The perfect guy.. but

[BadTurkey]

Hi everyone Haven’t been on here for a while.
Now I have a question that I would like to hear people’s comments on.
I met in the past some guys that I was passionately in love with but who would not have been good husband material, and under circumstances which were bad (non-believers etc).
Now I have finally met a good believing guy, mature, handsome, sweet, considerate, deep, loving and overwhelming in his responses towards me, also when I am more than difficult.
I have never met a guy like him, and feel he is really what I want if I had made a list.
But that feeling is lacking… that feeling you know…
So I have taken a time out from being in contact with him daily, and thus hurt his feelings with my indecisive manner.
I would just like to hear about peoples personal experience…
Did you all fall in love with your fiancé(e)/spouse in that way which is called “falling in love” passionately, which gives butterflies in the stomach etc… ?
Or did some of you choose to be with a person who you didnt “fall in love with” because you simply saw that this person was good and beautiful in your eyes and you liked being with them… and then maybe came to fall in love/or love later, after comitting… or … I dont know what to say.
I feel I am in a great dilemma… I really enjoy spending time with this person, we have super-many things in common, he can handle me, communicate with me, like the same things I like, have same spirituality etc. He is wonderful and independent. There are so many good things to say. And he is in love with me and dedicated… but I feel that something is missing in my feelings and some emptiness and sentimentality is in me even when he is close to me…
Have anyone been in this situation. What did you do to get clarification about what to do, besides praying? and please don’t say the answer is already in the silence of my heart. I really cant hear it…

Grace:blush:

Trust your gut. Trust God. And God may be speaking through your gut.

 

[flyingfish]

Why do you think this feeling is not happening with him? What do you think is missing? Do you think it’s a fault on his part that he is not making you dizzy when you’re near him (his appearance or behavior?), or it’s just not happening?

There are ways to fall in love, I’m quoting from the Jan/Feb 2010 issue of Scientific American MInd (And yes, some sound cheesy, and you have to love me for taking the time to type them out.)

Here are some fun exercises, all inspired by scientific studies that you can use to deliberately create emotional intimacy with a partner-even someone you barely know:

1. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his or hers. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged.

1. Standing or sitting about two feet away from each other, look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw.

1. Standing or sitting fairly near each other, start moving your hands, arms and legs any way you like-but in a fashion that perfectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.

1. This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerablity. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner. Then trade places. repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.

1. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.

1. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few mintues wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.

7,. Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching. (My students tell me this exercise often ends with kissing.)

1. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, sometimes, eerie kinds of sparks.

1. Studies by researchers show that people bond emotionally when aroused through exercise, adventures, or exposed to dangerous situations.
   …

1. …have shown that people tend to grow closer when they are doing something new. Novelty heightens senses and also makes people feel vulnerable.

…

Have fun

 

[PilgrimSong]

Sometimes the “butterflies in your stomach” feeling is infatuation, not love. Being in love does, of course, involve emotions, but love is a decision. Love is a verb, not a feeling. It is wanting the good of the other person for his/her own sake. The ultimate good is heaven of course.

Will this man help you to get to heaven? Will you do the same for him? Can you see yourself raising a family together?

My husband and I have been married almost 27 years. We started out as friends, then better friends, then grew to be best friends and in love with each other. He is a wonderful Catholic man with a desire to deepen his faith. He is loyal to the core; I can trust him with anything. He is hard-working and puts in long hours to support us. We laugh together. We have been through SO many hills and valleys together, which has only strengthened the love between us.

Ultimately, love is self-sacrificial. It does not seek emotional highs, though since we are human those will come and go. Keep praying. God will give you the answer.

 

[GraceDK]

Dear everyone.

Thanks so much for your advice and stories…
Irish Girl, especially… wonderful testimony… I really relate to it.
Clevalier I hope you got some rest. Treat yourself good…

I might just try some of those scientific advices about how to connect
more romantically…

Peace be with you all

 

[dakotagirl]

Hi everyone Haven’t been on here for a while.
Now I have a question that I would like to hear people’s comments on.
I met in the past some guys that I was passionately in love with but who would not have been good husband material, and under circumstances which were bad (non-believers etc).
Now I have finally met a good believing guy, mature, handsome, sweet, considerate, deep, loving and overwhelming in his responses towards me, also when I am more than difficult.
I have never met a guy like him, and feel he is really what I want if I had made a list.
But that feeling is lacking… that feeling you know…
So I have taken a time out from being in contact with him daily, and thus hurt his feelings with my indecisive manner.
I would just like to hear about peoples personal experience…
Did you all fall in love with your fiancé(e)/spouse in that way which is called “falling in love” passionately, which gives butterflies in the stomach etc… ?
Or did some of you choose to be with a person who you didnt “fall in love with” because you simply saw that this person was good and beautiful in your eyes and you liked being with them… and then maybe came to fall in love/or love later, after comitting… or … I dont know what to say.
I feel I am in a great dilemma… I really enjoy spending time with this person, we have super-many things in common, he can handle me, communicate with me, like the same things I like, have same spirituality etc. He is wonderful and independent. There are so many good things to say. And he is in love with me and dedicated… but I feel that something is missing in my feelings and some emptiness and sentimentality is in me even when he is close to me…
Have anyone been in this situation. What did you do to get clarification about what to do, besides praying? and please don’t say the answer is already in the silence of my heart. I really cant hear it…

Grace:blush:

Hey - Grace, m’ dear - if I may still put in my two cents! Idk what the hesitation is about - he sounds adorable, but if you’re not into him, you’re not into him. Is it because you’re afraid of hurting his feelings? I assure you, that if you turn him down, he will be hurt, but will probably recover in approximately 2 days, and next month he will have a new gf and will be as happy as a clam. Theoretically not because he doesn’t love you, but men heal MUCH more quickly than ladies do. Not just my personal observations only, but I have it on good male authority. So really, just suck it up, and do the nasty job, if you feel you have to do it. (Unless you can somehow convince him that he doesn’t like you and that it was his idea, in which case he will recover much more quickly - but I don’t necessarily recommend that. )

 

[chevalier]

I assure you, that if you turn him down, he will be hurt, but will probably recover in approximately 2 days, and next month he will have a new gf and will be as happy as a clam. Theoretically not because he doesn’t love you, but men heal MUCH more quickly than ladies do. Not just my personal observations only, but I have it on good male authority.

As much as I like you, you will be fried for that. Last time I checked, there was a big M on my ID card and I assure you I would not be as happy as a clam within two days of being rejected by someone close to me and in the relationship with whom I had invested myself.

(I have to say, however, that becoming someone’s girlfriend in order to avoid hurting his feelings basically means giving oneself to someone in the long run, because it leads to marriage, just on the premise of not hurting his feelings, or entering into a relationship with the mind to breaking up in a while. Both worse than simply turning a guy down. Don’t give or allow a guy (or woman, same thing) anything out of pity, ever. He (she) will end up deluding himself and being unhappy.)

(Well, it has to be said also that turning someone down does not need to be as damaging as it typically is. What it needs in order to be healthier is decision and precision. No head games and no trying to negate everything that happened. If we start flirting, dating etc. but change our mind about the person later, it’s better to fess up than to pretend we were never anything else than repulsed by him/her.)

(Unless you can somehow convince him that he doesn’t like you and that it was his idea, in which case he will recover much more quickly - but I don’t necessarily recommend that. )

Don’t ever even begin thinking about that. If you think men can’t read that, you’re mistaken. For example I read it in no time (and a lot of other things). I’m just too polite to interrupt and say I don’t buy any of it. It’s true I have a bit more background with such things than most people, but I don’t think I’m the only guy who reads it, really.

 

[dakotagirl]

As much as I like you, you will be fried for that. Last time I checked, there was a big M on my ID card and I assure you I would not be as happy as a clam within two days of being rejected by someone close to me and in the relationship with whom I had invested myself.

That’s cool, chev, but you really shouldn’t argue a rule from an exception. It just seems like a logical fallacy to me.
**
**(I have to say, however, that becoming someone’s girlfriend in order to avoid hurting his feelings basically means giving oneself to someone in the long run, because it leads to marriage, just on the premise of not hurting his feelings, or entering into a relationship with the mind to breaking up in a while. Both worse than simply turning a guy down. Don’t give or allow a guy (or woman, same thing) anything out of pity, ever. He (she) will end up deluding himself and being unhappy.)

(Well, it has to be said also that turning someone down does not need to be as damaging as it typically is. What it needs in order to be healthier is decision and precision. No head games and no trying to negate everything that happened. If we start flirting, dating etc. but change our mind about the person later, it’s better to fess up than to pretend we were never anything else than repulsed by him/her.)****

I assure you, people are manipulative game-players less often then you think (unless we are all playing games all of the time - will you ever know? ) What about you (besides being trained in criminology) makes you assume that they are?

Don’t ever even begin thinking about that. If you think men can’t read that, you’re mistaken. For example I read it in no time (and a lot of other things). I’m just too polite to interrupt and say I don’t buy any of it. It’s true I have a bit more background with such things than most people, but I don’t think I’m the only guy who reads it, really.

And I can immediately tell when men assume I am playing games! They REALLY shouldn’t tempt me.

 

[dulcissima]

Grace,

Based upon reading some of your prior posts, I have to wonder if some of the issus of not having the “feeling” is that you are not getting swept into some out of control physical experience. Dating someone who is strong in their faith and committed to chastity is likely very different to someone who is more ruled by raw passion.

Perhaps this is a chance for you to experience a different kind of love than you have before, one where you are consciously making choices, not getting swept away with emotion.

 

[chevalier]

That’s cool, chev, but you really shouldn’t argue a rule from an exception. It just seems like a logical fallacy to me.

That’s not very cool for me, not like I would like to change this part of me, but… never mind. As for logic, I don’t think I’m so exceptional and the guy we’re talking about sounds like we share some genes anyway.

**

I assure

you, people are manipulative game-players less often then you think (unless we are all playing games all of the time - will you ever know? ) What about you (besides being trained in criminology) makes you assume that they are? **

I can realise someone’s talking rubbish before he himself realises it. I tend to know when people say things for a reason (i.e. not the natural course of a conversation but a conciously placed bait for answer), when they don’t believe what they say, when other unnatural things happen. I just have a knack for it.

But I don’t credit people with malice prepense so much, rest assured. It’s rarely premeditated. People don’t think so much. In fact, most of the time someone’s actually playing games, I will be giving him the benefit of doubt in face of overwhelming odds against him from the facts.

In my working parlance, anything other than yes is yes, no is no, is playing games, conscious or not (unless we’re talking about a one-time or otherwise reasonable change of mind), although I wouldn’t credit someone with the mens rea unless I had good evidence that choices to say or do particular things were deliberate and especially intended for obtaining a particular goal (e.g. choosing not to answer in order to keep someone waiting, deciding to tell a guy something to push him into sexual thoughts, telling someone he’s a friend but flirting with him etc., if intended to have some fun at the expense of the person). I am fully able to derive full evidence from a single brief gaze at someone’s body language and I won’t hesitate to do so if the message is clear, but in a normal situation I will be the last one to credit someone with the blame for playing games.

**

And I

can immediately tell when men assume I am playing games! They REALLY shouldn’t tempt me. **

Aren’t you already beginning to play games when you enter those waters anyway?

I too could outgame pretty much any player. Except what for? It isn’t worth a reasonable person’s time and effort.

 

[chevalier]

Grace,

Based upon reading some of your prior posts, I have to wonder if some of the issus of not having the “feeling” is that you are not getting swept into some out of control physical experience. Dating someone who is strong in their faith and committed to chastity is likely very different to someone who is more ruled by raw passion.

It is, we’ve covered that subject in the nice girls thread.

Perhaps this is a chance for you to experience a different kind of love than you have before, one where you are consciously making choices, not getting swept away with emotion.

Nothing wrong with emotion if it doesn’t get out of hand. Emotions are still there with non-secular people, it’s that chemistry may appear impaired when someone is consciously keeping his sexual sphere contained. He or she may appear less interested or even less interest*ing *because of not transmitting certain sexual signals or transmitting them less intensely. But I doubt Grace would be a victim of that wrong impression that secular women have that if a man isn’t being sexual in his act or speech then he is less interested or less male or something of the kind.

 

[CountrySinger]

If you want him to stop liking you, follow these steps:

1. Gain weight, I mean LOTS of weight, like “Biggest Loser” contestant size. Or just wear a fat suit.
2. Wear unflattering clothes.
3. Burp in front of him.
4. Call him ALL the time.
5. Be very clingy.

Just kidding. I think the first two will take care of any physical interest in you.

 

[dulcissima]

Nothing wrong with emotion if it doesn’t get out of hand. Emotions are still there with non-secular people, it’s that chemistry may appear impaired when someone is consciously keeping his sexual sphere contained. He or she may appear less interested or even less interesting because of not transmitting certain sexual signals or transmitting them less intensely. But I doubt Grace would be a victim of that wrong impression that secular women have that if a man isn’t being sexual in his act or speech then he is less interested or less male or something of the kind.

It’s one thing to understand that intellectually, but if you have experienced the thrill of being wanted and pursued in that very way, I do think it can be confusing and a bit of a let down to not experience that in a more chaste and rational relationship. From her early posts that I remember when Grace first came to CAF, she was recovering from being hurt by a very secular relationship. So, while on the one hand she might be consciously deciding not to go there again, she still might be mourning the loss of that thrill.

 

[Rascalking]

1. Call him ALL the time.
2. Be very clingy.

My last girlfriend and I broke up over this-she would call/text all the time, I’m taking 4-5 texts every hour about everything! It was nuts. If I didn’t respond immediately, she’d get irritated. I have a best friend who is a female, a girl I’d lay down in traffic for both her or her husband-and my ex would virtually claw me in “possession” when we where out as a 2 couples. It was freaky, man!

And the other stuff? Save it till your married…

 

[CountrySinger]

My last girlfriend and I broke up over this-she would call/text all the time, I’m taking 4-5 texts every hour about everything! It was nuts. If I didn’t respond immediately, she’d get irritated. I have a best friend who is a female, a girl I’d lay down in traffic for both her or her husband-and my ex would virtually claw me in “possession” when we where out as a 2 couples. It was freaky, man!

And the other stuff? Save it till your married…

Ew. I could never burp in front of my husband/boyfriend. I always leave the room because I would be so embarassed. I once went on a retreat with my “then boyfriend”, and it was hard acting cute 24/7. But I did it! I think he still thinks that women don’t have bodily reactions, it ruins the romance.

 

[dakotagirl]

If you want him to stop liking you, follow these steps:

1. Gain weight, I mean LOTS of weight, like “Biggest Loser” contestant size. Or just wear a fat suit.
2. Wear unflattering clothes.
3. Burp in front of him.
4. Call him ALL the time.
5. Be very clingy.

Just kidding. I think the first two will take care of any physical interest in you.

Or just the first one. Or just the second one alone.

 

[dakotagirl]

Ew. I could never burp in front of my husband/boyfriend. I always leave the room because I would be so embarassed. I once went on a retreat with my “then boyfriend”, and it was hard acting cute 24/7. But I did it! I think he still thinks that women don’t have bodily reactions, it ruins the romance.

Oh my gawsh! For real right? You are ridic funny.

 

[dakotagirl]

Aren’t you already beginning to play games when you enter those waters anyway?

I’m pretty sure I would know in which waters I was playing games.

 

[CountrySinger]

Oh my gawsh! For real right? You are ridic funny.

It’s all about the image. Imperfection isn’t sexy.

 

[Rascalking]

It’s all about the image. Imperfection isn’t sexy.

Not practical either. You don’t want to be around a girl who acts like the crassest of men.

 

[beckers]

Ew. I could never burp in front of my husband/boyfriend. I always leave the room because I would be so embarassed. I once went on a retreat with my “then boyfriend”, and it was hard acting cute 24/7. But I did it! I think he still thinks that women don’t have bodily reactions, it ruins the romance.

LOL

my BIL actually told this to his guy friend sho had been dating a girl for awhile and thought about getting married. He asked his guy friend “Have you farted in front of her? Until you do that you ain’t ready for marriage”. Its funny but very true. Unless you are completely yourself then you aren’t ready to take the next step.