The correlation of house work and interior emotions

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Anglewannabe

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I have always been a very messy housekeeper. Living alone has allowed me the freedom to get away with it. However, it has come to my attention that this is not good and has to stop. I have decided to start to be more organized.

Well… I am finding it to be a real emotional strain. It also feels like there is always an interior struggle with boundaries.

My mom was the type to show love by doing things for me. Which meant that at university, I was shocked that other people could make their bed everyday and consider it normal. Sad but true I can count on one hand the number of times I made a my bed before leaving home. It took years for me to get rid of the notion ‘If I have to do housework it means no one loves me’

Being a single woman, there are a lot of handy man jobs I just can not do. And I have also come to the conclusion it is easier to do without then to get help. People often say ‘I will help’ and never show up. Or if they do show up and I want 1 job done, they will insist on starting 10 jobs and never come back to finish them and I have half done projects I am incapable of finishing myself. Worse is the person who insists one ‘fixing something’, breaking it and then I have twice the headache because they did not listen when I said ‘Please leave it’

I use to have a VERY controlling ‘friend’ (who I later came to see as very abusive and axed her out of my life) who would come to my place, shame me for the way I kept house, clean and implement HER organizational system (which drove me nuts). I can’t count how many times I told her to please not go into my kitchen and she would tell me I was being stupid and go through all my cupboards. I felt like my personal space was being invaded and my boundaries mocked.

So all that to say, I am trying really hard to clean and organize. But every week end when I have a 3-4 hour time slot where I could get a lot done, I end up having spiritual warfare and end up churning resentments and not getting anything done. This usually means I give up and have a mess.

Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome the past baggage in order to be able to have a semi decent clean house?

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have always been a very messy housekeeper. Living alone has allowed me the freedom to get away with it. However, it has come to my attention that this is not good and has to stop. I have decided to start to be more organized.

Well… I am finding it to be a real emotional strain. It also feels like there is always an interior struggle with boundaries.

My mom was the type to show love by doing things for me. Which meant that at university, I was shocked that other people could make their bed everyday and consider it normal. Sad but true I can count on one hand the number of times I made a my bed before leaving home. It took years for me to get rid of the notion ‘If I have to do housework it means no one loves me’

Being a single woman, there are a lot of handy man jobs I just can not do. And I have also come to the conclusion it is easier to do without then to get help. People often say ‘I will help’ and never show up. Or if they do show up and I want 1 job done, they will insist on starting 10 jobs and never come back to finish them and I have half done projects I am incapable of finishing myself. Worse is the person who insists one ‘fixing something’, breaking it and then I have twice the headache because they did not listen when I said ‘Please leave it’

I use to have a VERY controlling ‘friend’ (who I later came to see as very abusive and axed her out of my life) who would come to my place, shame me for the way I kept house, clean and implement HER organizational system (which drove me nuts). I can’t count how many times I told her to please not go into my kitchen and she would tell me I was being stupid and go through all my cupboards. I felt like my personal space was being invaded and my boundaries mocked.

So all that to say, I am trying really hard to clean and organize. But every week end when I have a 3-4 hour time slot where I could get a lot done, I end up having spiritual warfare and end up churning resentments and not getting anything done. This usually means I give up and have a mess.

Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome the past baggage in order to be able to have a semi decent clean house?

Angie
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Fly Lady.

I haven’t done the actual system, but I would suggest reading her book “Sink Reflections.”

She’s very good on encouraging (rather than shaming) the messy. As she says, "You are not behind! I don’t want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?”

I think that’s a very helpful attitude. Paradoxically, perfectionism is often what’s behind really terrible home situations. I have a semi-hoarder relative (thank goodness she’s got cleaning help now!) and one thing I have struggled with when working with her on her stuff is the perfectionism. She has to find the one perfect place for stuff, or she can’t do anything with it (for instance, there’s a doodad, and until she can find a person to take the doodad, she isn’t parting with it). Repeat for 10,000 items, and you have a problem. In a sane home, we have to be able to settle for suboptimal results. Will I miss this t-shirt if I give it to Goodwill? Maybe, maybe not, but I haven’t worn it for a year.

Try Fly Lady’s 27 fling boogie:

flylady.net/d/getting-started/flying-lessons/decluttering-15-minutes/

Helpful hint: look at your spice cupboard and your condiments (but especially the spices). I guarantee you that you will find that half your spices expired 3+ years ago and now smell exactly like sawdust. No need to sprinkle that on your food!

Best wishes!
 
I vote for FLYlady too!

I have been following her plan for years and it works beautifully. I’m not messy; just scatty and disorganised and the housework was always the first thing to go when I became busy. Read all about her plan on her site for free or, if it seems like too much all together, download her book ‘Sink Reflections’ and go from there. Good luck!
 
Pray first, and then start with one small area. If you have a favorite cd then play it.

If you concentrate on just one area (one shelf in a closet, one corner of a room, etc.) do it thoroughly and then stop…unless you feel like going to the next shelf.

Keep doing this in different areas and it will become a good habit.

Fly lady…sounds good! I have heard about her suggestions.

See what suits your personality.
 
Dorothy said:
Pray first, and then start with one small area. If you have a favorite cd then play it.

If you concentrate on just one area (one shelf in a closet, one corner of a room, etc.) do it thoroughly and then stop…unless you feel like going to the next shelf.

Keep doing this in different areas and it will become a good habit.

Fly lady…sounds good! I have heard about her suggestions.

See what suits your personality.
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Yes. Even just one drawer will make you feel better.
 
Great advice already. I am somewhat in the same boat but for different reasons.
Since my wife passed away there are things that I should - and even want to - give away or otherwise just get rid of. So much clutter. But I struggle to get motivated and then feel somewhat guilty for giving things to St Vincent’s that was hers…and on and on…
I have not entirely overcome this yet…but I’m getting there…

Something that helps me is a line from an old movie called “Bull Durham” - a baseball movie.
The older and wiser catcher is trying to teach the younger and cocky pitcher how to make it to the majors.
After the young pitcher shakes off the catchers signs, the catcher tells him to just throw what he wants and the batter naturally whacks it out of the park. The catcher then tells the pitcher, “Don’t think - it only hurts the team…Just throw the ball”. So the young pitcher keeps repeating…“Don’t think, just throw. Don’t think, just throw”.

That is kind of a long way around to suggesting that this is what we need to do for ourselves. Set out something to do (a little at a time) and then - Don’t think, just do"…
If we are going to have spiritual warfare, let it be WHILE we are doing the thing…and without stopping. At least then we are able to look back later and say that we actually DID something.
At least that is my goal…

Don’t know if the above is much help…I hope so…

Peace
James
 
Give yourself full permission to clean for only 10-15 minutes. When you are done you might see the progress and want to do more. If not, no guilt allowed. Guilt over housework impedes you.

Fly lady great for housework. Angie’s list for repairs.
 
By nature, I am not a fan of housework. But I do like things clean and tidy. I offer up my housework as a penance or sacrifice for souls. That probably sounds strange so some, but it works.

If I’m really feeling sluggish I break the chores down, area by area, with little breaks in between.
 
Use it as a Lenten experience…set aside some time on Friday to tackle a specific area or for a specific time. Offer the work and the feeling of not wanting to do it to Our Lord.

Don’t look at a whole messy house …you’ll get overwhelmed and not do anything. As others have said, break it into chunks. Clean one drawer, one shelf, one kitchen cupboard. If you do just one small part every day, you’ll make progress.

Make a rule…for everything you bring into your house, one thing must leave. This really works with clothes, makeup, etc.

Also, make a rule to toss 5-10 things a day. Some days it could be just 5 pieces of junk mail, or 10 old magazines, or a few recipes you tore from magazines that you know you will never make!

Good luck…eventually if you do this long enough, you’ll make new habits. I’ll say a prayer for your success!
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have always been a very messy housekeeper. Living alone has allowed me the freedom to get away with it. However, it has come to my attention that this is not good and has to stop. I have decided to start to be more organized.

Well… I am finding it to be a real emotional strain. It also feels like there is always an interior struggle with boundaries.

My mom was the type to show love by doing things for me. Which meant that at university, I was shocked that other people could make their bed everyday and consider it normal. Sad but true I can count on one hand the number of times I made a my bed before leaving home. It took years for me to get rid of the notion ‘If I have to do housework it means no one loves me’

Being a single woman, there are a lot of handy man jobs I just can not do. And I have also come to the conclusion it is easier to do without then to get help. People often say ‘I will help’ and never show up. Or if they do show up and I want 1 job done, they will insist on starting 10 jobs and never come back to finish them and I have half done projects I am incapable of finishing myself. Worse is the person who insists one ‘fixing something’, breaking it and then I have twice the headache because they did not listen when I said ‘Please leave it’

I use to have a VERY controlling ‘friend’ (who I later came to see as very abusive and axed her out of my life) who would come to my place, shame me for the way I kept house, clean and implement HER organizational system (which drove me nuts). I can’t count how many times I told her to please not go into my kitchen and she would tell me I was being stupid and go through all my cupboards. I felt like my personal space was being invaded and my boundaries mocked.

So all that to say, I am trying really hard to clean and organize. But every week end when I have a 3-4 hour time slot where I could get a lot done, I end up having spiritual warfare and end up churning resentments and not getting anything done. This usually means I give up and have a mess.

Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome the past baggage in order to be able to have a semi decent clean house?

Angie
Click to expand...
In addition to all the excellent advice already given, I would add: Make it fun. Once you have figured out what area you want to organize or clean, put on some upbeat music. Working to music makes household chores much more pleasant. 😉
 
I hate cleaning and so my philosophy has always been to try and avoid creating a mess in the first place. When I get something out, I have to discipline myself to put it back right away. I try to have a home for everything so that I don’t have clutter. I don’t bring mail into the house. I go straight from the the mailbox to the trashcan and dump whatever I don’t need. The rest goes into a basket. The pileups that can’t be avoided (dishes and laundry) I’ll get to when I darn well feel like it and anyone who complains can do them themself. I have been known to buy some paper plates when I know I’m going to have a busy week. I’m suspicious of fly lady. She wears shoes in the house for no reason. That’s why she has to clean her floor so much. She thinks you have to be wearing shoes to clean. That’s stupid. Shoes track dirt around the house. The best way to clean is buck naked. If you tell yourself that you have to stay naked until the house is clean, you will be done quickly.
 
Anglewannabe said:
I have always been a very messy housekeeper. Living alone has allowed me the freedom to get away with it. However, it has come to my attention that this is not good and has to stop. I have decided to start to be more organized.

Well… I am finding it to be a real emotional strain. It also feels like there is always an interior struggle with boundaries.

My mom was the type to show love by doing things for me. Which meant that at university, I was shocked that other people could make their bed everyday and consider it normal. Sad but true I can count on one hand the number of times I made a my bed before leaving home. It took years for me to get rid of the notion ‘If I have to do housework it means no one loves me’

Being a single woman, there are a lot of handy man jobs I just can not do. And I have also come to the conclusion it is easier to do without then to get help. People often say ‘I will help’ and never show up. Or if they do show up and I want 1 job done, they will insist on starting 10 jobs and never come back to finish them and I have half done projects I am incapable of finishing myself. Worse is the person who insists one ‘fixing something’, breaking it and then I have twice the headache because they did not listen when I said ‘Please leave it’

I use to have a VERY controlling ‘friend’ (who I later came to see as very abusive and axed her out of my life) who would come to my place, shame me for the way I kept house, clean and implement HER organizational system (which drove me nuts). I can’t count how many times I told her to please not go into my kitchen and she would tell me I was being stupid and go through all my cupboards. I felt like my personal space was being invaded and my boundaries mocked.

So all that to say, I am trying really hard to clean and organize. But every week end when I have a 3-4 hour time slot where I could get a lot done, I end up having spiritual warfare and end up churning resentments and not getting anything done. This usually means I give up and have a mess.

Does anyone have any tips on how to overcome the past baggage in order to be able to have a semi decent clean house?

Angie
Click to expand...
Clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to be happy. Can’t see myself living my life being a slave to order, but I can’t see myself being so messy I get pests. I have three kids and my struggle isn’t with keeping things neat myself, it’s getting the kids to tidy up. But, they really do focus on homework and school and have done excellently. Plusses and minuses, if I was a tyrant about them cleaning, would they be doing as well at school?

Anyway, it’s like the old adage- how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Your most productive effort might be planning an approach. What really does need to get done? How do you want your home to eventually be when you get to the end state? What tasks will have to occur to make that happen? List them out, then prioritize them. If your home got to its current state over a period of years- organizing it might take a few months. Set realistic expectations, plan the dates/times you’ll do things and set an alarm/calendar appointment on your cell phone or whatever for each task. You’ll feel a sense of accomplishment as you complete each task.

As for the handyman things- you’re probably better hiring someone. Again, as you go over your list identify everything you need someone for and get a quote for all the work at once. Usually cheaper to get a handyman to do several things at the same time vice coming to do them individually.

I don’t know you, but you might be surprised at the types of things you can do by yourself. I’ve repaired washing machines (both clothes and dishwasher), done some drywalling, built a wall, put in an irrigation system, drainage system etc. Just reading some books/articles and googling stuff on repairs usually getting youtube videos for my exact model.
 
Hi everyone,

I haven’t had time to read all the replies yet. But I have skimmed through enough of them to know they will be helpful. I am grateful for all the prompt replies and great ideas

Angie
 
Allegra said:
I hate cleaning and so my philosophy has always been to try and avoid creating a mess in the first place. When I get something out, I have to discipline myself to put it back right away. I try to have a home for everything so that I don’t have clutter. I don’t bring mail into the house. I go straight from the the mailbox to the trashcan and dump whatever I don’t need. The rest goes into a basket. The pileups that can’t be avoided (dishes and laundry) I’ll get to when I darn well feel like it and anyone who complains can do them themself. I have been known to buy some paper plates when I know I’m going to have a busy week. I’m suspicious of fly lady. She wears shoes in the house for no reason. That’s why she has to clean her floor so much. She thinks you have to be wearing shoes to clean. That’s stupid. Shoes track dirt around the house. The best way to clean is buck naked. If you tell yourself that you have to stay naked until the house is clean, you will be done quickly.
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Allegra, you crack me up!!! Gee, maybe I should try this…would get DH a lot more interested in housework!
 
GoldenSeal said:
In addition to all the excellent advice already given, I would add: Make it fun. Once you have figured out what area you want to organize or clean, put on some upbeat music. Working to music makes household chores much more pleasant. 😉
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This! Dancing and cleaning go hand in hand round here… and singing, all when no one is around of course. 😊
 
Another vote for FlyLady here. My mom used to swear by her system, and now that I’m married I"m thinking of trying it myself.

The one part I do remember and actually use a bit is the idea of “blessing” your house instead of “cleaning it.” She basically recommends using the time you spend cleaning as a sort of meditation time, and to think of it not as a chore but as a way to care for your family. If you don’t have family, maybe you can think of it as a way to care for yourself. 🙂
 
Ditto what a lot of others have said.

I’m both a neat freak and a perfectionist. I also have an 11-month-old. This means that while it used to be feasible to keep my house pretty much spotless because I could devote much of my time to that, it’s not reasonable to keep that standard right now. That’s hard for me because I tend to have a “if I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all” attitude. This all comes to a head when I’m tired, especially in the evenings.

Things that help me:

–Set a timer for 10 minutes, and tell myself I’ll only clean for that ten minutes. This really helps in the evenings, with dinner dishes and a fussy baby. I’ll clean like there’s no tomorrow for ten minutes, and STOP at the end of the ten minutes. No, I won’t just clean out that drawer/organize that cupboard/wipe out the fridge. I’ll throw the detergent in the dishwasher, start it, hang up my apron, and I’m DONE. Time to relax! If I didn’t, I’d say, “I don’t have time to mop the floor/wipe down the cupboards/whatever, never mind, I just won’t do it until I can do it properly”–and the dishes would build up until we didn’t have any clean ones. 😛

–Wear an apron. Silly as this sounds, it’s like putting on a uniform: it focuses me on the job at hand. Plus, if I’m cleaning bathrooms and such (ie, using bleach) it protects my clothes from the cleaners.

–If it’s a chore you’re doing in one place, like folding laundry or ironing, put on a show you find interesting. I try to keep the TV/Netflix time minimal, but I always put on a show if I have a pile of laundry to fold. This also works well if you’re just in one room while doing a chore like washing windows or dusting.

–Get into a routine of always doing certain chores at certain times so that you don’t think twice about doing them. Add them in one at a time, and only add another after it’s incorporated into your routine. For example, when I was in college I got into the habit of making my bed as soon as I got up. As in, I stand up out of bed and start pulling the sheets and blanket straight. This means that no matter what else, I can glance into my room and see order there, which gives me a little boost for the rest of the day. Another thing I do is that as soon as I stand up from dinner, I start the dinner dishes/evening kitchen cleanup. If I get DD to bed first and then sit down in front of the computer, those dishes aren’t getting done. (I budget time into the evening schedule for her to play in her high chair with whisks/wooden spoons/etc while I do the dishes–it doesn’t delay her bedtime.)

–Cleaning as you go will reduce the total volume of work. For example, as I cook dinner, I put utensils/cutting boards/etc into the dishwasher as soon as I’m finished with them. I’ll wipe up spills on the counter between stirs of whatever’s on the stove. That way, I can knock out the evening kitchen cleanup in 10 minutes, including wiping off the stove and counters. In other areas of the house, it also means that I don’t let mess build up very much, so I don’t have big jobs that have to be tackled after they’ve built up for weeks.

–Designate certain chores for certain days. This will be different for everyone, of course. For me, I scoop the catbox on Monday and Thursday mornings because then I can run the scoopings out to the curb before the trash guys come.

–I sort mail as soon as I get it, and do one of three things with it: I’ll throw it away right then (I sort over the trash can), I set it in a stack to be dealt with as soon as I’ve finished sorting the mail (writing checks for bills, calling insurance companies, filing an important notice, etc), or if it’s something I’ve ordered online, I’ll put it away right then and throw away the packaging at the same time. I then do whatever business I need to. No forgotten bills, no “I’ll call the insurance company later,” no worries about losing an important bit of paperwork.

Hope that helps! Good luck!
 
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