The purpose of marriage

[misfitz]

As with many of my posts, this will be a bit scattered. I wish I could find a way to lump everything in to one simplified question. I am hoping those who are married can help answer some of these questions.

What do you think or believe is/are the most important things in choosing a spouse?

How do you reconcile what you are seeking in a spouse with what you are actually attracted to?

Suppose a person is physically attracted to certain traits but those people never have or have very little of what one seeks in a spouse?

Is physical attraction most important?
Shared faith?
Shared hobbies? Likes and dislikes?

What if one finds a person who they seem so perfect with, but that person is not of the same religion or is of the same religion but in name only?

As I understand, one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other get to heaven.

People change throughout their lives. Looks change. Hobbies and interests change, likes and dislikes sometimes change. So, what in a marriage changes, whether immediately or over time? And maybe more importantly, what in a marriage never or almost never changes?

 

[Em_in_FL]

As with many of my posts, this will be a bit scattered. I wish I could find a way to lump everything in to one simplified question. I am hoping those who are married can help answer some of these questions.

What do you think or believe is/are the most important things in choosing a spouse?

How do you reconcile what you are seeking in a spouse with what you are actually attracted to?

Suppose a person is physically attracted to certain traits but those people never have or have very little of what one seeks in a spouse?

Is physical attraction most important?
Shared faith?
Shared hobbies? Likes and dislikes?

What if one finds a person who they seem so perfect with, but that person is not of the same religion or is of the same religion but in name only?

As I understand, one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other get to heaven.

People change throughout their lives. Looks change. Hobbies and interests change, likes and dislikes sometimes change. So, what in a marriage changes, whether immediately or over time? And maybe more importantly, what in a marriage never or almost never changes?

There are many “attractive” people in this world… but I don’t think that’s the basis of LOVE by any means. For me, a shared Catholic faith with my husband was EVERYTHING… looks, hobbies, jobs, nothing came before faith. That’s what MADE my husband attractive to me (and he’s pretty handsome on the surface too! ). I don’t think I could have even allowed myself to fall in love with someone who didn’t share my Catholic faith… but that’s just me.

 

[ckempston]

As with many of my posts, this will be a bit scattered. I wish I could find a way to lump everything in to one simplified question. I am hoping those who are married can help answer some of these questions.

What do you think or believe is/are the most important things in choosing a spouse?

How do you reconcile what you are seeking in a spouse with what you are actually attracted to?

Suppose a person is physically attracted to certain traits but those people never have or have very little of what one seeks in a spouse?

Is physical attraction most important?
Shared faith?
Shared hobbies? Likes and dislikes?

What if one finds a person who they seem so perfect with, but that person is not of the same religion or is of the same religion but in name only?

As I understand, one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other get to heaven.

People change throughout their lives. Looks change. Hobbies and interests change, likes and dislikes sometimes change. So, what in a marriage changes, whether immediately or over time? And maybe more importantly, what in a marriage never or almost never changes?

As you pointed out, many things change. That’s why you have to have something that does not change to keep your marriage anchored: namely, faith in Christ. Although I am not Catholic, (I know this is the Catholic teaching), I would say that marrying someone of a different denomination is not advisable, even though it is permitted. Relationships are complicated enough without throwing in disparate beliefs. Ultimately, your spouse should be someone who will help you and your children make it to heaven.

 

[Pro-Life_Teen]

I’m not married, or even technically engaged yet, but I wanted to put in my two cents.

Faith is important. I won’t downplay the pros to having a spouse that believes as you do. With few devout Catholics, it seems, left it is a relief to know someone who believes as you do.

But my boyfriend is a deist. We met as kids really, I joined an art site when I was 14. He was on the same site, and we were part of the same group of fantasy writers. When I was 16, he asked me out. I’m 19 now. He’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, my confidant and true love. He lives in England, and I’m in the States, so we’ve only made trips to see each other twice, but we do talk on average every day for a few hours at least. We’re both physically attracted to each other, yes, but that isn’t a priority. We do share many interests, and what we don’t share, the other complements (we’re both into fantasy novels, but my tastes are towards anime, while he likes Western shows )

Looking for a spouse, though different than friendship, is similar. You wouldn’t leave a friend, I’d hope, over a physical injury that marred them in some way. You wouldn’t necessarily leave a friend if they suddenly had different interests. And your spouse is supposed to be your dearest and best friend, while being a level apart from friendship.

Now, back to faith- it is important. My boyfriend is very respectful of Catholicism, he picks up religious habits from me, and has no qualms about my practicing my faith and going along with what we would practice together [Catholic wedding, going to Church, NFP, etc]. Someone who is disrespectful or against the Church in a set manner may be a deep issue and wouldn’t be recommended.

Physical attraction and interests are important, but not the focus. And neither should all non-Catholics (in my opinion) be immediately crossed off because they were born into a Protestant family or lost their faith as teens. It has to be a balance of all three- someone who is at least open to Catholicism, who has enough of the same interests that you can spend time with them, and who you can be comfortable bring physically intimate with [after marriage for most of that].

It isn’t easy finding someone like this. It’s why people date and break up, or even end engagements. Or find that they’re in invalid marriages because their spouse lied to them. All we can do is pray to God- for ourselves, our future spouse, and that the paths meet. And make sure to keep our eyes open as well.

 

[kage_ar]

The CCC gives us the purpose of marriage:

"By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament "

So, date people who will live this sacrament to these purposes.

 

[Scar]

…to beget children and raise them to love God… Next question:thumbsup:

 

[Peacefulwishes]

Hmmm… let’s see. I think the one thing in a successful, happy marriage that never changes would be true friendship. A marriage needs to be built upon a strong foundation of friendship… and faith, too, of course.

eta: You know, I don’t think a physical attraction is all that important. I was not initially attracted to my husband when we met. But we became great friends, and eventually the friendship grew and we both fell in love. At first glance we don’t have much in common: He’s 12 years older than I am, and he’s Mexican and I’m a white girl from the south! But after we got to know each other through friendship, we realized we had so much more in common than we realized. We also didn’t share the same faith initially. He’s Catholic and I was raised Mormon (but left the church as a teen, then declared myself a “non denominational!”) It wasn’t until the baptism of our daughter in 07 that I felt the Church calling for me and joined RCIA.

We’ve been married for almost 4 years, and I can tell you that my heart still swells anytime he walks into the room. Friendship and faith are the most important things in our marriage, everything else is secondary

 

[Scar]

Hmmm… let’s see. I think the one thing in a successful, happy marriage that never changes would be true friendship. A marriage needs to be built upon a strong foundation of friendship… and faith, too, of course.

Agreed, but the thread is “The Purpose of Marriage” not the ingrediants. I believe it is assumed that friendship preceded marriage… at least that’s what I assumed… so your probably right…

 

[misfitz]

Agreed, but the thread is “The Purpose of Marriage” not the ingrediants. I believe it is assumed that friendship preceded marriage… at least that’s what I assumed… so your probably right…

no, no, no…I want to hear the ingredients too! Darn I wish I had thought of that for the title!

 

[CatholicSamurai]

Here’s something to think about:

Marriage is the primordial sacrament.
Marriage is a mirror of God.

To me, the ultimate purpose of marriage is to glorify God. I did not marry for my sake or my spouse’s sake. I married for God’s sake. Hope that helps. Sounds impractical to some but that’s the reason why I’m married for 2 years now.

 

[yellowbird]

Shared faith… without question this would be #1 for me … and encouraging each other to grow in that faith.

Other things of importance in no particular order:

1. Open to life
2. Makes me laugh
3. Is considerate of others
4. Will work to support our family. Doesn’t have to be rich, just a steady worker to the best of his abilities.
5. Keeps the butter on the counter.

 

[BiologyBrain]

What do you think or believe is/are the most important things in choosing a spouse?

I’d have to say respect 1st and foremost. Spouses have to respect themselves as well as each other.

How do you reconcile what you are seeking in a spouse with what you are actually attracted to?

I take it you’re talking physical attraction vs. spiritual attraction. I don’t think its necessary b/c if you’re really seeking a spouse who is spiritually attractive to you, their spirit will make them physically attractive as well.

Suppose a person is physically attracted to certain traits but those people never have or have very little of what one seeks in a spouse?

I think alot of times that should actually be considered lustfully based. If you’re only attracted to someone physically, but know their not spiritually attractive, there’s a disconnect. It would be a lie to yourself & them to try to subvert that.

Is physical attraction most important?
Shared faith?
Shared hobbies? Likes and dislikes?

As I said above, I think spiritual attraction leads to physical attraction. I’m going to have to go with mutual and self respect again as being the most important thing to look for in a mate.

What if one finds a person who they seem so perfect with, but that person is not of the same religion or is of the same religion but in name only?

I’m not sure I understand where you’re going or coming from w/ this question. If they only seem perfect physically, that’s the problem. If spiritually (actual beliefs/morals/etc) they are perfect, then difference in religion shouldn’t matter as much (although it does make things much more complicated sometimes).

As I understand, one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other get to heaven.

Sort of. Actually marriage is the best way for man & woman to be like Christ to one another. That should lead each to Heaven. At least that’s how I understand it.

People change throughout their lives. Looks change. Hobbies and interests change, likes and dislikes sometimes change. So, what in a marriage changes, whether immediately or over time? And maybe more importantly, what in a marriage never or almost never changes?

I think everything in marriage changes except perhaps respect for oneself & one’s spouse. Even the respect should only get greater if the marriage is truly blessed and lasting.

The reason I use respect as opposed to religion or morality is because even those can change or differ between spouses. However, if one’s spouse respects themselves & the other, true unity can be established even w/ disparity of cult. It may be more difficult (trust me, it IS), but its not impossible.