D
dmar198
Guest
I wrote a draft version of the Book of Ruth in poetic form. Only problem is, it’s not very good. I’m looking for feedback on what exactly is wrong with it, because I can’t put my finger on it.
For some background, be aware that I’m trying to imitate something of the grand style of George Chapman’s Illiad, as well as his meter and rhyme scheme, only I want to do that with the biblical text instead of the Illiad and I want to update the language to better reflect modern English. So please – help me figure out what exactly is wrong with my version of Ruth.
Here is some of the first chapter:
Chapter 1
[1:1] In bygone days, when judges ruled, and famine swept the land
A certain man of Bethlehem took wife and sons in hand.
From Judah where he lived his days he journeyed far away
And came to Moab, gentile land, with purpose there to stay.
[1:2] The man was named Elimelech, his wife Naomi was,
And Mahalon and Chelion were what he called his sons.
Descended from the Ephrathites of Bethlehem they were
And set a camp in Moab with a mind for living there.
[1:3] One day the man Elimelech departed from this life
And left his boys to give support to Naomi his wife.
[1:4] The boys then sought for wives among the people of the land.
The one a girl named Orpa found and pledged the marriage band.
The other also found a girl who went by name of Ruth
And dwelt the boys a decade with the spouses of their youth.
[1:5] Now Mahalon and Chelion together lost their lives;
They thus bereaved their mother and made widows of their wives.
[1:6] Then fled Naomi from that land which stripped away her joys,
And headed back to Judah with the widows of her boys.
For she had heard that God had blessed His servants in the land
And given them a bounty from His munificent hand.
[1:7] And so went forth Naomi from the country where she dwelt
With women who replaced the men whose loss she sorely felt.
With earnestness within her for Judea and her home,
[1:8] She bade the women listen who had followed where she roamed.
“Now go,” said she, “and get back to your mothers and your own,
The Lord will show you kindness for the kindness you have shown.
For not to me alone have you been good for all these years;
You’ve also been a blessing to the husbands of your tears.
[1:9] “So now may God repay you with new homes and families,
And in the place of all your woes God grant you grace and peace.”
Then kissed she them while both the women lifted up their voice
And poured out tears abundantly and made a mournful noise.
For comparison, here are the first few lines of Chapman’s Iliad, with the spelling updated:
Achilles’ baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that imposed
Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls losed
From breasts Heroic—sent them far, to that invisible cave.
That no light comforts; and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave.
To all which Jove’s will gave effect; from whom first strife begun
Betwixt Atrides, king of men, and Thetis’ godlike Son.
For some background, be aware that I’m trying to imitate something of the grand style of George Chapman’s Illiad, as well as his meter and rhyme scheme, only I want to do that with the biblical text instead of the Illiad and I want to update the language to better reflect modern English. So please – help me figure out what exactly is wrong with my version of Ruth.
Here is some of the first chapter:
Chapter 1
[1:1] In bygone days, when judges ruled, and famine swept the land
A certain man of Bethlehem took wife and sons in hand.
From Judah where he lived his days he journeyed far away
And came to Moab, gentile land, with purpose there to stay.
[1:2] The man was named Elimelech, his wife Naomi was,
And Mahalon and Chelion were what he called his sons.
Descended from the Ephrathites of Bethlehem they were
And set a camp in Moab with a mind for living there.
[1:3] One day the man Elimelech departed from this life
And left his boys to give support to Naomi his wife.
[1:4] The boys then sought for wives among the people of the land.
The one a girl named Orpa found and pledged the marriage band.
The other also found a girl who went by name of Ruth
And dwelt the boys a decade with the spouses of their youth.
[1:5] Now Mahalon and Chelion together lost their lives;
They thus bereaved their mother and made widows of their wives.
[1:6] Then fled Naomi from that land which stripped away her joys,
And headed back to Judah with the widows of her boys.
For she had heard that God had blessed His servants in the land
And given them a bounty from His munificent hand.
[1:7] And so went forth Naomi from the country where she dwelt
With women who replaced the men whose loss she sorely felt.
With earnestness within her for Judea and her home,
[1:8] She bade the women listen who had followed where she roamed.
“Now go,” said she, “and get back to your mothers and your own,
The Lord will show you kindness for the kindness you have shown.
For not to me alone have you been good for all these years;
You’ve also been a blessing to the husbands of your tears.
[1:9] “So now may God repay you with new homes and families,
And in the place of all your woes God grant you grace and peace.”
Then kissed she them while both the women lifted up their voice
And poured out tears abundantly and made a mournful noise.
For comparison, here are the first few lines of Chapman’s Iliad, with the spelling updated:
Achilles’ baneful wrath resound, O Goddess, that imposed
Infinite sorrows on the Greeks, and many brave souls losed
From breasts Heroic—sent them far, to that invisible cave.
That no light comforts; and their limbs to dogs and vultures gave.
To all which Jove’s will gave effect; from whom first strife begun
Betwixt Atrides, king of men, and Thetis’ godlike Son.