The Fellas

[Epistemes]

There’s a group of guys who I work with at the office, all roughly a little older than myself, most of them married, and unChristian in certain respects. There’s nothing really exceptional about these guys: they have their own values but they don’t mind a little profanity or talking about which women are worthy of being slept with (using idiomatic expressions, of course). It’s all talk. All bark, no bite.

Yes, they’re sinners, but they are also good people at heart. Yes, they’re probably guilty of quite a few mortal sins, but I would doubt many of them would be for murder, social injustice, etc.

If you don’t know the type of guys I’m talking about, then stop reading this thread right now. It’s quite difficult to sum up one person’s character accurately without falling guilty of distortion or perhaps even slander…and so my attempt to characterize 4-5 different people is grossly inaccurate.

Regardless, I work with these “fellas” who - as a guy - I feel a certain urge to hang around with them, associate with them, perhaps even befriend them to a certain extent. Part of this “need” to associate with them seems to arise from the testosterone which flows through my own veins and my biological niche. Another reason might be that I see in these guys a certain “freedom” that I remember distinctly from my days prior to converting to Christianity. ***

Whenever I *do *hang out with these guys, typically after work at some local pub, I’m confronted by the same defamations, profanities and gossip which they would typically engage in even if I wasn’t present. Try as I might to live up to my Christian ethic, I find the temptation to “fit in” more appealling. I’d like to say that, in the past, I haven’t gone to quite the degree I hear and see these fellas do…but unfortunately I must confess that I’ve perhaps even exceeded them at their own game.

Every time this happens, I feel horrible, I feel depressed about what I’ve done to Jesus, I go to confession, and I do my best to embark on the straight and narrow once more. Priests have told me that loneliness might just be the cross which I must bear, that it’s good to associate with “the guys” every once in a while, but I must keep in mind my Christian ethic and act as the “voice crying out in the wilderness,” if need be. A task, I agree, which isn’t easy.

Tonight, I’ve decided not to hang out with the guys. It’s been hard coming to this decision, and right now I feel extremely isolated, alienated, and a bit worrisome that I’m acting more “pious” or spiritually stubborn than I should be. I feel like by not hanging out with sinners, that I’m, in effect, suggesting that I’m better than that, that I don’t sin, and that I shouldn’t associate with those who do. I feel like a Pharisee. But I also realize that I’m not so spiritually strong as to be that “voice crying out in the wilderness” just yet. I know I yield to peer pressure much too easily.

I find I want - and perhaps should - be with these guys every so often (after hours), try to be myself, remain steadfast in my Christian ethic, and serve as a model of the gospel. I also feel like I just want to go out drinking with my buddies and have a good time.

But I also realize that it would pain me to upset Jesus.

I feel so lost, so confused.*

 

[FCEGM]

There’s a group of guys who I work with at the office, all roughly a little older than myself, most of them married, and unChristian in certain respects. There’s nothing really exceptional about these guys: they have their own values but they don’t mind a little profanity or talking about which women are worthy of being slept with (using idiomatic expressions, of course). It’s all talk. All bark, no bite.

Yes, they’re sinners, but they are also good people at heart. Yes, they’re probably guilty of quite a few mortal sins, but I would doubt many of them would be for murder, social injustice, etc.

If you don’t know the type of guys I’m talking about, then stop reading this thread right now. It’s quite difficult to sum up one person’s character accurately without falling guilty of distortion or perhaps even slander…and so my attempt to characterize 4-5 different people is grossly inaccurate.

Regardless, I work with these “fellas” who - as a guy - I feel a certain urge to hang around with them, associate with them, perhaps even befriend them to a certain extent. Part of this “need” to associate with them seems to arise from the testosterone which flows through my own veins and my biological niche. Another reason might be that I see in these guys a certain “freedom” that I remember distinctly from my days prior to converting to Christianity. ****

Whenever I *do *hang out with these guys, typically after work at some local pub, I’m confronted by the same defamations, profanities and gossip which they would typically engage in even if I wasn’t present. Try as I might to live up to my Christian ethic, I find the temptation to “fit in” more appealling. I’d like to say that, in the past, I haven’t gone to quite the degree I hear and see these fellas do…but unfortunately I must confess that I’ve perhaps even exceeded them at their own game.

Every time this happens, I feel horrible, I feel depressed about what I’ve done to Jesus, I go to confession, and I do my best to embark on the straight and narrow once more. Priests have told me that loneliness might just be the cross which I must bear, that it’s good to associate with “the guys” every once in a while, but I must keep in mind my Christian ethic and act as the “voice crying out in the wilderness,” if need be. A task, I agree, which isn’t easy.

Tonight, I’ve decided not to hang out with the guys. It’s been hard coming to this decision, and right now I feel extremely isolated, alienated, and a bit worrisome that I’m acting more “pious” or spiritually stubborn than I should be. I feel like by not hanging out with sinners, that I’m, in effect, suggesting that I’m better than that, that I don’t sin, and that I shouldn’t associate with those who do. I feel like a Pharisee. But I also realize that I’m not so spiritually strong as to be that “voice crying out in the wilderness” just yet. I know I yield to peer pressure much too easily.

I find I want - and perhaps should - be with these guys every so often (after hours), try to be myself, remain steadfast in my Christian ethic, and serve as a model of the gospel. I also feel like I just want to go out drinking with my buddies and have a good time.

But I also realize that it would pain me to upset Jesus.

I feel so lost, so confused.

Epistemes, perhaps meeting with them all together is the problem. It’s very hard being in such a group when you are the only one who has recognized a hunger for God; it’s easier to “go with the flow” when you are out-numbered. Do you have any one in this group whom you feel more friendship towards? If so, then plan a one-on-one get-together, perhaps going to a ballgame or for out pizza so you will feel freer to express yourself and perhaps influence him to the good.

God bless you!

 

[Dorothy]

Epistemes,

You are definitely not being a pharisee, or spiritually stubborn.
Your conscience is being your guide, and this situation sounds like an occasion of sin. Most of the time it is tough to be a follower of Christ, but He is there for us.

Perhaps, as Frances suggested, being friendly one on one would be a better way where you can be yourself.

If that doesn’t work, perhaps through your parish organizations you can make some friends who are like-minded.

 

[danball1]

yo dude

same boat, i know exactly the type of guys ur talking about

as a 21 yr old college kid with alot of friends i’ve had since middle school i know its tough to get out of that group once u realize u need to change…it took awhile but i’ve realized that hanging out w/them doesnt produce anything positive so over the past few months i’ve avoided hanging out with them a lot (this will come with ridicule but its something that needs to be done) and its worked pretty good, although i have lied a lot to get out of things…

its hard because the whole culture of it is about “maning up n not being a -----.” once u get over that its a lot easier to just say u cant hangout that night n eventually they’ll get the message while hopefully still being cool with u at the office

Lonniless may be a cross to bear, As a single guy i do go thru that, but i’ve tried to use it as time to seek God and am currently trying to find new people to hangout with, although that has been tough

hopefully this helps a little n if u wanna talk about it more, u can email me at dfino705@kutztown.edu