E
EasterJoy
Guest
In my experience, the thing to work on is to cultivate a serenity that can cope with the sure knowledge that someone you care about is extremely angry with you. When you learn to do this, you are going to feel as if you’ve learned to walk on water. The ability of others to manipulate you by relational aggression is going to drop off like you cannot believe.
The way it is done is to learn how to handle feelings of guilt, which are a good thing. The way to handle guilt is to ask yourself what you feel guilty about. Did you in fact do something wrong? If so, be willing to admit your wrong and make amends if at all possible. In this case, send your parents a check for the plane ticket and a note of apology for the mix-up. This is an important part of the method: You must always admit you are wrong, even when you are not the most wrong. Do not get into any competitions about who is the most to blame. If you are to blame, you do what you can to fix the situation and ask for forgiveness. No excuses! “I did X, that was wrong, I am sorry, here, let me make amends by doing Y. I hope you’ll forgive me.” If they are to blame, forgive them. Do not require them to make amends; this makes up for your own inevitable math errors, for wrongs you have no power to make amends for, and so on. When you lack the power to make amends, swallow the pill of humility that says, “Sometimes my best falls short of what is wanted. I am not all-powerful, I do make mistakes, sometimes they are big mistakes, and so I do not have the luxury of taking pride at being more than I am.” Generosity of heart is very much necessary, if you are going to let go of competing feelings of guilt and resentment. Let go of the guilt by making amends, let go of the resentment as a way to merit forgiveness yourself, and it frees you. Wow, does it free you. In no time you will feel sympathy for people who still get all worked up as your mother does.
When you have done what you can do, you let go. I didn’t really learn this until I had my children and then later when some relative used the silent treatment on me for about two years. Kids will of course get extremely angry with you, and yet they are strangely comforted when you do not freak out in return. You express regret that they’re as upset as they are, you point out that you are doing what you can and ask if you’ve missed anything, and then you say, “Well, I hope you get over it.” Likewise, when someone gives you the silent treatment, you have to let go or the stress will kill you. In both cases, you learn you do not have to let them rake you over the coals for failing to meet their expectations. You do not have to feel upset every time someone else gets upset with you. You pay attention, yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you get upset yourself. You decide what Heaven expects of you, and you do not let anyone else dictate your sense of right and wrong. (A friend of mine who worked at the post office told me this ability to detach from the emotional dramas generated by irate people is the only reason that postal clerks can endure their jobs at all!)
Again: Learning to detach from the emotional turmoil of others and their bids to draw you into their self-manufactured dramas is liberating. They don’t like it, especially at first (mostly because it is a rare person who realizes how much his or her own dramas are his or her own doing) but they have little choice but to get used to it. In the end, it keeps the outbursts of others from having huge and awful consequences, because it is far easier to forgive lapses when you can detach. If even just one person in a group stays calm, true crises are a lot easier to cope with, too.
I have relatives that naturally have this kind of temperament, the kind that takes to the Serenity Prayer naturally, and they are very nice people to be around. They are not uncaring. They just don’t feel a need to get all worked up every time that someone else is all worked up, even when the someone else is worked up at them. If you know someone like that, consider how much easier that kind of person can breathe! It takes awhile to learn to imitate them, but it is very much worth it.
The way it is done is to learn how to handle feelings of guilt, which are a good thing. The way to handle guilt is to ask yourself what you feel guilty about. Did you in fact do something wrong? If so, be willing to admit your wrong and make amends if at all possible. In this case, send your parents a check for the plane ticket and a note of apology for the mix-up. This is an important part of the method: You must always admit you are wrong, even when you are not the most wrong. Do not get into any competitions about who is the most to blame. If you are to blame, you do what you can to fix the situation and ask for forgiveness. No excuses! “I did X, that was wrong, I am sorry, here, let me make amends by doing Y. I hope you’ll forgive me.” If they are to blame, forgive them. Do not require them to make amends; this makes up for your own inevitable math errors, for wrongs you have no power to make amends for, and so on. When you lack the power to make amends, swallow the pill of humility that says, “Sometimes my best falls short of what is wanted. I am not all-powerful, I do make mistakes, sometimes they are big mistakes, and so I do not have the luxury of taking pride at being more than I am.” Generosity of heart is very much necessary, if you are going to let go of competing feelings of guilt and resentment. Let go of the guilt by making amends, let go of the resentment as a way to merit forgiveness yourself, and it frees you. Wow, does it free you. In no time you will feel sympathy for people who still get all worked up as your mother does.
When you have done what you can do, you let go. I didn’t really learn this until I had my children and then later when some relative used the silent treatment on me for about two years. Kids will of course get extremely angry with you, and yet they are strangely comforted when you do not freak out in return. You express regret that they’re as upset as they are, you point out that you are doing what you can and ask if you’ve missed anything, and then you say, “Well, I hope you get over it.” Likewise, when someone gives you the silent treatment, you have to let go or the stress will kill you. In both cases, you learn you do not have to let them rake you over the coals for failing to meet their expectations. You do not have to feel upset every time someone else gets upset with you. You pay attention, yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you get upset yourself. You decide what Heaven expects of you, and you do not let anyone else dictate your sense of right and wrong. (A friend of mine who worked at the post office told me this ability to detach from the emotional dramas generated by irate people is the only reason that postal clerks can endure their jobs at all!)
Again: Learning to detach from the emotional turmoil of others and their bids to draw you into their self-manufactured dramas is liberating. They don’t like it, especially at first (mostly because it is a rare person who realizes how much his or her own dramas are his or her own doing) but they have little choice but to get used to it. In the end, it keeps the outbursts of others from having huge and awful consequences, because it is far easier to forgive lapses when you can detach. If even just one person in a group stays calm, true crises are a lot easier to cope with, too.
I have relatives that naturally have this kind of temperament, the kind that takes to the Serenity Prayer naturally, and they are very nice people to be around. They are not uncaring. They just don’t feel a need to get all worked up every time that someone else is all worked up, even when the someone else is worked up at them. If you know someone like that, consider how much easier that kind of person can breathe! It takes awhile to learn to imitate them, but it is very much worth it.
Expected the tickets?
