The frustration! argh!

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hey…
i havent posted here in quite a while!!!..anyways…so here goes!
my best friend is having a guy problem…and im not sure what more advice i can offer her.
well…pretty much it starts out like this -
2 years ago, she was head over heels for this guy who she met through my cousin. he is a good catholic, smart and not bad looking!!.. but he ‘never’ returned those feelings. well, thats what we thought back then. so he didnt want to lead her on so he avoided her a bit more than usual. however, only recently (2yrs on), did i have the guts to ask him straight up whether he had feelings for my best friend. The answer was - ‘well…i dont know, maybe!’ and i said, ‘ok you have to put it to me in black and white, so yes or no.’ and he looked at me, like, omg, i do not know what to say. but i suggested, ’ so yes!’ in that case. and his expression hinted at yes. so when i continued the convo, he didnt reject to not liking her. but then after, he came up to me and stated that ‘he was not sure and times were complicated back then.’
I think it was partly because he also was in another relationship at the time.
anyways…i couldnt hide this from her, so i told her! she is now head over heels for him again!!..
and pretty much, everyone who meets the both of them, reckon that they would be an ideal couple!!.. he is 21 and she is 20!!!..
she gives him hints that she is interested. and he seems to show some interest. well according to the guy’s really close friend, he thinks that there is chemistry among the 2.
but this guy hasnt bothered to ask her out!!!.. and both have records of having previous dating experience. i.e. he has asked out other girls before. and she has been asked out a few times before.
but…she doesnt know whether hanging on longer just for this boy to ask her out is worth it??.. i mean, isnt it the guy who is meant to be chasing the girl. isnt it the other way around. should she even bother waiting. when it’s more of a man’s job to wait.
i mean, the poor girl has rejected other guys in the process of waiting for this guy!!..
and this guy, apparantly, according to a reliable source, has a fear of rejection!!!.. so i dont no!!!
i think all of her close friends who know this guy are trying to help the 2 come together!!..but honestly, i dont know how the process can be sped up!!!..
i mean, she has been waiting for this guy for about 2 or 3 months now!!..
i dont know what to tell her, since she is my best friend. and i dont want to tell her to move on because, thats what she did last time. and i want them to give it a go…
plus, i can sorta tell, that she would be hurting if she moved forward!!..
any advice on what my best friend could do…???
 
So let’s get this straight…2 years ago, he did nothing even though he supposedly liked her.
Hmmm. Maybe he didn’t like her enough to go out with her. Now, it is two years later. You ask him for your friend about something that happened 2 years ago…You finally get him to admit after much prodding from you, that maybe he liked her a little. 2 years ago. So you then go running back to your friend like you are in middle school because you couldn’t keep this from her. She now is immature enough to put her life on hold for someone that 2 months later is still not asking her out.

“I want them to give it a go.” It is not up to you. It is up to THEM. Seriously, you and your friend should really read the book “He’s Just Not That into You.” You are pushing your friends into something that is not even there and causing drama for many people.
 
Matchmaking never worked for others when I tried it for them with the best intentions!

If she wants to put herself out of her misery, there’s nothing wrong with her asking him to go have a coffee together or something similar.

If he’s too vague and non-commital then she can move on…but all these ‘maybes’ aren’t good for anyone!

Regards, Trishie 🙂
 
***I agree with Trishie.

Secondly, she would be settling for someone who just considers her as ‘eh, maybe.’ I don’t think it’s a good idea…he clearly isn’t all that into her. When men are interested…really interested…they don’t say, ‘eh maybe.’ They say yes!

He is young…she is young…but still, if either men or women like one another, they wouldn’t be shy telling a third party so.

If she wants to go full steam ahead for someone who is ‘eh’ about her…then that is her choice. I hope if they get together that he doesn’t break her heart. How can you be head over heels with someone you haven’t seen or talked to in two years? 😛 ***
 
It seems like he is not really interested by your friend. If you had to pressure him for his to “not reject not liking her”, it’s not really a good sign. :o

You mentioned that the guy has “fear of rejection”, but in this case that’s not relevant because it’s pretty obvious that your friend wants to go out with him, so why would he be afraid of being rejected :confused: Did the “reliable source” say that to justify why he wasn’t asking your friend out? In that case, maybe he’s making up excuses…

What about the other guys that your friend has been rejecting? Are they also good-looking, smart, Catholic guys? In that case, maybe she should stop chasing the one guy that doesn’t seem to think she’s worth the effort, and give the other guys a chance 🙂
 
Marycruz said:
It seems like he is not really interested by your friend. If you had to pressure him for his to “not reject not liking her”, it’s not really a good sign. :o

You mentioned that the guy has “fear of rejection”, but in this case that’s not relevant because it’s pretty obvious that your friend wants to go out with him, so why would he be afraid of being rejected :confused: Did the “reliable source” say that to justify why he wasn’t asking your friend out? In that case, maybe he’s making up excuses…

What about the other guys that your friend has been rejecting? Are they also good-looking, smart, Catholic guys? In that case, maybe she should stop chasing the one guy that doesn’t seem to think she’s worth the effort, and give the other guys a chance 🙂
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👍

My motto? Men and women shouldn’t ‘chase’ each other…if someone is interested in you, you don’t need a butterfly net to catch them. 🙂
 
whatevergirl said:
Secondly, she would be settling for someone who just considers her as ‘eh, maybe.’ I don’t think it’s a good idea…he clearly isn’t all that into her. When men are interested…really interested…they don’t say, ‘eh maybe.’ They say yes!
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I agree. Even if he has a fear of rejection, the OP’s prodding should have been a signal to him that she was willing to date.

The idea that the would-be girlfriend ask out the guy for coffee isn’t a bad idea. But I do wonder if it would accomplish much.
 
***Yeah, I agree.

For the life of me, I never can understand or understood why men AND women do this to themselves. Put themselves through this unnecessary torture, by setting their sights on people who are not that interested in them…and keep pining and pining away. Now, when my dh and I first started getting to know each other, he was ready for something serious, being 10 yrs older. I didn’t know if I was ready to move things between us that fast. We maintained a friendship, but he was very clear…‘sharon, I have plenty of friends, I want to be more than friends, if you don’t want that, let me know.’ Talk about direct. :eek:

So…I stupidly let him go.😦 For a few months anyways, and I missed him so, so when he wafted back into town…to see family…thank goodness he looked me up. 🙂 And we bagan anew. Now, my husband must have seen the future or something…because he set his sights on me, and pursued, even though I wasn’t all that interested at first.

The moral of the story is…it CAN work out, to pursue someone who isn’t all that interested at first. It wasn’t that I wasn’t interested in my husband as a person, it was more at the thought of commitment. 😊 The OP’s friend sounds like she is wanting to pursue someone who doesn’t sound that into HER, as a person. That to me, is a colossal waste of time, when there are plenty of people to date and get to know.

lenni–I don’t know if I’d push this along…he truly doesn’t sound into her. :o what do you think now, after some of the replies you have seen here, today? ***
 
whatevergirl said:
***I agree with Trishie.

Secondly, she would be settling for someone who just considers her as ‘eh, maybe.’ I don’t think it’s a good idea…he clearly isn’t all that into her. When men are interested…really interested…they don’t say, ‘eh maybe.’ They say yes!

He is young…she is young…but still, if either men or women like one another, they wouldn’t be shy telling a third party so.

If she wants to go full steam ahead for someone who is ‘eh’ about her…then that is her choice. I hope if they get together that he doesn’t break her heart. How can you be head over heels with someone you haven’t seen or talked to in two years? 😛 ***
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mm…all i can remember from this convo with the guy is that he either said ‘yes’ when i pressured him or either just went along. so its not that clear. but this was 2 years ago, when my friend had feelings for him back then!..(o and its because, i am not really a close friend with the guy so, thats y i had 2 pressure him for an answer - and i know that it is possible to get it out of him that way)

the asking him out thing - wouldn’t that eliminate the element of ‘chase’ for the guy?
even if it’s just for coffee??..
 
lenni said:
mm…all i can remember from this convo with the guy is that he either said ‘yes’ when i pressured him or either just went along. so its not that clear. but this was 2 years ago, when my friend had feelings for him back then!..(o and its because, i am not really a close friend with the guy so, thats y i had 2 pressure him for an answer - and i know that it is possible to get it out of him that way)

the asking him out thing - wouldn’t that eliminate the element of ‘chase’ for the guy?
even if it’s just for coffee??..
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lol–I’m so the wrong person to ask that question:o…because many women think it’s fine to ask a man out and I just don’t…I never ever did that in my life…I was never arrogant…was never a snob…men just did the asking. I never really thought about it much. It worked fine…Would see a boy in class, back in college–he’d smile…I’d smile back…he’d ask me to dinner after class. Simple. But, many women nowadays see me as I was being a snob or aloof back then. I did have guy friends, that I called up…and asked to do things with…but not ask a man out on a date. No. NOW THIS IS JUST ME, LET ME PUT THAT DISCLAIMER IN.*** If other women have no qualms of asking men out…go for it. But, it was how I was raised…the mantra in my Italian family was…‘good Catholic girls don’t ask boys out.’ What can I say? It’s how I was raised. 🤷 My daughter won’t ask a boy out either. My son said…what’s the big deal? It’s 2009 mom. I said…I don’t care…YOU will do the asking.

Sorry you asked me? lol

😃
 
***I would have done well in the Victorian era. Drop your handkerchief on the ground, the man picks it up…and there you go…you have a dinner date! lol 😃 It was like the woman’s way of saying…Hey, dude…I like you…come on ova, and ask me out. (without saying the words)

I really love that era…men and women seemed less complicated. :o I dunno…maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic. But, I have to say…my husband’s pursuit of me was very romantic and chivalrous…we both should have been in the Victorian era.
 
Whatevergirl, it’s not about being Catholic… it’s good psychology. Well, then again, being Catholic isn’t a “religion” it’s a way of viewing the universe… as it truly is, in keeping with the plan of the Maker.

So amazing how being a good Catholic girl was also the smart thing.

I see so many bad relationships because the woman is pursuing someone who isn’t that in to her. I was one of those silly people who worked harder at it than he did. What did I “catch?” A man who valued me too little because he didn’t really have to earn me. I wrapped myself in a shiny bow and gifted myself to him.

Bad psychology.

If you have to beg a guy to ask you out, he’s not going to be a good one. Mentally, men need to be the chasers. But a man who approaches you without permission is also bad news. You have to give him permission… either through a friend who says “You have a green light, dude” or by catching his eye and smiling and giving him permission to approach. We all know the dance.

THEN if he’s interested he can say hi. And ask you out.

I am of the firm belief that a woman who does the asking has put herself at a disadvantage. She is either getting a man who has no clue socially, or she’s getting someone who sees her as an easy time filler till he meets someone he really wants.

My mother used to say “Don’t be so available” to his schedule. Shoulda followed that one too.

Now I’m watching DD2 try too hard to hang onto her waste of a bf and she can’t see that she’s giving way more than she’s getting. Even his mother told me “she’s more dependent on him than he is on her.” But that fool won’t send my daughter home or set any boundaries at her house.

Matchmaking doesn’t work. The only thing you can do is that middle school thing where you tell someone “She likes you” and then let them take it from there.

Do we ever get much beyond middle school in life? :rolleyes:
 
lenni said:
mm…all i can remember from this convo with the guy is that he either said ‘yes’ when i pressured him or either just went along. so its not that clear. but this was 2 years ago, when my friend had feelings for him back then!..(o and its because, i am not really a close friend with the guy so, thats y i had 2 pressure him for an answer - and i know that it is possible to get it out of him that way)

the asking him out thing - wouldn’t that eliminate the element of ‘chase’ for the guy?
even if it’s just for coffee??..
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Yes.

Honestly, if one of my friends was in that situation I would tell her to move on and stop wasting her time on a guy that doesn’t even bother to ask her out when it’s very obvious that she likes him.

If she asks him out and they end up together, he probably won’t value her much (like Liberanosamalo said), regardless of what kind of date it will be. When you work for something you cherish it more than when it’s given to you for free, you know what I mean? If he feels like your friend is trying too hard and they do end up together he’ll just take her for granted, and that would lead to an unhealthy relationship.

I think that at this point, the best thing your friend could do right now is stop chasing him, maybe give a chance to the other guys, and hope that if he does like her he’ll ask her out. 👍
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Whatevergirl, it’s not about being Catholic… it’s good psychology. Well, then again, being Catholic isn’t a “religion” it’s a way of viewing the universe… as it truly is, in keeping with the plan of the Maker.

So amazing how being a good Catholic girl was also the smart thing.

I see so many bad relationships because the woman is pursuing someone who isn’t that in to her. I was one of those silly people who worked harder at it than he did. What did I “catch?” A man who valued me too little because he didn’t really have to earn me. I wrapped myself in a shiny bow and gifted myself to him.

Bad psychology.

If you have to beg a guy to ask you out, he’s not going to be a good one. Mentally, men need to be the chasers. But a man who approaches you without permission is also bad news. You have to give him permission… either through a friend who says “You have a green light, dude” or by catching his eye and smiling and giving him permission to approach. We all know the dance.

THEN if he’s interested he can say hi. And ask you out.

I am of the firm belief that a woman who does the asking has put herself at a disadvantage. She is either getting a man who has no clue socially, or she’s getting someone who sees her as an easy time filler till he meets someone he really wants.

My mother used to say “Don’t be so available” to his schedule. Shoulda followed that one too.

Now I’m watching DD2 try too hard to hang onto her waste of a bf and she can’t see that she’s giving way more than she’s getting. Even his mother told me “she’s more dependent on him than he is on her.” But that fool won’t send my daughter home or set any boundaries at her house.

Matchmaking doesn’t work. The only thing you can do is that middle school thing where you tell someone “She likes you” and then let them take it from there.

Do we ever get much beyond middle school in life? :rolleyes:
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lol–really.

I didn’t say the Catholic comment, my family did. lol

I’m of the belief, now being an adult…that if a man can’t find the gumption to ask a woman he really likes out…it could be that he is shy, yes…and afraid of rejection, but will he be shy to go on job interviews too…possible rejection there also. I just feel that if a man can’t accept the word no when asking a woman out, how will he handle much larger issues in life, as a husband? I have seen friends of mine who have done the asking…it never worked out well. The men treated them badly…they thought my friends were desperate…etc etc. I am not saying it can never work…BUT, it just wasn’t how I was raised. I have a dear friend who is always lamenting about how her husband never makes decisions…always turns to her for everything…she asked him to marry HER. Sorry, I agree with Liberano…it’s just biology perhaps, that causes men to like to be the pursuer. :o

Liberano…you are a CATCH! Your ex is…well…let’s not get into it…but, there are many men out there, who are good Catholic men, smart, attractive, witty…who would treat you very well, I just know it.

Sorry OP, for going OT!! 😊***
 
Irishmom2 said:
So let’s get this straight…2 years ago, he did nothing even though he supposedly liked her.
Hmmm. Maybe he didn’t like her enough to go out with her. Now, it is two years later. You ask him for your friend about something that happened 2 years ago…You finally get him to admit after much prodding from you, that maybe he liked her a little. 2 years ago. So you then go running back to your friend like you are in middle school because you couldn’t keep this from her. She now is immature enough to put her life on hold for someone that 2 months later is still not asking her out.

“I want them to give it a go.” It is not up to you. It is up to THEM. Seriously, you and your friend should really read the book “He’s Just Not That into You.” You are pushing your friends into something that is not even there and causing drama for many people.
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mm…i forgot to address this comment!..
um…i never pushed her into liking this guy again! i told her… because, from 2 years ago, she wanted to know what was wrong. why she suddenly was getting rejected by him! and she even stopped liking him as a friend.
and i forced it out of him about 3 months back!..
but…he admitted to having something for the girl!!!..

i mean…all of his friends think that he will eventually ask my friend out and that she should be patient!!! and these are friends who also are super close friends to the guy as well! so thats why she is sticking around.

i dunno, would it be so bad - if they talked about there feelings?..but my friend initiates the convo?
cause, im going off another friend’s experience - she said, that often when she liked a guy!.. she would straight up tell him! however, later she said, that her bro told her to let the guy figure it out on his own…
but would talking about feelings do anything??.. or would it ruin even a friendship if only one of the wanted to take it further?
 
lenni said:
hey…
i havent posted here in quite a while!!!..anyways…so here goes!
my best friend is having a guy problem…and im not sure what more advice i can offer her.
well…pretty much it starts out like this -
2 years ago, she was head over heels for this guy who she met through my cousin. he is a good catholic, smart and not bad looking!!.. but he ‘never’ returned those feelings. well, thats what we thought back then. so he didnt want to lead her on so he avoided her a bit more than usual. however, only recently (2yrs on), did i have the guts to ask him straight up whether he had feelings for my best friend. The answer was - ‘well…i dont know, maybe!’ and i said, ‘ok you have to put it to me in black and white, so yes or no.’ and he looked at me, like, omg, i do not know what to say. but i suggested, ’ so yes!’ in that case. and his expression hinted at yes. so when i continued the convo, he didnt reject to not liking her. but then after, he came up to me and stated that ‘he was not sure and times were complicated back then.’
I think it was partly because he also was in another relationship at the time.
anyways…i couldnt hide this from her, so i told her! she is now head over heels for him again!!..
and pretty much, everyone who meets the both of them, reckon that they would be an ideal couple!!.. he is 21 and she is 20!!!..
she gives him hints that she is interested. and he seems to show some interest. well according to the guy’s really close friend, he thinks that there is chemistry among the 2.
but this guy hasnt bothered to ask her out!!!.. and both have records of having previous dating experience. i.e. he has asked out other girls before. and she has been asked out a few times before.
but…she doesnt know whether hanging on longer just for this boy to ask her out is worth it??.. i mean, isnt it the guy who is meant to be chasing the girl. isnt it the other way around. should she even bother waiting. when it’s more of a man’s job to wait.
i mean, the poor girl has rejected other guys in the process of waiting for this guy!!..
and this guy, apparantly, according to a reliable source, has a fear of rejection!!!.. so i dont no!!!
i think all of her close friends who know this guy are trying to help the 2 come together!!..but honestly, i dont know how the process can be sped up!!!..
i mean, she has been waiting for this guy for about 2 or 3 months now!!..
i dont know what to tell her, since she is my best friend. and i dont want to tell her to move on because, thats what she did last time. and i want them to give it a go…
plus, i can sorta tell, that she would be hurting if she moved forward!!..
any advice on what my best friend could do…???
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First of all, I don’t think you should’ve talked to the guy about this without asking your friend first, even though I’m sure you did it with the best of intentions. As for your friend, I think it’s best if she just moved on. I know it’s easier said than done, but really what did you hope to accomplish by telling your friend? It just made matters worse. If the guy’s interested, he would let her know; otherwise, he’s not worth the trouble. Seriously, what self-respecting girl would want a wuss for a boyfriend? Besides, I think the guy’s made his intentions quite clear. I just don’t think he’s interested, or at least his interest level is not high enough to initiate anything with your friend. Judging from your conversation with him, he was just being nice, and didn’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings. Unfortunately, you went and told your friend and got her hopes up again. My advice to you is to basically stay out of it from now on. Be there for your friend, but try not to do stuff like this again. I know I may sound harsh, but seeing that I’m probably a bit older than you, I do know what I’m talking about, sometimes. In any case, I hope things work out for the best.
 
SomeCatholicGuy said:
First of all, I don’t think you should’ve talked to the guy about this without asking your friend first, even though I’m sure you did it with the best of intentions. As for your friend, I think it’s best if she just moved on. I know it’s easier said than done, but really what did you hope to accomplish by telling your friend? It just made matters worse. If the guy’s interested, he would let her know; otherwise, he’s not worth the trouble. Seriously, what self-respecting girl would want a wuss for a boyfriend? Besides, I think the guy’s made his intentions quite clear. I just don’t think he’s interested, or at least his interest level is not high enough to initiate anything with your friend. Judging from your conversation with him, he was just being nice, and didn’t want to hurt your friend’s feelings. Unfortunately, you went and told your friend and got her hopes up again. My advice to you is to basically stay out of it from now on. Be there for your friend, but try not to do stuff like this again. I know I may sound harsh, but seeing that I’m probably a bit older than you, I do know what I’m talking about, sometimes. In any case, I hope things work out for the best.
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***I totally agree with this. ***
 
Quite frankly, I’m a little annoyed at your attitude about the whole thing.

You really have no ‘right’ to try to force any sort of admission out of him. Who he likes or doesn’t like is his own business. If he wants to date her or not, that is HIS business. Not yours!

All of this is his personal business until he decides to approach her (if he does) and then it makes it ‘their’ business. Nobody else’s! Not you, not your other friends, no one but them.

So what if everyone thinks they should be together?!? They are putting pressure on a situation that they shouldn’t be sticking their noses in. In fact all of you and your friends that are voicing your opinions and butting in by forcing him to talk about it, would do alot better in focusing on yourselves and your own task of growing up.

My own husband had a busybody, nosy friend who wanted to ‘get us together’ and talked about ‘how perfect’ we were for each other. It was all the buzz amongst his friends and they all tried to talk to each of us about how we felt about each other. My now husband waited all that much more to ask me out because he didn’t want our courtship to start under the microscope of our friends. Not only for his own privacy but also for mine.

I should’ve told all those ‘friends’ to shut their yappers and focus on their own relationships because they had lightyears of growing up to do with how they were dealing with things.

Look, you can’t really know if other people like each other. Heck, it’s a mystery to them in the very begining because they have to grow into knowing each other step by step before they know if they really do like each other.

None of this should be done under the watchful gossipy gaze (yes, admit the gossip, if you have ‘reliable sources’ about his fear of rejection, then you guys have invaded his privacy about this and chewed the fat about it for your own curiosity). None of this is your business unless he goes up to you and says, “Hey I have a fear or rejection, I like your bf, what do I do?”

If your bf comes up to you and says, “I don’t know why he won’t ask me out, I don’t know why he rejected me from 2 years ago.” Then you say, “Hey, that’s something you should talk to him about.”

No mature relationship is going to happen with extra people in the mix saying things like, “I want them to give it a go.”
You don’t get to decide what is best for them.

Stop trying to be the go-between by getting information from him for her. Let them work it out (or not) between the two of them. Because if they aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it without ‘friends’ telling them what to do, then they aren’t old enough to even think about dating each other.
 
MCGar said:
Quite frankly, I’m a little annoyed at your attitude about the whole thing.

You really have no ‘right’ to try to force any sort of admission out of him. Who he likes or doesn’t like is his own business. If he wants to date her or not, that is HIS business. Not yours!

All of this is his personal business until he decides to approach her (if he does) and then it makes it ‘their’ business. Nobody else’s! Not you, not your other friends, no one but them.

So what if everyone thinks they should be together?!? They are putting pressure on a situation that they shouldn’t be sticking their noses in. In fact all of you and your friends that are voicing your opinions and butting in by forcing him to talk about it, would do alot better in focusing on yourselves and your own task of growing up.

My own husband had a busybody, nosy friend who wanted to ‘get us together’ and talked about ‘how perfect’ we were for each other. It was all the buzz amongst his friends and they all tried to talk to each of us about how we felt about each other. My now husband waited all that much more to ask me out because he didn’t want our courtship to start under the microscope of our friends. Not only for his own privacy but also for mine.

I should’ve told all those ‘friends’ to shut their yappers and focus on their own relationships because they had lightyears of growing up to do with how they were dealing with things.

Look, you can’t really know if other people like each other. Heck, it’s a mystery to them in the very begining because they have to grow into knowing each other step by step before they know if they really do like each other.

None of this should be done under the watchful gossipy gaze (yes, admit the gossip, if you have ‘reliable sources’ about his fear of rejection, then you guys have invaded his privacy about this and chewed the fat about it for your own curiosity). None of this is your business unless he goes up to you and says, “Hey I have a fear or rejection, I like your bf, what do I do?”

If your bf comes up to you and says, “I don’t know why he won’t ask me out, I don’t know why he rejected me from 2 years ago.” Then you say, “Hey, that’s something you should talk to him about.”

No mature relationship is going to happen with extra people in the mix saying things like, “I want them to give it a go.”
You don’t get to decide what is best for them.

Stop trying to be the go-between by getting information from him for her. Let them work it out (or not) between the two of them. Because if they aren’t old enough or mature enough to do it without ‘friends’ telling them what to do, then they aren’t old enough to even think about dating each other.
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***BUT…

your friends were right…:D***
 
Those friends delayed my husband asking me out, to the point where I almost moved on to date someone different.

Then where would we be?
 
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