The downside to adoption

[mschrank]

Personally, I think adoption should be absolutely confidential. It is very important, that once those papers are signed, that there is absolutely no way the birth parents can have any legal rights to those children whatsoever. The ONLY way to gain information on birth parents should be if it is deemed medically necessary in case of a genetic disease (my mother was adopted, and figured out who her mom was because my little brother was deathly ill).

If this is not done, these babies will be aborted by mothers who don’t want to worry about a child opening up a closet full of skeletons in later life, and prospective parents will be put off of the idea as well, by thinking that the birth mom can just swoop in and take their kids.

 

[Linnyo]

Personally, I think adoption should be absolutely confidential. It is very important, that once those papers are signed, that there is absolutely no way the birth parents can have any legal rights to those children whatsoever. The ONLY way to gain information on birth parents should be if it is deemed medically necessary in case of a genetic disease (my mother was adopted, and figured out who her mom was because my little brother was deathly ill).

If this is not done, these babies will be aborted by mothers who don’t want to worry about a child opening up a closet full of skeletons in later life, and prospective parents will be put off of the idea as well, by thinking that the birth mom can just swoop in and take their kids.

I think you mean like a closed adoption. Mine was closed. Only I can pursue a meeting with her. She can leave a letter with the social work Dept. so that if I ever seek her, I can get it then but nothing will ever happen without my consent and instigation.

 

[Chovy]

In each agency we’ve seen, the birth mother determines the level of openness she would like to have with the adoptive family. The adoptive families that are shown to her are those whose preferences match hers. So a mother who has skeletons she wishes to hide can do so if it is in her best interest or the child’s best interest.

 

[Aramis]

When parents cannot care for their chidlren, extended family should always be sought. Only when all those resources have been exhausetd should stranger adoption be considered…and then, it MUST be open and not terminate the child’s contact with his family of origins. To do otherwise is not in the best interest of the child, it is simply cruel and unnecessary.

The result of “Family first” placements has been a raise in child abuse and neglect rates, at least in Alaska. Alaska Natives had a Family First law, then a native family preference. Most native children taken from their families are taken due to substance abuse, child neglect, and child abuse. Any parent unfit due to these conditions is likely unfit due to ingrained habits aquaired from parental abuse and/or neglect, and alcoholism.

Plain and simple: if a child is being removed from the natural parent due to abuse, neglect, or substance abuse, the odds are that the family shares in a subculture of abuse, neglect, or substance abuse… and such placements are a hazard to the child.

 

[Chovy]

As an adopted person myself I get very angry at people who make judgements about what they consider adoption to be and how adoption makes people feel. I can hear people saying ‘adoption is always a tragedy!’ I have heard it said at abortion debetes that ‘it is better for the child not to be born’. I have news!! Adoption is not a tragedy for the child. It is not a tragedy for the adoptive parents. It is no more a tragedy than abortion would be for the bio-parents. I have heard it said ‘the child will grow up feeling unwanted - it’s mother gave it away’. Newsflash!! I was doubly wanted. Maybe even more. My Bio-mum cared enough not to abort me. My adoptive parents CHOSE to adopt me. IN fact, there was a list of people wanting me. I have no feeling of rejection and I can honestly say I never have. If adoptive parents deal with their adopted children and are honest with them from the outset, there is no reason for that child to ever feel that they have been rejected.
I remember when I was tiny getting my favourite bedtime story about the day my mum and dad got a phonecall from the hospital and they went to the hospital and chose the very best little girl in the ward. I loved that story and asked for it all the time. My parents told me that when I wanted to I could seek out my bio-parents and they would support me all the way. I never have although, every now and then, my mum and I speculate as to what she is like. We actually enjoy talking about the possibilities. So, until you know what you are talking about, don’t make blanket statements.

Hi Linnyo, I hope I wasn’t the cause of your anger. I think adoption can be the most beautiful thing. I am trying desperately to relate to how a birthmother must feel when she makes her plan, and in doing so am trying to be more empathetic. The birthmother who chooses us to parent her child will be making a big sacrifice on behalf of our child, and I want to be respectful of her feelings as the result of her choice will be the greatest gift I will ever receive outside of what Jesus has done for us.

The quote I gave was out of an actual book, and when I first read it, it enraged me to no end. Now I see that there is loss involved, and although I dislike the word “tragedy” in this usage, if I were the birthmother, maybe I might feel that way.

I adore the story that your parents told you. Again, I apologize if my words were the cause of your distress. I am so happy that you have a loving family and God bless your birthmother for choosing life.

 

[agapewolf]

When parents cannot care for their chidlren, extended family should always be sought. Only when all those resources have been exhausetd should stranger adoption be considered…and then, it MUST be open and not terminate the child’s contact with his family of origins. To do otherwise is not in the best interest of the child, it is simply cruel and unnecessary.

You know absolutely nothing about it. This is he most uninformed ridiculous statement.

There are no ties with blood. Absolutely none. I’m adopted, and I have a great family. My adoptive family IS MY FAMILY. This ridiculous notion that the best interest of the child is with blood relatives is that…ridiculous

For some reason, people think that the definition of mother or father is the biological parenting. nonsense. It is those that raise the children. I’m not diminishing the pain a b-parent might have in giving the child up, but what makes my mom my mom is the fact that she loved and raised me.

Through a lot of prayer I was guided to meet my birth parents (separately). It was a closed adoption. Meeting them was like meeting a stranger. There was no “closure”, there was nothing answered. I’m grateful to have met my birth mother as I think she needed consolation, but it was not cruel in ANY way for me to have a closed adoption and for me to not have met her.

 

[AdoptAuthor]

Arden - I cannot help wonder if you read ANYTHING here…or elsewhere about adoption, ever?

You are parroting cliches that are foisted upon the public by those who profit from the redistribution of chidlren. I urge you to read those who have LIVED the adoption experience. It is most definitely NOT a win for a mother who loses her child forever, or for those who must grow up never knowing why they were given up and are left to feel abandoned and rejected despite any amount of love from adopters. It is a LOSS not a win!

No matter the reasons the mother is made to feel she is doing the right thing - she is left feeling that she did not try hard enough. She is left with a LIFETIME of guilt, grief and shame.

And the child grown up to FEEL abndoned, not mater what the reasons.

Please do not assume to “know” how would feel until you have lived this life. It is very easy to say that from the outside looking in. It is not confirmed by those who live the adoption experience personally.

You are invalidating our honest feelings that we are expressing, and that have been expressed in a myriad of books and studies and now on thousands of online blogs, lists, discussion groups and forums by those who live with these very deeply painful feelings.

The one thing you are right about is that it is a win for those who want to be parents and have no other option. But adoption is not supposed to be about filling empty arms. It is supposed to be about the best interest of the child. What would Jesus do if a mother was struggling financially – take away her baby? Give it someone else? Someone older, more “deserving”? or would He help her regardless of her finances, age or marital status?

Yes, there are families - as “adoptee” mentions - that are irreparable. those children wind up in foster care - generally unwanted. There are half a million children in foster care in the US. Of those, more than 100,000 COULD be adopted. And yet adopters continue to seek newborns domestically or internationally rather than give the love and care to chidlren who so desperately need it.

We need to be clear and not lump all adoption together. INFANT adoption is a BUSINESS - big business - $6.3 billion worldwide.

We also need to understand that NONE of it is a win-win. Even for a child who is adopted from foster care, because of what he has been through before being adopted. That is not a winning situation for that child.

 

[strngrnrth]

I wished someone woud adopt me when I was growing up.
Now I’m proud of my family but I probably would have found something to love about any family and I would likely have been treated better and been healthier in an adoptive home. Mom didn’t give me up. I appreciate that. but I often wished she would.
And I had a mother who was over 18 when I was born, who read good books, who had friends, who basically wanted me. But she was poor, temperamental and single, and it was really hard. If I had been born to an underage girl from the projects with gang connections and a bad habit and a third-grade reading level, I might have been delighted to be adopted by almost anyone else.

 

[davia]

As an adopted person myself I get very angry at people who make judgements about what they consider adoption to be and how adoption makes people feel. I can hear people saying ‘adoption is always a tragedy!’ I have heard it said at abortion debetes that ‘it is better for the child not to be born’. I have news!! Adoption is not a tragedy for the child. It is not a tragedy for the adoptive parents. It is no more a tragedy than abortion would be for the bio-parents. I have heard it said ‘the child will grow up feeling unwanted - it’s mother gave it away’. Newsflash!! I was doubly wanted. Maybe even more. My Bio-mum cared enough not to abort me. My adoptive parents CHOSE to adopt me. IN fact, there was a list of people wanting me. I have no feeling of rejection and I can honestly say I never have. If adoptive parents deal with their adopted children and are honest with them from the outset, there is no reason for that child to ever feel that they have been rejected.
I remember when I was tiny getting my favourite bedtime story about the day my mum and dad got a phonecall from the hospital and they went to the hospital and chose the very best little girl in the ward. I loved that story and asked for it all the time. My parents told me that when I wanted to I could seek out my bio-parents and they would support me all the way. I never have although, every now and then, my mum and I speculate as to what she is like. We actually enjoy talking about the possibilities. So, until you know what you are talking about, don’t make blanket statements.

Well, the same thing goes both way - don’t assume I (or others) don’t have some experience with adoption (I may not have been adopted or adopted, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I am stupid on the subject and I definately am not)

Also, as the poster had said above, maybe I’m wrong, but were they implying that all children who don’t have fathers should be taken away from the state at birth and adopted? I think that’s absurd. What if the father dies - so what? Take the kid away? What if the mom dies? Take it away from the husband?

I know adoption can be a touch subject but no one is attacking it. I even said it was a great thing, but it’s something everyone needs to go through with their eyes open, and I do agree as it was said above that both parents should agree on it so that is not a complication later, and there is a 4th option as was mentioned above as well. More family and church support for poor and strugling parents. Yes, probably 98 % of adopted children are better off financialy and are very loved, but I don’t think poverty should be a main reason to have to give up a child you wanted - there should be help available.

Adoption and abortion are unfortunately connected. Many abort because they do not feel they can give up a child but they can’t take care of it financially or have support. Maybe if we helped out struggling parents, then there would be less abortion.

 

[agapewolf]

adoptauthoer,

YOU should read the responses from those adopted. I already posted mine. What you are saying is ridiculous

you said:

“And the child grown up to FEEL abndoned, not mater what the reasons.”

This is absolutely untrue. never in my life did I ever feel abandoned. I was grateful for my life.

YOU need to do some research on the subject and talk to the majority of adoption cases that are there.

You also said:

Please do not assume to “know” how would feel until you have lived this life. It is very easy to say that from the outside looking in. It is not confirmed by those who live the adoption experience personally.

I’m here to confirm that it is indeed. Adoptauthor, you are on the outside looking in. I HAVE lived the life. You are wrong

 

[Linnyo]

Arden - I cannot help wonder if you read ANYTHING here…or elsewhere about adoption, ever?

You are parroting cliches that are foisted upon the public by those who profit from the redistribution of chidlren. I urge you to read those who have LIVED the adoption experience. It is most definitely NOT a win for a mother who loses her child forever, or for those who must grow up never knowing why they were given up and are left to feel abandoned and rejected despite any amount of love from adopters. It is a LOSS not a win!

No matter the reasons the mother is made to feel she is doing the right thing - she is left feeling that she did not try hard enough. She is left with a LIFETIME of guilt, grief and shame.

And the child grown up to FEEL abndoned, not mater what the reasons.

Please do not assume to “know” how would feel until you have lived this life. It is very easy to say that from the outside looking in. It is not confirmed by those who live the adoption experience personally.

You are invalidating our honest feelings that we are expressing, and that have been expressed in a myriad of books and studies and now on thousands of online blogs, lists, discussion groups and forums by those who live with these very deeply painful feelings.

The one thing you are right about is that it is a win for those who want to be parents and have no other option. But adoption is not supposed to be about filling empty arms. It is supposed to be about the best interest of the child. What would Jesus do if a mother was struggling financially – take away her baby? Give it someone else? Someone older, more “deserving”? or would He help her regardless of her finances, age or marital status?

Yes, there are families - as “adoptee” mentions - that are irreparable. those children wind up in foster care - generally unwanted. There are half a million children in foster care in the US. Of those, more than 100,000 COULD be adopted. And yet adopters continue to seek newborns domestically or internationally rather than give the love and care to chidlren who so desperately need it.

We need to be clear and not lump all adoption together. INFANT adoption is a BUSINESS - big business - $6.3 billion worldwide.

We also need to understand that NONE of it is a win-win. Even for a child who is adopted from foster care, because of what he has been through before being adopted. That is not a winning situation for that child.

I strongly and totally disagree with your arguments here. Done properly, the adopted child wins. I am speaking from experiece. My story is a few posts up. I consider your statements to be rather sweeping.

 

[Linnyo]

Well, the same thing goes both way - don’t assume I (or others) don’t have some experience with adoption (I may not have been adopted or adopted, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I am stupid on the subject and I definately am not)

Also, as the poster had said above, maybe I’m wrong, but were they implying that all children who don’t have fathers should be taken away from the state at birth and adopted? I think that’s absurd. What if the father dies - so what? Take the kid away? What if the mom dies? Take it away from the husband?

I know adoption can be a touch subject but no one is attacking it. I even said it was a great thing, but it’s something everyone needs to go through with their eyes open, and I do agree as it was said above that both parents should agree on it so that is not a complication later, and there is a 4th option as was mentioned above as well. More family and church support for poor and strugling parents. Yes, probably 98 % of adopted children are better off financialy and are very loved, but I don’t think poverty should be a main reason to have to give up a child you wanted - there should be help available.

Adoption and abortion are unfortunately connected. Many abort because they do not feel they can give up a child but they can’t take care of it financially or have support. Maybe if we helped out struggling parents, then there would be less abortion.

Nobody should be making sweeping statements about a life they have not experienced first hand. And, as for the other arguments, they were not mine. Of course I don’t think that all poor kids and fatherless kids should be adopted.
My argument is that I am very happy to be adopted. I feel very wanted and loved. I have had the best life I could have possibly had. I am most certainly not better off dead! There is no tragedy about my adoption as far as I and my adoptive parents are concerned.

 

[AdoptAuthor]

“You know absolutely nothing about it. This is he most uninformed ridiculous statement.”

Dear Agapewolf:

I have been researching, writing and speaking about adoption issues for more than thirty years. My comlete bio is on my website at AdvocatePublication.com.

The statement that I made is a paraphrase of the opinion of the united Nations and the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child which states that adoption should always be a last resort.

 

[ArdenB]

Arden - I cannot help wonder if you read ANYTHING here…or elsewhere about adoption, ever?

You are parroting cliches that are foisted upon the public by those who profit from the redistribution of chidlren. I urge you to read those who have LIVED the adoption experience. It is most definitely NOT a win for a mother who loses her child forever, or for those who must grow up never knowing why they were given up and are left to feel abandoned and rejected despite any amount of love from adopters. It is a LOSS not a win!

I actually know people who’ve been adopted, and they all have good relationships with their biological mothers. I fail to see how it would’ve been in their best interests to be raised by someone who wasn’t ready to care for them.

You seem to be talking about closed adoption, but most adoptions today are semi-open and many are open.

 

[Linnyo]

“You know absolutely nothing about it. This is he most uninformed ridiculous statement.”

Dear Agapewolf:

I have been researching, writing and speaking about adoption issues for more than thirty years. My comlete bio is on my website at AdvocatePublication.com.

The statement that I made is a paraphrase of the opinion of the united Nations and the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child which states that adoption should always be a last resort.

Th UN convention of Human Rights is far from perfect. I could legitimately us it to back up the notion that bringing up children in a faith is wrong. But that is a whole different issue which has been discussed before. BTW I have 32 years experience of being adopted. And from what I can gather, Agapewolf has several years exp of that too.

 

[AdoptAuthor]

“I strongly and totally disagree with your arguments here. Done properly, the adopted child wins. I am speaking from experiece. My story is a few posts up. I consider your statements to be rather sweeping.”

LINNYO: I am very glad for you or anyone who has a good experience with adoption - as MANY do! Hwever, judging all adoption on your personal experience is far more sweeping. I know people who have happy marriages for 50 - 60 years…till death do they part. Does that make all marriage successful and erase the 50% who divorce? Does it make it nay less painful for those - including the chidlren - who suffer when marriages fail?

As I just explained to Agapewolfe, I have been researching this issue for mote than thee decades. I have read all the research. I have published two books on the subject - both are fully footnoted and documented.

 

[Linnyo]

“I strongly and totally disagree with your arguments here. Done properly, the adopted child wins. I am speaking from experiece. My story is a few posts up. I consider your statements to be rather sweeping.”

LINNYO: I am very glad for you or anyone who has a good experience with adoption - as MANY do! Hwever, judging all adoption on your personal experience is far more sweeping. I know people who have happy marriages for 50 - 60 years…till death do they part. Does that make all marriage successful and erase the 50% who divorce? Does it make it nay less painful for those - including the chidlren - who suffer when marriages fail?

As I just explained to Agapewolfe, I have been researching this issue for mote than thee decades. I have read all the research. I have published two books on the subject - both are fully footnoted and documented.

No the comment I was debating was " Adoption is always a tragedy."

BTW - I taught a girl whose mum was a well known author on parenting. She arrived at my nursery at 8am and was caollected at 6pm. She was dropped and collected by the nanny. I fail to see where that particular author got her parenting exp in order to write several books and become an ‘expert’ on the matter. But, she is published and very successful. I never met the mother. Not even at a parent night.

 

[AdoptAuthor]

“You seem to be talking about closed adoption, but most adoptions today are semi-open and many are open.”

Arden: I must correct you once again. A very small percentage of DOMESTIC INFANT adoptions are open or semi-opn which has a range of meetings. Most so-called open adoptions invlve an exchange of letters between adopters and family of oprigins. For an adoption to be truly open, it involves a relationship between the child and his original family. Few do this and those that do have no guarantee of remaining open. Open adoption contract agreements are not legally binding in court.

Further, they do not apply to the myriad of international adoptions.

The statistics are as follows: approximately 59 percent of adoptions are from the child welfare system, 26 percent from abroad, and 15 percent of domestic infants.

 

[agapewolf]

Writing a book on it does not qualify anyone on anything.

I’m not talking about merely my own experience.

My parents were foster parents of newborns. When I was going through the process of meeting my b-parents (and again I reiterate, it was not from a feeling of loss…but it seriously was guided by prayer…undeniably), I went to a “support group” and met many others there.

I have plenty of friends around me who are adopted. NONE have ever ever ever had any kind of experience of feeling abandoned in anyway.

You may want to recant your books, the things you have been saying here are grossly incorrect.

 

[ArdenB]

Closed adoptions are less than 5% of adoptions.

americanadoptions.com/pregnant/start