What initiated your detour? Your answer will help me with my recommendation as well as provide me with the insight needed to springboard my experiences in my response. Thank you…teachccd
After years of growing doubts about Protestantism – God was never a question – I stopped going to church. This is not a good lifestyle for one’s faith so after a year or so of being '“unchurched”, much of that spent in heavy dialog with thoughtful, committed Catholic friends I’d known for a long time, I decided to take a serious look at becoming a Catholic, “swimming the Tiber”. I was already “pre-Catholic” in significant regards, accepting that *sola scriptura *was a bogus idea, accepting the Catholic formula of faith and works in terms of justification, sanctification and soteriology (see Francis Beckwith’s conversion to Catholicism around that time – similar kinds of convictions on those issues).
If I was going to make the switch, and try to convince my family to come with me, I wanted to make sure I could make it stick, and could unreservedly commit to life as a devout, practicing Catholic. It was very important that Catholicism was not just another bit of “religious flailing” for me.
So that triggered for a process of critical review – starting from “first principles” with everything on the table – as a way to get things lined up for becoming a Catholic, enrolling in RCIA, and making that last. Part of that was a “square one” review of why I believed in God in the first place, engaged in part with friends who were thoughtful Catholics, well educated in their faith. This was not a test of
if I believed in God, but
why, as the basis for accepting the role of the Catholic Church’s teaching and authority.
That caused a complete crisis I was totally unready for. Building up my case for God caused a panic. I had an intuitive sense of God, and a “faith life” that was rich in “supernatural experience”, but I had come to know through science and real life, just how dubious intuition was – great as hypothesis, but not knowledge itself. I considered myself an evidentialist, along the lines of Lee Strobel and William Lane Craig, and turning to them to save me from my doubts just pushed me further over the edge, reading their arguments and realizing how woefully inadequate they were.
My Catholic friends tried all sorts of things – the Five Ways and Thomistic philosophy, which makes God look even more like a sham than it ever had (and I was already familiar with them, and considered them a big strike against Catholicism as “the truth”). I was encouraged to pray, meditate, seek, and get busy with charity and giving, all of which I did, and thought to be a rewarding experience, but yet a godless one, a process where my “asking” just made God’s silence and absence all the more conspicuous.
Reading posts here at CAF really pushed me over the edge – in a good way, I think now, but in a terrifying, oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-ruin-my-life-and-lose-my-marriage-and-family kind of way. Hanging out with Protestant evangelicals for the previous years, searching, thinking, testing, had shown to me that the chances that they were fooling themselves and simply believing what they wanted,
because they wanted, were very high. One key problem in evangelicaldom is that thinking, rational Christians cannot resist the truly delusional faction, the young earth creationists, fundamentalists, the pharisees, the self-idolizers.
CAF is much more skewed toward thoughtful Christianity, but intense dialog with Christian friends (offline) on this, and reading a lot at CAF (and other places) produce the same conviction: Catholic is
better at fending off rank foolishness than conservative Protestantism is, but only just; in the end, Catholicism cannot distinguish itself from foolishness that
wants to be deluded any more than Protestants can.
Foolish self-delusion does NOT disprove God. Finding hostility toward reason and love of one’s own intuition over all else does not justify atheism. But what it does do is convict an honest man – when you see it in others, you can see it in yourself. These extreme examples – see the evolution denialism going on here right now, for example – are useful as a “mirror” of sorts. In them, I was shown my own folly, how deeply committed to fooling myself about God and the soul and eternity. I hadn’t been that extreme since my “rabid fundy” days as a young adult, but I was doing the same thing, and was just putting an intellectual veneer on it. If anything, I was more foolish and dishonest then the crazies. At least they were clearly identifiable. I was a “crypto-crazy”, one who was just as committed to fooling myself about God and religion, but also committed to being dishonest about it.
That was it. That tore it. I pleaded with friends, Protestant and Catholic, to help me find a way to falsify my convictions that I’d been willfully fooling myself for so long. Their valiant efforts only served to reinforce the conviction, to show how they were fooling themselves, too, alas. Even with my marriage, family relationships and social circles hanging in the balance – that’s a lot to work to maintain! – the “routes to God” I had maintained, intuitive, revelatory, evidential, all were closed off, untenable.
There was no “death in the family” or personal crisis like that near this. I was quite excited, frankly, to be approaching a faith I could believe in in a way that matched my faith in God himself. Indeed, becoming an atheist was as terrifying and costly for me as it was unexpected. In trying to “rebuild my base” for a switch to the “next 30 years” for me as a Catholic, that analysis revealed my intuitions, my claimed evidence, and my sense of the supernatural to be much more efficiently and robustly explained as naïve creduility toward instinct, emotional desire, and my pseudo-reasoning sophistry about the evidence for God.
-TS