The Perennial Breakup Post

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Hi everyone. Believe me, I am not trying to make light of my situation. I am truly looking for council and wisdom.

Some time back (about 4/5 months ago) I posted on here my conflict. I had started a relationship with a great woman. It turned sexual. Through a series of events it dawned on me that I should really … you know … be a Catholic. That’s when I posted on these forums about how best to approach committing to chastity. I was scared. It was as well received as a cat in a dog pound. To those who shared something to the effect of, you will be the bad guy…just end it and take your lumps, I think there was a lot of wisdom in that.

We stuck it out and I, cowardly, agreed to be celibate for periods of time. Which of course was a cop out. Be holy 9 days, indulge the loins on the 10th. Really bad on my part. As of this morning, I am single. It may have been the most protracted breakup I had. Although I believe I treated her well the end of the relationship saw me withdraw and, consequently, had her questioning herself. It was wrong of me. I couldn’t bare her doubting herself (her physicality, her looks according to her) and it was definitely on me. Kinda reminds of the commentary on Adam’s real sin being cowardice (though the consequences of my sin are not as effecting to everyone else of course). Cowardly to not tell her upfront at the beginning about celibacy, cowardly to not break it off sooner, cowardly to wait so long during the holiday times to end it. I really did try but I am doubting if part of me just sticking it out was cowardice, ya know?

I am nearly 40, single, and I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know where to find single, Catholic women (I have tried Catholic Match and met some nice ladies. However, nothing nearing courtship tbh). And if I meet a single, Catholic woman…will she want someone like me who has fallen in such a grievous manner? But more to the short term, I am sad and not sure how to heal. It has been about 14 years since a breakup from a serious relationship. God did a lot of work on me during that time. A lot. But it just seems like I caved in so fast to the flesh and still need a lot of work done on me. God have mercy.

I am going through the “Did I make the right decision?” phase, am quite sad, and am feeling lonely. Truly, any help/council/wisdom is appreciated.
 
First make sure you go to confession and mention all that you’ve done with this lady. Is she a Catholic ? Was it just the physical stuff you did that was wrong and broke you up, or were there other issues ? Maybe God will will bring you back together once you have spiritually matured or maybe He won’t. Make a sincere apology to her either way
 
First off, how long did the relationship last? Why is it that you did not want to marry her?

If the answer is because you did not see a future with her, that should make the breakup more reasonable and you should not be having seconded thoughts.

If you did want to marry her, had you both spoken of it? I am wondering why she would rather end the relationship than just remain chaste until you would marry.
 
Well Irishmom2, I did broach being chaste until marriage. She wasn’t willing. She said that if she were engaged that she would be chaste. If not, then she didn’t want it (sounds backwards to me). However, there wasn’t any marriage proposal because I wanted to see if we can work through some issues first. Anger on her part. Stonewalling on my part. I was walking on eggshells due to some of her conduct tbh. We spoke a lot about this. It consumed me at times which wasn’t healthy.

I did not see a happy marriage if the present were a good indicator. That played a HUGE part in the breakup. Although we both worked at it (and she did improve), I think the marriage would’ve been a toxic pattern of happy-okay-toxic-repeat.

Still, I’m nearing 40. Am feeling quite lonely and not knowing what the future holds for me. I have heard those people in their 40’s and 50’s who have regret. Am I destined to be one of those?
 
No one can answer that for you. All you can do is look forward, not back. It is probably best that you ended things if there were other issues.

Don’t give up, and don’t think about other people’s regrets. My dad was 38 when he got married to my mom. I know other people that married in their 40s.
 
Hello halogirl. Thanks for replying. So, she’s in RCIA. That’s why when the issue of sex came up again I was hoping to get some … development. Too much of a convenient hope for me.

I go to confession frequently. Two times a month seems to be the average. Will be going again very shortly though.

There were other issues. Anger, stonewalling, communication, quality time, and so on. Some peripheral issues too. Mostly, it was anger and a general selfishness on her part. For me, it was stonewalling and not being able to provide her with the quality time she wanted (I sacrificed conveniences to be with her but she thought I could do more).

I did apologize during the breakup. I want to make sure though that I don’t have the arrogance in thinking it was all me. It wasn’t all on me in terms of culpability. That’s a warren of thought I won’t engage in. Anyways, thanks for any and all counsel.
 
On a very human level, it sounds as though you two just weren’t compatible. Pray for her and remain friends at a distance
 
Thank you. I appreciate that.

In all bluntness, I feel terrible that I caused someone pain and hurt. Though it was a two way street it still tears me up. Ugh. I have a hard time with that and don’t know how to reconcile the person I want to be with how she felt towards the end. I wonder what a spiritual director would say to this? Pride? Anyways, thank you for your response. God Bless.
 
You know, that’s what I started to think towards the end. That we weren’t as compatible as we once thought we were. It was a tough thing to admit. We did get along GREAT in many ways. However, some of the big stuff (working through disagreements, for example) were very tough for us.
 
Hardly anyone ends a relationship without pain. It’s totally normal. But you are right, it wasn’t all you from the sound of it. You both wanted different things, or needed different things.

How long were you together?
 
Hmmm. I’m interested that you use the term “I’m single”. Of course you are, and were. That use of the word “single” is telling to me. Do you have a holy mindset about dating and marriage, or is it pretty similar to any secular person?


As for regrets, yes, lots of people have them. Marrying the wrong person could have been a huge regret!
Honestly I would listen to some Fr. Ripperger and see if it makes sense to you:

https://heroicvirtuecreations.com/2017/01/28/principles-catholic-courtship/
 
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Hi Jen95. Hopefully, I can tune in and listen to Fr. Ripperger. Thank you.

Can you expand a little about my use of the term “I’m single” and how it is interesting? I honestly don’t know what you mean or the implications of its use. If it’s about having a holy mindset, I definitely fail in this.
 
Don’t give up on Catholic Match. It’s where the single Catholics are, don’t give up.
 
I edited my post to add a link to a blog post where somebody discusses that use of the term “single” that way.
I hope I didn’t sound too harsh – I think that it’s not easy for serious Catholics to be happy and holy in this world! Sometimes I think we do end up having to adjust our attitudes and behavior from what is generally seen as “normal” in contemporary society.
Good luck working this out. Honestly I think there are a lot of ladies who would be interested in meeting up with a serious Catholic guy!
 
Thank you. I went to the link. I definitely don’t parse the word ‘single’ as they do. I merely meant I wasn’t married. Still, your point holds. I do not always have that holy mindset. It’s just that I thought I was much more advanced in the mindset than I was.
 
Thanks for the response. I think I’ll venture on after I have recovered some and am ready to talk to someone. I have learned that, for me, someone within 20 mins. is better than someone over 20 mins. for dating. It allows me to get to know them better without there being a production every time we see each other. On CM there will be, at most or at best, 5-10 matches for that ‘filter’ (distance). I just don’t know if it’s worth it.

I have heard there’s thing called going up to someone and talking to them. I may try that. Lol
 
Maybe when you are ready you should stretch it to 30 minutes away. 😉 Those ten minutes just might give enough opportunity for a few more possibilities. Just sayin’.
 
BTW, I think you should be commended for at least trying to follow celibacy / chastity – especially if you had to throw the relationship into “reverse”.
Any chance you have a trusted priest / adviser you could talk to? Maybe the relationship can still be salvaged. If she’s in RCIA could she be convinced to see a more Catholic point of view regarding sexual morality?
Also don’t know if you have had an opportunity to read much about “theology of the body”?

 
You mentioned communication and stonewalling as two of the major issues between the two of you.

Those are two areas that need some serious working on. Nothing will destroy a relationship more certainly than lack of CLEAR communication and especially stonewalling. Stonewalling can be deadly to a relationship. Stonewalling involves not only a lack of communication and sharing, but an unwillingness to communicate and share. Personally, I always suspect, when somebody stonewalls, that they have something to hide (politicians do it much of the time, for that exact reason).

CLEAR communication is necessary to avoid misunderstandings, which can be a major cause of failed relationships. Open, honest, straightforward communication – and that includes a willingness to give straight answers to questions – provides the security of knowing where each person stands in the relationship, how each person perceives things, and what is needed to resolve issues and prevent future problems. None of that is possible if either or both parties stonewall and refuse to honestly communicate.

I think if you will work on that, things could go more smoothly in future relationships.

By the way, my definition of stonewalling is refusing to answer questions or otherwise withholding information another person has the right to know.

What is your definition? Is it more a stubbornness where one or the other party refuses to budge from his or her position, no matter how unreasonable it might be? That could also be called stonewalling.

Either way, it can lead to toxicity.

The other essential component of good communication is LISTENING. If nobody is willing to listen, communication stops dead in its tracks. Few people are willing to continue wasting their breath if they aren’t being heard or heeded. That’s when couples stop talking, altogether.

Hope this helps.
 
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JanR said:
By the way, my definition of stonewalling is refusing to answer questions or otherwise withholding information another person has the right to know.
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Hi JanR. I would say mine is the cutting off from communication, not acknowledging the person as I should. Withdrawing and taking time to recover from, let’s say, being yelled at in an anger outburst. This is a big concern of mine and our two temperaments were just toxic and fed the other.

So, for example, she would get upset (like leaving the toilet seat up) and would have a tough time controlling her anger. It would come out. I could respond in kind (I hate yelling and don’t like that I have lost my cool), respond maturely (which, sadly, sometimes doesn’t work), or withdraw like a dog with its tail between its legs. Too many times, it was the latter. I don’t want to yell so I withdraw. Or, it was a flood of anxiety and the fight/flight feeling overtook me and I withdraw. Except, I brood over the course of days and that extended way longer than it should have. This withdrawing invalidated her, naturally.

When we finally sat down and discussed things a pattern had developed. Stupid act/comment - Emotional Release (Anger/Yell) - An Attempt to Discuss (calmly trying to explain) - Refusal to Listen - Withdrawing - Discuss Rationally Days Later. It wore me down. I was drained. We tried to handle problems as adults but it’s almost like it had to go bad before it got better. But the problems were never fully resolved and it was a major thing for her and I to sit down and discuss things like adults. It was kind of overbearing and toxic.

Yes, I do have to improve my withdrawing/stonewalling. I am not proud of that. Her temperament exacerbated it. I hadn’t displayed it (withdrawing for a week) to that degree ever.

So, you couple issues of the flesh with the above and maybe you can see why I was so concerned. It’s still heartbreaking and I just hate making someone feel bad. But, anyway, thanks for your words JanR.
 
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