The motherstorm has landed again

[DarkLight]

This is admittedly more of a frustrated rant than anything else:

My relationship with my mother hasn’t been the best to begin with. She also seems stubbornly unaware of this fact, or at least of her behavior in it - to the point of suggesting, in one case, that I should talk to a therapist about why her criticism bothers me so much that I asked her to stop.

Well I had some other stuff come up that necessitated me working over Christmas break. This means I’m not going to have a chance to come home over Christmas, much as I had wanted to. I just called and told my parents

I was under the impression that they were going to call me before buying tickets for me to fly home. They hadn’t. They thought I’d given permission to do that. Ok, it happens. But I’m still not coming home - sorry, but finishing my degree IS worth a couple of hundred dollars, and I can’t afford to lose more time.

The trouble isn’t the mixup. The trouble is my mother is, of course, furious. My reasons that I gave (people around, shifting schedules, unfamiliar location, no library) for not being able to just do my work at home are “nonsense.” I’m just changing my mind randomly and I need to make decisions and stick with them. And I’m obviously lying about thinking they were going to contact me first.

They said they’d think about it and call me back. I’m not quite sure what they’re thinking about. I’m just sitting here knowing the phone’s going to ring and I’m going to get blasted for my decision. And I’m not sure how to respond to someone who thinks my every reason is nonsense and expects that I will justify myself to her satisfaction. Especially when many of the real answers can’t be said…

 

[holyrood]

I feel for you.

I’ve told my family as straightforward, calmly, matter of factly as I can that the yelling and criticisms aren’t acceptable. Same response. “Nonsense.” “You’re being too sensitive.” “You deserve it–you made her mad.” “But none of that ever happened.” And then they ask, “So why are you mad?”

The advice I got here and from a counselor was, there is simply no dealing with people like this. They believe what they believe, they’re right, end of story. You’re being difficult if you don’t agree with them. You probably know it’s impossible to justify yourself to her satisfaction, except to do as you’re told.

The only answer is distance, I’m sorry to say. Be pleasant and civil, and end phone calls with, “I’m sorry, I have to go,” when the criticisms start.

 

[Xantippe]

Depending on the kind of ticket, you can maybe reschedule for a later date with just a relatively small change fee.

You may not wish to do that, though.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m really tempted to point out that this sort of behavior - not believing me when I say I need to stay here to work - isn’t exactly inspiring confidence that I’ll be left alone to work there.

Of course, I can’t say that I can’t focus there because I’m waiting for what my mother’s going to get mad about this time.

I do feel bad about the ticket though.

 

[maryjk]

I understand that you have had and continue to have many problems with your Mom.

BUT…

If you just told them that you weren’t coming home, it is late notice.

Think about it.

You planned on them paying for your ticket, but only on your terms. Buying tickets less than 2 weeks before the date of travel, can be very expensive.

Heck even here on CAF you talked about going. There was never any real thought about not going. You even said.“I can survive her, certainly. I’m in academics, so I don’t have to be back to work until the 6th of January. I’m going to be back by the 28th. The impact is not pleasant, but between limiting the days I’m down there and having extra time off afterwards, it’s manageable. And I have drugs this time around!”

 

[DarkLight]

I know it is late notice. But the late notice is because of a situation outside my control - I was ill for a significant part of the time I was supposed to be working and need the time to make up. There was no way I could have forseen that. Like I said, I had things come up; it’s not that I just changed my mind, but that the circumstances I was in changed.

And I had been under the impression that they were going to contact me again prior to purchasing the ticket. I remember telling them to do so. I am sorry that they were not on the same page, but I had no way of knowing they were going to go ahead and purchase it. I wish I could repay them for that but it’s not particularly feasible; however I do need to do what it takes to stay on track to graduate, and given the new circumstances that requires staying over break.

I understand them being upset, but I’m not seeing how I’m all the bad things my mother is saying because of that. I didn’t exactly plan on getting sick, nor could I have known they didn’t understand what I asked. It’s unfortunate but I really was making my best effort; it’s not my fault here that it didn’t work.

 

[DarkLight]

And of course I just read the booking and noticed that the flight out is itself on a day I said I was unavailable, and for 7 days not counting the flight days when I said my absolute maximum was 5.

 

[agnes_therese]

Well, there you go. I know what you’re going through, my mother was like that. The hardest part will be to stay calm – it will upset you, but try not to let her see that. When she calls again, just remind her “Mom, I asked you to call me before booking the ticket, AND I told you five days max, this is for seven.”
And then say you have to go. Because you do.

 

[HouseArrest]

What do you mean by “I have to work”? Does that mean you are scheduled to work or does that mean you have work you have to get done? There is a big difference. I would be irritated, too, if I bought a plane ticket and the reason you couldn’t use it was because you “had work to catch up on”.

 

[Xantippe]

Look carefully at the fine print–there’s a chance that you can call up the airline and reschedule for a fee (probably something like $75). If they allow, you could use it for a later visit.

And yes, 2 weeks is short notice, but it is also prudent to check dates with someday before buying them a plane ticket or really doing anything with plane tickets. (We had some grandparents who bought tickets to see a grandbaby BEFORE checking the dates with us–that blew my mind.)

Try, “I’m sorry it isn’t going to work this Christmas, but I’ve got to finish this. As soon as I’m done, we can talk about figuring out my next visit. But I’ve got to focus on finishing my project.”

And obviously, you’re not having long conversations, because you’ve got to focus on finishing the project. “Love you mom!” Click.

 

[agnes_therese]

I would be irritated, too, if I bought a plane ticket and the reason you couldn’t use it was because you “had work to catch up on”.

Even if the person asked you to confirm with them BEFORE booking it, and you didn’t? And even if they had told you that if they came, it could be for 5 days max, and you went ahead and booked a 7-day trip instead?

Sorry, but in my book, that would be on you.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Look carefully at the fine print–there’s a chance that you can call up the airline and reschedule for a fee (probably something like $75). If they allow, you could use it for a later visit.

And yes, 2 weeks is short notice, but it is also prudent to check dates with someday before buying them a plane ticket or really doing anything with plane tickets. (We had some grandparents who bought tickets to see a grandbaby BEFORE checking the dates with us–that blew my mind.)

Try, “I’m sorry it isn’t going to work this Christmas, but I’ve got to finish this. As soon as I’m done, we can talk about figuring out my next visit. But I’ve got to focus on finishing my project.”

And obviously, you’re not having long conversations, because you’ve got to focus on finishing the project. “Love you mom!” Click.

This. The ticket was bought in your name, so think about your schedule, figure out when you really CAN be there (spring break?) and call to change the flight yourself to dates that you can make. When you change the ticket, you can change the length.

If you can’t figure out now when you will be able to travel, ask the airline if you can hold on to a credit for later travel. If that’s not possible (or you don’t want to book later travel), find out what the cancellation fee is. If at all possible, as a gesture of good will, offer to split the fee with your parents.

Yes, your parents are unreasonable. Don’t contribute to that. Be very clear in your own mind about your plans before you tell them anything. When you need to change things, use the most specific language you can. - My advisor is available on X date to work on the project. You don’t need to give them tons of details though. Although being ill and needing to catch up is legitemate, you know from past experience that saying that sounds like “an excuse” to them not a real reason.

Since you are so far away, you have more control over how the relationship goes. You can initiate calls when you are feeling good, and limit the length.“Hi parents, I wanted to call and wish you a Merry Christmas. As you know, I’m very busy and I wanted to make sure we’d have at least a few minutes to chat.” Set a timer, and at 10 minutes or so, say “I’ve got to run, love you!” And hang up. Then when they call at other times, feel free to not answer.

 

[HouseArrest]

Even if the person asked you to confirm with them BEFORE booking it, and you didn’t? And even if they had told you that if they came, it could be for 5 days max, and you went ahead and booked a 7-day trip instead?

Sorry, but in my book, that would be on you.

I agree those other issues are something to consider, but I am just referring to the “working”. It sounds like he doesn’t “have to work”, he just needs to get some work done. I don’t assume his work is easy or that he doesn’t have something to do, but we all have something we have to get done, all the time, don’t we? That, to me, would sound like an excuse.

 

[holyrood]

It sounds like he doesn’t “have to work”, he just needs to get some work done. I don’t assume his work is easy or that he doesn’t have something to do, but we all have something we have to get done, all the time, don’t we? That, to me, would sound like an excuse.

Being someone who works at home, I can say this is a common problem faced by those of us who do so. People treat our work as less than, as something we can just get to later and do around *their * schedule, and what they want from us.

No, if this is academics, this is WORK, just like any other work. There’s a deadline. It has to get done, and it sounds as if he knows from prior experience that it will not get done in his parents’ home. Even the fact that she scheduled the ticket for seven days instead of the five she was told screams very loudly, “We’ll do things my way.” It’s a safe bet him doing his work is not going to be ‘her way.’

 

[maryjk]

Being someone who works at home, I can say this is a common problem faced by those of us who do so. People treat our work as less than, as something we can just get to later and do around *their * schedule, and what they want from us.

No, if this is academics, this is WORK, just like any other work. There’s a deadline. It has to get done, and it sounds as if he knows from prior experience that it will not get done in his parents’ home. Even the fact that she scheduled the ticket for seven days instead of the five she was told screams very loudly, “We’ll do things my way.” It’s a safe bet him doing his work is not going to be ‘her way.’

I get what you are saying. My husband worked from home a while back. Before that he was in school. I’ve dealt with both.

But the problem here goes much deeper. DarkLight has had problems with her parents before. This isn’t the beginning nor the end of those problems.

Since she has had these problems and has dealt with her mother for years, I think she should have known that this would happen. I mean, this really isn’t a surprise.

If she has been sick for weeks, then she knew back in November that she would have to “make up” the work she has missed. But she waited until now to tell her parents. She waited until now to say, “I can’t come.” There was no reason to wait this long.

She is acting as this is a sudden decision. When in reality, it is only sudden for her parents.

 

[DarkLight]

I get what you are saying. My husband worked from home a while back. Before that he was in school. I’ve dealt with both.

But the problem here goes much deeper. DarkLight has had problems with her parents before. This isn’t the beginning nor the end of those problems.

Since she has had these problems and has dealt with her mother for years, I think she should have known that this would happen. I mean, this really isn’t a surprise.

If she has been sick for weeks, then she knew back in November that she would have to “make up” the work she has missed. But she waited until now to tell her parents. She waited until now to say, “I can’t come.” There was no reason to wait this long.

She is acting as this is a sudden decision. When in reality, it is only sudden for her parents.

Not necessarily. I initially thought I could make it up over the next few weekends. I was planning on delaying and explaining the situation when they contacted me - something I had thought was going to occur fairly quickly. I had no way of knowing they were going to go ahead and buy tickets!

 

[DarkLight]

The plan as I understood it was that they were going to get in touch with some other relatives, find out what everyone else was doing, and then get back to me to make final plans.

 

[maryjk]

Not necessarily. I initially thought I could make it up over the next few weekends. *I was planning on delaying *and explaining the situation when they contacted me - something I had thought was going to occur fairly quickly. I had no way of knowing they were going to go ahead and buy tickets!

Your mother is unreasonable. From what you have said, she has been unreasonable all of your life.

Why do you continually expect her to be reasonable?

You say you had no way of knowing. I think you did. In fact, when you say you planned on delaying, you admit that you knew you weren’t going, but were waiting for them to make the first move. Why would you do that? You know they expected you. You go every year. And you know that your mother will turn this against you.

Totally off topic question. Have you told them that you have converted?

 

[DarkLight]

Your mother is unreasonable. From what you have said, she has been unreasonable all of your life.

Why do you continually expect her to be reasonable?

You say you had no way of knowing. I think you did. In fact, when you say you planned on delaying, you admit that you knew you weren’t going, but were waiting for them to make the first move. Why would you do that? You know they expected you. You go every year. And you know that your mother will turn this against you.

That isn’t the sort of unreasonableness she’s prone to. She’s critical and can be manipulative, but she’s not prone to outright dishonesty. Admittedly she is prone to hearing what she wants to hear, which could easily be going on here. But I expect she and my father genuinely believed that I gave them permission to buy the tickets.

I expected unreasonable how dare you. I didn’t expect the tickets.

Totally off topic question. Have you told them that you have converted?

No.

 

[maryjk]

That isn’t the sort of unreasonableness she’s prone to. She’s critical and can be manipulative, but she’s not prone to outright dishonesty. Admittedly she is prone to hearing what she wants to hear, which could easily be going on here. But I expect she and my father genuinely believed that I gave them permission to buy the tickets.

I expected unreasonable how dare you. I didn’t expect the tickets.

Expected the tickets?

Heck, you are a grown up. You should be paying for the tickets. But that isn’t what I posted.

I posted that you should expect your mother to be unreasonable. That she is generally unreasonable. You know that she hears what she wants to hear. That she blames you when she messes up. So, why do you put yourself into these positions?

You admit that you delayed. That you were waiting for them to call you to tell them you weren’t coming. Why? Why not call them right away? Tell them as soon as you knew? Emailed them your expectations? That way there wouldn’t have been this issue. There could have been no misunderstanding. And they would have know as soon as possible, that you weren’t going.

No.

This answer tells me so much.