The misery I put myself through

[Epistemes]

I’ll sincerely regret typing any of this, mostly because I have an irrational fear that the mask of “Epistemes” will be forever stigmatized by the sheer lack of episteme (knowledge) that I approach my own faith and spirituality with - I’m like a small child parading around in daddy’s boots, and after awhile, the boots end up in my shoe closet. Aside from prayer, aside from pouring my heart to Mary in every way I’ve known how, there’s really nowhere else to turn right now. My mind is absolutely riddled with the bullet holes of lust, insatiability, emptiness, confusion, helplessness, and sin. And yet, as I reflect on what it is that ails me, it’s all but impossible for me to avoid the realization that I’m being melodramatic, conceited, and…well, stupid.

To summarize everything I feel and all that has transpired to make me feel such a way would do a grave injustice to myself and to what it is that causes these perturbations. Nothing is ever so annunciated as words make them out to be; nothing ever quite so definite or certain. But what’s the point in my being melodramatic if I won’t at least spill the proverbial beans?

You see, nearly 20 days ago, I began the total consecration to Mary of St. Louis Marie de Montfort. This total consecration has been a blessing to my spiritual life because it has allowed me opportunities to reexamine how a virtuous life should be lived; and though I sometimes feel as if I’m drastically failing at what it is to totally consecrate one’s self to Jesus through Mary, the past 20 days have afforded me numerous riches of the soul.

And in addition to the total consecration, I began a strong devotion to St. Faustina and the Divine Mercy: I began reading her diary in my freetime, praying the chaplet on a regular basis, and praying that God would allow me the opportunity to bring Divine Mercy Sunday to my parish.

Things were good until this past Thursday evening, the evening after I spent 3 hours, at least, at Adoration being filled with the Spirit, being comforted by Jesus and Mary, and being awakened to how many graces I’ve been given. Beginning Thursday evening all of that was wrecked by my senseless “vacation,” a vacation not only from the office but seemingly also from Jesus and Mary. While I did not commit any mortal sins, practicing the Marian virtues as contained in the total consecration were far from my heart as I graciously poured wine (without drunkenness, mind you), ate way too much, and neglected many of my prayers, readings, etc. This same attitude persisted throughout Friday and Saturday, except my self-penance Friday was to recite all 20 mysteries of the rosary, which I performed successfully.

Since Lent, lust has overpowered my senses. Not so much the lust of sexual temptation, but the strong desire I feel for “things” as a result of being unsatisfied with what God has already given me. My passion for music has caused me to steadily deplete my paycheck for this week, even though I’ve been lucky enough to pay charity, etc. The ridiculous thing is, though, that my “passion for music” seems to consist more in the hoarding and less in the listening and enjoyment. It’s, more or less, as if I’m trying to impress somebody, perhaps myself, at my smart, academic collection of modern music.

<>

 

[Epistemes]

However, it’s not just the lust of CDs which has overpowered my soul since Thursday, but also my thirst for knowledge - and, to be even more honest with myself and you, my thirst for integrity through knowledge. I’m a very insecure person, a fact I’ve dealt with for at least 13 years of my life, knowingly, and one which I’m just now beginning to correct. My integrity through knowledge is one thing I’ve always tried to take pride in - but it’s also the one thing which has caused me the most misery, especially due to SAT, GRE, and GMAT test results, plus the realization that no matter how intelligent I ever get there will always be someone more intelligent, etc. - and so, instead of proving a source of pride, my utter lack of knowledge actually overwhelms me with self-defeat, at times. It’s at this point that I say to myself, “We’ll fix that, then, and we’ll read more!” but my daily schedule is so tight, between 7.5 hours at the office, tending to my personal needs, the needs of my family (parents), and dedicating time to Jesus and Mary in prayer and the reading of Scripture, any true freetime I have for reading are very limited - and I only stress myself out when *I desire nothing else *than to read but realize through the obligation of my duties that I don’t have time for it.

For instance, right now, I’ve come four books being mailed to me from amazon.com, and I don’t know why. No, I take that back: I know why, but ordering those books was more an act of desperation, conceit, and irrationality than anything else. They’re good books, too, such as Ratzinger’s Introduction to Christianity, Frank Sheed’s Theology and Sanity, the major works by St. Anselm, and some philosophical works by Aquinas: but owning these books, even now as they are being mailed to me, puts a great deal of unimaginable stress on me, if for no other reason than I would love nothing else than to dedicate myself to these books…but when?? I feel that last sentence could be reconstructed to express the truth behind why I feel so stressed: ‘I would love nothing else than to attain knowledge, and to attain the integrity of that knowledge through intellectual conversation, and the sooner the better!!!’

I’m discerning the priesthood. Of course, I’ve got years before I can completely discern the priesthood, according to Canon Law. Reading books like this would be beneficial, especially when I head off to seminary: at least, at orientation, I wouldn’t be a dunce, only being able to talk about the Diary of St. Faustina and visions which aren’t even dogma nor articles of faith. The truth is, though, that I was happier before this past Thursday ever occurred. I don’t know if it had anything to do with my reading of the Diary, or whether reading the Diary inspired some truly spiritual side in me which allowed me the chance to grow closer to Jesus and Mary, or maybe it had nothing to do with the Diary at all: maybe it’s all about my attitude, period. Whatever it is, it’s been lost - and I can’t help but realize how I’m truly failing at this total consecration to Mary. My motto below (“Tibi Omnia Dare”) means “Giving all to you,” but these past few days I’ve done anything but given all to Jesus through Mary. I’ve hoarded for myself a wonderful nest of CDs, books, inadvertent sin, and feelings of hopelessness, confusion, and misdirection with barely a thought of Jesus or Mary.

I’ve confessed some of this to my priest, and I’m serving part of my penance this week, but it’s not helping…to be honest. Instead, it’s only exacerbating the feelings I’ve described above.

Those books will arrive Wednesday or Thursday, and I’m seriously considering returning just so I won’t have to acknowledge their existence in my home, and I’m considering returning to the Diary of St. Faustina, even if it means that my knowledge and abilities at theology are extremely weak, for a future priest. It’s an endless and vicious cycle which I cannot find myself out of - because I continually lay new traps everywhere I think.

Like I told you at the beginning: it’s completely irrational.

 

[blessedtoo]

Holy cannoli, dear friend! I’ve got a splitting headache from reading your post! Sounds like the cacohpony in my head as I attempt sleep each night. I myself have ordered 4 books from Amazon in the last 2 weeks and they are not all theology books either! One is actually a book on the politics of the media! At least your tomes have Jesus and Mary as their subjects.

Friend, you need to relax. I honestly couldn’t see a hint of sin in your reportage of the last few days. I detect a bit of scupulosity. Has this ever been suggested to you? The pursuit of knowledge is a grand endeavor, assuming you are not allowing your intellect to tie you up in spiritual knots. Remember, we are to be “like little children” in our approach to Christ. While it is important to examine our motives, we are not obliged to micro-analyze every move we make in our daily lives. Making purchases that enrich our minds are positive actions. If you are spending your rent money or car payment on these items, that is a different story. When I first returned to the Church after several decades, I bought dozens of books intending to read them all within a few months. I am still reading them, years later. You have plenty of time to pursue your reading and studying. There is no clock alarm except the one you keep setting.

As for the music purchases, I can testify that there a very few moments in my life when I feel closer to God than when I am listening to a Beethoven symphony or a Mozart Concerto. So if music makes your heart soar, then you are pointed in the right direction. Everything can be a prayer.

 

[kitkatty]

Relax, you are not perfect, you fell down in your spiritual disciplines, we all do. You haven1t committed any serious sin, take it easy on yourself. You will get back in the groove, ups and downs are part of our human condition. It doesn`t sound to me as if you have abandon our Lord at all.

 

[tkdnick]

Hey Epistemes,
I agree with the others that you need to give yourself a break. No one is perfect. And I must say your spiritual exercises & life are very commendable. Much more that what most people do. Congrats on that. I have heard from several very holy men that the total consecration to Mary is a very difficult (but rewarding) thing to go through. It is possible that you are experiencing all of these struggles while doing this consecration as a form a spiritual combat. Perhaps there are those who don’t want to allow you to become consecrated and so they are fighting. Keep praying and keep asking God & Mary for their help.

 

[blessedstar]

I think the point you need to recognise is that whether you buy these CD’s and books or not will not make you perfect in either case. Not having the books will not add to your perfection.

You live in the world and whatever you possess is to be for good use, this does not mean not possessing some items that you like to have such as books on your faith and CD music that you like to listen to and unwind to. The books on your faith edify you and help you to develop spiritually, it is good to have spiritual reading. It is equally good to read a fiction book that expands your imagination and vocabulary and that you find enjoyable to read afterall God gave those authors the talent to write and you should thank God for that.

God clearly intends us to enjoy His creation and everything in it, what God does not intend is that we put all of these things before loving and serving Him and each other. You clearly do not have an imbalance; you love God and think of Him first and you love other people.

I think that you are getting things out of balance a little in the way you deal with the world and worldly goods and this may lead to you getting on the wrong side of scrupulous. It is not possible this side of the veil to be pure spirit, we live in the physical and the spirit; and the spirit is to order and have proper use of all that is physical.

It is better to concern onself with how we treat others and make this our benchmark for how we are loving God than worrying if we have bought one book or CD too many. You might like to share with others your books and CD’s, let your friends and family borrow them and when you have done with a book give it away to a charity shop. This is a good and proper use. We are not to be greedy nor are we to be selfish in what we possess.

The Consecrated Religious even though they do not personally possess any items have within their houses items and they are all shared within the Community for the good of all the Community. They can say with assurity ‘I do not even possess a pencil’, but the Community does possess a pencil!

You really shouldn’t worry as you do, Jesus fully intended for there to be books and music, He gave people the talent for this. Jesus fully intended for people to dance and enjoy themselves. We are not puritans, we are the joyous and thankful Easter people. Thank God for everything and don’t worry about enjoying yourself too much either because God blesses everyone with the cross. Your portion of suffering will come so you needn’t concern yourself with causing yourself any suffering. Our beloved friend, Suffering, has a portion for every man and no man is spared the cross.

Enjoy your life, God gave it all to you so thank Him, but remember those less fortunate than you and give some share to them.

Continue on the way of perfection always striving for perfection but realise that you will have to live with your ‘self’ and your ‘self’ will not be perfected until you meet Jesus. Still its the striving that matters and perfection of the self should not be put above being fully active in the world around you and loving God and others, as one Saint said ‘Less perfection, more unity’!

We are all saints and sinners at the same time, yes even the beatified were sinners at the same time as being a Saint.

In my prayer of life.