The Duties of a Catholic Wife

[carmichael2359]

Hi! I would live to hear, from an official place (i.e., not just opinions) what the Church says the duties of a Faithful wife are. I have tried to download a book relating to this, but was unsuccessful. I realize most Christian sects agree on many points, but would welcome a learned discussion here based on Scripture, CCC and commentary on the above, plus any other authoritative writings. Thx!

 

[silicasandra]

You might find some good information from authors who write about the Catholic vision of marriage. Greg Popcak and Christopher West are authors that many CAFers have read and I like them.

As far as I know, there is no “official” list of duties particular to either a husband or wife. Different marriages have different expectations of husband and wife based on personalities, economic situation, culture, etc. etc. Often these change over the course of the marriage based on numerous factors.

Of course, you can’t go wrong with:
Ephesians 5:

21 Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 As the church is subject to Christ, so let wives also be subject in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 Even so husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no man ever hates his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This is a great mystery, and I mean in reference to Christ and the church; 33 however, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

 

[Grace2013]

Hi! I would live to hear, from an official place (i.e., not just opinions) what the Church says the duties of a Faithful wife are. I have tried to download a book relating to this, but was unsuccessful. I realize most Christian sects agree on many points, but would welcome a learned discussion here based on Scripture, CCC and commentary on the above, plus any other authoritative writings. Thx!

I don’t think you can go wrong with the CCC : "V. ‘The Effects of the Sacraments of Matrimony’ [1638-54] and VI. ‘The Domestic Church’ [1655-58] "

Prov. 31: 10-31 (NRSVCE) is a favorite of mine. I know wool and flax may be a little abstract, most of us don’t make all our own clothes anymore and probably don’t have servants, but you get the idea

Ode to a Capable Wife

10 A capable wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She seeks wool and flax,
and works with willing hands.
14 She is like the ships of the merchant,
she brings her food from far away.
15 She rises while it is still night
and provides food for her household
and tasks for her servant-girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds herself with strength,
and makes her arms strong.
18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She puts her hands to the distaff,
and her hands hold the spindle.
20 She opens her hand to the poor,
and reaches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid for her household when it snows,
for all her household are clothed in crimson.
22 She makes herself coverings;
her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the city gates,
taking his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them;
she supplies the merchant with sashes.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
and she laughs at the time to come.
26 She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her happy;
her husband too, and he praises her:
29 “Many women have done excellently,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
31 Give her a share in the fruit of her hands,
and let her works praise her in the city gates.

 

[carmichael2359]

Both of those are wonderful quotes, and well intentioned. I guess I was looking for discussion ON St. Paul’s exhortation, as well as 1 Peter 3:1-7. There have been many commentaries on how marriage and family life is going under because wives will not respect their husbands as in authority over them and the family.

 

[Grace2013]

Both of those are wonderful quotes, and well intentioned. I guess I was looking for discussion ON St. Paul’s exhortation, as well as 1 Peter 3:1-7. There have been many commentaries on how marriage and family life is going under because wives will not respect their husbands as in authority over them and the family.

I see.

Well, sometimes disagreements arise out of each party not fully understanding their individual expectations and not being on the same page spiritually. We have come a far cry from “traditional” households (men at work, women always at home w/children) and that can be cause for a lot of contention. Secularly speaking, some women are resentful of the “submissiveness” aspect when they may be the sole “breadwinner” or have higher paying careers or higher degrees than their husbands.

You’ve piqued my interest, please do keep us posted when you find what you are looking for.

 

[EasterJoy]

Read the marriage ceremony, especially the vows. Those are the duties–lots of learning while you go, but no fine print.

Excepting a slight difference in referring to how converts with several spouses are to be handled when coming into the Church, these are the sections of canon law pertaining to marriage that I could find that are not the same for a man as for a woman:

*Can. 1083 §1. A man before he has completed his sixteenth year of age and a woman before she has completed her fourteenth year of age cannot enter into a valid marriage.

**§2. **The conference of bishops is free to establish a higher age for the licit celebration of marriage

**Can. 1089 *No marriage can exist between a man and a woman who has been abducted or at least detained with a view of contracting marriage with her unless the woman chooses marriage of her own accord after she has been separated from the captor and established in a safe and free place.

That’s it. Besides that, there is a lot of spouse and parents and him or her, but not “wives do this, but husbands do this.”

The Catechism is also remarkably free of language concerning the difference between the roles of the husband and the wife. It spends a lot of time on talking about the total giving required of all persons entering into marriage. There is a lot of good stuff in there, and I wouldn’t discount it because it is not specific for women.

I guess I’d finish with this, an exegesis of the text Eph. 5:21-23 by Bl John Paul II during a general audience on Aug 11, 1982:

*Today we begin a more detailed analysis of the passage of the Letter to the Ephesians 5:21-23. The author, addressing husbands and wives, recommends them to be “subject to one another out of reverence for Christ” (5:21)…

The mutual relations of husband and wife should flow from their common relationship with Christ. The author of the letter speaks of the “reverence for Christ” in a sense analogous to that when he speaks of the “fear of God”. In this case it is not a question of fear which is a defensive attitude before the threat of evil, but it is above all a case of respect for holiness, for the sacrum…

The mystery of Christ, penetrating their hearts, engendering in them that holy “reverence for Christ” (namely, pietas). should lead them to “be subject to one another”: the mystery of Christ, that is, the mystery of the choice from eternity of each of them in Christ “to be the adoptive sons” of God.

In fact we read: “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as to the Lord” (Eph. 5:22). In saying this, the author does not intend to say that the husband is the “lord” of the wife and that the interpersonal pact proper to marriage is a pact of the domination of the husband over the wife.

Instead, he expresses a different concept; that is, that the wife can and should find in her relationship with Christ - who is the one Lord of both the spouses - the motivation of the relationship with her husband which flows from the very essence of marriage and of the family.

Such a relationship, however, is not one of one-sided domination. Marriage, according to the Letter to the Ephesians, excludes that element of the pact which was a burden and at times, does not cease to be a burden on this institution.

The husband and the wife are in fact “subject to one another”, and are mutually subordinated to one another. The source of this mutual subjection is to be found in Christian pietas, and it’s expression is love.

The author of the letter underlines this love in a special way, in addressing himself to husbands. He writes: “You husbands love your wives…”, and by expressing himself in this way, he removes any fear that might have arisen (given the modern sensitivity) from the previous phrase: “Wives, be subject to your husbands”.

Love excludes every kind of subjection whereby the wife might become a servant or a slave of the husband, an object of unilateral domination.

Love makes the husband simultaneously subject to the wife, and thereby subject to the Lord himself, just as the wife to the husband. *

 

[carmichael2359]

Ah, Grace, mine is piqued as well! I’ve been married for 25 years, and while I never intentionally meant to fly in theface of Tradition, I think that perhaps I’ve unwittingly contributed to the downfall of family values. I’ve tried to be a Biblically submissive wife, but it’s a hard thing to do with a husband who’s not a “take charge” sort. Arguments have come at me that he MUST be a take charge type or he wouldn’t do well at work. Proponents of THAT statement assume he was a corporate VP somewhere… Which he wasn’t (he was in maintenance). Notwithstanding, a good man!

 

[catholicanne]

Both of those are wonderful quotes, and well intentioned. I guess I was looking for discussion ON St. Paul’s exhortation, as well as 1 Peter 3:1-7. There have been many commentaries on how marriage and family life is going under because wives will not respect their husbands as in authority over them and the family.

My husband has the final say. That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or never voice my opinion. We have discussions, he listens to what I say, and sometimes he agrees and others times he disagrees. When he disagrees, I keep my mouth shut and trust that God is guiding his decisions. Does it always work for the best? No, but always getting what I want wouldn’t always work for the best either. By emasculating men and taking away their natural position as head of the household, I do believe that a lot of families have suffered.

 

[EasterJoy]

Ah, Grace, mine is piqued as well! I’ve been married for 25 years, and while I never intentionally meant to fly in theface of Tradition, I think that perhaps I’ve unwittingly contributed to the downfall of family values. I’ve tried to be a Biblically submissive wife, but it’s a hard thing to do with a husband who’s not a “take charge” sort. Arguments have come at me that he MUST be a take charge type or he wouldn’t do well at work. Proponents of THAT statement assume he was a corporate VP somewhere… Which he wasn’t (he was in maintenance). Notwithstanding, a good man!

I think that the words of Bl. John Paul II will be a comfort to you. There are a great many well-meaning myths going around concerning the nature of conjugal submission.

I’m wondering where these “arguments” are coming from. Let me guess: not from your husband and not from your pastor or anyone else who has legitimate spiritual authority over you. IOW, from people who might do well to mind their own business.

You might ask them about this Bible quote:
We hear that some are conducting themselves among you in a disorderly way, by not keeping busy but minding the business of others. Such people we instruct and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to work quietly and to eat their own food. 2 Thes. 3:11-12

Thomas Merton put it this way (published in New Seeds of Contemplation)

Nothing is more suspicious, in a man who seems holy, than an impatient desire to reform other men. A serious obstacle to recollection is the mania for directing those you have not been appointed to direct, reforming those you have not been asked to reform, correcting those over whom you have no jurisdiction. How can you do these things and keep your mind at rest? Renounce this futile concern with other men’s affairs! Pay as little attention as you can to the faults of other people, and none at all to their natural defects and eccentricities.

You can feel free to put your mind at rest by giving yourself permission to ignore people who try to elect themselves your spiritual director.

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband has the final say. That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or never voice my opinion. We have discussions, he listens to what I say, and sometimes he agrees and others times he disagrees. When he disagrees, I keep my mouth shut and trust that God is guiding his decisions. Does it always work for the best? No, but always getting what I want wouldn’t always work for the best either. By emasculating men and taking away their natural position as head of the household, I do believe that a lot of families have suffered.

You know what, nearly every woman I grew up with said something like this. Their husbands, meanwhile, made quips like my uncle once did: In our marriage, I make the major decisions, and she decides the little stuff. We’ve been lucky, though, because so far nothing major has come up. They were both right, really. There were few, if any, arguments. Discussions where it took a long time to reach a conclusion, but not arguments.

My parents lived as if neither had ever concerned themselves with what the other was supposed to be doing, but only with seeing to the needs of the other. Based on what Bl. John Paul II says, that’s the way it’s done!

 

[SusanneT]

So true !

 

[fpt]

Hi! I would live to hear, from an official place (i.e., not just opinions) what the Church says the duties of a Faithful wife are. I have tried to download a book relating to this, but was unsuccessful. I realize most Christian sects agree on many points, but would welcome a learned discussion here based on Scripture, CCC and commentary on the above, plus any other authoritative writings. Thx!

This is my understanding of the global logic of the catholic doctrine. It is a summary with my own words for helping people to have conscience that the catholicism is in favor of the link between the soul with his corollaries and the body with his corollaries, both.

The married woman is or should be the " New Eve of her Man " and the " Saint Mary Magdalena of her husband ", I mean: the Female, the Fiancée, the Bride, the Sweetheart, the Love, the Mistress, the Lover, the Beloved, the Muse, the Friend, the Best-friend, the Girlfriend, the Helper, the Soul-Mate, the Companion, the Partner, the Associate, the Educator, the Teacher, the Professor, the Thinker, the Philosopher, the Schoolgirl, the Pupil, the Student, the Follower, the Female Opposite Number, the Alterity, the Complementarity, the Princess, the Queen, the Doctress, the Nurse, the Guide of her Husband and the Person who reveals in him, his part of feminity and helps his masculinity: his Wife and the Potential Mother of their children.
And
The married female, who is the wife, has to understand the normal sexuality of her male: wife is the teacher of the sexuality of her husband, she is also the professor of the sexuality of her husband, and then she is the doctress and the master of love of the sexuality of her husband.
Marital act is:
An act of conjugal love;
A moral obligation of conjugal love;
A moral duty of conjugal love ;
A moral right of conjugal love.

In order to express the conjugal love;
In order to improve the bonding of conjugal love;
In order to avoid the bad effect of concupiscence;
In order to be an actor of the human procreation;
In order to have the conjugal physical fun;

A catholic wife should have a huge consideration for her male. In her mind, man would be the most beautiful creature of the creation, he would be on the top of the natural creation wanted by God. He is her lover, her husband and her potential father of her children. For a catholic woman, he is her natural complementarity. For a catholic wife, husband is so divine as he is coming from the creation of God. The bashing of man/ husband coming from the wife is a social and moral scandal.
The radical feminism, the sexism from female, the misandry, the negationism of alterity and of the complementarity of male and female coming from women, the negationism of the sexuation coming from women, the relativism of the sexuation coming from women are so morally wrong, thus the catholic wife has to refuse them and must fight against, in doxa and in praxis.

The conjugal natural goodness within the couple, and the conjugal charity within the couple are the natural rules and the catholic rules.

It is from love, by love, in love, of love, for love. Love is the source, the cause and the end.
Her first devotion is her husband, because via him, it is the Jesus Christ: the conjugal charity in the mariage.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

My husband has the final say. That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or never voice my opinion. We have discussions, he listens to what I say, and sometimes he agrees and others times he disagrees. When he disagrees, I keep my mouth shut and trust that God is guiding his decisions. Does it always work for the best? No, but always getting what I want wouldn’t always work for the best either. By emasculating men and taking away their natural position as head of the household, I do believe that a lot of families have suffered.

There is so much that I feel emasculated about as a man. My wife not “keeping her mouth shut” is NOT one of them. Just putting that out there.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There is so much that I feel emasculated about as a man. My wife not “keeping her mouth shut” is NOT one of them. Just putting that out there.

We do it differently. We argue and argue and argue and argue and then we negotiate, and then we argue some more and eventually we come up with something that we both like. To date there hasn’t been anything that we haven’t been able to compromise on.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

We do it differently. We argue and argue and argue and argue and then we negotiate, and then we argue some more and eventually we come up with something that we both like. To date there hasn’t been anything that we haven’t been able to compromise on.

Same here. Been together for nearly a decade, married for 3 years. Always seems to work. We make it work.

 

[Baelor]

I’ve tried to be a Biblically submissive wife, but it’s a hard thing to do with a husband who’s not a “take charge” sort. Arguments have come at me that he MUST be a take charge type or he wouldn’t do well at work.

My husband has the final say. That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or never voice my opinion. We have discussions, he listens to what I say, and sometimes he agrees and others times he disagrees. When he disagrees, I keep my mouth shut and trust that God is guiding his decisions… By emasculating men and taking away their natural position as head of the household, I do believe that a lot of families have suffered.

Let us be clear that men having the final say is not really the formal Catholic understanding of being the head of the household.

That being said, I feel bad for any couple that cannot reach a mutually agreeable compromise.

 

[catholicanne]

Let us be clear that men having the final say is not really the formal Catholic understanding of being the head of the household.

That being said, I feel bad for any couple that cannot reach a mutually agreeable compromise.

The head of the household leads the household. In leading, they must also be able to have the final say. How can someone lead when other people make decisions for them?

So as part of a couple, you have never gotten into an argument because one of you simply wouldn’t bend? I have and it’s horrible. I would much rather trust my husband then spend days angry at him and pouting because I didn’t get my way. And I never said he never compromises. I said he has the final say, which may or may not be a compromise (and the truth is that the majority of the time it is a compromise and we both get what we want).

 

[Baelor]

The head of the household leads the household. In leading, they must also be able to have the final say. How can someone lead when other people make decisions for them?

Because being a leader does not mean being an absolutist. Your claims do not follow from one another at all.

So as part of a couple, you have never gotten into an argument because one of you simply wouldn’t bend?

I am not the person to ask. But the relationships of those around me that I consider successful do not involve anyone having the final say when the other person is angry.

I have and it’s horrible. I would much rather trust my husband then spend days angry at him and pouting because I didn’t get my way.

That is your prerogative. I am glad that your husband is perfect and never makes any mistakes ever and that your trust is consequently always well-placed.

And I never said he never compromises.

I never said he did.

I said he has the final say, which may or may not be a compromise (and the truth is that the majority of the time it is a compromise and we both get what we want).

It is not a compromise if one person alone has the decision-making power. And that does not change the fact that a compromise is not the only possible outcome.

 

[Portrait]

My husband has the final say. That doesn’t mean I’m a doormat or never voice my opinion. We have discussions, he listens to what I say, and sometimes he agrees and others times he disagrees. When he disagrees, I keep my mouth shut and trust that God is guiding his decisions. Does it always work for the best? No, but always getting what I want wouldn’t always work for the best either. By emasculating men and taking away their natural position as head of the household, I do believe that a lot of families have suffered.

Dear catholicanne,

Cordial greetings and a very good day. Jolly well said, if only more Catholic women shared your sound views, but I feel that many have enthusiastically embraced the equality ideology of godless secular feminism.

The Church, dear sister, has always and consistently taught that the wife was subject to the authority of her husband and must obey him even as the Church obeys Christ, assuming, of course, that the husbands demands are just and moral. Moreover, it is important to note that this teaching has never been officially abrogated or declared invalid on account of its age and is therefore binding upon the Catholic faithful today.

In his encyclical Arcanum, on Christian marriage, Leo XIII forcefully and clearly restated the traditional (and biblical) teaching:

"The husband is the chief of the family and the head of the wife. The woman, because she is flesh of his flesh, and bone of his bone, must be subject to her husband and obey him; not, indeed, as a servant, but as a companion, so that her obedience shall be wanting in neither honour or dignity. Since the husband represents Christ, and since the wife represents the Church, let there always be, both in him who commands and her who obeys, a heaven born love guiding both in their respective duties. For, “the husband is head of the wife; as Christ is head of the Church…Therefore, as the Church is subject to Christ, so also let wives be to their own husbands in all things”.

It is usual in equality debates, dear sister, for some contemporary Catholics to make an appeal to H.H.JPII’s Mulieris Dignitatem by way of reply. First, however, it should be observed that H.H.JPII presents his teaching as a “personal meditation” (And it seems that the best thing is to give this the style and character of a meditation, his own emphasis). Now the level and binding nature of this “meditation” is far from apparent and can hardly be said to portray definitive teaching which no man is at liberty to question. Second, Pope Leo emphasized precisely the point that Ephesians 5: 22-23 - which is to say the very word of God itself - teaches, namely that subjection is required not “only on the part of the Church” to Christ, as H.H.JPII asserts, but also on the part of the wife to her husband, because in the order of familial authority the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the Church, as Pope Leo taught in the above cited encyclical. Third, H.H.JPII quotes only from the beginning of the key sentence from Ephesians - "For the husband is the head of the wife, omitting the conclusion, “as Christ is head of the Church”.

Quite frankly, dear sister, I fail to see how any authority could exist any more in the family than in Holy Mother Church if there were “mutual subjection” and no ruler-subject relationship between the spouses. This whole “mutual subjection” notion, pushed by so many modern Catholics (including even some conservatives), is surely a conundrum, since you cannot have a subject without a ruler, nor a ruler without a subject, and neither the Church nor the family can have two heads.

When St. Paul spoke of a woman being in subjection to her husband, he meant by that in everything pertaining to the husbands legitimate authority and, of course, everything not contrary to the true Catholic Faith. The occasion could arise, hopefully seldom, if ever, within a pious family, when it will clearly be a woman’s duty to obey God rather than her own husband. In that instance the woman can and must disobey her husband.

Contrary to feminist propaganda, dear sister, a woman can have her own thoughts and opinions and there is nothing untoward with the give and take within marriage. However, the consistent teaching of Holy Mother Church has been that the husband is head of the wife. Thus, in the event of a major disagreement the husband must have the final say, otherwise we are in the situation where there are two heads and the ruler-subject relationship (taught in Ephesians 5: 22-23) would be vitiated. This sort of thing would be utterly at variance with both biblical and Church teaching and would therefore be wrong. Even today when the Western world has been subjected to a barrage of godless feminist ideology, most devout Catholic women would meekly accept the rightful submission to their husband without demur, provided that his manner was not imperious or downright unreasonable.

Woman, dear sister, who stubbornly refuse to accept their husbands authority are inviting anarchy into their homes, as well as setting a very bad and rebellious example to their children. Minor issues can usually be resolved by talking matters through calmly and by the husband always striving to show love, gentleness, reasonableness, patience and fairness to his beloved wife. However, it is a modern error, inspired by a spurious egalitarianism, that insists that families are little democracies. That is just arrant un-Christian nonsense and those who profess the holy religion of Christ should give it no credence whatsoever.

God bless and thankyou for (name removed by moderator)ut expressing the authentic Catholic position relating to the position of women within marriage.

Warmest good wishes,

Portrait

Pax

 

[Baelor]

Portrait,

You are wrong on several issues.

First, let us consider Casti Connubii:
CC:

This order includes both the primacy of the husband with regard to the wife and children, the ready subjection of the wife and her willing obedience, which the Apostle commends in these words…29. With great wisdom Our predecessor Leo XIII, of happy memory, in the Encyclical on Christian marriage which We have already mentioned, speaking of this order to be maintained between man and wife, teaches: "The man is the ruler of the family, and the head of the woman; but because she is flesh of his flesh and bone of his bone, let her be subject and obedient to the man, not as a servant but as a companion, so that nothing be lacking of honor or of dignity in the obedience which she pays.

She is not to be ordered like a child, nor treated like a servant. Could you explain what “as a companion” means to you?

Quite frankly, dear sister, I fail to see how any authority could exist any more in the family than in Holy Mother Church if there were “mutual subjection” and no ruler-subject relationship between the spouses

Then perhaps you should pray and reflect on JPII’s words. If you are incapable of understanding the concept of mutual subjection in leadership, then you are incapable of knowing that your leadership is competent and moral.

Thus, in the event of a major disagreement the husband must have the final say, otherwise we are in the situation where there are two heads and the ruler-subject relationship (taught in Ephesians 5: 22-23) would be vitiated

A husband who simply asserts his authority in such a situation, if both possibilities are moral, would be a bad husband indeed, treating his wife as a servant and not as a companion, for one cannot morally compel a companion to do anything that he or she does not wish to do.

However, it is a modern error, inspired by a spurious egalitarianism, that insists that families are little democracies. That is just arrant un-Christian nonsense and those who profess the holy religion of Christ should give it no credence whatsoever.

The Church teaching does not prohibit collective decision-making. The husband and wife may find that that is the most effective way of deciding.