The aftermath of adultery

[Bean]

My question is for anyone whose spouse committed adultery. How long does it take to “get over it”? How long does it take before you start trusting your spouse again? Did your spouse sever all ties with the other person? Was that a requirement of yours to stay together? We are working on staying together but I have good days and bad days. The bad days are really bad; sometimes I feel like I’m driving myself crazy thinking about it so much. But how do I not think about it? Sometimes I can go weeks at a time without thinking about it but right now, it always seems to come back to dominate my thoughts for days at a time. When I’m in one of those periods it seems like the pain will never subside; never go away. Am I doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life; even if we stay together?

 

[bjmiller100753]

My question is for anyone whose spouse committed adultery. How long does it take to “get over it”? How long does it take before you start trusting your spouse again? Did your spouse sever all ties with the other person? Was that a requirement of yours to stay together? We are working on staying together but I have good days and bad days. The bad days are really bad; sometimes I feel like I’m driving myself crazy thinking about it so much. But how do I not think about it? Sometimes I can go weeks at a time without thinking about it but right now, it always seems to come back to dominate my thoughts for days at a time. When I’m in one of those periods it seems like the pain will never subside; never go away. Am I doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life; even if we stay together?

Based on your opening statement, I’m not qualified to give you an answer but let me try anyway. My guess is that the majority of the folks here on the forums, including myself, are not certified counselors. From reading your post, you might want to consider counseling; both for you as an individual and marriage counseling for you and your spouse together. I also see that you are Catholic. I’d suggest you also talk with a priest about this to help you with any spiritual healing that needs to happen.

Even if there are folks here on the forums who have experienced similar situations, their situation is not like yours; they are not you. What worked for them may not work for you. If you decide to pursue counseling, the counselor can tailor assistance designed to help you (and your spouse if you also seek marital counseling). The best that most of us here on the forums can offer you is our prayers. Know that you will be in mine. God’s peace and blessings be with you and your spouse.

 

[Publisher]

Based on your opening statement, I’m not qualified to give you an answer but let me try anyway. My guess is that the majority of the folks here on the forums, including myself, are not certified counselors. From reading your post, you might want to consider counseling; both for you as an individual and marriage counseling for you and your spouse together. I also see that you are Catholic. I’d suggest you also talk with a priest about this to help you with any spiritual healing that needs to happen.

Even if there are folks here on the forums who have experienced similar situations, their situation is not like yours; they are not you. What worked for them may not work for you. If you decide to pursue counseling, the counselor can tailor assistance designed to help you (and your spouse if you also seek marital counseling). The best that most of us here on the forums can offer you is our prayers. Know that you will be in mine. God’s peace and blessings be with you and your spouse.

I agree. I would suggest finding yourself a counselor or therapist to work this out with them. I’m sure your church could offer someone with whom you share the same faith with.

My experience…it can take years…but it does get better…not necessarily easier to think about, but each time it comes up…offer it back to God.

Forgiving others isn’t always easy in matters of the heart…but forgiving is always the best policy…one doesn’t always forgive others because they need your forgiveness…we forgive because we need to forgive…only then can deep healing occur…our own forgiveness took lots of suffering and a cross to achieve…

peace to you.

 

[Seatuck]

My question is for anyone whose spouse committed adultery. How long does it take to “get over it”? How long does it take before you start trusting your spouse again? Did your spouse sever all ties with the other person? Was that a requirement of yours to stay together? We are working on staying together but I have good days and bad days. The bad days are really bad; sometimes I feel like I’m driving myself crazy thinking about it so much. But how do I not think about it? Sometimes I can go weeks at a time without thinking about it but right now, it always seems to come back to dominate my thoughts for days at a time. When I’m in one of those periods it seems like the pain will never subside; never go away. Am I doomed to feel like this for the rest of my life; even if we stay together?

www.retrouvaille.org A lot of those folks have been through this kind of thing and managed to save their marriages. I’d give them a call and consider a weekend.

I do think severing all ties is essential.Time and repetative trustworthy behavior on the part of the adulterer go a long way toward healing the marriage.

 

[imom130]

Bean,
I just joined this group, probably for the same reason you did. When I read your post, it was like I was reading my own thoughts. I have the same questions. We have gone to marriage counseling, and I have talked to my priest. I feel lost and don’t know what to do. I know God wants us to forgive but my husband’s affair went on for 5 of the 15 years we were married. I feel I can forgive better if I leave. Not seeing him would stop the daily reminders of what happened. I feel like a fool for all the lies that were told to me on a daily basis. On top of all that he now tells me he doesn’t believe in God. Any advice?

 

[Bean]

Bean, … Any advice?

I think most of the good advice was already given by the responders to my initial post. Since I wrote this it has gotten better. We still have our bad times but we’re working together to get through them. You said you have “gone” to marriage counseling; if you’re not still going I’d suggest starting again. I’d also echo the poster who suggested Retrouvaille. There is no magic bullet. It is a long, hard journey that takes a long time but it does get better if both of you are truly willing to try. I wish I could sprinkle fairy dust and make it all better (for both of us) but the sad reality is there’s still a lot of pain to go through. I believe it’s worth it.:console:

 

[imom130]

Bean,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement, they really touched me. I’m still not sure what to do, but I will pray and ask God for guidance.
imom