The Collapse of My Marriage... Your Thoughts?

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ChristmasFnatic

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I just want to share my tale. A sad tale, Ill try to keep it short as possible. lol. Anyway, do know we agreed to have an annulment now, but I just want to see your opinions. AND THANKS AHEAD!

Ok so wife and I got married Oct 2009. No kids thankfully. Were from the Philippines. She is a nursing graduate and wanna earn more, cuz well, to help her family(whos middle class like we are, but they are pushing her to get more money, for them and their relatives… I know, its like that sometimes here in the Philippines). I work online, we get by. We dont have much but were not suffering either. Our marriage got ups and downs, but we always manage to get past problems.

Anyway, opportunity came last year, as a working student in UK; there are around 20 of them from the Philippines. I am totally against it, but she begged that she needs to do this for her family and even for us. So I agreed. I told her to be faithful just as I would be. She left June 14. Around July 22, she called that its 10pm from work. No bus. She said she will call me back cuz her cell is low batt. I waited, 11pm, 12 midnight(UK time). No news. It turned morning in UK, my hands were shaking all night long, very nervous. Called her boardmates there, they said she didnt come home.

Around 9am, she called she said she stayed at a friends house, cuz 2nd bus to get home already took off. Her housemates(3 other female) called me, told me the truth. She stayed with the guys’ place. I was hurt and angry she didnt even manage to call me all night. She was being selfish. If she cared about me, she would have borrowed a cell from one of the guys. Worst is, once she knew her female housemates told me, she didnt call me for days. I was waiting for her to make an explanation. I was too angry to call her, and I didnt want to cuz I might end up raging. I didnt eat nor drink much for a week, til I got blood in my pee(UTI), when I decided to call her just to soothe my feelings.

She said she was sorry, and she didnt call cuz shes afraid Ill be mad at her. …
 
I wont post all in a single post to give you guys a headstart to read and it wont be too intimidating to read.

Moving on… Her housemates also told me that one of the guys(2 kids from 2 different women, unmarried), kept texting 4 of them girls. But of all the girls, its her who texts back a lot. I confronted her, she said its just his and hellos, and not much. I reminded her of the promises we made, no flirting, etc. She said she stopped texting the guy already.

She kept saying that their life is hard, that they have to ration everything. So I send her money and offered to buy her phone load online so she can call me(at that point, they still dont have internet). She gave me her phone account number so I can buy load online, and I know its wrong of me, but I saw a CALL/TEXT HISTORY, so when I clicked it, theres like 20-50 texts a day goin on for a month already, to the same number. I confronted her, she admitted its the guy. She said its nothing. I said 20-50 a day isnt nothing. I asked her to show me the text if its nothing; to call the phone company. She wont do it cuz she said I will overreact. I told her she said she stopped, she said she meant she stopped texting personal stuffs. Not stop texting the guy. lol. Wow just wow.

I kept bugging her about it, cuz I was of course, naturally mad, if its nothing, she will show me. Then she said she had enough of me bugging her, so she stopped taking my calls, or sometimes answer it but wont talk. Which by the way lead me to high bills that I just recently paid off(my phone was cut). After 2 weeks of hardly any contacts, we talked for in a civil manner, she said they are moving cuz their current place is too expensive. She then revealed that they already moved, 2 of the girls looked for another place, while she and another moved to the guys’ area(one that she had a scandal with)… she didnt tell me cuz her family advised her not to tell me cuz I might get mad and ask her to go home.

I was furious, as a husband I think I have the rights to know, and even I cannot do such things! Even her closest friends here in the Philippines whom I asked advice told me she is wrong. So I told her to transfer, she said, “only if you pay for everything”, I said I will, then she said she wont transfer. I told her she is being unfair to me, to our marriage. She then said Im not even good looking or successful enough to get mad.

So that is that, I lost a lot of self esteem, and pride. I remember promising her that Ill get her a laptop, so I bought her anyway, she didnt even said thanks until after a week of no contact. Next thing I know, her mother, her aunt and her uncle attacked me verbally in FB. Calling me moron or that she is too good for me. Wow.

Do know that her going there cost a lot of money. We borrowed money, from loans, her parents and mine. Im the one paying all the debts monthly. But since that, I stopped paying her parents.

One of the female housemate she was living with told me she invited her to transfer house to repair our marriage. She didnt want to, and in fact, sleeping in the same bed with said guy. She denies it, but I contact the other guys and they said its true. Theres only 2 rooms in the house. 3 of the guys in one room, my wife, the other guy, and the other girl in another. The other girl transfered already.
 
Then the scandal was made among their group. Everyone was talking about them, how she cheated on me. So she decided to transfer to London(they were at Birmingham), and she said she did it to repair the marriage. But lo and behold, she then told me she brought the guy along.

I was too depressed and suicidal. I prayed hard. But I decided for my sanity sake, that enough is enough. I told her I want an annulment, she agreed, she said I am too insane and a loser anyway.

A month ago, she emailed me, wanting to hasten the annulment(VERY VERY EXPENSIVE HERE IN THE PHILIPPINES, and Im saving up for it)…cuz she met a Polish guy. She said the other guy have a new gf. Just wow.

I miss her for who she was, who we were, who were supposed to be. But the new her, I hardly know. Her mother was always a mean woman that even she used to hate; and her aunt is old but single cuz she never seem to be in a lasting relationship. They even insulted one of their sisters for marrying a guy who is poor and “old/ugly”.

So… there you go.

Oh and one last thing. During the first month and a week that we were ok, I wrote her a letter EVERYDAY… EVERYDAY so she wont feel sad. I sent it weekly of course to save. The moment she got to UK, I ordered sunflowers online(her favorite) so she wont feel sad. I sent her a total of 3 flowers in a month. I never even asked for a letter in return, and yep, didnt get one. Well I did, but its a letter from me… a return letter cuz remember, they transfered from their first place. lol.

So what do you think guys?
 
Another thing, at one point, she did ask for forgivness and reconciliation. I told her I will but I need to know everything. She said she cant reveal it to me. She claims its only emotional cheating(which is just as bad) yet she wont show the texts. She wants a clean slate.

I told her its hard, it will be full of distrust if thats the case. If there is no closure. I need closure. She said she cant and even said I can have do anything I want, even sex with other women, for 2 months, just dont ask her and we reconcile after. Thats when I have a feeling she did more. It just drove me insane. It hurts, but I think its needed to be done.

Oh I even talked to our priest who wed us, advice and all. Our priest said to aks her to add him in Facebook since she is away, she wont even add him. Sigh.
 
Well, you did ask . . .

It sounds like you were both quite immature when you married. You’ve both acted very childishly. If you were in the same place, I would suggest some serious marriage counseling.
But that’s probably not possible under the circumstances.

Also, the fact that you’ve “agreed” to “have an annulment” doesn’t mean a thing. That will be up to the Tribunal. Bad behavior on both sides isn’t automatic grounds for an annulment.
 
agnes_therese said:
Well, you did ask . . .

It sounds like you were both quite immature when you married. You’ve both acted very childishly. If you were in the same place, I would suggest some serious marriage counseling.
But that’s probably not possible under the circumstances.

Also, the fact that you’ve “agreed” to “have an annulment” doesn’t mean a thing. That will be up to the Tribunal. Bad behavior on both sides isn’t automatic grounds for an annulment.
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Yeah I accept that I did acted childishly. I wont make excuses, but at that time its like my world turned upside down. And the fact that she is halfway across the world and will hardly talk to me really made me very angry.
 
IMHO, your wife shouldn’t travel half way across the world without her spouse. That is asking for trouble. Your the husband, the head of your household…say “no” for the good of your family.
I would also ditch Facebook. Facebook has ruined so many marriages.
 
Jordan719 said:
IMHO, your wife shouldn’t travel half way across the world without her spouse. That is asking for trouble. Your the husband, the head of your household…say “no” for the good of your family.
I would also ditch Facebook. Facebook has ruined so many marriages.
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It did?

Anyway I begged her to stay. Philippines is a third world country. I work 7 days a week, 9 hours a day just to give us a decent life. I told her Ill work more if thats what it takes. She will have nothing of it. So I trusted her, cuz I thought she will respect me, our marraige, and above all, God. But she said she needs to do it for her family. If I stop her, she may have resented me.

Now I have this humiliation facing family, relatives and friends. I feel like Im a loser. lol.
 
ChristmasFnatic,

I am so sorry to read your post. My wife carried on an affair for over almost 2 years even while we were in counseling. She never confessed to me and would never have if I did not discover the e-mails, even after finding out the truth she still e-mailed him and may still be seeing him. I also will be filing for an annulment in 2 months.

So I have firsthand experience with what you are going through and feeling. The first thing that you must remember is that YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT or a LOSER. You are a very honorable and faithful man working 7 days a week to provide for family. Yes I know that it hurts, the betrayal and deceit, but look to God for strength. For me I found so much peace when I was in Church, just staying focus on God and trusting in Him. There is no humiliation that you should be facing as you did NOTHING wrong. She chose this for herself – regardless of any reason that she tells you. I know I was given a new excuse or reason every other week or so as to why it was my fault or why she thought she could have an affair.

It will get better for you believe me, I know. Trust in God and He will deliver you from the pain and hurt you feel. And always remember you are NOT at fault, you have chosen to follow Jesus look to him for strength and guidance and He will carry you through this.

Do not take the abuse from her family also, if they try to attack you verbally again remind them that you are a Child of God and nothing that they say can hurt you.

May God bless and keep you always,

Stay strong in faith my friend.

Winter
 
Winter_Warlock said:
ChristmasFnatic,

I am so sorry to read your post. My wife carried on an affair for over almost 2 years even while we were in counseling. She never confessed to me and would never have if I did not discover the e-mails, even after finding out the truth she still e-mailed him and may still be seeing him. I also will be filing for an annulment in 2 months.

So I have firsthand experience with what you are going through and feeling. The first thing that you must remember is that YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT or a LOSER. You are a very honorable and faithful man working 7 days a week to provide for family. Yes I know that it hurts, the betrayal and deceit, but look to God for strength. For me I found so much peace when I was in Church, just staying focus on God and trusting in Him. There is no humiliation that you should be facing as you did NOTHING wrong. She chose this for herself – regardless of any reason that she tells you. I know I was given a new excuse or reason every other week or so as to why it was my fault or why she thought she could have an affair.

It will get better for you believe me, I know. Trust in God and He will deliver you from the pain and hurt you feel. And always remember you are NOT at fault, you have chosen to follow Jesus look to him for strength and guidance and He will carry you through this.

Do not take the abuse from her family also, if they try to attack you verbally again remind them that you are a Child of God and nothing that they say can hurt you.

May God bless and keep you always,

Stay strong in faith my friend.

Winter
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And Im sorry for yours. So no more reconciliation as far as youre concerned?

What bothers me really is, how can people act like this? Yes, we are all sinners, but this… this is a grave sin. How can they even sleep at night? Whatever their reason(some say they are not happy with their spouse, etc), its not excuse to cheat, to cause such traumatic emotional and mental suffering to a person.

But oh well… lets be happy were the victims and not the one doing the sin I guess. Thanks, I appreciate your help. 🙂 We can survive this as thousands have before.
 
ChristmasFnatic,

Sorry to hear of your problems. But on what grounds are you thinking you’re going to get an annulment? It’s not a divorce; you don’t just get ask for one and get one.
 
I urge you to move on.
You are still in the philippines and she is unlikely to ever return
She has shown her lack of comittment to your marriage
As much as your heart wants her to return, she is not a good and honest wife.
Pray for guidance and your pride will heal.
ChristmasFnatic said:
It did?

Anyway I begged her to stay. Philippines is a third world country. I work 7 days a week, 9 hours a day just to give us a decent life. I told her Ill work more if thats what it takes. She will have nothing of it. So I trusted her, cuz I thought she will respect me, our marraige, and above all, God. But she said she needs to do it for her family. If I stop her, she may have resented me.

Now I have this humiliation facing family, relatives and friends. I feel like Im a loser. lol.
Click to expand...
 
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