you is a serious thing.

It is just that this book is not the answer!
 
1ke said:
I had not heard of 50 Shades, so I googled it. Unfortunately I can not unknow what I now know.
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I know that feeling. These books are terrible. One of my friends bought me a copy because she knows I like to read. Having already heard of the books, I politely declined it. These are porn for women, and just as sinful.
 
In the way some men can look at Hustler and say, gross, and actually not find the idea of a woman spread legged for the whole world to investigate as a turn on, Many women are not turned on by trash.

Perhaps your wife is a romantic. Turn ons for many women have little to do with the torrid description of a sexual act. We are often much more in our heads.

I’d guess you have a very closed off relationship with each other. If after so many years of marriage you don’t know what your wifes turn ons are, it would seem either a) she has some sort of sexual disfunction or b) neither of you has bothered to consider the other.
 
This may be for an Apologist, but does she sin when she refuses for no reason? I’ve seen various answers to this and looking for an answer according to canon law.
 
No I can’t possibly see why it would be a sin for her to refuse.

However it’s not right to expect someone to have a stronger desire for sex, based on reading a trashy erotic novel. Have you actually just sat down with your wife and asked her why she doesn’t want to have relations?

Going through menopause would lower the drive, but is there another reason? Marriage is not based on sex alone, marriage is based on love.

God Bless :signofcross::byzsoc:
 
Of course we talk. We talk all the time. She assures me there is no problem with me. We do NOT have a closed-off relationship. I’m sorry I posted now. I’ll be stronger and remain patient and loving. That’s all I can do. That book got things going in my head that should not be there. I can deal. I’m not 13 anymore.
 
GomezU said:
This may be for an Apologist, but does she sin when she refuses for no reason? I’ve seen various answers to this and looking for an answer according to canon law.
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Yes, I believe it is a grave sin for her to refuse. But others here will be able to confirm/correct this.

But you’re probably only going to create more damage if you try to guilt her into it out of obligation. Check out one of the other dozens of threads on this problem. Many men are going through the same thing as you and they have been given much good advice.
 
GomezU said:
This may be for an Apologist, but does she sin when she refuses for no reason?
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Yes, possibly.

You are not going to find an answer in canon law-- it is not a juridical matter. It is a matter of moral theology.

For example, the encyclical Casti Connubii discussed the marital debt.

But, if your wife has some sort of phyiscal or psychological issue I would refrain from framing it as “sin” or “not sin”… that is unlikely to get you anywhere.
 
LoyalViews said:
No I can’t possibly see why it would be a sin for her to refuse.
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Because when we marry we exchange the right to marital intercourse, in an absolute way. We are not to withhold it from one another. St. Paul even discusses this in 1 Corinthians 7:

The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband
A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.
 
GomezU said:
Of course we talk. We talk all the time. She assures me there is no problem with me. We do NOT have a closed-off relationship. I’m sorry I posted now. I’ll be stronger and remain patient and loving. That’s all I can do. That book got things going in my head that should not be there. I can deal. I’m not 13 anymore.
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Please don’t get discouraged, Gomez. The key here is that when talking isn’t enough anymore, you have to seek outside help (not through books like 50 Shades though). If your wife hasn’t already gone to a doctor she should. If the two of you aren’t already in Catholic marital counseling about this, you should.
If you’re already doing those things, then you’re doing a good job. It’s a difficult cross to carry and you don’t have to be so hard on yourself.
 
Schieffelin said:
Please don’t get discouraged, Gomez. The key here is that when talking isn’t enough anymore, you have to seek outside help (not through books like 50 Shades though). If your wife hasn’t already gone to a doctor she should. If the two of you aren’t already in Catholic marital counseling about this, you should.
If you’re already doing those things, then you’re doing a good job. It’s a difficult cross to carry and you don’t have to be so hard on yourself.
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👍
 
"Because when we marry we exchange the right to marital intercourse, in an absolute way. We are not to withhold it from one another. St. Paul even discusses this in 1 Corinthians 7:

The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband
A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control."

I think the issue of whether her “withholding” is a sin or not stems from the reason for her refusal. She may be angry (doesn’t sound like it, from your post) or she may have physical issues that make intimacy uncomfortable or painful.

Can’t help thinking of that old Woody Allen movie, where the couple separately discusses a question from the therapist as to the frequency of their sex life;
He says - we hardly ever have sex, maybe three times a week?
She says - we have sex ALL the time, like three times a week!!

I’m not making light of your issue, I’m just saying that with increased communication, love, understanding and prayer you should be able to get to a place that is good for both of you.
 
Thanks, everyone for the advice, insight and kind words. Will keep up the fight and keep faith.
 
1ke said:
For example, the encyclical Casti Connubii discussed the marital debt.

But, if your wife has some sort of phyiscal or psychological issue I would refrain from framing it as “sin” or “not sin”… that is unlikely to get you anywhere.
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This is good advice.

The marriage debt is very real and spouses do “owe” it to each other. But to frame it as a duty, debt, obligation is not likely to get you anywhere. A discussion with your priest or a catholic counsellor might help you both understand this issue and frame it in a more positive manner…not so much as a “debt” or “obligation”, but an important aspect of marriage for the good of both spouses.
 
1ke said:
Because when we marry we exchange the right to marital intercourse, in an absolute way. We are not to withhold it from one another. St. Paul even discusses this in 1 Corinthians 7:

The husband should fulfill his duty toward his wife, and likewise the wife toward her husband
A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife. Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.
Click to expand...
Okay, I understand.
 
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