The Limits of a Premarital Relationships

[mcliffor]

I am 20 years old and go to a secular (well, it says it’s “quaker”) college. I am currently considering a monastic vocation. Though I feel called to the priesthood, I have never been in a serious relationship, and so I wouldn’t really know whether or not I was actually being called to marriage. I don’t think it’s good to walk into a monastery with the philosophy, “marriage isn’t for me,” when I’ve never even been in a relationship.

But the reason I bring this up is because I recently read an article in the EWTN library about “heavy petting” outside of marriage which said, “All sexual arousal and desire outside marriage is a mortal sin if it is engaged in with full knowledge that it is sinful and if there is a deliberate decision to do it anyway.”

Although I don’t doubt this is the Church’s teaching, or the ability for a couple to come intimately close to one another without kissing, I just don’t understand how I could POSSIBLY reconcile this with the expectations of out modern, secular society! I have never met ANYONE who was in a relationship where they didn’t make out, and most people I know find their partners by hooking up with people before they commit to each other. Random “hook ups” are common. How, in a totally secular environment where even the fellow Catholics on campus think I’m overly orthodox, could I be expected to carry on an intimate relationship with someone? Knowing that kissing is a mortal sin makes it so much harder to date or carry on a relationship.

I am so tired of this stigma associated with my religion. Before I read this article, people thought I was abnormal and “anal retentive” because I argued against the use of birth control and premarital sex. Now I have to find a way to marry without ever kissing? It just doesn’t seem possible. There are too few catholics left, and ALL of my “catholic” friends see nothing wrong with birth control or even premarital sex. Please tell me this document is wrong! I don’t think I could stand to have a nother strike against me when it comes to fitting into the culture I live in.

ewtn.com/library/YOUTH/PETTING.TXT

 

[Fergal]

Where does it say that kissing is a mortal sin? Have we the same documents?

I didn;t see the word ‘kiss’ or ‘kissing’ even once.

Come on now stop fooling yourself.

Jesus did not say it would be easy. He said it would be worth it. So stick with it and follow the tachings of the Church.

 

[Alterum]

I’m twenty as well, and I too am considering a call to the priesthood or a monastic life. I just want to let you know that I essentially agree with what you regard as the implications of that document. I do believe that kissing should be reserved for marriage, and physical intimacy should be kept to a minimum (brief hugging, or something like that, would be okay). I know there are a lot of other people out there who believe the same thing. I’ve seen many teenagers commit to saving their first kiss for the altar. At the same time, it is relatively rare to find this sort of person.

Regardless, God is active in your life, and if it is His will that you marry – as long as you follow Him – you will marry. I don’t know if this is what you were suggesting, but don’t succumb to the ‘pressures’ of society because you believe without doing so you will have no hope of ever finding a spouse. Again, God will lead you to a spouse if that is what He desires. Neglecting to work to perfect the virtue of chastity along the way, for example, will only provide for resistance to God’s Grace.

 

[Madia]

I don’t think it’s good to walk into a monastery with the philosophy, “marriage isn’t for me,” when I’ve never even been in a relationship.

Don’t you think that it’s unfair to a person to date them just to see whether or not marriage is for you? Try to discern your calling first before you pursue a serious relationship.

This website might be of some interest:
pureloveclub.com/

 

[beckyann2597]

Fergal:

Where does it say that kissing is a mortal sin? Have we the same documents?

I didn;t see the word ‘kiss’ or ‘kissing’ even once.

Come on now stop fooling yourself.

Jesus did not say it would be easy. He said it would be worth it. So stick with it and follow the tachings of the Church.

ditto,
petting is way different from kissing.

 

[1ke]

I don’t think you have to have a relationship, or series of them, to know if you are called to a religious vocation versus marriage. You have grown up in a family all your life, have you not? You know what work, family, and responsibility are as they apply to marriage. You feel called to a monastic life. You have not felt called to have a girlfriend or towards career and fatherhood. I think that says a lot.

Now, as to secular culture versus church teaching. Stick with the church, she won’t let you down. If you meet people with lower expectations then they are not the right person for you. Don’t lower your standards. There are plenty of other people with the same standards, you are just not meeting them at this point in your life. If you were at a college like, for example, Ave Maria or Steubenville you would perhaps find more like-minded individuals.

You wrote,* “I just don’t understand how I could POSSIBLY reconcile this with the expectations of out modern, secular society! I have never met ANYONE who was in a relationship where they didn’t make out”.* What I can say is that we are called to be light to the world. So, it is not YOU who needs to change, but society. You must be the leaven. Set your standards based on what you know is right, and if you do meet someone and want to date them just make sure they know your standards and agree with them.

But, again, I don’t think you should date based on what you’ve said. I suggest you find a good, solid spiritual advisor to discuss your vocation with.

 

[mcliffor]

Madia:

Don’t you think that it’s unfair to a person to date them just to see whether or not marriage is for you? Try to discern your calling first before you pursue a serious relationship.

This website might be of some interest:
pureloveclub.com/

Thank you for the website. It looks helpful.

For clarification, I would only date someone who I thought I could marry, meaning my purpose in doing so would be to marry, not to use that person to work out my vocation.

 

[patientone]

It’s great that you think differently than main stream society. Different is good! Especially when it relates to strong morals. If marriage is your calling then it sounds like a good old fashioned courtship is in order.

 

[Benedictus]

First of all, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with kissing a girlfriend. I, for one, wouldn’t consider dating someone who refused to kiss me before marriage. Reasonable expressions of affection are important in a relationship. Or maybe I’m just horny. You decide.

“Making out” I interpret to mean “French kissing”, which is best avoided.

Now when I was about 20, I was seriously considering the religious life. I even visited one community and was planning on joining it. Then I got involved with a girl. I had never been in a serious relationship, and I learned a lot about myself. She ended up leaving me almost two years later (which sucked), but I’m still thankful that I was “involved” with her.

I have almost no desire nor interest in being a priest or brother. Maybe that means I passed up my vocation, but I’d like to think that the relationship I was in helped me discern my true vocation and avoid making a huge mistake.

I won’t tell you that you should get involved in a relationship, but it was helpful for me (and for at least one other person I know). Your mileage may vary.

 

[BlestOne]

As a married woman, I don’t understand how you can think that kissing is considered heavy petting. I dated my husband for 6 years before we married and we chose to follow what we knew was right and not engage in sexual relations before we married, but we did kiss, hold hands, and hug each other. Honestly, I would have thought him incapable of being in a marital relationship if we did not at least show some affection for each other. I was in such a marriage (not validly) previously, so it was very important to me to see this innocent affection before consenting to marry the man. I won’t go into my previous marriage except to say that I mistook his inability to show affection before we married for him respecting me. I was wrong, had I known that ahead of time it would have saved alot of heartbreak and time. There isn’t anything wrong with showing the other person you care about them in such a way, as long as it doesn’t lead to sin. We had also discussed this with our pastor while we were dating, he offered some great advice to us. He said, “I really commend your decision to be chaste, it shows me and the community that you love each other enough to be concerned with the others soul. Just remember to keep that first in your minds and not give in to the selfish desires you may feel.” I though that was great advice. My husband and I are concerned with each others salvation more than our own desires and it is the most wonderful experience of my life.

I pray that you can discern what God wishes for you in your life. It may make it easier for you if you spend a little more time discerning before you jump into a relationship just to decide if it is right for you. Remember, every relationship, whether romantic in nature or not, should always point to Christ.