The loneliness is eating me up

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redbetta

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Whenever I post here about my troubles, the first thing that everybody says is that college will get better. But, I still have senior year of high school to go and I cannot take it anymore. I cannot be honest with my parents or my whole family because of the language barrier and their merely cultural Catholicism. I cannot connect with anybody my age. My life basically revolves around cycling, homework, doing errands for my parents, and catechizing myself when I have time because my Catholic high school is terrible.

I cannot go to a different parish, a Newman Center at a local college, a youth convention, or whatever because I cannot drive by myself because I am a hazard on the road and I cannot ask my parents because I am hiding my seriousness in the Faith from them. I tried parish youth group, but all they talk about is video games and comic book heroes and they may as well be speaking in Swahili while I am there because I do not get a word that they are saying.

I am just sick of the loneliness, sick of crying at night for another person to care about me, to listen to what I have to say and understand. And I keep getting the feeling that life will not improve after college because it seems to me that adult life is only more miserable and mundane. I do not feel motivated to research colleges or careers because it all looks the same and, whatever choice I pick, I will still probably be alone he rest of my life whether or not I have a good job.

I need help in my despair and sorry if I am annoying anyone by asking for too much personal help on here. I just have no where else to turn.
 
redbetta said:
Whenever I post here about my troubles, the first thing that everybody says is that college will get better. .
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I am going to be brutally honest with you.

First I think you are wise to feel offended by this comment because it is not always true, college can be harder. Second, who cares if college will be better, you want to be happy today. So good for you for not falling for false hopes
redbetta said:
. I cannot be honest with my parents or my whole family because of the language barrier and their merely cultural Catholicism. .
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That is a common reality of the faith. Very few people are as devout as you seem to be. And even if they are devout, it is such a personally thing, it is rare to find someone on your wave length
redbetta said:
I am just sick of the loneliness, sick of crying at night for another person to care about me, to listen to what I have to say and understand.
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I am sorry for this. The only thing you can do is persevere in prayer
redbetta said:
. And I keep getting the feeling that life will not improve after college because it seems to me that adult life is only more miserable and mundane.
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Again you are wise because becoming an adult does not mean happiness will fall on your lap.

However, this is the one thing I do think you need to change. It seems like you have made up your mind life will not get better. It is wise to realize life will always have struggles, it is NOT wise to close all doors to happiness. Try to be open to the fact there could be some good in the future.

Start with one thing a day. Try to notice one good thing a day, even if it is something as simple as looking a tree and seeing how beautiful it is

Angie
 
What’s helped me in a similar situation is helping those less fortunate. I tried a few volunteer opportunities until I discovered my joy to have weekly time spent at a children’s shelter. My whole perspective changed, short-term and long-term. I am not going into details, but wanted to at list introduce the subject of volunteering to help others.
 
I’m sorry, I don’t recall your other posts. Why are you a hazard on the road?
 
I think that part of the problem may be that you are looking to the world to offer you relief from your loneliness, but this loneliness may be a cross put on your shoulder by God in order to draw you closer to Him.

When you feel sad about your situation, do you think about how lonely Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane and other times? Do you offer your loneliness up to Him in consolation for His loneliness?

The theme of God’s loneliness recurs in the story of His Sacred Heart, and I also found very good information about this in a by Fr Michael Gaitley*Consoling the Sacred Heart of Jesus, *. He writes in a very breezey casual style, and that took some getting used to for me (old lady here ;)) but I think it might help you understand how to use your current situation to help your spiritual life.

You can probably get the book through your library or inter-library loan.

Also, if you are not engaging in mental prayer, you may be at a point where it would be beneficial for you. There are lots of different instructions online to help you with this, bit of course the best thing would be to discuss it with a good priest or religious, which i suspect you might not have one of in your life, given your feeling of isolation. If it seems that mental prayer seems a little unstructured, well, yes, it is.

There are 4 steps: recalling oneself the the awareness of the nearness of God, mentally considering an aspect of God’s truth or imagining being in an episode of Christ’s life, allowing this to increase one’s devotion to God, and forming a *specific *resolution for one’s life.

Saints who write about this generally recommend that each person meditate on whatever will be most fruitful in arousing devotion to God, and that the timing of each step not be delayed once one has completed the step (beginners often spend a lot of time on the second step, bit after a while, they spend less time on the second and more time on the third; also, beginners usually need more time for the first but that will decrease.)

Saints also recommend choosing the meditation the night before rather than during the period of mental prayer.

(Oops… sorry I went on for so long–sure hope something in here helps you :))
 
Go talk to your school counselor, talk to them regularly, and do what they say (unless it’s immoral).

Maybe advertise a book club at school? If you choose the title appropriately, you may discover that there are other people like yourself at school.

Also, read 1 Kings 19. Here’s a snippet where Elijah is complaining that he is the only faithful prophet of God left in Israel and God answers:

"Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

"14He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

“15The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.””

You’re going to be fine.
 
Cat said:
I’m sorry, I don’t recall your other posts. Why are you a hazard on the road?
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I have a driver’s license, but I am too absent-minded while driving. I have trouble noticing multiple things at the same time and my reaction time is pretty slow. For example, my mom once yelled at me at a parking lot because I was not following the arrows. What arrows? And then I noticed a bunch of faded arrows for the first time on a parking lot that I have been to multiple times. I also have a lousy sense of direction: I cannot remember street names and I mix up routes. I also do not know how to drive on an expressway and I am terrified of high speeds.
 
Xantippe said:
Go talk to your school counselor, talk to them regularly, and do what they say (unless it’s immoral).

Maybe advertise a book club at school? If you choose the title appropriately, you may discover that there are other people like yourself at school.

Also, read 1 Kings 19. Here’s a snippet where Elijah is complaining that he is the only faithful prophet of God left in Israel and God answers:

"Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

"14He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”

“15The Lord said to him, “Go back the way you came, and go to the Desert of Damascus. When you get there, anoint Hazael king over Aram. 16Also, anoint Jehu son of Nimshi king over Israel, and anoint Elisha son of Shaphat from Abel Meholah to succeed you as prophet. 17Jehu will put to death any who escape the sword of Hazael, and Elisha will put to death any who escape the sword of Jehu. 18Yet I reserve seven thousand in Israel—all whose knees have not bowed down to Baal and whose mouths have not kissed him.””

You’re going to be fine.
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I honestly hate school counselors. Last year, I had to switch counselors because my other one, who was new at the school, would not get off my case because of something minor and would not take my word when I said that she was bugging me and wasting my time instead of helping me. So now I have a new counselor who only sees me the mandatory once a quarter like the rest of the school.
 
Your cry for help is not unusual for someone your age but it is nonetheless very important. From your post you seem like an earnest person and wanting to relate to people of faith so you can grow in understanding yourself. This is the limitation we have when we deal with the secular world; we don’t control everything (and, yes, there are secular people in the Church.)

What we do control is how we deal with the world. I suggest you turn your thoughts on God and make Him your priority in life. It sounds like you’ve tried to fill your life with physical activities; try spiritual activities. Instead of focusing on your life, try volunteering to help other lives. Though you may think your parents drag you down at least you have parents; try volunteering at a youth shelter or orphanage. Though you may feel let down by your parish youth group, try volunteering at a local hospital where patients are isolated because of their medical needs.

For some reason, young adults seem to emphasize their own woes more than older adults. I don’t know why that is but believe, in my own life, I’ve walked in your shoes and understand what you may be experiencing. Give it time because life takes time. You’ll experience the ups and downs and learn to cope with both and from there, you’ll be better prepared to listen to others and hopefully give them life’s lessons.

God Bless you and may He always keep you in His Grace.
 
redbetta said:
I honestly hate school counselors. Last year, I had to switch counselors because my other one, who was new at the school, would not get off my case because of something minor and would not take my word when I said that she was bugging me and wasting my time instead of helping me. So now I have a new counselor who only sees me the mandatory once a quarter like the rest of the school.
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That was your cue to say, “I don’t think that’s a big deal, Mrs. Counselor, but there is something that’s really been bothering me…” Even if you think that the new counselor was barking up the wrong tree, she was correct that you are in distress. So give her credit for noticing. Also, is there a teacher you feel safe asking advice?

You have resources at your school–use them.

Also, feel free to tell your mom, “Mom, I’ve been feeling low and I don’t think I can get out by myself. I think I need professional counseling.” Actually, whenever your mom gets on your case in some unreasonable way, that’s not a bad thing to say. You can even do some research–find some possible therapists that your parents’ insurance can cover.
 
Just to let everyone know, my school is so bad, that I try to fight off its influences and I dread going there. I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. I chose to go there because I figured that a single-gender environment would be better for academic productivity and that I would avoid many pitfalls that girls in co-ed schools might fall into. And, in this regard, it worked. I am an academic tiger.

But, the catch is, that our school is extremely feminist in both the good and bad ways. And the bad ways really make me reel. The school is extremely unorthodox. Both the teachers and a lot of the students are pro-abortion and are homophiles. Someone suggested a book club. I am active in the school and hang around the literary types there, and those are where the people least tolerant of anything remotely conservative gather and I keep my mouth shut. Probably the worst thing is that the teachers say something completely unorthodox and look at us in the class expecting us all to nod our heads in agreement just because we are all women as if we are all comrades with the same ideology. And to think this is a Catholic school, I feel betrayed. Especially wit the watered-down religion classes that make me feel as if I am being robbed of my birth right as a cradle Catholic to the riches of my 2,000 year old faith.

So yeah, finding friends in school is hopeless and I would feel lucky if I do not get ganged up upon in political science class this year.

I often wish that I had a boyfriend, because, I guess everyone has these silly dreams about love. But, then I see all the women asking were all the good men are on CAF and complaining that everyone passes them up because they will not have premarital sex. So I figured that it is hopeless. Plus, even if someone does take an interest in me, I would probably avoid developing it into a romantic relationship. Why? Because I have too many faults and emotional baggage and I do not want a poor guy to throw away his life on a bad investment such as myself.

I know very well that only God satisfies, but, nobody answers this question that is the heart of my troubles: How can I have a relationship with a God that I cannot see if I have no relationships to any of the neighbors that I can see? I have to have a relationship with God, but I am incapable of relationships in general. Thanks for al of the replies so far, they have been comforting, but I still need answers.
 
St. Francis did not really write the following prayer, but St. Teresa of Calcutta liked it, anyway, and she incorporated it into the morning prayers of her order, the Missionaries of Charity. It was also approved by Pope Benedict XV in 1916, a few years after it is first known to have been published, and he had it translated from French into Italian and published on the front page of the Vatican newspaper, L’Osservatore Romano.

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is discord, harmony;
Where there is error, truth;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

This is a wild guess, but I suspect that while your family may seem lukewarm in the practice of their faith and actually may be so, and even though they may seem lukewarm towards you, I think they are very serious about how much they love you. I tell you this as an old lady who learned it too late in life: Accept the love you are offered, and do not disdain it because it is not the offering you want. Be humble, and be grateful for those who are offering you something. If your parents have actually discouraged you from standard forms of piety (rather than more extreme forms, such as strict fasts, which any spiritual director might have forbidden you), then talk to your confessor about where you can get a spiritual director who will only turn you away from those things that are actually beyond you, rather than just more intense than your parents happen to be comfortable with.

I heard a very good homily this morning, about the Gospel where St. Peter asked the Lord to bid him to walk on the water, and then sank as he did so because he put his eyes on the danger. He did OK, the priest said, until he took his eyes off of Christ and put his eyes on the dangers he faced, as if he faced them alone. The priest said we need to have courage, but we can only do this if we rely on God and keep our eyes on Christ. As another priest recently said at a wedding, “I have news for you: your new spouse is not perfect and is not always going to make you happy. The only one you can always rely on is God, but if you love God first, you’ll have the power to love your spouse, even when they are being very hard to love.”

Ask the Lord for a friend to support you in your faith. Ask as he taught we should, like the persistent widow (Luke 18) or like the man in bed with a neighbor at his door asking for bread (Luke 11). And if God does not give you the answer you want, ask St. Paul for some advice: Although if I should wish to boast, I would not be foolish, for I would be telling the truth. But I refrain, so that no one may think more of me than what he sees in me or hears from me because of the abundance of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not become too elated, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness.” I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:6-10

Learn also from St. Peter. When he became aware of himself sinking, he did not say, “I can’t take this any more.” Instead, it went like this: *But when he saw how the wind was he became frightened; and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” * Matt. 14:30

You are right: You cannot do this. The Good News is that you were never supposed to do it alone. Ask the Lord to come to your aid, and be persistent. Nag him for someone to help you, if that is the need you feel. Never be afraid to share a need with God, as if you were supposed to get along self-sufficiently.
 
williamwilliam said:
What’s helped me in a similar situation is helping those less fortunate. I tried a few volunteer opportunities until I discovered my joy to have weekly time spent at a children’s shelter. My whole perspective changed, short-term and long-term. I am not going into details, but wanted to at list introduce the subject of volunteering to help others.
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I volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen and more during the school year, but it does nothing for me. I keep my mouth shut and do whatever is needed much like with everything else.
 
redbetta said:
I volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen and more during the school year, but it does nothing for me. I keep my mouth shut and do whatever is needed much like with everything else.
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I had to try a few volunteering roles until one had a lot of meaning to me. Glad to hear you’re involved in one now. At least you know how they work. Later, you can try others until one has greater meaning to you.
 
You sound really depressed. Tell your parents and act quickly to get appropriate mental health care. I suspect that your inner state is affecting how you see the people around you, so that you can’t be fair to them and see who they are. People aren’t just their political affiliations.

If your parents say you can’t afford therapy, ask to go to public school to cover the expense.

Here’s an example of a similar situation (a son who can’t see past his father’s politics) and some very good advice:

blogs.villagevoice.com/music/2014/08/ask_andrew_wk_right_wing_dad.php
 
redbetta said:
Just to let everyone know, my school is so bad, that I try to fight off its influences and I dread going there. I go to an all-girls Catholic high school. I chose to go there because I figured that a single-gender environment would be better for academic productivity and that I would avoid many pitfalls that girls in co-ed schools might fall into. And, in this regard, it worked. I am an academic tiger.

But, the catch is, that our school is extremely feminist in both the good and bad ways. And the bad ways really make me reel. The school is extremely unorthodox. Both the teachers and a lot of the students are pro-abortion and are homophiles. Someone suggested a book club. I am active in the school and hang around the literary types there, and those are where the people least tolerant of anything remotely conservative gather and I keep my mouth shut. Probably the worst thing is that the teachers say something completely unorthodox and look at us in the class expecting us all to nod our heads in agreement just because we are all women as if we are all comrades with the same ideology. And to think this is a Catholic school, I feel betrayed. Especially wit the watered-down religion classes that make me feel as if I am being robbed of my birth right as a cradle Catholic to the riches of my 2,000 year old faith.

So yeah, finding friends in school is hopeless and I would feel lucky if I do not get ganged up upon in political science class this year.

I often wish that I had a boyfriend, because, I guess everyone has these silly dreams about love. But, then I see all the women asking were all the good men are on CAF and complaining that everyone passes them up because they will not have premarital sex. So I figured that it is hopeless. Plus, even if someone does take an interest in me, I would probably avoid developing it into a romantic relationship. Why? Because I have too many faults and emotional baggage and I do not want a poor guy to throw away his life on a bad investment such as myself.

I know very well that only God satisfies, but, nobody answers this question that is the heart of my troubles: How can I have a relationship with a God that I cannot see if I have no relationships to any of the neighbors that I can see? I have to have a relationship with God, but I am incapable of relationships in general. Thanks for al of the replies so far, they have been comforting, but I still need answers.
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If there is a friend for you at your school, she is going to be keeping just as far under the radar as you are. You only have to find that one or those two or three. Yet how are you to unearth this creature? You ask God to unearth her for you.

How do you have a relationship with a God you cannot see? Well, you love Him, don’t you? You believe that God is in the Blessed Sacrament, right? In that case, you gain a relationship with God in the same way as you gain a relationship with anyone else. You spend time with Him. Sometimes you talk. Sometimes you listen to what is in your heart, and you test it against what you know about God, and you learn to hear what is God and what is you talking to yourself. It is an iterative process. Pope St John Paul II once said that exactly how we pray is not nearly so important as that we do pray. If you can find time to pray before the Blessed Sacrament, but if you are kept apart, then tell the Lord you desire to be near him, and ask Him to make up the distance that you cannot travel on your own.

The other thing you do is to practice seeing those around you as souls for whom God thirsts. How can you make God your beloved if you do not try to make those beloved of God into those you love, as well? This means seeing those who are neglecting him, and thirsting for them on God’s behalf, rather than simply being disappointed in them. In your own longing for them to love God, feel God’s own longing for them. This is something you will learn in prayer and meditation on what God has done for you, especially in meditating on the Passion, and then take those lessons into yourself, accepting this great love for you when you were unaware, as one debtor eager to extend generosity to others still in debt, and take that to those others. It comes from God, I mean, and not from us. “Beloved, let us love one another, because love is of God; everyone who loves is begotten by God and knows God. Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love. In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as expiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another. No one has ever seen God. Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us. This is how we know that we remain in him and he in us, that he has given us of his Spirit.” 1 John 4:7-13

Those are some ways you might look at this. Try them out, and if they do not work, try something more. Always keep praying and always keep searching for God and God’s will in your life. Beyond that, though, take the things in this advice that help you towards that end, and let go of those things that are not helping.
 
redbetta said:
I volunteer once a week at a soup kitchen and more during the school year, but it does nothing for me. I keep my mouth shut and do whatever is needed much like with everything else.
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Hmmm…perhaps you fear rejection, and so your heart is shut up. What is needed, after all, is to open your heart to others and let them love you. If you keep yourself shut up like that, it can easily lead to physical depression. That can get your thought patterns into some unfortunate ruts, which will in turn become a sort of physical barrier to giving and receiving love.

I am hearing you in a way that makes me think you might be too wary of a counsellor to accept help from a secular source. That medicine will only do you good if you open yourself up to take it. I urge you to talk seriously with your pastor or confessor about this, or to arrange to talk to the priest who is the chaplain at your school. Realize, though, that obedience may require you to take medicine you do not want to take–I mean, you may resist what your pastor or confessor tell you to do, because their advice is not what you want. That would be my concern. Again, the best hope is to ask God for help before you approach the priest you talk to. Do not go looking for your own answers, but ask God to lead you to what God wants you to do. Dare to trust in God, that is what I mean. He may let the water go around your knees if you trust yourself instead of God, but God will NOT let you drown.
 
I think it is always worth a shot reaching out to people who appear to be in an even worse position than yourself; and at high school there will almost certainly be others who struggle to make friends and are considered ‘unpopular’. Even if you do not find them spectacular company you may end up befriending them out of necessity and find a sense of comradery.

Also, remember that though there are many who appear happy and well-adjusted, if they lack faith, then doubtless there is a big hole in their life and they are probably far less stable and confident than they seem.

That being said: Do not lose faith in the people around you, because there will not always be opportunities to leave your present company in search of other people. Remember God has placed you in this position in life; if you curse the ground you walk on and the situation you are in, then you curse the path that He has lead you down. It might not make sense at the time, but I know from my life that times when I was in total misery, hating my lot, I later on viewed my experiences in a different context and was thankful for the way God lead me.

It’s very difficult, I know, but it does get easier; the hard times, like the good are very seasonal; they come and go. Unhappiness or prolonged loneliness can teach us the gift of endurance; it will strengthen us for the fight. Keep your chin up and find ways to thank God for the small things; realise the gift that faith is in your life, and how few people receive such a treasure!
 
I have been following this thread throughout the day as I have been curios to see what people would suggest to you and as usual you have had some very intelligent and thoughtful responses. However, I notice that you seem to have already tried what others suggest and have not found it helpful. So, I am going to offer you something to think about and I hope to encourage you. First, I assure you that there are others at your school who have very similar feelings as you do and if you could find each other you would immediately see everything change. The big question is how to do that and that will be up to how far you will put yourself out. You mention cycling and this is an activity which many people enjoy, could you find someone to cycle with you? Second, at this stage I suspect that given what you have stated you may project an attitude that you prefer to be alone and that is easy to change. I urge you to set a goal for yourself to reach out to others whenever you can and to make a conscious effort to smile at everyone throughout your day. If you see someone you would like to get to know better just put yourself out there in a small way and say good morning. It won’t be easy but it gets easier with practice. And, lastly, you need someone to talk to and the best place to start is at home with your parents, I urge you to try. God will take care of you, you just need to trust and have faith. I am going to pray for you as often as I can.
 
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