The Purpose of Dating

  • Thread starter Thread starter mikworld
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
M

mikworld

Guest
I think this is a bit of a spinoff of the thread: “Not with my daughter.”
First, I’m going to give you my background again. I am a 21 year old college student that is seriously addressing the topic of vocation. (Married, Priest, Religious, single without orders) Basically, I am generally discerning.

-SIDE NOTE- Any prayers for me to continue to discern my vocation and continue to grow in relationship with God would be appreciated. -END SIDE NOTE-

I have never had a girlfriend, but I have and still have the desire to do so. Over the last 2 years, I have done a great deal of meditation and gone through some very challenging trials emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships with people. My perspective on dating and relationships is much more rounded as a result, although I have never actually dated anyone.

Here’s what I would like: Please chime in on your views and perspective of what the purpose of dating is, and what you envision it to be for your youngsters. After a couple posts pop up, I will give my views.
Sound good?
God Bless,

Justin
 
The purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner. Because of modern society’s view of dating is based more on temporary sexual partners, this view is often called courtship by its adherents. I reject that term because:
  1. I think it sounds stupid and
  2. There are quite a few (exclusively Protestant in my experience) nuts who go for übercourtrship and say things like “Once you get engaged, then you can hold hands. All dates should be with both the familes” and other such ideas.
 
Last post was good asnwer to “Why date”?

For the bigger vocation question, I would recommend getting to be close friends with people of each type of vocation lifestyle you are considering and observating their relationship (to each other and/orGod) to help you determine how much each lifestyle appeals to you.
 
Because of modern society’s view of dating is based more on temporary sexual partners, this view is often called courtship by its adherents. I reject that term because:
  1. I think it sounds stupid and
  2. There are quite a few (exclusively Protestant in my experience) nuts who go for übercourtrship and say things like “Once you get engaged, then you can hold hands. All dates should be with both the familes” and other such ideas.
Click to expand...
Heh, yeah, I agree with you on that!
The purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.
Click to expand...
So dating before legal marriage age is too young? But, heh, can’t dating also be used to help get an idea of what it’ll be like, so the person can have more experience? I guess I feel that despite what some people say…I should date. Guess I’ve just been raised to believe that it’s fine for people my age to date.
 
Well, I think I might be repeating what I have said in a few other posts. Since you asked I will try my best to give a general overview of what we teach our children.

The purpose of dating is to find a life partner. If you are not ready to do so( be it emotionally, financially, spriritually) then there is no point in starting something you cannot finish.

When and if you feel ready( keep in mind it might be at 17 or 37) then you can be open to meeting and possibly “dating”.

We don’t call it dating, but courting… but the phrase is not important. If someone is interested in knowing my daughter better then the following must happen:
  1. He must ask my husband if it is ok to correspond with her. In person, by mail, or email.
  2. If permission is given, the young man is encouraged after a short period of getting to know us as a family and we encourage our daughter to know his family. We could possibly have family gatherings with both families.
  3. There is to be very little alone time, dinner is fine,Mass is a plus, movies are out.
  4. We would discuss with the young man, his financial situation, any debt. We also would encourage him to talk with our daughter about the importance of staying at home with the children, being open to children, discipline, faith etc.
If after all of the above happens, and the couple feel they are called to be married then the young man would again ask my husband if he can have our daughters hand in marriage.

If during this above time of courting, they or one of them feels that this person is not the right match for them then they have both safeguarded their soul, purity and heartstrings from any undue harm.

I hope that made sense.
 
That sounds great and I’m sure that could possibly work. However, many of us don’t have strong Catholic parents (me) and many times the girl’s parents don’t give a hoot anyway. So how should we go about dating with those obstacles? I think people in the Church should kind of take the Christian father position of the girl and someone should be there to mentor the guy too. I don’t think thats always possible either. So what is the best way to go about dating? Strict rules can be very…well lets say restrictive and sometimes impossible. As long as Christ is the glue that holds the relationship together, the two “daters” are going to be just fine. 🙂
 
So dating before legal marriage age is too young? But, heh, can’t dating also be used to help get an idea of what it’ll be like, so the person can have more experience? I guess I feel that despite what some people say…I should date. Guess I’ve just been raised to believe that it’s fine for people my age to date.
Click to expand...
The problem is not one of legal age imho (after all, even assuming that you marry the first person you date, it’ll be at least a year with the engagement and probably longer), but rather level of maturity and likelihood of success. Below the age of 16, both are effectively nill (I don’t mean to cast aspersions on those below 16, but in my personal experience there is not the maturity level to resist temptations). Around 16 is when there starts to be some possibility. Maturity level is of course different for each person, and some people never reach it. Bill Clinton for instance.
 
Well, a few people have chimed in, so I am going to release my point of view as promised!
Part 1
For the last two years, I have gone to battle with my emotions, being attracted to a few different young ladies over this period of time. There was a point where I just needed to talk to someone, so I sought spiritual direction from a friend, who happens to be married with 5 kids and leads an EXTREMELY active life in the Church. He has been my guide and friend over the last two years, and continues to be like a spiritual father to me.
From my experience, I think it is safe to say that dating is no simple matter. One cannot simply say that dating is simply reserved for seriously looking into marriage or that dating should be approached with a light humor. Dating, in the course of ones life, is indeed a part of God’s plan for people to get to know others and become aquainted with the self.
At one point in time, about 6 months ago, I was feeling very bogged down by my feelings for a close friend, which had been developing for a while. I’d already told her how I felt, it wasn’t reciprocated, and I simply couldn’t reconcile what I was feeling.I went to confession. There, an old, wise priest imparted the wisdom on me that any young lady that I have a conversation with, eat lunch with, share a few moments of talk after a concert, or anything that involves getting to know someone a little better, is a date. Lets consider this, and take it to another level: a relationship level.
It is a part of the Christian mystery to give of ones-self. Christ gave to the church, so we are to give to Christ and eachother. In giving to eachother, we grow in holiness with eachother. From this angle, we could dig even deeper to say that growing in Holiness entails learning. Learning is the heart of what a dating relationship is.
 
Part 2

The true purpose of a dating relationship is not to search for a mate. I would go so far to say that a relationship begun with the premise of future marriage is destined to be a futile attempt. The very first thought to be had in a dating relationship is to seek who the opposite individual is. God has already given the two a gift of being mutually attracted to eachother, so now the two must get to know eachother better. In getting to know another person, one expands the depth of their personal relationships and gains a friend, one that should remain to be a good friend even after the dating relationship has ended, for the purpose is to get to know someone.

The greatest personal benefits an individual may have is learning how to moderate emotions in a healthy way. Our emotions are a gift from God, and should not be suppressed because we simply will not look at anyone unless we are going to marry them. On the contrary, we must allow our emotions to be a part of our life. When attraction enters into our being, we should seek the person beyond the attractive image that we see. We should desire to grow in a deeper relationship with them!
In a dating relationship, we also learn how to moderate our physical desires. A dating couple has the opportunity to learn a small piece of what our physical sexuality is. Holding hands, a kiss or a hug, and sitting comforatably close together are all outlets to the physical desire. Having these outlets promotes the opportunity to grow in holiness as the couple learns when physical contact needs to be moderated. There are already guidelines in place for a unmarried people laid down by the church, but to claim that physical contact altogether must not happen entails a negative future result. We may sin on occasion, but we will sin less in the future because of the learning that has taken place in the dating relationships.
There is so much more to be said than I am saying. I have written too much as it is! My friends, I have learned much about myself, other people, and God, over the past 2 years, and I haven’t even expereinced a “dating relationship!” I look forward to the day when a new chapter in my life is written, and I begin to learn more about myself, God, and the opposite sex in a dating relationship. I pray that all the world will see these moments in life as opportunities to grow, and learn to love as a people of God.
God Bless,

Justin
 
Justin,

I like your contemplations on the matter and tend to agree with you. I don’t like this “well, don’t start what you can’t finish. . .” philosophy with dating. As if a wedding ring and a roll in the hay are the only worthy goals in a romantic life. Pshhawww!

Dating is a learning experience for both partners. Since most people here at this forum seem to have a fascination with sex (really, I have never seen the topic discussed so much -forget the love and dating forums, come here;) ), I 100% agree with you that dating is an outlet, or perhaps a forum, if you will, to learn that there are other outlets for physical desire that don’t always have to end in consummation or a sacrament. Holding hands, smooching, caressing, looking into each other’s eyes, cuddling, etc. are ways to express affection, which almost must always be seperated from lust. Because affection and lust can run dangerously close, well, that is the cross to bear that we must learn as humans.

I think this is particularly important for men in learning how to make a complete “love life” for their future mates. If it were up to the average male, every love encounter would end in sex. (well, we aren’t that bad, but we have been blessed with a lot of testosterone :love: ). In other words, dating is a time to sort out conflicting desires, to seperate desire from affection, attraction from lust.

So, we all know sex and love aren’t the same thing, are they? Dating is a time to learn that, especially from the male perspective. Men need to date their wives throughout their entireity of marriage.

Meanwhile, I guess females assess whether this guy they are with is a chucklehead or not.
 
Catholic Cadet:
The purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner. Because of modern society’s view of dating is based more on temporary sexual partners, this view is often called courtship by its adherents. **I reject that term because:
  1. I think it sounds stupid and
  2. There are quite a few (exclusively Protestant in my experience) nuts who go for übercourtrship and say things like “Once you get engaged, then** you can hold hands. All dates should be with both the familes” and other such ideas.
Click to expand...
HIGH FIVE!

Right On!
 
So, we all know sex and love aren’t the same thing, are they?
Click to expand...
Actually, I thought that sex was one of the greatest expressions of love. That’s why such a sacred act is reserved only for married couples and can give themselves totally to the other. But, I’m guessing you meant that lust and love aren’t the same thing, right?
 
I think lust, sex, and love are all different things.

Lust is a capital sin.

Sex is merely the act of copulation/intercourse.

Love is caring for somebody beyond words. Love is God

Sex is merely a “tool”, I guess. I haven’t thought much about it in the way you put it. It can be used an expression of lust or an expression of love, right? Of course, as an expression of lust, it is wrong.

Really, I haven’t thought much about it. I will pray on this some.
 
Well, a fellow FG’er. I too am in Forest Grove.
We have a daughter in very similar circumstances as yourself.
I feel that dating for serious catholics should be always with the intent of searching for a mate. Casual dating is okay in order to get exposure to enough people that you can choose someone you think has the qualities and carachter you are looking for. But when things look like they’re getting serious between you, I think it’s best for catholics to follow the church’s long time opinion that mixed marriages are to be discouraged.
Having said that…our oldest daughter married a protestant and he will be joining the church. He’s wonderful and he was more open to Gods leading to convert because he wasn’t deeply entrenched in any one branch of protestantism.
Well, I hope that helps and good luck with your search,.
KellyEr
 
There is a wonderful book that is written by a priest, it is called Christian Courtship in an Oversexed World, by T.G. Morrow. It will be well worth your time and money to read it. It is available on Amazon.com

He also tells of his dating experiences and finding his way to his vocation to the priesthood. Might help you there too.

God bless you, whatever your vocation I can see you are taking it seriously!!!

chris
 
The purpose of dating is to learn how to be in a relationship - not just potential marriage, but in various stages. It should be not only about finding what YOU want, but what you are willing to also GIVE. I’m not saying anyone should compromise their values, but our society seems to foster this “what have you done for me lately” attitude than a positive, healthy service-oriented desire in relationships, of all kinds.

I think dating allows you to grow and experience in different maturity levels of relationships, within a relationship and across the span of one’s dating (and relating in general) life:

First, you have your junior high, fairy tale wish list of the perfect mate, for many this is heavily influenced by the media unfortunately, but hopefully more so influenced by healthy and positive Christian/Catholic marriages.

Second, you start having your young, limited relationships, and realize that no one person is going to be everything you want.

Third, you start realizing that not only is one person going to be everything you want, but they are going to come with a few flaws as well. (I think this is where a lot of people - even into adulthood - get stuck. They commit to someone, then feel they have “settled for less” than the perfection they “deserve” and forever resent their spouse.)

Fourth, you realize that not only is someone not going to be everything you dreamed, not only are they going to have a few flaws, but wow, you are not exactly someone’s perfect dream either. (This is another place people get stuck. If someone doesn’t accept THEM for everything - warts and all - the other person isn’t deserving, isn’t the right one, has no taste! etc.)

Fifth, you realize not only is no one perfect, everyone has a few flaws, you are not perfect, but THEY are probably putting up with a lot more than YOU. I think this is the maturity level where one learns to be humble, tolerant, and grateful for those in their lives - friends, family, and spouse.
 
An honest evaluation of dating activities needs to be within the context of local customs.

Modern American customs include extended education and training, prolonged adolescence, and delayed marriages.

Since dating often begins in middle teen years, and marriage may be delayed to age thirty or later, the dating process may continue for ten to fifteen years.

This long period of dating holds many temptations. Young people who are intensively seeking a marriage partner, long before they are ready to marry, multiply these temptations.

Thus, it may be advisable for young daters to learn enjoyment of the dating process, as preparation for adult life and relationships.

High school and college age people are usually not ready for marriage. Better for them, I think, to prepare for adult life, both careers and relationships.

Guidance for young daters should take in account human nature, as well as appropriate ethics and values.

In my view, the purpose of dating is to grow in maturity, wisdom, and understanding, so as to be well prepared for the following life stages.

.
 
mikworld said:
I think this is a bit of a spinoff of the thread: “Not with my daughter.”
First, I’m going to give you my background again. I am a 21 year old college student that is seriously addressing the topic of vocation. (Married, Priest, Religious, single without orders) Basically, I am generally discerning.

-SIDE NOTE- Any prayers for me to continue to discern my vocation and continue to grow in relationship with God would be appreciated. -END SIDE NOTE-

I have never had a girlfriend, but I have and still have the desire to do so. Over the last 2 years, I have done a great deal of meditation and gone through some very challenging trials emotionally, spiritually, and in relationships with people. My perspective on dating and relationships is much more rounded as a result, although I have never actually dated anyone.

Here’s what I would like: Please chime in on your views and perspective of what the purpose of dating is, and what you envision it to be for your youngsters. After a couple posts pop up, I will give my views.
Sound good?
God Bless,

Justin
Click to expand...
Meeting people socially is a social activity. Holding hands, kissing on the lips and other such physical expressions that involve two people are a different thing. Thus the purpose of dating depends to some extent on your definition of dating.

I strongly oppose the idea that it’s fine to have a romantic relationship on a temporary basis or for mere fun or with more than one person at the same time. That’s too far from the natural law pattern of one man and one woman, looking at marriage and family. Similarly, spin the bottle is not a licit party game.

As far as just meeting up for coffee or a dance is concerned, the purpose is social and there’s not much to be said there.
 
Max said:
So dating before legal marriage age is too young? But, heh, can’t dating also be used to help get an idea of what it’ll be like, so the person can have more experience? I guess I feel that despite what some people say…I should date. Guess I’ve just been raised to believe that it’s fine for people my age to date.
Click to expand...
The following is my own view. It is important to understand that there’s limited Church teaching on dating. This means that if someone else tells you about Christian dating, it’s as much his own opinion as this one is mine.

Dating before legal marrying age is not necessarily wrong.

Dating for mere experience is using people as means of getting experience, which is using people as means, which is wrong.

(The idea that using people as means is a major philosophical point, however. Here, Christian philosophy and Kantism say the same thing: one can’t use another human as a means, which means as an object, an instrument. Respect for the other person’s dignity requires that we realise and respect that he is a separate person with dignity and rights equal to our own, with his own dreams and aspirations. Cannot be used as a mere tool in fulfilling our own desires.)

Generally, it is good to remember that social interaction between a man and a woman does not need to involve kissing or cuddling. (This is common sense.)

In short, I see no problem engaging in conversations with people to gain wisdom. I see a problem in engaging in pronounced and physically expressed relationships which are for fun or for experience. I see it as using people and improperly using the “romantic” faculties.

Having a relationship is for looking for a partner for marriage. (The teaching of the Church does say that human sexuality is ordered towards marriage.) Not having a relationship is not an excuse freely to do the same things physically but with no attachments. Non-attachment attitudes are wrong. If one night stands are wrong, so are one time romantic encounters, albeit to a lesser degree and on a different level. Still, non-attachment is not a right attitude. Attachment is natural and it’s only natural that we are attached to our romantic partners. Going against this is, in my opinion, going against nature properly understood, i.e. the ordered desires which are implanted in us. This basically means the desire to find an keep a life-long partner. Searching is within the context. Having fun is not. Reaping the benefits without accepting the obligations is neither.
 
*Dating is a way to experience people in various settings, and to then discern if marriage could be the end result for the two of you. I was a serial dater, back in college, and would not recommend that. When you date too many different people, and don’t take it seriously…you hurt others, and yourself in the process. Also, you become overly picky and critical of others, and might end up like the song…Desperado (by the Eagles)

Dating should always be done with God at the center, and a desire to grow in holiness. In whatever we do, that should always be our purpose. Only having one marriage, no divorces–is a good thing to keep in mind too, when taking dating to the next level with someone.

Good luck to you–and my prayers for a successful search in finding someone to spend your life with…*
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top