The Crush- What Do I Do?

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O_Sanctissima

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This is so embarrassing, I decided to create a new account here just to ask this question. I feel so immature, but HONESTLY- I haven’t the slightest clue what to do!

So, I belong to another forum (besides this one and all the others :D), and there’s been this guy posting on occasion. He’s a devout Catholic, extremely intelligent, and funny. I posted on a topic at one point and he replied, gently correcting the deficiencies in my post. We starting private messaging on subjects of interest to us. It’s crazy how similar we are in interests- we both have very odd, specific, and remote interests in a broad range of areas, and our viewpoints are so similar. He gave me his email and told me I’m welcome to contact him there, so I have been.

I think we get along wonderfully, but we don’t email terribly often. Maybe three or four times over several days and then not again for a couple of weeks. We are both very busy.

I’d like to get to know him better. I have no idea how to do that. We don’t live nearby. I have no idea if he likes me like that, or how to encourage more frequent communication. I am afraid if I am blunt, he’ll shy away if he thinks he has no interest in dating, but if I just continue on the way I have, he’ll never know. I certainly would like to keep him as a friend if nothing more. Both of us are introverts.

Advice, please? Prayers for God’s will to be done would be appreciated.
 
Chatting to people on this or most other Sites can be great fun…it seems the person you chat to is a perfect match for you… until you meet them face to face… mostly things go down hill one way or another from there… you can be lucky…I was …after chatting to a Dozen people on here first… then I met Helen…together 12 Years now… but I’m one of the lucky ones… just stay friends on here but leave it at that… there are a lot of ways you could get Hurt…
 
I met such a man, emailed him, went to phone, finally met, and we are just coming up for our 7th anniversary of meeting!!!

The year before I met such a man, went to phone, travelled across the country to meet him, and it fizzled out on first meeting.

There is no knowing what will happen. He might be perfect in a personal sense, but his family situation may not be, or his work situation, or he has an awful snorty laugh, or he likes spicy food and you like bland, or any number of things may happen, the same as if you met him at a party.

You’ll never know unless you meet. Suggest meeting, in an unromantic way, and then if no sparks are generated, you at least have a face for your friend.

Good luck!
 
O_Sanctissima said:
This is so embarrassing, I decided to create a new account here just to ask this question. I feel so immature, but HONESTLY- I haven’t the slightest clue what to do!
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🙂 Welcome to being young, female and in love. 🙂 Don’t worry, it was designed that way. Don’t worry, you’re in good hands. Trust the Creator, and you’ll survive. 🙂
So, I belong to another forum (besides this one and all the others :D), and there’s been this guy posting on occasion. He’s a devout Catholic, extremely intelligent, and funny. I posted on a topic at one point and he replied, gently correcting the deficiencies in my post.
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nods along

I can definitely see what you’d like in that man!
He gave me his email and told me I’m welcome to contact him there, so I have been.
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I think we get along wonderfully, but we don’t email terribly often. Maybe three or four times over several days and then not again for a couple of weeks. We are both very busy.
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It seems that your relationship is on a friendly footing or perhaps just acquaintances yet. He invited you to contact him, but he didn’t offer you any clear sign of actively being interested in you romantically. The two of you have a more or less normally active e-mail conversation from time to time, but weeks can pass without having one. It looks like some kind of benevolent acquaintance (though most people call it friendship already, I guess). You can try to take it further from there, but so far it’s basically like with your other male friends.
I’d like to get to know him better. I have no idea how to do that. We don’t live nearby. I have no idea if he likes me like that, or how to encourage more frequent communication. I am afraid if I am blunt, he’ll shy away if he thinks he has no interest in dating, but if I just continue on the way I have, he’ll never know. I certainly would like to keep him as a friend if nothing more. Both of us are introverts.
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Advice, please? Prayers for God’s will to be done would be appreciated.
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You could tell him you wouldn’t mind if he wrote more often (but there is no pressure). If he says something like, ‘why don’t you?’, you can always enter into a game of, ‘would you like me to?’ or ‘what difference does that make to you?’ Bookish people are probably capable of handling such a conversation. Just don’t pressure him, and don’t introduce a flippant kind of drama. Definitely don’t taunt or goad him into action, don’t use his pride or shame against him, rather create opportunities and see if he will use them.

Worst of all, if all else fails, you can communicate to him that if he were to ask you out, you’d go with him (or welcome that, whatever you feel comfortable with), but without actually asking him out yourself. (If he stalls, you can ask him if he’s going to or not, but again not ask him yourself.)
 
First of all, how old are you? and do you know how old he is?

When you communicate via email - how personal are the things you email about? or is it simply about an area that you have a common interest?

Obviously, if this is the only way you know each other, you have only a small slice of who he is - and vis versa.

That’s not to say it isn’t worth effort to try to get to know him better - but be prepared that he may not be what you think.

If it were me, i would slowly make my communication more common - and more personal. If he is interested, he will answer and ask you questions in turn. And it will take care of itself. What you don’t want to do is get to intrusive too quickly.

You say you do not live near each other - so how far are we talking? Are you close enough that one of you will eventually be visiting the other on some other pretext? (something like:"I am going to a wedding in Chicago in a month, would you be able to get together for a cup of coffee?)
 
Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time you took as well as the advice.

I am aware that all I am going off of is the very limited slice of this man that he has chosen to share. Assuming he is being completely honest, I like what I am hearing so far. He has a long post history going back several years, and I did go through them. It’s all extremely typical of him. (No, he is not on this site, at least not as far as I am aware!)

I do know his age, although it came up in a different context than me asking. Another male friend of mine, who’s talked to him in the past, has confirmed my impression of him. I did not tell him that I am interested in this guy.

We live close enough that arranging a meeting at some point could happen without a ridiculous amount of trouble. It’s not like we are on opposite coasts across the country or anything like that.

Our emails have been getting somewhat more personal, so hopefully that is a good sign of wanting to be more than good acquaintances. He is very like me in many respects, particularly interests and personality- very forthright, a deep thinker, careful and methodical, yet very driven. He’s exceedingly polite, but not in the least bit inclined to flattery or manipulative in any way. It’s quite refreshing. I don’t see him as the type to play mind games if dating becomes an option on the table, but I do see this relationship taking a bit of time to develop, if it does, simply because of our personalities.

He did tell me that he prays for me every day, and ask that I pray for him (which I was already doing). Could just be a “fellow Catholic to another” thing, but maybe it means more.
 
Well, you can wait until he asks if you would like to meet up with him. But that might not happen. The quickest way to know if he is interested in you is to ask him what he thinks about you two meeting up. You don’t have to tell him you have a crush on him, just ask “So, what do you think about us meeting up sometime?” Guys like it when the woman asks first sometimes, because it is so rare. I can only think of 2 times it has happened to me, and I am in my late 20’s 😃 Give it a shot!
 
O_Sanctissima said:
Another male friend of mine, who’s talked to him in the past, has confirmed my impression of him. I did not tell him that I am interested in this guy.
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Interesting. It sounds like you are doing things the right way so far. But you say that you have a friend who has spoken to him. Did they actually speak - like on the phone - or are was it through a forum like you did? I’m just curious whether you have kind of a real connection.

Your post reminds me a little bit of a time when i met a terrific person who lived 300 miles away. I was in my mid 20s. Someone at my old college dorm had arranged a reuinion group to go to a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game. He bought a pack of 25-30 tickets and we bought 20 or so from him. So he got a group from a similar girls dorm to purchase the other tickets. As I was prone to do in those days, I took a group picture. And then I had Christmas cards printed with the picture to send to that group. I didn’t know the women in the picture, but i had to print a certain number of cards (It was something like i had to buy 25 or 50, so i had all these extra cards). So, i asked the guy who organized it to just send me the names and addresses of the others and I sent them Christmas cards so the cards didn’t go to waste. (I was living 300 miles away at the time).

Well, a woman ended up sending me a letter in response. (This was way before email). So we communicated a bit (but neither of us knew who the other was). We ended up talking on the phone a few times. And finally she sent me a letter the weekend of the superbowl. She said she was making a bet on the game - and she was choosing one of the teams. If she won, I had to tell her who i was, otherwise she would have to reveal her identity first.

Well, she lost and had to send me a picture. Then she wanted a picture of me - but, I sent her one with me wearing ski goggles. From that she knew i had a mustache - but in the 1980s, half the people did - so she narrowed it down. Anyway, we had a lot of fun getting to know each other without any expectation of anything else.

At Easter, I was coming home for the weekend. We decided to actually meet. It actually turned out pretty great.

A few months later, she decided to come and visit for the Indianapolis 500 - because I had a bunch of friends coming down for the weekend since i lived in a city that had this big event - and she could spend some time with me - while i was still in a big group (so it wasn’t yet too personal).

We had a great time just getting to know each other. We did end up dating - and the distance kind of made it magical. Every time we met, it was something really to look forward to.

I guess my point is - just make it fun getting to know each other a little at time. Believe me, you will seem much more intriguing to him (and probably vis versa).
 
O_Sanctissima said:
Thank you everyone for your responses. I appreciate the time you took as well as the advice.

I am aware that all I am going off of is the very limited slice of this man that he has chosen to share. Assuming he is being completely honest, I like what I am hearing so far. He has a long post history going back several years, and I did go through them. It’s all extremely typical of him. (No, he is not on this site, at least not as far as I am aware!)

I do know his age, although it came up in a different context than me asking. Another male friend of mine, who’s talked to him in the past, has confirmed my impression of him. I did not tell him that I am interested in this guy.

We live close enough that arranging a meeting at some point could happen without a ridiculous amount of trouble. It’s not like we are on opposite coasts across the country or anything like that.

Our emails have been getting somewhat more personal, so hopefully that is a good sign of wanting to be more than good acquaintances. He is very like me in many respects, particularly interests and personality- very forthright, a deep thinker, careful and methodical, yet very driven. He’s exceedingly polite, but not in the least bit inclined to flattery or manipulative in any way. It’s quite refreshing. I don’t see him as the type to play mind games if dating becomes an option on the table, but I do see this relationship taking a bit of time to develop, if it does, simply because of our personalities.

He did tell me that he prays for me every day, and ask that I pray for him (which I was already doing). Could just be a “fellow Catholic to another” thing, but maybe it means more.
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My opinion is that if you’re already at the point where your feelings are still very strong after weeks (months?) of communications, and if you’re starting to share your personal biz, someone needs to pull some kind of trigger. I think the combination of strong romantic feelings (that sounds like what it is) and no steady human contact is eventually going to turn unhealthy for one or both of you.

So as I guy if this were going on with me, I would have already asked you out by now, or made it clear we’re strictly platonic.I don’t like multi-week-long ambiguity with women.

But lets say I’m abnormal. Suggestions:
  1. Ask if he’s single. If you’ve asked before, ask again. Ask this very specific question, not mixed in with some other topic. That’s a hint and a half, and if his ears don’t perk up, I’m sorry to say your dog doesn’t bark.
  2. Assuming the answer to number one is yes (because if it is no, or any version of “well sort of single” its over), immediately say you’d like to get to know him better. Which you do. And ask if he feels the same way. I don’t think there’s a way to confuse that combination of questions, but it doesn’t put anyone on the spot to immediately set up a date.
If he says no, or is really hesitant…after weeks of talking to you and accepting your confidences…he’s not interested enough. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, he might even have some feelings for you, but not the same feelings you have.

Lol, but if he says yes, multiple weeks between communications is no longer going to be acceptable!
 
piofaustina said:
Suggestions:
  1. Ask if he’s single. If you’ve asked before, ask again. Ask this very specific question, not mixed in with some other topic. That’s a hint and a half, and if his ears don’t perk up, I’m sorry to say your dog doesn’t bark.
  2. Assuming the answer to number one is yes (because if it is no, or any version of “well sort of single” its over), immediately say you’d like to get to know him better. Which you do. And ask if he feels the same way. I don’t think there’s a way to confuse that combination of questions, but it doesn’t put anyone on the spot to immediately set up a date.
If he says no, or is really hesitant…after weeks of talking to you and accepting your confidences…he’s not interested enough. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, he might even have some feelings for you, but not the same feelings you have.
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Some really good stuff there. :tiphat:
Lol, but if he says yes, multiple weeks between communications is no longer going to be acceptable!
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😃
 
So, I figured an update was in order. First, thanks to all who gave advice.

Well, since I already knew that he was single (he was forthcoming about that from the very beginning), I simply told him, in a very straightforward fashion, at the end of one of my emails, that I enjoyed hearing from him very much and to please feel free to write more often.

We’ve now been communicating on a much more frequent basis, sometimes even every day for a good period of time, and he and I are both exchanging questions, and discussing topics that are pretty personal. We’re even having fairly everyday conversation involving topics such as pets, in addition to our intellectual discussions on theology, science, history, etc. He’s totally proper but is now starting to use emoticons…which says to me that this is becoming a little more friendly. He rarely or never used them before.

At any rate, it’s going slowly but surely, I think, and hopefully things will culminate in a visit sooner or later. I’m not building up my hopes unreasonably but I am enjoying it for what it is, and God willing, maybe something more will develop.
 
Just ask him this simple question…“Would you ever ask out someone you meet online, like in these forums?”

And wait for the response.

Introverts need to see a window open, before they jump 😃
 
A friend met her husband online through an online dating site…so…🤷
 
LaughingBoy1503 said:
Well, you can wait until he asks if you would like to meet up with him. But that might not happen. The quickest way to know if he is interested in you is to ask him what he thinks about you two meeting up. You don’t have to tell him you have a crush on him, just ask “So, what do you think about us meeting up sometime?” Guys like it when the woman asks first sometimes, because it is so rare. I can only think of 2 times it has happened to me, and I am in my late 20’s 😃 Give it a shot!
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Yeah this is what I would do. Just a plain old “do you want to meet up sometime?” I can’t imagine getting too involved with someone without meeting up. \

And why would this be embarrassing? What is wrong with meeting someone - no matter how it happens?
 
What about simply asking him to call you to discuss if he prefers a morning wedding or an afternoon one? 😃
 
HouseArrest said:
Yeah this is what I would do. Just a plain old “do you want to meet up sometime?” I can’t imagine getting too involved with someone without meeting up. \

And why would this be embarrassing? What is wrong with meeting someone - no matter how it happens?
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Haha…it’s mostly the fact that I didn’t know what to do with myself that was embarrassing, not the situation. I’m pretty much just wanting to get to that point of asking to meet him. We are both pretty shy/introverted and to move too fast might cause him to balk, I’m afraid. A good thing is worth waiting for (until a certain point, anyway).
 
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