The Long Goodbye

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esieffe

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My Mother has been suffering with Parkinson’s for quite a while. Out of the blue she sent me a no occasion gift, so I called to thank her. It has not been that long since we talked, seven to ten days, but today she was noticeably different. Conversations are hard for her on a good day, but today it was very difficult for her. She just went silent several times during the call. She beat breast cancer twice, but she won’t beat this.

I talked to my Dad before hanging up and asked if she was just having a particularly rough day. He simply said no, that she was getting worse. Up to now with a few exceptions it was fairly steady. Steady enough to where you can comfortably slide into denial now and again.

She must know on some level that she is getting closer, hence the gift. It is just breaking my heart right now. We have always been close, I remember those nights she sat by my bed all night when I was five or six with the crupe as they used to call it. Back in the 60s childhood illness was still serious.

It is impossible for me to know if the long goodbye is a mercy or if it would have been better to have gone quickly. I guess there are graces in both ways. It is just so hard to watch someone you love so much die.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and hopes, if it will help you, me, or someone else in the same situation, or even if you can recommend a good book on going through this.

Though this is not a prayer thread, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as well.
Thank you.

-e
 
Do you have anyone who is helping your family though this? When my mom entered hospice due to ALS there was a team assisting us with home care, living will, and how to deal with those important final conversations. It was unfortunate that the local hospice was in-between social workers because I wasn’t given a guidebook to help with what to talk about until it was almost too late. A book that was recommended to my mom early on was Midwife for Souls ← amazon.com link. The little book hospice gave me was simple but very helpful. I see some good brochures at different parishes I visit that discuss death, dying and grief.

PM if you like.:console:
 
I lost my mom to heart disease a couple years ago and it took months for her to go. My only consolation was her mind didn’t go until just a couple days before the end. It was very hard. I’m still not over it. I don’t know if I will ever be over it.

My mother-in-law died a few weeks back. Unfortunately she had Alzheimer’s and before she finally went she had pretty much gotten to the point of not recognizing her own children and acted much like a child herself. I felt very bad for my husband as he was close to his mom and he also had seen the same thing happen to his beloved grandma (his mother’s mother), who also had Alzheimer’s, when he was a young child. I know my husband loved both his grandma and his mother very much but he is the type of man who doesn’t talk about his sadness.

A bunch of my friends have lost parents in the last few months too.

There is nothing I can say to you to make this easy. It’s not going to be easy. Just hold the Lord’s hand when it gets hard. If you love Mary, hold her hand too. I will pray for you and your mom and your family. These situations are where the rubber meets the road when it comes to our faith…much of the rest of the yakity yak on here is very minor in comparison to watching your most loved ones take this big step. Peace be with you.
 
Hi esieffe,

I’m really sorry to hear about this for your beloved Mom and family. 😦

You have all of the support that I can give to you.

I have been a care-giver to everyone in my family, over time. I helped one of my family members who had Alzheimer’s disease, and then I watched another beloved family member struggle with it, too.

It is really difficult, watching family members or senior friends, struggle with any type of health issue. Because we love them, we wish that we could take their pain and discomfort away for them. That’s how I feel. :o
 
I know what you’re going through. I watch the effects of diabetes/heart disease slowly & agonizingly take my Mother’s life. They seem to know when the end is near. Try to keep in touch daily by phone. She may not be able to answer you, but she will recognize your voice. This will be a comfort to her. Praying for your family.
 
My prayers are with you.

I have a 94 year old grandmother with slowly progressing dementia. She always had a great memory even into her older age. She had a small stroke when she was 90 and that’s when the dementia slowly began. It started with mild moments of confusion that she would snap in and out of, then to stories about people in her room. She began confusing names and began talking about her mother and her home that she grew up in, the fact that “Pa just got back from the service and he hasn’t bothered to see me!”. She’s still talkative now and for the most part in a good mood but she will only sporadically know who I am or who my mother is. Sometimes she is agitated and thinks we are strangers in her room. It’s so hard. I want to visit her longer but she doesn’t really comprehend who I am and we can’t talk like we used to. Visits are usually 20-30 minutes then she gets tired. Its almost like your losing someone and feeling the loss even though they are still physically there. I want to see her to know shes OK but the anxiety of not knowing what kind of mental state shes in is rough. I almost wish she could snap back into coherence for just 15 minutes so I could just tell her how much she means to me and that I love her and the impact shes made on my life. I pray each day that somehow she knows. There are resources for these things. A good counselor (sometimes it takes meeting a few) helps, it does for me. There is also a site called AgingCare where there are articles and a discussion forum to talk to others going through the same issues you are.
 
My mother was in a nursing home where she never wanted to be but none of the family could take care of her 24/7 with her emergency colostomy bag. She got used to the nursing home and developed the beginnings of dementia and it was hard watching her deteriorate. However, I was so glad that I could visit her every day for two years. She couldn’t start conversations but she could sing hymns and laugh at family stories… It is still comforting that I could be with her so much. Memories no one can take away! And I still miss her every day! I’ll be praying for you and your mom…and your family!
 
esieffe said:
My Mother has been suffering with Parkinson’s for quite a while. Out of the blue she sent me a no occasion gift, so I called to thank her. It has not been that long since we talked, seven to ten days, but today she was noticeably different. Conversations are hard for her on a good day, but today it was very difficult for her. She just went silent several times during the call. She beat breast cancer twice, but she won’t beat this.

I talked to my Dad before hanging up and asked if she was just having a particularly rough day. He simply said no, that she was getting worse. Up to now with a few exceptions it was fairly steady. Steady enough to where you can comfortably slide into denial now and again.

She must know on some level that she is getting closer, hence the gift. It is just breaking my heart right now. We have always been close, I remember those nights she sat by my bed all night when I was five or six with the crupe as they used to call it. Back in the 60s childhood illness was still serious.

It is impossible for me to know if the long goodbye is a mercy or if it would have been better to have gone quickly. I guess there are graces in both ways. It is just so hard to watch someone you love so much die.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and hopes, if it will help you, me, or someone else in the same situation, or even if you can recommend a good book on going through this.

Though this is not a prayer thread, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as well.
Thank you.

-e
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The one advantage to death coming slowly is that it gives time to have the Anointing of Sick, like was the case with my father. He got that sacrament before he died. I had a friend who died of a heart attack, suddenly and without warning. I don’t think they had time for the last sacrament.
 
esieffe, You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
I lost my Mum seven months ago to Alzheimer’s disease.
It was diagnosed only months before she left us for Home. :heaven:

All I wanted to suggest is that you use this time to pray for her soul now.
Then when she arrives in her eternal home, she will be pleasantly surprised
to find all of the “Out of the blue, no occasion gifts” that you have prepared for her.
All sitting there waiting for her to open and joyfully relive all the times she nursed her
darling child back to health, or kissed his skinned knee better, or tucked him in at night
and hearing your, “I love you Mom” echoing on into eternity.

And whilst reliving all this, through the grace of your prayerful gifts
she will find her heavenly rewards overflowing from those very prayers
and they will continue to keep her warm and in total comfort.

:tiphat:
 
I am so utterly sorry to read of the situation you are in.

It is now nineteen month since my own mother passed. I was her main carer for the last ten years of her life.

I have news for you – you don’t get over it. I am completely changed these last nineteen months. Sadder, quieter, feeling totally alone in the world in a way that I could never have previously imagined.

I will remember you in my Rosary later today.
It is really difficult, watching family members or senior friends, struggle with any type of health issue. Because we love them, we wish that we could take their pain and discomfort away for them. That’s how I feel.
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Such an accurate description of how we feel
There is nothing I can say to you to make this easy. It’s not going to be easy. Just hold the Lord’s hand when it gets hard. If you love Mary, hold her hand too. I will pray for you and your mom and your family. These situations are where the rubber meets the road when it comes to our faith…much of the rest of the yakity yak on here is very minor in comparison to watching your most loved ones take this big step.
Click to expand...
Absolutely spot-on.
 
esieffe said:
My Mother has been suffering with Parkinson’s for quite a while. Out of the blue she sent me a no occasion gift, so I called to thank her. It has not been that long since we talked, seven to ten days, but today she was noticeably different. Conversations are hard for her on a good day, but today it was very difficult for her. She just went silent several times during the call. She beat breast cancer twice, but she won’t beat this.

I talked to my Dad before hanging up and asked if she was just having a particularly rough day. He simply said no, that she was getting worse. Up to now with a few exceptions it was fairly steady. Steady enough to where you can comfortably slide into denial now and again.

She must know on some level that she is getting closer, hence the gift. It is just breaking my heart right now. We have always been close, I remember those nights she sat by my bed all night when I was five or six with the crupe as they used to call it. Back in the 60s childhood illness was still serious.

It is impossible for me to know if the long goodbye is a mercy or if it would have been better to have gone quickly. I guess there are graces in both ways. It is just so hard to watch someone you love so much die.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and hopes, if it will help you, me, or someone else in the same situation, or even if you can recommend a good book on going through this.

Though this is not a prayer thread, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as well.
Thank you.

-e
Click to expand...
Our Good Lord decides when an individual should die.

I remember when my husband was in the last stages of prostate cancer…it was all over his body.
In the last few days of his life he had home hospice, it was wonderful.

I was very aware that the Lord and he were having a silent dialogue with one another. He died happily during the night, my daughter who is a nurse was with me and we heard his last breaths.

The evening prior to his death, at the suggestion of our oldest son, we gathered around his hospice bed for prayer and for mentioning happy memories with him. We played a CD with “On Eagles Wings” which was his favorite song at church – which he first started attending when finding out about the prostate cancer six years prior to his death.

I am sure it is different for everyone. Pray and trust the Lord!

Peace!

I pray that all goes according to the Lord’s plan.

Dorothy
 
Tis_Bearself said:
I lost my mom to heart disease a couple years ago and it took months for her to go. My only consolation was her mind didn’t go until just a couple days before the end. It was very hard. I’m still not over it. I don’t know if I will ever be over it.

My mother-in-law died a few weeks back. Unfortunately she had Alzheimer’s and before she finally went she had pretty much gotten to the point of not recognizing her own children and acted much like a child herself. I felt very bad for my husband as he was close to his mom and he also had seen the same thing happen to his beloved grandma (his mother’s mother), who also had Alzheimer’s, when he was a young child. I know my husband loved both his grandma and his mother very much but he is the type of man who doesn’t talk about his sadness.

A bunch of my friends have lost parents in the last few months too.

There is nothing I can say to you to make this easy. It’s not going to be easy. Just hold the Lord’s hand when it gets hard. If you love Mary, hold her hand too. I will pray for you and your mom and your family. These situations are where the rubber meets the road when it comes to our faith…much of the rest of the yakity yak on here is very minor in comparison to watching your most loved ones take this big step. Peace be with you.
Click to expand...
Thank you. I appreciate your sharing that. I am also saddened to hear of your husband’s mom and grandmother.
 
Dorothy said:
Our Good Lord decides when an individual should die.

I remember when my husband was in the last stages of prostate cancer…it was all over his body.
In the last few days of his life he had home hospice, it was wonderful.

I was very aware that the Lord and he were having a silent dialogue with one another. He died happily during the night, my daughter who is a nurse was with me and we heard his last breaths.

The evening prior to his death, at the suggestion of our oldest son, we gathered around his hospice bed for prayer and for mentioning happy memories with him. We played a CD with “On Eagles Wings” which was his favorite song at church – which he first started attending when finding out about the prostate cancer six years prior to his death.

I am sure it is different for everyone. Pray and trust the Lord!

Peace!

I pray that all goes according to the Lord’s plan.

Dorothy
Click to expand...
Thanks Dorothy, I’m sorry to hear of your husband, but glad he was able to find the church at the onset of his fight with cancer. Mom only goes out of the house as she has been blind the past few years, about 90%. Dad never goes to church, even though he is a retired Episcopal priest. He takes really good care of her though.
 
esieffe said:
My Mother has been suffering with Parkinson’s for quite a while. Out of the blue she sent me a no occasion gift, so I called to thank her. It has not been that long since we talked, seven to ten days, but today she was noticeably different. Conversations are hard for her on a good day, but today it was very difficult for her. She just went silent several times during the call. She beat breast cancer twice, but she won’t beat this.

I talked to my Dad before hanging up and asked if she was just having a particularly rough day. He simply said no, that she was getting worse. Up to now with a few exceptions it was fairly steady. Steady enough to where you can comfortably slide into denial now and again.

She must know on some level that she is getting closer, hence the gift. It is just breaking my heart right now. We have always been close, I remember those nights she sat by my bed all night when I was five or six with the crupe as they used to call it. Back in the 60s childhood illness was still serious.

It is impossible for me to know if the long goodbye is a mercy or if it would have been better to have gone quickly. I guess there are graces in both ways. It is just so hard to watch someone you love so much die.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and hopes, if it will help you, me, or someone else in the same situation, or even if you can recommend a good book on going through this.

Though this is not a prayer thread, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as well.
Thank you.

-e
Click to expand...
E- all my prayers and thoughts. We watched my step-father go thru the long good-bye with not only Parkinson’s, but Alzheimer’s as well.

I want to pass on to you something someone said to me. They told me that when my step-father finally passed on, I would feel a tremendous amount of relief. And that with that relief, I may feel guilty because I felt relief.

Don’t. The relief you will feel, take it as their final gift of love to you. It’s ok to feel relief.

That helped. A lot.
 
Purgatory_Pete said:
esieffe, You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
I lost my Mum seven months ago to Alzheimer’s disease.
It was diagnosed only months before she left us for Home. :heaven:

All I wanted to suggest is that you use this time to pray for her soul now.
Then when she arrives in her eternal home, she will be pleasantly surprised
to find all of the “Out of the blue, no occasion gifts” that you have prepared for her.
All sitting there waiting for her to open and joyfully relive all the times she nursed her
darling child back to health, or kissed his skinned knee better, or tucked him in at night
and hearing your, “I love you Mom” echoing on into eternity.

And whilst reliving all this, through the grace of your prayerful gifts
she will find her heavenly rewards overflowing from those very prayers
and they will continue to keep her warm and in total comfort.

:tiphat:
Click to expand...
Thanks so much Pete. I bought a membership for her at the Marion Helpers, one of those places that prays Masses for people. I do intend to pile up more of those spiritual gifts for her.
 
petra22 said:
My mother was in a nursing home where she never wanted to be but none of the family could take care of her 24/7 with her emergency colostomy bag. She got used to the nursing home and developed the beginnings of dementia and it was hard watching her deteriorate. However, I was so glad that I could visit her every day for two years. She couldn’t start conversations but she could sing hymns and laugh at family stories… It is still comforting that I could be with her so much. Memories no one can take away! And I still miss her every day! I’ll be praying for you and your mom…and your family!
Click to expand...
Thank you so much, I appreciate your prayers.
 
Bruised_Reed said:
Do you have anyone who is helping your family though this? When my mom entered hospice due to ALS there was a team assisting us with home care, living will, and how to deal with those important final conversations. It was unfortunate that the local hospice was in-between social workers because I wasn’t given a guidebook to help with what to talk about until it was almost too late. A book that was recommended to my mom early on was Midwife for Souls ← amazon.com link. The little book hospice gave me was simple but very helpful. I see some good brochures at different parishes I visit that discuss death, dying and grief.

PM if you like.:console:
Click to expand...
Your very kind, I appreciate that
 
esieffe said:
My Mother has been suffering with Parkinson’s for quite a while. Out of the blue she sent me a no occasion gift, so I called to thank her. It has not been that long since we talked, seven to ten days, but today she was noticeably different. Conversations are hard for her on a good day, but today it was very difficult for her. She just went silent several times during the call. She beat breast cancer twice, but she won’t beat this.

I talked to my Dad before hanging up and asked if she was just having a particularly rough day. He simply said no, that she was getting worse. Up to now with a few exceptions it was fairly steady. Steady enough to where you can comfortably slide into denial now and again.

She must know on some level that she is getting closer, hence the gift. It is just breaking my heart right now. We have always been close, I remember those nights she sat by my bed all night when I was five or six with the crupe as they used to call it. Back in the 60s childhood illness was still serious.

It is impossible for me to know if the long goodbye is a mercy or if it would have been better to have gone quickly. I guess there are graces in both ways. It is just so hard to watch someone you love so much die.

Please consider sharing your thoughts, experiences, and hopes, if it will help you, me, or someone else in the same situation, or even if you can recommend a good book on going through this.

Though this is not a prayer thread, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as well.
Thank you.

-e
Click to expand...
Yeah…it’s hard to know if it’s better to have it long and drawn out, but know it’s coming, or to have it over with quickly.
Personally I always think that for myself, I’d prefer to die of cancer than a stroke, or a car accident. That way I’d be able to get all my stuff in order (material and spiritual) and also say goodbye to my family. But that’s in God’s hands.

My grandfather had a long battle with cancer, which he finally lost in March last year. He was first diagnosed in 2011. We were very close…he was basically like a second father to me. As you say above there were some times when you could think that he’d beat it completely and live another 15 years. But realistically I think it became clearer as time went on that that would be his final illness.

I had the blessing to be able to look after him in the final week of his life. Halfway through the week he began to make comments like “thank you so much for everything Adam”. That was what really broke my heart because he had done so much for me in my life and I just thought “how is this even close to being payback to what you’ve done for me.”

It’s very difficult to see a person close to you go through a long illness. But I think the dignity with which my grandfather faced his death and his faith made me stronger in my faith too.

You and your family will be in my prayers.
 
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