The real truth about my sex life - HELP

[Xantippe]

I’m not sure what in the OP’s post gave you the impression that the OP’s husband feels that sex is “everything” in marriage. On the contrary, she’s affirmed him significantly in the other areas of their marriage.

Absolutely, men have to recognize the overwhelming nature of infant care and it’s effects on a wife’s capacity for further physical touch affection after a long day. But relationships are TWO way streets, eh?

If there’s a problem indicated in the post, it doesn’t seem to be that the man sees sex as “everything” in marriage. It’s that the wife sees it as NOTHING in the marriage. Read it again and see for yourself.

Some have alluded to making some “you” time. That’s how he can help the most. Dad gets home from work, baby gets fed then Mom heads off to Starbuck’s (they got decaf, no?) with a book for an hour and a half. Nobody touches you, nobody cries or comes whining to you. Just escape into a book world for a precious hour and a half (assuming baby nurses every couple hours).

Good ideas for creating a break between kid time and husband time.

I would point out, though, that the OP says:

“His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting?”

Hence, his unhappiness is not caused by there not being sex, his unhappiness is caused by her lack of real enthusiasm.

I think that’s a mistake on his part. He can either 1) abstain or 2) accept his wife’s best effort. I think it is fair, though, for him to ask her not to fake enthusiasm she doesn’t feel, because it must be disquieting to realize that she is attempting to deceive him.

 

[PaulinVA]

This is a situation that plays out in marriage after marriage. It’s almost a cliche. It’s very real, though. There are many threads from both genders on this forum about this topic.

So, the real thing is this. How each spouse deals with this has the possibility of enhancing love and deepening the marital bond, or, on the other hand, of creating deeply-held resentments that are hard to overcome. Tread lightly and don’t only think of yourself.

 

[PaulGH]

“His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting?”

Hence, his unhappiness is not caused by there not being sex, his unhappiness is caused by her lack of real enthusiasm.

I think that’s a mistake on his part. He can either 1) abstain or 2) accept his wife’s best effort. I think it is fair, though, for him to ask her not to fake enthusiasm she doesn’t feel, because it must be disquieting to realize that she is attempting to deceive him.

I agree. Excellent point. From my own life, I will say that I have rarely felt more loved by my wife than when she has made time to be intimate with me, at a time when it was the last thing in the world that she wanted to do. I think that it would help if the OP’s husband would see it the same way.

 

[heidi_storage]

Hi OP,

Definitely, nursing and exhaustion can affect libido. I notice, though, that you say you haven’t really wanted sex since after your first baby was born. It sounds like this is rather more of a long-term problem (yes, I know you’ve been pregnant or nursing most of the time), and because of that, I would suggest talking about it with your OBGYN.

I think the other ideas about making time for just you and your husband are great. I hope you will enjoy your husband’s touch again; to me, three times a week doesn’t seem at all unreasonable, and it must really hurt for him to feel rejected.

 

[phillylawyer]

That is a great suggestion, thank you. We DO need to take more time for ourselves outside of the home/without kids. The baby can be left for a couple of hours - enough to run out for a meal. The problem is that babysitters are super expensive, and then to add that to eating out somewhere decent, it gets pricey. Still, we could do it a little more often.

I hear you. It can certainly cost money, although it doesn’t have to be super expensive. 3 hours of babysitting plus a 2 for $20 dinner at chilis (or food at a local diner) $60 bucks? Maybe a babysitting sharing program with local families to take turns and avoid that cost. Do you have any family that lives nearby and could watch the kids?

That $60 is certainly not nothing, but if you did that twice a month, I guarantee your relationship (in all it’s different facets) with your husband would improve, and $120 a month for a better relationship and sex life. I bet there are few couples that wouldn’t take that.

You definitely sound like a wonderful, hard working mom and a wife who genuinely loves and cares about her husband. That’s great.

It is important that life activities of kids, and house cleaning, and work and yes, even, getting all the kids ready and going to mass don’t get in the way of just having fun with the one person in the entire world you chose to spend the rest of your life with and enjoy life together with (and chose you for the same reason). I’m sure it’s a financial sacrifice to get out twice a month with your husband, but marriage (and eternal rewards) are definitely worth it. Your husband is worth it. You’re worth it!

God bless you!

 

[UbiCaritas]

OP, while nursing didn’t effect me in the way you describe, I could have written your first post in months 2-3 of pregnancy. It was pretty shocking to me because I’ve always had a pretty strong drive, so to go from that to “urgh, no, could we just not do that again for a little while? Say, a decade or three?” was surprising to say the least. And it had nothing to do with DH, and everything to do with my insane hormones.

I second others’ suggestions of trying to get an evening away (or at home with the kids away–that might be even better) for a date night. Get a dinner you’ll both enjoy and a bottle of wine. Make sure you get some pampering time first: a bath, a shower, a manicure…whatever makes you feel best about yourself. Then talk. Explain clearly how the hormones are affecting you. Clarify again, even though I’m sure you have in the past, what a wonderful husband and father he is, and how much you appreciate his efforts both in and out of the bedroom. Discuss with him the pros and cons of continuing nursing for another three months, and see which of you feels more strongly about it and why.

I mention nursing because it can affect this kind of thing, but you say that you’ve felt this way since your first was born. Could stopping nursing so that your cycle will resume and using NFP strictly help, in that you’ll be pretty sure that you won’t get pregnant again until you can handle it? Or continuing nursing, but using the Marquette breastfeeding NFP protocol, which is a lot easier to deal with, from what I understand, than most postpartum NFP methods? It does require buying a monitor and sticks, but it’s also 98% effective with perfect use and doesn’t rely on mucus, which, as you know, I’m sure, can be pretty inconsistent postpartum.

Be gentle with yourself. This can be a rough time, and the important thing is to work as a team with your husband to get through it. It sounds like you’re already doing that, and that’s more than half the battle!

 

[LongingSoul]

Good ideas for creating a break between kid time and husband time.

I would point out, though, that the OP says:

“His sex drive is pretty high and he believes that sex is absolutely integral to a healthy marriage. He does not like feeling that he is “raping” me when I am not enjoying the sex. He wants me to like it. I can’t. I try. I do try to act and pretend for his sake. But he sees right through the falseness, and then feels like he is using my body to masturbate himself. How can I make myself want something that seems so off-putting?”

Hence, his unhappiness is not caused by there not being sex, his unhappiness is caused by her lack of real enthusiasm.

I think that’s a mistake on his part. He can either 1) abstain or 2) accept his wife’s best effort. I think it is fair, though, for him to ask her not to fake enthusiasm she doesn’t feel, because it must be disquieting to realize that she is attempting to deceive him.

Exactly! I’m surprised every time by my hostile reaction to men who want their wives to be as enthusiastic as a childless filly everytime he wants sex. To say that it feels like he is ‘raping’ her if she doesn’t give him the premium performance is disgraceful manipulation. No wonder young women feel so pressured into putting out for men before marriage. My daughter was lamenting recently that if you don’t put out you won’t get a boyfriend and she doesn’t want to put out and is sadly prepared to wait for the very rare respectful fish in the ocean … if any are left in existence.

There are times in most marriages where sex is off the table for one reason or another. It’s ridiculous to say that this will cause marriage breakdown or divorce. Perhaps if the man is so selfish that those time present a deal breaker to him, then the wife is better off without him!

 

[Xantippe]

Exactly! I’m surprised every time by my hostile reaction to men who want their wives to be as enthusiastic as a childless filly everytime he wants sex. To say that it feels like he is ‘raping’ her if she doesn’t give him the premium performance is disgraceful manipulation. No wonder young women feel so pressured into putting out for men before marriage. My daughter was lamenting recently that if you don’t put out you won’t get a boyfriend and she doesn’t want to put out and is sadly prepared to wait for the very rare respectful fish in the ocean … if any are left in existence.

There are times in most marriages where sex is off the table for one reason or another. It’s ridiculous to say that this will cause marriage breakdown or divorce. Perhaps if the man is so selfish that those time present a deal breaker to him, then the wife is better off without him!

The OP’s husband is a good guy, but he shouldn’t accidentally give his wife the impression that he’s the East German judge at the Sex Olympics.

 

[PaulinVA]

There are times in most marriages where sex is off the table for one reason or another. It’s ridiculous to say that this will cause marriage breakdown or divorce. Perhaps if the man is so selfish that those time present a deal breaker to him, then the wife is better off without him!

Let me ask you a question. I forget if you are married or not, but, I see you are a women.

If your husband told you that he just couldn’t do the one thing that makes you feel closest to him, and he would be fine if he never did it again. Whatever that is for you, he “took it off the table”. How would you feel?

 

[LongingSoul]

Let me ask you a question. I forget if you are married or not, but, I see you are a women.

If your husband told you that he just couldn’t do the one thing that makes you feel closest to him, and he would be fine if he never did it again. Whatever that is for you, he “took it off the table”. How would you feel?

Did the OP say that she was not going to ever have sex again?

However not that I want to start a discussion of my life, but due to what I suspect is an autistic trait (our 3 children were diagnosed somewhere on the autism spectrum as children, one more recently)… my husband has never said ‘I love you’… doesn’t show any affection in the way of hugs, handholding etc. and doesn’t spoil me or esteem me in any way as a woman. This has been a 26 year marriage. It is terribly difficult for me but I have found some comfort in my spiritual life with Ignatian contemplation and monthly meetings with a spiritual director. I have accepted this as my cross and will continue to walk with that cross until death do us part. I did contemplate divorce because it is such a deep longing in me to be loved with intimacy and affection… but I have chosen to stay with my vow and rely on God.

 

[phillylawyer]

Let me ask you a question. I forget if you are married or not, but, I see you are a women.

If your husband told you that he just couldn’t do the one thing that makes you feel closest to him, and he would be fine if he never did it again. Whatever that is for you, he “took it off the table”. How would you feel?

Both spouses have to be flexible and give a little bit on this. The one spouse that is feeling less interested in sex should definitely make an effort to be open to their spouse’s advances. On the other hand, the spouse that is more interest should definitely be understanding and patient and realize that sex isn’t his or her right to just demand. There are a lot of factors that go into something that intimate.

Particular when the spouse who is more interested in sex is the man, he should be especially patient and understanding of a wife who has made the huge sacrifice to carry and nurture children. A man can never fully understand the sacrifice that goes into that and how that affects a woman’s sex drive.

I agree with PaulinVA that it is very hard on the husband to be constantly rebuffed and the wife should be sensitive to that. But, the husband also needs to be Christ-like and realize that there are times (whether for a week, a month or a year) when sex is not possible. Sure it’s hard, but is it any hard than the sacrifice asked of priests or single men and women?

 

[PaulinVA]

LongingSoul, I’m sorry I asked you something that was painful. That wasn’t my intent.

 

[mommamaree]

I think many posters have overlooked the fact that the OP has not been denying her husband sex. She clearly states that she is still having sex with her husband, but that she really doesn’t want to, and despite her best efforts to please him, he can tell that she is not into it, and THAT is what he finds so hurtful.
It is understandable for both of them. She struggles but wants to please him; he wants her to want him like he wants her. It is a real problem, but it is not the same as her denying him.

That is why I suggested “reframing” in my response early in the thread. Reframing allows a person to view a challenging situation through a different perspective. When we do this, we are often able to overcome our problems with less anguish and difficulty.

My suggestion is that she internalize the truth that sexual relations is a gift for HER. I used to get so touched out that I felt similarly to her, until one day, after much reading and talking with my husband, the reality struck me: sexual relations is for ME, too. I wasn’t expected to give, give, give until I was sucked dry and cast off. That was a lie I was tempted to believe. I give all day long, pregnant, nursing, homeschooling, mothering. When my husband and I have alone time at the end of the day, it is time for him to refill my emotional tank, so I can do it all over again the next day. Our alone time was transformed once I let him meet my needs. Our time at the end of everyday is so special now. Talking, cuddling, sometimes sharing a late dinner or a dessert, all of it connects us instead of dividing us (like my old fears of if something was going to be expected of me).
That is why I offered a pep talk. Other people might have specific advice that is helpful (although I am skeptical about date night, because for a larger family with babies, date night is prohibitively expensive and stressful, which is why my husband and I do a regular movie night or game night at home instead, with the kids hurried off to bed early). I just want to really urge the idea that reframing this situation, viewing sexual relations as something her husband can give to her, could be transformative.
I hope it helps! God bless!

 

[Xantippe]

I think many posters have overlooked the fact that the OP has not been denying her husband sex. She clearly states that she is still having sex with her husband, but that she really doesn’t want to, and despite her best efforts to please him, he can tell that she is not into it, and THAT is what he finds so hurtful.
It is understandable for both of them. She struggles but wants to please him; he wants her to want him like he wants her. It is a real problem, but it is not the same as her denying him.

That is why I suggested “reframing” in my response early in the thread. Reframing allows a person to view a challenging situation through a different perspective. When we do this, we are often able to overcome our problems with less anguish and difficulty.

My suggestion is that she internalize the truth that sexual relations is a gift for HER. I used to get so touched out that I felt similarly to her, until one day, after much reading and talking with my husband, the reality struck me: sexual relations is for ME, too. I wasn’t expected to give, give, give until I was sucked dry and cast off. That was a lie I was tempted to believe. I give all day long, pregnant, nursing, homeschooling, mothering. When my husband and I have alone time at the end of the day, it is time for him to refill my emotional tank, so I can do it all over again the next day. Our alone time was transformed once I let him meet my needs. Our time at the end of everyday is so special now. Talking, cuddling, sometimes sharing a late dinner or a dessert, all of it connects us instead of dividing us (like my old fears of if something was going to be expected of me).
That is why I offered a pep talk. Other people might have specific advice that is helpful (although I am skeptical about date night, because for a larger family with babies, date night is prohibitively expensive and stressful, which is why my husband and I do a regular movie night or game night at home instead, with the kids hurried off to bed early). I just want to really urge the idea that reframing this situation, viewing sexual relations as something her husband can give to her, could be transformative.
I hope it helps! God bless!

Awww!

Very sweet.

 

[LongingSoul]

LongingSoul, I’m sorry I asked you something that was painful. That wasn’t my intent.

(no worries)

 

[phillylawyer]

I think many posters have overlooked the fact that the OP has not been denying her husband sex. She clearly states that she is still having sex with her husband, but that she really doesn’t want to, and despite her best efforts to please him, he can tell that she is not into it, and THAT is what he finds so hurtful.
It is understandable for both of them. She struggles but wants to please him; he wants her to want him like he wants her. It is a real problem, but it is not the same as her denying him.

That is why I suggested “reframing” in my response early in the thread. Reframing allows a person to view a challenging situation through a different perspective. When we do this, we are often able to overcome our problems with less anguish and difficulty.

My suggestion is that she internalize the truth that sexual relations is a gift for HER. I used to get so touched out that I felt similarly to her, until one day, after much reading and talking with my husband, the reality struck me: sexual relations is for ME, too. I wasn’t expected to give, give, give until I was sucked dry and cast off. That was a lie I was tempted to believe. I give all day long, pregnant, nursing, homeschooling, mothering. When my husband and I have alone time at the end of the day, it is time for him to refill my emotional tank, so I can do it all over again the next day. Our alone time was transformed once I let him meet my needs. Our time at the end of everyday is so special now. Talking, cuddling, sometimes sharing a late dinner or a dessert, all of it connects us instead of dividing us (like my old fears of if something was going to be expected of me).
That is why I offered a pep talk. Other people might have specific advice that is helpful (although I am skeptical about date night, because for a larger family with babies, date night is prohibitively expensive and stressful, which is why my husband and I do a regular movie night or game night at home instead, with the kids hurried off to bed early). I just want to really urge the idea that reframing this situation, viewing sexual relations as something her husband can give to her, could be transformative.
I hope it helps! God bless!

Excellent advice.

“Date night” doesn’t have to involve going out somewhere expensive. Date night can certainly be staying at home doing movies or games or even throwing water balloons at each other (whatever each couple likes and brings out the fun and joyful part of their relationship). But, it DOES need to be without the kids, on a regular basis. Of course it is difficult, especially with little kids, but it’s absolutely necessary, even (especially for the kids).

 

[mommamaree]

Excellent advice.

“Date night” doesn’t have to involve going out somewhere expensive. Date night can certainly be staying at home doing movies or games or even throwing water balloons at each other (whatever each couple likes and brings out the fun and joyful part of their relationship). But, it DOES need to be without the kids, on a regular basis. Of course it is difficult, especially with little kids, but it’s absolutely necessary, even (especially for the kids).

Yes! With our kids, we now have years of explaining and enforcing “Mommy Daddy Date Night”. They know that means quick dinner for them (sandwiches or cereal) and off to bed with their reading lamp or wind-up flashlight and books or quiet little toys. Even our last two babies have gotten it quickly, because we have this history since their birth.
The kids are allowed to read or play quietly in their bed, and are allowed to go to the bathroom, but are not allowed to play with each other or be loud, and they know they MUST. NOT. COME. OUT!
So, my husband and I get one night each weekend to watch a movie or play our favorite board games, enjoy a grown up meal or heavy appetizer, with wine when I am not pregnant, and be mostly free to just enjoy each other. It is heavenly for us and we see that it is good for the kids to see their parents still pursuing each other and acting like a silly love-struck couple now and then. Whenever other obligations threaten to encroach upon our “date night at home” we actually prioritize date night higher than other obligations, because we fear that if we give it up, it would be a slow march to marital unhappiness. We guard it very carefully.

 

[phillylawyer]

Yes! With our kids, we now have years of explaining and enforcing “Mommy Daddy Date Night”. They know that means quick dinner for them (sandwiches or cereal) and off to bed with their reading lamp or wind-up flashlight and books or quiet little toys. Even our last two babies have gotten it quickly, because we have this history since their birth.
The kids are allowed to read or play quietly in their bed, and are allowed to go to the bathroom, but are not allowed to play with each other or be loud, and they know they MUST. NOT. COME. OUT!
So, my husband and I get one night each weekend to watch a movie or play our favorite board games, enjoy a grown up meal or heavy appetizer, with wine when I am not pregnant, and be mostly free to just enjoy each other. It is heavenly for us and we see that it is good for the kids to see their parents still pursuing each other and acting like a silly love-struck couple now and then. Whenever other obligations threaten to encroach upon our “date night at home” we actually prioritize date night higher than other obligations, because we fear that if we give it up, it would be a slow march to marital unhappiness. We guard it very carefully.

Awesome. Very inspiring!

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yes! With our kids, we now have years of explaining and enforcing “Mommy Daddy Date Night”. They know that means quick dinner for them (sandwiches or cereal) and off to bed with their reading lamp or wind-up flashlight and books or quiet little toys. Even our last two babies have gotten it quickly, because we have this history since their birth.
The kids are allowed to read or play quietly in their bed, and are allowed to go to the bathroom, but are not allowed to play with each other or be loud, and they know they MUST. NOT. COME. OUT!
So, my husband and I get one night each weekend to watch a movie or play our favorite board games, enjoy a grown up meal or heavy appetizer, with wine when I am not pregnant, and be mostly free to just enjoy each other. It is heavenly for us and we see that it is good for the kids to see their parents still pursuing each other and acting like a silly love-struck couple now and then. Whenever other obligations threaten to encroach upon our “date night at home” we actually prioritize date night higher than other obligations, because we fear that if we give it up, it would be a slow march to marital unhappiness. We guard it very carefully.

This is awesome! I think I may suggest this to DH…great idea.

Also, I love your take on sex being not about giving always, but also about receiving. That’s the way I see it. I do need some space to get into that mindset, though. If I have spitup in my hair, some sort of unidentifiable green substance on my sleeve, and have been wrangling a clingy, fussy baby all day, that’s not a switch I can flip until I’ve had a bit of breathing room. For me, the best way to handle it is to tell DH, “I’m grabbing a shower. There’s a bottle of wine in the cupboard. Why don’t you chill it in the fridge for twenty minutes, and then pour a couple of glasses and meet me in the bedroom?” That gives me time to have a relaxing shower, primp for a minute or two, and go from “mama” mode to “wife” mode.

OP, I’m guessing from the timing that the answer to this is probably “no,” but have you had a break between kids that’s at least 6-12 months of regular cycles and not nursing? The reason I ask is that if you’ve been either nursing, pregnant, or recovering from one of the two ever since kid #1 was born, that may be a HUGE part of why it’s been this long since you enjoyed things.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

How is that helpful, other than to satisfy a need to brag about how speedily one has reproduced?

The “winking” icon at the end doesn’t diminish the smug content of the comment.

Three children in under six years is pretty rapid baby-making, whether that is the “norm” for you, or not.

I am sorry you took offense to it though it was not directed at you.

In my area, 3 under six really is the norm. Not “a lot” or speedy reproduction, or “rapid baby making” all of which are rather crude terms anyway. We have been blessed by God to have 5 children. We do not see it as baby making, or speedy reproduction. Just a blessing of a human life that God entrusted us with.

If you found that post somehow something you need to attack or defend then I am sorry, that is not how it was meant. But it is the “norm” in these parts. I am sorry it is not the norm everywhere.