The case against big public surprise proposals

[EasterJoy]

Then we shouldn’t praise anyone – because other people might feel bad or inferior.

People in general shouldn’t announce an engagement, shouldn’t have weddings that they invite people to, because people that want to get married might feel bad.

People shouldn’t have awards ceremonies, or trophies, because people might feel bad.

This logic doesn’t work.

I have heard people say that people shouldn’t make birth announcements in public because they don’t know which people present want to get pregnant and can’t. That’s not a workable solution to the difficulty of wanting something very much that other people are getting and you are not. If you do that, all of a sudden the widows are going to be left out of all the engagement parties, whether they want to be or not. It isn’t a tenable protocol for our shared life. No, even thought of course we also have private lives, we both grieve together and rejoice together. That is what makes us one.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Then we shouldn’t praise anyone – because other people might feel bad or inferior.

People in general shouldn’t announce an engagement, shouldn’t have weddings that they invite people to, because people that want to get married might feel bad.

People shouldn’t have awards ceremonies, or trophies, because people might feel bad.

This logic doesn’t work.

And no one should dare have children.

 

[Anglewannabe]

“When I have better things to do”? Wow! Clapping for a newly engaged couple really puts you out, doesn’t it? I can’t imagine being forced to endure something so “disgusting” (your word) as two people publicly declaring their intent to marry and then be expected to give 10 whole seconds of my life to clapping in congratulations…

There is such a thing as too much information such as a man pouring his heart out to a woman in public If it was a simply ‘we are getting married’ that is one thing but all the poetic expression of love do make me disgusted. Too close for comfort. And usually it is not 10 seconds, the whole focus of the night becomes the couple

And oh my goodness think of the children! What will become of little ones who are forced to see this horrifying spectacle!?..

Not sure where that came from, I never mentioned children

C’mon, a public proposal wouldn’t have been my thing, but they are far from offensive.

Again, matter of opinion

 

[Anglewannabe]

Then we shouldn’t praise anyone – because other people might feel bad or inferior.

People in general shouldn’t announce an engagement, shouldn’t have weddings that they invite people to, because people that want to get married might feel bad.

People shouldn’t have awards ceremonies, or trophies, because people might feel bad.

This logic doesn’t work.

There is a time and place for everything. If I went to an awards gala, I am well aware there will be people praised. I know what I am getting into before I enter the room and I can choose to go or stay home. And it is one thing to announce an engagement, which is totally different than the attention seeking of public proposals

I never said people should quit living, I said public proposals can be offensive to the stander bys

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There is a time and place for everything. If I went to an awards gala, I am well aware there will be people praised. I know what I am getting into before I enter the room and I can choose to go or stay home. And it is one thing to announce an engagement, which is totally different than the attention seeking of public proposals

I never said people should quit living, I said public proposals can be offensive to the stander bys

If a public proposal “offends” you, then you’re choosing to be offended and your sensibilities don’t really deserve any consideration on this one. Sure, if the guy is being sexual, or going on and on about how she saw him through smack addiction, prison, and rehab, that’s going a bit far. But a few lines about their journey together and what she means to him is just part of the human experience.

 

[pianistclare]

“When I have better things to do”? Wow! Clapping for a newly engaged couple really puts you out, doesn’t it? I can’t imagine being forced to endure something so “disgusting” (your word) as two people publicly declaring their intent to marry and then be expected to give 10 whole seconds of my life to clapping in congratulations. And oh my goodness think of the children! What will become of little ones who are forced to see this horrifying spectacle!?

C’mon, a public proposal wouldn’t have been my thing, but they are far from offensive.

You read my mind.

 

[Boccherini]

If a public proposal “offends” you, then you’re choosing to be offended and your sensibilities don’t really deserve any consideration on this one.

You could say that about anything that people are offended at.
All right, offended is a strong word, but a public proposal is not just an announcement that two people are engaged. It’s a bit of theatrics that involves other people in what is usually private.

 

[PaulinVA]

Getting married is a business proposition. Don’t try to get a signature on the contract if you haven’t negotiated yet.

At the same time, you need to know the local customs. Does her father expect the man to talk to him first? Does she expect a ring as part of the proposal? Does she want to shop for it? Does he want a yes before committing to buy a ring?

None of the things discussed here are objectively right or wrong. I would never ask a girl to marry me without knowing she would say yes, because we had discussed it thoroughly. Really, I am conservative and a bit of a traditionalist, but this idea of the man has to make this elaborate proposal and the woman has to be swept off her feet seems sexist and a little misogynistic.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Well, I’ll offer my story.

He and I discerned, did pre-marriage questions and marriage prep through our dating. Took the focus. Went to look at rings together so he knew what I liked. We are long distance, so I suspected, but wasn’t sure that the ring was made in time for his trip.

I am a music director at a parish-- have been at this one for 13 years. This parish is my family. He planned with the pastor ahead of time and proposed at the end (during the announcements) at mass.

I wasn’t put on the spot. He had my preferences for a ring. Yet, still got to be surprised, and also in front of my parish family.

He said:
“Like Jesus offered himself for his bride, the church, I’m offering to give myself to you”

Had many tell me that they were inspired by it.

I confess, this story got me teary eyed. I think his wording was beautiful. God bless.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

My dad came from a small Sicilian village. The tradition was when man was interested in proposing, he would bring a serenade under her window, and she would say yes by turning on the light, and then coming downstairs to tell him in person.

Perhaps the timing was a surprise, but the proposal wasn’t.

It was pretty public, though.

 

[Boccherini]

None of the things discussed here are objectively right or wrong. I would never ask a girl to marry me without knowing she would say yes, because we had discussed it thoroughly. Really, I am conservative and a bit of a traditionalist, but this idea of the man has to make this elaborate proposal and the woman has to be swept off her feet seems sexist and a little misogynistic.

Yes, I agree, it’s a strange modern manifestation of something that can easily verge on disrespect to women.

 

[Anglewannabe]

You could say that about anything that people are offended at.
All right, offended is a strong word, but a public proposal is not just an announcement that two people are engaged.** It’s a bit of theatrics that involves other people in what is usually private**.

Thank you, somebody gets it

 

[agapewolf]

Getting married is a business proposition. Don’t try to get a signature on the contract if you haven’t negotiated yet.

…

None of the things discussed here are objectively right or wrong. I would never ask a girl to marry me without knowing she would say yes, because we had discussed it thoroughly. Really, I am conservative and a bit of a traditionalist, but this idea of the man has to make this elaborate proposal and the woman has to be swept off her feet seems sexist and a little misogynistic.

Actually, a marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It is infinitely more than a “business proposition”

As well as, song of songs, the lover woos the other. While it doesn’t need to be elaborate, the “proposal” imitates the proposal that Jesus gives us, the bride. He woos us to the altar table, the "marriage bed’. This is TOB. It is in no way sexist or misogynistic, it is an honor for the man to “woo” and ask.

 

[PaulinVA]

Actually, a marriage is a covenant, not a contract. It is infinitely more than a “business proposition”

As well as, song of songs, the lover woos the other. While it doesn’t need to be elaborate, the “proposal” imitates the proposal that Jesus gives us, the bride. He woos us to the altar table, the "marriage bed’. This is TOB. It is in no way sexist or misogynistic, it is an honor for the man to “woo” and ask.

On a practical plane, it is a business proposition. While marriage can be an illustration of God’s love for his Church. it has very concrete reality. Two people become one. They combine their finances, their resources, their lives, to live together. That was my point.

And, it is sexist, on the secular plane, to think that women can not make a rational judgement and have to be persuaded by a ring and a spectacular proposal. Maybe the current way of thinking is why so many marriages end in divorce?

 

[EasterJoy]

Getting married is a business proposition. Don’t try to get a signature on the contract if you haven’t negotiated yet.

At the same time, you need to know the local customs. Does her father expect the man to talk to him first? Does she expect a ring as part of the proposal? Does she want to shop for it? Does he want a yes before committing to buy a ring?

None of the things discussed here are objectively right or wrong. I would never ask a girl to marry me without knowing she would say yes, because we had discussed it thoroughly. Really, I am conservative and a bit of a traditionalist, but this idea of the man has to make this elaborate proposal and the woman has to be swept off her feet seems sexist and a little misogynistic.

Don’t try to get a spouse by approaching a prospective wife as if she were some business concern you want to “merge” with, either. The merging of finances is a drop in the bucket compared to giving your whole life, wouldn’t you say?

No one says that a woman “has to be” swept off of her feet with an elaborate proposal. There are women who have had that experience and treasure the memory of how the question whose answer was pretty much known was “formally” posed, though. Many men know the woman they want to marry well enough that there isn’t a lot of guesswork about whether or not it is welcome.

Having said that, few good matches will succeed or fail on whether the party making the initial proposal “guesses right,” though. There might be negative feedback, but how often is a good prospect turned down outright because the question was posed in the wrong way? Not that often. If I had a friend who was turned down because he had tried to do something nice, though, I wouldn’t advise him to think he’d missed out on the catch of a lifetime.

And, it is sexist, on the secular plane, to think that women can not make a rational judgement and have to be persuaded by a ring and a spectacular proposal. Maybe the current way of thinking is why so many marriages end in divorce?

Who on earth thinks that these proposals sway a woman who wasn’t already going to say, “yes”? It is supposed to make it more fun and memorable for her; it is not some kind of a high-pressure sales ploy. If that is the thought, the person making the proposal has to remember that there is a cooling off period and a 100% right to rescind acceptance of the proposal at any time until binding consent has been exchanged.

 

[PaulinVA]

Who on earth thinks that these proposals sway a woman who wasn’t already going to say, “yes”? It is supposed to make it more fun and memorable for her; it is not some kind of a high-pressure sales ploy. If that is the thought, the person making the proposal has to remember that there is a cooling off period and a 100% right to rescind acceptance of the proposal at any time until binding consent has been exchanged.

That is the impression I get. I may be wrong. This thinking has even permeated the asking girls to prom in my area.

I agree that marriage is so much more that a merger of finances. BUT, it’s also so much more that two people get gooey feelings for each other and getting married.