The loneliness is eating me up

[tawny]

Praying for your intentions.

 

[coachdennis]

Whenever I post here about my troubles, the first thing that everybody says is that college will get better. But, I still have senior year of high school to go and I cannot take it anymore. I cannot be honest with my parents or my whole family because of the language barrier and their merely cultural Catholicism. I cannot connect with anybody my age. My life basically revolves around cycling, homework, doing errands for my parents, and catechizing myself when I have time because my Catholic high school is terrible.

I cannot go to a different parish, a Newman Center at a local college, a youth convention, or whatever because I cannot drive by myself because I am a hazard on the road and I cannot ask my parents because I am hiding my seriousness in the Faith from them. I tried parish youth group, but all they talk about is video games and comic book heroes and they may as well be speaking in Swahili while I am there because I do not get a word that they are saying.

I am just sick of the loneliness, sick of crying at night for another person to care about me, to listen to what I have to say and understand. And I keep getting the feeling that life will not improve after college because it seems to me that adult life is only more miserable and mundane. I do not feel motivated to research colleges or careers because it all looks the same and, whatever choice I pick, I will still probably be alone he rest of my life whether or not I have a good job.

I need help in my despair and sorry if I am annoying anyone by asking for too much personal help on here. I just have no where else to turn.

My heart aches for you, it really does. You have received some good advice here, and you have raised objections or have come back with “yeah, but…” to most of them. So, I am going to take a different approach.

Can you answer the following question:

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU REALLY WANT??? I don’t mean in general terms, I mean exactly. What are you asking of other people in your life? Are you asking something of people that is unrealistic and therefore unfair?

Ok, here me out:

1. Unless your parents have a miraculous experience, the way they are is the way they are going to be. You have two choices: accept and love them or don’t make them an important part of your life
2. Your highschool environment is not going to change between now and your graduation. You can cry on your pillow every night and it will not, plain and simple. Know that when you graduate you will never have to hear or see these people again.
3. The Youth Group kids will talk about popular culture. That’s what youth do sometimes. You know what? When adults get together to faith share, they also talk about popular culture and they are can have a strong spiritual life as well. It’s not a sign of weak faith
4. Doing nothing about looking at colleges and future careers will result in nothing changing. And yes, you will probably be working for the next 40 to 50years at a job that will have days of drudgery, boredom, and frustration. Even the best job and career has those elements. It’s called life.

The only person who can change anything in your life is YOU. You may not be able to change the circumstances, but you can change your attitude – and that can be done with God’s help – and you might not like this – he sometimes uses the very people we have the least patience with (parents, classmates, counselors, etc) to accomplish that help.

I will not tell you it gets better. I can’t make that guarantee. I will guarantee that you can view the world the way God wants us to see it if you open yourself to his love. But again, that takes work.

 

[EasterJoy]

My heart aches for you, it really does. You have received some good advice here, and you have raised objections or have come back with “yeah, but…” to most of them. So, I am going to take a different approach.

Can you answer the following question:

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU REALLY WANT??? I don’t mean in general terms, I mean exactly. What are you asking of other people in your life? Are you asking something of people that is unrealistic and therefore unfair?

Ok, here me out:

1. Unless your parents have a miraculous experience, the way they are is the way they are going to be. You have two choices: accept and love them or don’t make them an important part of your life
2. Your highschool environment is not going to change between now and your graduation. You can cry on your pillow every night and it will not, plain and simple. Know that when you graduate you will never have to hear or see these people again.
3. The Youth Group kids will talk about popular culture. That’s what youth do sometimes. You know what? When adults get together to faith share, they also talk about popular culture and they are can have a strong spiritual life as well. It’s not a sign of weak faith
4. Doing nothing about looking at colleges and future careers will result in nothing changing. And yes, you will probably be working for the next 40 to 50years at a job that will have days of drudgery, boredom, and frustration. Even the best job and career has those elements. It’s called life.

The only person who can change anything in your life is YOU. You may not be able to change the circumstances, but you can change your attitude – and that can be done with God’s help – and you might not like this – he sometimes uses the very people we have the least patience with (parents, classmates, counselors, etc) to accomplish that help.

I will not tell you it gets better. I can’t make that guarantee. I will guarantee that you can view the world the way God wants us to see it if you open yourself to his love. But again, that takes work.

There is a lot of truth in this. I’d amend it this way:

1. What does God really want? (which is learned in prayer and by spiritual direction and just living and checking back in with God often about how it is going) because there is nothing more likely to make us unhappy than chasing what we want as if it were the Beatific Vision itself.
2. When you struggle (because you will) compare your struggle with the struggles of the saints. How much are you in a struggle of the saints and how much are you in a struggle that comes from being other than a saint (which is the other struggle of the saints).

 

[mommy_k]

Sometimes, you have to choose to be happy. If you rely too much on external things to make you happy-your happiness will continue to depend on events, things and other people.

The good news is that the sadness you are feeling now is temporary. The bad news is if you rely on externals to make you happy, that happiness will be temporary too.

 

[Cat]

I have a driver’s license, but I am too absent-minded while driving. I have trouble noticing multiple things at the same time and my reaction time is pretty slow. For example, my mom once yelled at me at a parking lot because I was not following the arrows. What arrows? And then I noticed a bunch of faded arrows for the first time on a parking lot that I have been to multiple times. I also have a lousy sense of direction: I cannot remember street names and I mix up routes. I also do not know how to drive on an expressway and I am terrified of high speeds.

The way to improve driving and gain skill and confidence is to practice. Do more driving. Start with simple, short drives in familiar territory and do them over and over until you gain some confidence. Then try something a little further away.

redbetta, others have mentioned it, and I will add my voice to theirs. All the symptoms you describe, including the difficulty driving, sound to me like clinical depression.

This has nothing to do with your attitude, your faith, your outlook on life, etc. Clinical depression means that some of the chemicals in your body are out-of-balance, and the result is a depression. You didn’t do anything to cause it.

You can’t “cure” clinical depression by prayer, talking, or cheering up. You can’t cure it with a different diet, more sleep, etc. All of these are good things, and will definitely help someone who is feeling a little blue. But they won’t cure a chemical imbalance.

I hope you will see a doctor and tell him/her that you think you might have a clinical depression. If the doctor agrees, he/she will refer you to a psychiatrist who will work with you to try to find a med(s) that will get your body chemistry back to a balanced state. I’ll warn you that this can take months, as many of the meds have side effects that are worse than the depression! It’s hard to be patient while the psychiatrist is working with you, but if you persevere and don’t give up, you will discover that the meds are incredibly helpful, and that you have a much more hopeful outlook on life. It’s like night and day. It’s like losing a humongous rock that sits on top of your head and heart!

The doctor will also refer you to a psychologist or counselor (licensed), who will do “cognitive” or “talk” therapy with you.

This combination of meds and cognitive therapy has helped many people with clinical depression, and I hope that it will help you.

My husband suffers from clinical depression. Last winter was rough for him, as something happened to send his body out of whack again. But since he has been through it before and recognizes the signs, he got on top of it right away and contacted the doctor without stalling around and making excuses. The psychiatrist worked to adjust his meds, and his counselor did talk sessions with him every few weeks.

It all worked, and he’s had a wonderful summer, even though there have been life circumstances that aren’t ideal. With the new meds and the talk therapy, he’s been able to get on top of those circumstances and stay positive and have realistic expectations of life. He’s even been able to lose ten pounds through diet and exercise, so that’s been a real triumph for him.

I really hope this post is helpful to you. You CAN get better! You really can.

 

[EasterJoy]

The way to improve driving and gain skill and confidence is to practice. Do more driving. Start with simple, short drives in familiar territory and do them over and over until you gain some confidence. Then try something a little further away.

redbetta, others have mentioned it, and I will add my voice to theirs. All the symptoms you describe, including the difficulty driving, sound to me like clinical depression.

This has nothing to do with your attitude, your faith, your outlook on life, etc. Clinical depression means that some of the chemicals in your body are out-of-balance, and the result is a depression. You didn’t do anything to cause it.

You can’t “cure” clinical depression by prayer, talking, or cheering up. You can’t cure it with a different diet, more sleep, etc. All of these are good things, and will definitely help someone who is feeling a little blue. But they won’t cure a chemical imbalance.

I hope you will see a doctor and tell him/her that you think you might have a clinical depression. If the doctor agrees, he/she will refer you to a psychiatrist who will work with you to try to find a med(s) that will get your body chemistry back to a balanced state. I’ll warn you that this can take months, as many of the meds have side effects that are worse than the depression! It’s hard to be patient while the psychiatrist is working with you, but if you persevere and don’t give up, you will discover that the meds are incredibly helpful, and that you have a much more hopeful outlook on life. It’s like night and day. It’s like losing a humongous rock that sits on top of your head and heart!

The doctor will also refer you to a psychologist or counselor (licensed), who will do “cognitive” or “talk” therapy with you.

This combination of meds and cognitive therapy has helped many people with clinical depression, and I hope that it will help you.

My husband suffers from clinical depression. Last winter was rough for him, as something happened to send his body out of whack again. But since he has been through it before and recognizes the signs, he got on top of it right away and contacted the doctor without stalling around and making excuses. The psychiatrist worked to adjust his meds, and his counselor did talk sessions with him every few weeks.

It all worked, and he’s had a wonderful summer, even though there have been life circumstances that aren’t ideal. With the new meds and the talk therapy, he’s been able to get on top of those circumstances and stay positive and have realistic expectations of life. He’s even been able to lose ten pounds through diet and exercise, so that’s been a real triumph for him.

I really hope this post is helpful to you. You CAN get better! You really can.

Yes. Your outlook on life can get you into clinical depression, but trying to switch your outlook will usually not get you out of it. It is like a pitcher who can get an overuse injury from pitching too much. There are things like bad mechanics, too much pitching, too little rest, inadequate preparation and cool down that can lead to injury. Some people can do everything wrong and not get hurt; others can do everything right and still get hurt. Once an athlete has an injury going, though, it is not a matter of mind-over-matter any more. It is an injury that needs rehabilitation.

Like a physical overuse injury to the muscles or joints or tendons, with depression it is important to do what is necessary to rehabilitate and it is important to learn to avoid re-injury. You don’t just “tough out” an overuse injury, and depression can be looked at as being kin to an overuse injury. You get educated at what to do to avoid injury and what to do when your best efforts fail. Then you have to actually make your best effort, and sometimes even then you have to have a professional intervene before you can return to full participation without getting injured again.

Don’t mess around with an overuse injury, and don’t mess around with depression. Get help, and be a compliant patient. Then you can get on top of it and get back to performing according to your ability again. Otherwise, you can do some long-lasting harm that will be that much harder to work around.

 

[JillianRose]

Whenever I post here about my troubles, the first thing that everybody says is that college will get better. But, I still have senior year of high school to go and I cannot take it anymore. I cannot be honest with my parents or my whole family because of the language barrier and their merely cultural Catholicism. I cannot connect with anybody my age. My life basically revolves around cycling, homework, doing errands for my parents, and catechizing myself when I have time because my Catholic high school is terrible.

I cannot go to a different parish, a Newman Center at a local college, a youth convention, or whatever because I cannot drive by myself because I am a hazard on the road and I cannot ask my parents because I am hiding my seriousness in the Faith from them. I tried parish youth group, but all they talk about is video games and comic book heroes and they may as well be speaking in Swahili while I am there because I do not get a word that they are saying.

I am just sick of the loneliness, sick of crying at night for another person to care about me, to listen to what I have to say and understand. And I keep getting the feeling that life will not improve after college because it seems to me that adult life is only more miserable and mundane. I do not feel motivated to research colleges or careers because it all looks the same and, whatever choice I pick, I will still probably be alone he rest of my life whether or not I have a good job.

I need help in my despair and sorry if I am annoying anyone by asking for too much personal help on here. I just have no where else to turn.

Sweet child. It will be okay. Have you ever thought you are getting a calling to the “Holy Life”. I don’t know if you are male or female, but have you considered it?

In Christian Love,
Jilly

 

[Luvz2travel]

I just take things day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. Life is no fun for me right now for various reasons. Seems everything I try fails and I only gain more troubles.

 

[EasterJoy]

I just take things day by day. Sometimes hour by hour. Life is no fun for me right now for various reasons. Seems everything I try fails and I only gain more troubles.

Please find someone to talk to. You are talking like someone depressed, or else you’d have more capacity to count your blessings. To be depressed is like having to fly a plane by night, unable to see, relying only on instruments (your intellect and formed conscience) and feeling unsettled by your other senses. It is incredibly exhausting, which makes the darkness deeper, and this becomes a cycle.

I have had the experience where one talk had the effect of making me feel as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders and a stiff band removed from around my chest. I had not realized that I had not been breathing freely! I had not realized how weighted down I felt! I had thought this was the way life was, and hadn’t realized that this was the way I was, and that it could change without the world itself changing at all. The tightness and the weight had come on so gradually, I had taken it for granted that it had always been there. I certainly had no idea that I could have that kind of relief that suddenly. I had to work at it to keep the weight and the tightness from coming back, I had to pay attention to its creeping back into place, but I knew at least what I was up against, and how good my “normal” really was.

Get some help. Look for someone you trust, and get some help.

 

[Cat]

OP, I hope you and others are listening to some of the reports and discussion about comedian Robin Williams, who allegedly committed suicide yesterday.

He suffered from clinical depression. It’s hard to believe, considering how joyful he was, and how successful in his career. It seems that everyone loved him. But the depression won. May God have mercy on him and welcome him to heaven.

When my husband was first diagnosed, we learned that the greatest risk of clinical depression was suicide.

So please, please, use Robin William’s tragic end as an impetus to get some help for yourself. If you see a doctor and he/she says, “Nope, it’s not depression,” that’s good for you to know. But if the doctor diagnoses depression, it’s a starting place for you to get better.

 

[DOJ96]

Jilly - That is exactly what I was thinking!

redbetta - Have you considered that you are being called? Think and meditate on it. I would encourage you to reach out to your parents - they love you and want what’s best for you. Parents aren’t perfect creatures, but I bet they will listen and help you, especially if you tell them that you need counseling.

By the way, if you are a good cyclist, you have the attention span to drive…practice, practice, practice!

 

[CatholicGuy31]

I am an academic tiger.

This is good. At your age it is important to focus on the things you are good at.

Both the teachers and a lot of the students are pro-abortion and are homophiles.

I would also be inclined question a “Catholic” school where most teachers are pro-abortion.

And to think this is a Catholic school, I feel betrayed.

You are right to feel betrayed.

Especially wit the watered-down religion classes that make me feel as if I am being robbed of my birth right as a cradle Catholic to the riches of my 2,000 year old faith.

This is really sad. My Religion classes are probably one of the reasons why I have remained a Catholic today. They helped me not fall into the ways of the world. Unfortunately most of your colleagues won’t be as lucky as you are to realize this and there is a good chance that most of them will not remain Catholic after 25.

So yeah, finding friends in school is hopeless and I would feel lucky if I do not get ganged up upon in political science class this year.

It can seem a hard fight at times but let me assure you that it will be much harder to give up the truth.

I often wish that I had a boyfriend, because, I guess everyone has these silly dreams about love. But, then I see all the women asking were all the good men are on CAF and complaining that everyone passes them up because they will not have premarital sex. So I figured that it is hopeless.

I can assure you there are men out there also looking for a chaste relationship leading to marriage. If you hold out long enough you will find one and remember that you only need to find just one. Also, keep an open mind about a calling to religious life (unless you have already discerned your vocation).

Plus, even if someone does take an interest in me, I would probably avoid developing it into a romantic relationship. Why? Because I have too many faults and emotional baggage and I do not want a poor guy to throw away his life on a bad investment such as myself.

Once again if you hold on to who you are, he will throw away not just his life but also everything else he has. I would distrust a woman without any faults or emotional baggage, it is what makes us human. What I think is important is to not let them become overwhelming.

I know very well that only God satisfies, but, nobody answers this question that is the heart of my troubles: How can I have a relationship with a God that I cannot see if I have no relationships to any of the neighbors that I can see? I have to have a relationship with God, but I am incapable of relationships in general. Thanks for al of the replies so far, they have been comforting, but I still need answers.

You are absolutely right, this is near impossible. However you may be surprised on how capable you are at relationships when you meet the right person. My advice would be to seek the help of any Saints you feel particularly close to.

And finally, don’t change a thing about yourself. Your words are beautiful as I am sure you are too.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Redbetta, from reading your posts, I am inclined to think that you are suffering from some sort of chemical imbalance, which is leading to clinical depression. Can you ask your parents about seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist? There is no shame in it. I have also been an “academic tiger” since late grade school, and while it is paying off now, being really driven can also make you more prone to anxiety/depression. I currently see a doctor to discuss my anxiety and stress issues. I find it to be very helpful, and I pretty much tell anyone who asks. No shame in saying that you need a little help.

One thing I would caution you against is seeing the world in a “me vs. them” view. It will only make you feel more isolated. Instead of thinking of all of the ways that you are different from the other girls in your class, think of how you are similar. It sounds to me like you’re judgmental toward your classmates and teachers because you don’t think that they are good enough Catholics. You will have to understand that not everyone sees religion the same way that you do and that not everyone has the same beliefs. You won’t gain anything by isolating yourself. Try to adopt a different attitude at school. Be pleasant toward the other girls and try to focus on your similar interests.

I think there is still hope that your senior year can be better. Could you try to join some clubs like yearbook or newspaper (it also looks really good on your college app)? Try to go to an activity and focus only on the task at hand. If you’re working on the school paper, focus on the school paper and don’t bring politics into it or let yourself think about how the editor isn’t Catholic enough.

College could be a lot better, depending on where you go and how you present yourself. If you really have no friends in your entire class, then ask yourself why the other girls might not want to be around you. Is it just because you’re very Catholic or because you are negative and judgmental? It’s not pleasant to be around unpleasant people. I think that this is a problem that you need to address now, so that you can have a better college experience, and quite frankly, a better life. You have to learn how to accept and get along with people who don’t see things the way that you do. For example, I am actually pretty liberal, but here I am taking the time to try to talk to and help someone who likely has very different personal views than I do.

You say that the others at your youth group only want to talk about comics and current issues…well that seems like normal talk for people in their late teens. Rather than getting upset that they’re not as religious as you, why don’t you try to talk about their interests for a little bit? A big tip is that people love to talk about themselves. If some people in your group are talking about a movie that they just saw, you could say something like, “I haven’t gotten to see that yet, but I hear it’s really good. What did you like about it? I only have time to see one movie this weekend, so would you recommend X or Y?” Make others feel like you really value their opinion. And I mean…try to actually care about what they’re saying. Being able to relate to others around you is a very valuable tool. You can get a 4.0 at Harvard, but if you can’t relate well to others, then you’re still going to struggle in the real world.

As for discerning a religious vocation, I would caution you against using religion as an escape from your current reality. If you were currently very happy and talking about how you think that religious life might be the perfect fit for you, then I think a lot of people here would be urging you to explore it more.

Right now, I think you need to focus on your mental health and your ability to make friends. Other people might disagree with me on this, and it is a tough situation, but if constantly defending Catholicism and your beliefs is making you an outcast at school, could you possibly cool it a little bit? I’m one to stand up for my beliefs, but at a certain point, you have to see when you’re causing harm to yourself. You need to find a way to join your peers.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I am just sick of the loneliness, sick of crying at night for another person to care about me, to listen to what I have to say and understand. And I keep getting the feeling that life will not improve after college because it seems to me that adult life is only more miserable and mundane. I do not feel motivated to research colleges or careers because it all looks the same and, whatever choice I pick, I will still probably be alone he rest of my life whether or not I have a good job.

I need help in my despair and sorry if I am annoying anyone by asking for too much personal help on here. I just have no where else to turn.

You need to tell a doctor how you are feeling. Medication can help to get the chemicals in your brain straightened out. Depression is a sickness, and it is possible to treat it in this day and age. Does anyone at school or at home know that you feel this way? Right now you need to tell yourself that the first order of business should be to get to a doctor and talk about how hopeless, sad, and isolated you feel.

 

[laircy]

Redbetta. I’ve read your threads and have been wanting to talk to you, since there have been many times that I have felt in a similar situation to yours. It would be really nice to become friends, if that would in any way help with your loneliness. I used to be the same-- unsympathetic family, unorthodox school, no friends to share my faith with. But I’ve found a few friends, and we chat on Skype. I’d love to add you to our group, so please message me if you are interested.