The "Dump Him" List for Girls

[Faithdancer]

As a Youth Ministry Coordinator I’m going through the Theology of the Body for Teens material, creating presentations for our kids on this crucial information. In reviewing one of the lessons in the text I was struck by this list, adapted by the authors of the text and grounded in Catholic teaching. I’m struck by how accurate the list is, and how it calls both men to live up to it, and women not to settle for any guy who isn’t capable of living up to it. Anyway here it is, and I welcome your thoughts:

**"Here is a list for girls of sixteen behaviors, any one of which, if exhibited by a particular guy you like or are dating, is enough to end a relationship- or, at the very least, place serious doubt in your heart about continuing the relationship.

The “dump him” list for girls, adapted from the book Pure Womanhood:

1. You’ve had to tell him more than once to stop.
2. You feel the need to “fix” him.
3. He looks at pornography.
4. He hits you, pushes you, or does anything to frighten you.
5. He has a drinking or drug problem.
6. He doesn’t care if you lie to your family.
7. He leads you away from God.
8. He puts you down- even if he then says he’s “just kidding.”
9. He cheats on you.
10. He lies to you.
11. He flirts with other girls.
12. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
13. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.
14. He behaves badly and then blames it on other people or on things that happen to him.
15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.
16. You can’t stay with him and remain pure."

from Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Theology of the Body for Teens: Student Workbook, p. 170. 2006, Ascension Press.**

 

[billcu1]

As a Youth Ministry Coordinator I’m going through the Theology of the Body for Teens material, creating presentations for our kids on this crucial information. In reviewing one of the lessons in the text I was struck by this list, adapted by the authors of the text and grounded in Catholic teaching. I’m struck by how accurate the list is, and how it calls both men to live up to it, and women not to settle for any guy who isn’t capable of living up to it. Anyway here it is, and I welcome your thoughts:

**"Here is a list for girls of sixteen behaviors, any one of which, if exhibited by a particular guy you like or are dating, is enough to end a relationship- or, at the very least, place serious doubt in your heart about continuing the relationship.

The “dump him” list for girls, adapted from the book Pure Womanhood:

1. You’ve had to tell him more than once to stop.
2. You feel the need to “fix” him.
3. He looks at pornography.
4. He hits you, pushes you, or does anything to frighten you.
5. He has a drinking or drug problem.
6. He doesn’t care if you lie to your family.
7. He leads you away from God.
8. He puts you down- even if he then says he’s “just kidding.”
9. He cheats on you.
10. He lies to you.
11. He flirts with other girls.
12. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
13. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.
14. He behaves badly and then blames it on other people or on things that happen to him.
15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.
16. You can’t stay with him and remain pure."

from Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Theology of the Body for Teens: Student Workbook, p. 170. 2006, Ascension Press.**

That number 2 up there is a little unclear. People sometimes don’t agree with things. But sometimes the problem isn’t the one the girl in this situation feeling a need to “fix” him but there maybe something there in her needing “fixed”. I would be a little more clear on this. The rest sound to me to be right on. Btw the pornography question above, can you exapnd a little on the reasons that someone would look at porn? Maybe they’re “lonely” perhaps. I don’t disagree with it though. Women need to be treated like people and not objectified like in porn.

Bill

Bill

 

[LightBound]

As a Youth Ministry Coordinator I’m going through the Theology of the Body for Teens material, creating presentations for our kids on this crucial information. In reviewing one of the lessons in the text I was struck by this list, adapted by the authors of the text and grounded in Catholic teaching. I’m struck by how accurate the list is, and how it calls both men to live up to it, and women not to settle for any guy who isn’t capable of living up to it. Anyway here it is, and I welcome your thoughts:

**"Here is a list for girls of sixteen behaviors, any one of which, if exhibited by a particular guy you like or are dating, is enough to end a relationship- or, at the very least, place serious doubt in your heart about continuing the relationship.

The “dump him” list for girls, adapted from the book Pure Womanhood:

1. You’ve had to tell him more than once to stop.
2. You feel the need to “fix” him.
3. He looks at pornography.
4. He hits you, pushes you, or does anything to frighten you.
5. He has a drinking or drug problem.
6. He doesn’t care if you lie to your family.
7. He leads you away from God.
8. He puts you down- even if he then says he’s “just kidding.”
9. He cheats on you.
10. He lies to you.
11. He flirts with other girls.
12. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
13. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.
14. He behaves badly and then blames it on other people or on things that happen to him.
15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.
16. You can’t stay with him and remain pure."

from Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Theology of the Body for Teens: Student Workbook, p. 170. 2006, Ascension Press.**

I would also add this as number 17: He tries to control you; such as what you do, who you are friends with, where you go. That sort of thing. While that falls more into a domestic/dating abuse concern instead of a purity concern, it’s most definitely something to dump any guy over.

 

[billcu1]

I would also add this as number 17: He tries to control you; such as what you do, who you are friends with, where you go. That sort of thing. While that falls more into a domestic/dating abuse concern instead of a purity concern, it’s most definitely something to dump any guy over.

I agree with that. That’s pretty nervy when just dating someone or anytime.
Bill

 

[tabycat]

As a Youth Ministry Coordinator I’m going through the Theology of the Body for Teens material, creating presentations for our kids on this crucial information. In reviewing one of the lessons in the text I was struck by this list, adapted by the authors of the text and grounded in Catholic teaching. I’m struck by how accurate the list is, and how it calls both men to live up to it, and women not to settle for any guy who isn’t capable of living up to it. Anyway here it is, and I welcome your thoughts:

**"Here is a list for girls of sixteen behaviors, any one of which, if exhibited by a particular guy you like or are dating, is enough to end a relationship- or, at the very least, place serious doubt in your heart about continuing the relationship.

The “dump him” list for girls, adapted from the book Pure Womanhood:

1. You’ve had to tell him more than once to stop.
2. You feel the need to “fix” him.
3. He looks at pornography.
4. He hits you, pushes you, or does anything to frighten you.
5. He has a drinking or drug problem.
6. He doesn’t care if you lie to your family.
7. He leads you away from God.
8. He puts you down- even if he then says he’s “just kidding.”
9. He cheats on you.
10. He lies to you.
11. He flirts with other girls.
12. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
13. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.
14. He behaves badly and then blames it on other people or on things that happen to him.
15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.
16. You can’t stay with him and remain pure."

from Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Theology of the Body for Teens: Student Workbook, p. 170. 2006, Ascension Press.**

The list is good for anybody who is dating another person.

 

[LaSainte]

A couple of things:

Number 6 is a little strange. Lots of teens fib to their parents about various things-a boyfriend not taking a girl to task for it isn’t a deal-breaker. Now ENCOURAGING a girl to lie to her family is another matter.

Also, I know that “pure” is a euphamism here, but I don’t particularly like the word as it is used. No-one is “pure”, virgin or not, sexually active or not. What is the opposite of pure here? Tainted? Sullied? Stained? It conjures bad comparisons.

One thing I would add: don’t date a guy who treats his mother badly. How he treats his mother is how he will treat women in general.

 

[Neildown]

15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.

As the brother of two women who got into some bad relationships in their day, this one takes the cake. Don’t EVER get in with crumbs like that.

 

[maryjk]

A couple of things:

Number 6 is a little strange. Lots of teens fib to their parents about various things-a boyfriend not taking a girl to task for it isn’t a deal-breaker. Now ENCOURAGING a girl to lie to her family is another matter.

It is a guideline. And it does say “lie” not fib. The whole list needs to be taken in context. It is on page 24 of a 46 page booklet.

Also, I know that “pure” is a euphamism here, but I don’t particularly like the word as it is used. No-one is “pure”, virgin or not, sexually active or not. What is the opposite of pure here? Tainted? Sullied? Stained? It conjures bad comparisons.

Again it is a 46 page booklet. And it is really good, for those that have had relations but want to stop and for those that haven’t and want to continue that way.

I highly recommend it to anyone, guys included, that wants to read about being chaste. There is another book “Pure Manhood.” That is for young men. It is equally as good.

One thing I would add: don’t date a guy who treats his mother badly. How he treats his mother is how he will treat women in general.

That would also be a good predictor.

 

[Faithdancer]

You all raise excellent points and make some great additions. As a regular classroom and substitute teacher, I do see and hear some boy-girl interactions which make me think now of some of the items on this list. It appears to be an especially 10th grade thing, for example, for there to be roughhouse between boys and girls, as well as boys and boys (of course!). It seems that to an extent this is part of how teens deal with their raging hormones, and I’ve seen some of the girls give the boys a pretty good wallop if the boys persist in pestering them. So I guess its a matter of recognizing what is “normal” horseplay and what crosses the line.

There is also a list for boys, which I didn’t have time to include, but interestingly enough a number of the warning signs on that list are the same or similar. One exception, of course, is porn- definitely a boy thing. Anyway I think that with the deletion of references to God (which would unfortunately be required in most public schools) the list could be helpful to include as part of the content of a high school health class.

 

[underacloud]

1. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
2. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.

Any good healthy marriage will still struggle with these two points.

 

[maryjk]

You all raise excellent points and make some great additions. As a regular classroom and substitute teacher, I do see and hear some boy-girl interactions which make me think now of some of the items on this list. It appears to be an especially 10th grade thing, for example, for there to be roughhouse between boys and girls, as well as boys and boys (of course!). It seems that to an extent this is part of how teens deal with their raging hormones, and I’ve seen some of the girls give the boys a pretty good wallop if the boys persist in pestering them. So I guess its a matter of recognizing what is “normal” horseplay and what crosses the line.

There is also a list for boys, which I didn’t have time to include, but interestingly enough a number of the warning signs on that list are the same or similar. One exception, of course, is porn- definitely a boy thing. Anyway I think that with the deletion of references to God (which would unfortunately be required in most public schools) the list could be helpful to include as part of the content of a high school health class.

I haven’t seen the publications, but they do go to public schools and talk about chastity.

 

[pnewton]

It is not a bad guideline. I do not think flirting with other girls or cheating necessarily apply, unless it involves lying. I do not know if perhaps the idea of exclusive dating has lead to many of our ills among young people.

I see some of the other rules are good absolutes. Others might easily evoke the necessity of forgiveness, at least a time or two.

 

[Pisces_Adonis]

Hahahhaha according to that List, I’d be unwanted by Catholic girls XD .

Now I agree with about half the stuff there such as Drug Addiction and Scapegoating and if I were a girl I’d avoid such a guy.

However I’d fit the half other as I will become a Magnetic Womanizer int he future so its unlikely a Catholic Girl would even consider me (unless they’re the liberal Types hehehehe). I’d probably be “cheating” in the sense I’ll be involved with several women ATM (though it won’t be cheating because I’ll get the consent of my other partners).

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

As a guy looking for a nice, sweet Catholic girl in a place where I can’t seem to find one… I do have some mild disagreements with this list.

#2. Define ‘fix’? I don’t want to marry a nag but I would love a girl who is concerned for my well-being. I assure you, I can demonstrate the difference.

#3. I’m not making excuses. I’m just saying not every guy is proud of the stuff he’s exposed to. Doesn’t make it better when you it makes you this harsh.

 

[maryjk]

Again, I will say :

This list is on page 24 (& 25) of a 46 page booklet. It isn’t a bookmark handed out without explanation.

So, when it says, “You feel the need to “fix” him.” There is an explanation about it. It goes on to say that if he is a “bad boy” for everyone else, cheating (sleeping around, not casually dating) and trash talking about them, he will do it about you. He needs to change, you won’t fix him.

When it lists, “He looks at pornography.” It explains that if he is currently looking at porn, not if he has ever been exposed to porn, you need to stay away from him.

Basically, let him clean up his own act. You aren’t going to come in with a magic wand and make him all better.

It is about a young woman respecting herself. Not about putting guys down.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Again, I will say :

This list is on page 24 (& 25) of a 46 page booklet. It isn’t a bookmark handed out without explanation.

So, when it says, “You feel the need to “fix” him.” There is an explanation about it. It goes on to say that if he is a “bad boy” for everyone else, cheating (sleeping around, not casually dating) and trash talking about them, he will do it about you. He needs to change, you won’t fix him.

When it lists, “He looks at pornography.” It explains that if he is currently looking at porn, not if he has ever been exposed to porn, you need to stay away from him.

Basically, let him clean up his own act. You aren’t going to come in with a magic wand and make him all better.

It is about a young woman respecting herself. Not about putting guys down.

I can’t say that really clears things up. I guess maybe I’d read the whole thing but there is only so much info you can harvest from the net.

Heck, I’d go on and ask more elaboration on what defines as ‘bad boy’. I may not fit that description for everyone I know but I certainly know myself better than all of them when I say I have my own ‘bad boy’ aspects. For example: Being disgusted by the high-and-mighty attitudes of secular Pharisees. Ticked at how the socially awkward are telling others how to be social. The anger towards people who like to point out other people’s flaws but either hide behind their peers or downright deny others the right to point out their own. That may or may not be ‘bad boy’ enough for you but it certainly doesn’t spell nice guy to me.

As for exposure versus actual viewing, I still think it’s a bit harsh. I for one just found out that my line work could even involve me in that grim industry. Let’s be realistic folks. I’ll take kindly to a girl who feels saddened but can mature enough to face the fact that I can’t always be in control. I do not see the same kindness from girls who tell me to quit up front or demand I live in a self-imposed bubble.

 

[maryjk]

I can’t say that really clears things up. I guess maybe I’d read the whole thing but there is only so much info you can harvest from the net.

Heck, I’d go on and ask more elaboration on what defines as ‘bad boy’. I may not fit that description for everyone I know but I certainly know myself better than all of them when I say I have my own ‘bad boy’ aspects. For example: Being disgusted by the high-and-mighty attitudes of secular Pharisees. Ticked at how the socially awkward are telling others how to be social. The anger towards people who like to point out other people’s flaws but either hide behind their peers or downright deny others the right to point out their own. That may or may not be ‘bad boy’ enough for you but it certainly doesn’t spell nice guy to me.

Nothing you listed here would say “bad guy” to me.

We are talking about chastity.
Bad guys sleep around. They keep trying to get into a girls pants after she has said no, after she has tried to leave. They tell girls to lie to her parents. They are putting notches on the bedpost. They tear a girl down, so she thinks the bad guy is the only one that would want her. That is bad guy.

As for exposure versus actual viewing, I still think it’s a bit harsh. I for one just found out that my line work could even involve me in that grim industry. Let’s be realistic folks. I’ll take kindly to a girl who feels saddened but can mature enough to face the fact that I can’t always be in control. I do not see the same kindness from girls who tell me to quit up front or demand I live in a self-imposed bubble.

Realistic is that porn is not a positive. Being involved in the industry? Unless you are bringing the industry down, that is a choice and not a choice that most women would look kindly on. She is not asking you to live in a bubble, she is asking you to respect her and all women. Yes, most men at some point have looked at porn. Being part of the porn industry, that is a reason for a young woman to run.

 

[doormouse73]

As a Youth Ministry Coordinator I’m going through the Theology of the Body for Teens material, creating presentations for our kids on this crucial information. In reviewing one of the lessons in the text I was struck by this list, adapted by the authors of the text and grounded in Catholic teaching. I’m struck by how accurate the list is, and how it calls both men to live up to it, and women not to settle for any guy who isn’t capable of living up to it. Anyway here it is, and I welcome your thoughts:

**"Here is a list for girls of sixteen behaviors, any one of which, if exhibited by a particular guy you like or are dating, is enough to end a relationship- or, at the very least, place serious doubt in your heart about continuing the relationship.

The “dump him” list for girls, adapted from the book Pure Womanhood:

1. You’ve had to tell him more than once to stop.
2. You feel the need to “fix” him.
3. He looks at pornography.
4. He hits you, pushes you, or does anything to frighten you.
5. He has a drinking or drug problem.
6. He doesn’t care if you lie to your family.
7. He leads you away from God.
8. He puts you down- even if he then says he’s “just kidding.”
9. He cheats on you.
10. He lies to you.
11. He flirts with other girls.
12. He uses guilt to get you to do what he wants.
13. He resents time you spend with your friends and family.
14. He behaves badly and then blames it on other people or on things that happen to him.
15. He can’t stand on his own two feet without you; he emotionally unable to function by himself.
16. You can’t stay with him and remain pure."

from Jason & Crystalina Evert and Brian Butler, Theology of the Body for Teens: Student Workbook, p. 170. 2006, Ascension Press.**

i seriously think that if a girl finds a lad who will not or has not done these things she has no chance of having a relationship with them…

they are in line for the priesthood…

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Realistic is that porn is not a positive. Being involved in the industry? Unless you are bringing the industry down, that is a choice and not a choice that most women would look kindly on. She is not asking you to live in a bubble, she is asking you to respect her and all women. Yes, most men at some point have looked at porn. Being part of the porn industry, that is a reason for a young woman to run.

It’s not as simplistic as you think. For example, say you’re a major web design company. Your company takes jobs for all kinds of business. That includes the less than savory kind. I hate to bring this up but porn ain’t exactly as illegal as, say, paid homicide.

That’s more of what I meant. It’s not as direct but it is still a collision that is not within an employee’s control. I can’t tell my boss who to do business with and I certainly will not have a lot of intellectual respect for a woman who cannot understand just how far it’s out of my hands.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

i seriously think that if a girl finds a lad who will not or has not done these things she has no chance of having a relationship with them…

they are in line for the priesthood…

Whoa now! This is the other end of the extreme.

I certainly don’t qualify for a majority on this list and you’d sooner insult me if you suggested I consider priesthood.