The real truth about my sex life - HELP

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MusherMaggie said:
Self-control is also a gift from God. We are not merely animals.
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No, we’re not. And because we’re not animals we know things like that sex releases pair bonding hormones and chemicals. We know there are myriad health benefits to sex both mentally and physically. So, we know that a healthy sex life is important in a marriage.

We may have self control, but denying a spouse and ourselves the healthy benefits of sex and pair bonding is not a good thing. Even if we are experiencing a slump in sexual desire and satisfaction it is (or should be) a duty and obligation of marriage to fix, as soon as humanely possible, whatever problems are causing the slump.

.
 
Hey BusyMom!
Everyone is right about trying Natural Family Planning to delay another pregnancy, but pregnancy is not your problem. You are using it and the excuses about the children to avoid facing the fact that you no longer find your husband attractive. I can guarantee that there is someone in your life right now that you can think of that would really turn you on. Don’t be ashamed. This happens around year 7 in a marriage. I know you are at year nine, but we both know this has been a concern for a while.
Your husband is no longer turning you on because he is a good dedicated husband. This, unfortunately, will never get you in the mood to have sex. You said he works a lot, this is dangerous because it will offer you temptations that you will have a hard time saying no to. Please understand, this IS normal. It happens to many if not most women. Go get the book “Matting in Captivity”. It will give you some ideas about how to handle the emotions and the situation.
And get into counseling. If you do not, one of you will stray, or the marriage will deteriorate. Men need sex to feel love. If he has sex with you and you do not enjoy it, he will feel hurt, and slowly be destroyed by what feels like rejection.
It’s how he stays connected to you. I hope some of this helps.
 
XwhY said:
Hey BusyMom!
Everyone is right about trying Natural Family Planning to delay another pregnancy, but pregnancy is not your problem. You are using it and the excuses about the children to avoid facing the fact that you no longer find your husband attractive. I can guarantee that there is someone in your life right now that you can think of that would really turn you on. Don’t be ashamed. This happens around year 7 in a marriage. I know you are at year nine, but we both know this has been a concern for a while.
Your husband is no longer turning you on because he is a good dedicated husband. This, unfortunately, will never get you in the mood to have sex. You said he works a lot, this is dangerous because it will offer you temptations that you will have a hard time saying no to. Please understand, this IS normal. It happens to many if not most women. Go get the book “Matting in Captivity”. It will give you some ideas about how to handle the emotions and the situation.
And get into counseling. If you do not, one of you will stray, or the marriage will deteriorate. Men need sex to feel love. If he has sex with you and you do not enjoy it, he will feel hurt, and slowly be destroyed by what feels like rejection.
It’s how he stays connected to you. I hope some of this helps.
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Wow.

I take it you’re a guy? What would it take to convince you that during these hormonal downturns, women genuinely often have zero interest in sex, hate being touched, and have a lot of physiological stuff going on that makes sex uninteresting or painful.

ask.metafilter.com/191426/Will-my-libido-return-when-I-stop-breastfeeding

Quoting from that page:

“Post-baby, I have essentially no sex drive. I never think about sex. I never masturbate. I have almost no desire for my spouse. I actually think my drive has decreased over time: I was sometimes slightly interested in sex in the first six months after having our baby and didn’t mind having sex when my spouse wanted to. But now I have zero interest. I don’t remember why people have sex. It’s not fun. I really try to have sex when my spouse wants to, but at best it’s a somewhat uncomfortable activity. At worst I feel creeped out, like I’m being molested by unwanted sexual touch. (I feel awful even typing that.) And I have started to dread kissing.”

Think about it–female desire normally tracks pretty closely with the fertility cycle, peaking around ovulation. A woman who is not ovulating or who is ovulating irregularly doesn’t need to be having relationship problems or secret dreams of infidelity to make her not desire her husband–the juices may just (literally) not be flowing.
 
Xanti,
I would be willing to bet 100 dollars that she has had this concern for at least 2 years, and that it is not about the hormonal response to pregnancy. But you are welcome to pretend that it is, while she grows further away from her husband, instead of addressing what is really going on inside herself. Oh and in regards to that article, dreading being kissed or feeling molested by your husband has NOTHING TO DO WITH HORMONES. It is a cognitive problem brought on by being slightly disgusted with her husband because she no longer feels sexually attracted to him. It is normal, but not addressing it as a problem and labeling it as a symptom of the fertility cycle could hurt them.
 
XwhY said:
Xanti,
I would be willing to bet 100 dollars that she has had this concern for at least 2 years, and that it is not about the hormonal response to pregnancy.
But you are welcome to pretend that it is, while she grows further away from her husband, instead of addressing what is really going on inside herself. Oh and in regards to that article, dreading being kissed or feeling molested by your husband has NOTHING TO DO WITH HORMONES.

**That is actually well within the range of normal.

Normal can be weird.

**

It is a cognitive problem brought on by being slightly disgusted with her husband because she no longer feels sexually attracted to him. It is normal, but not addressing it as a problem and labeling it as a symptom of the fertility cycle could hurt them.
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A lack of libido could very well be normal. It’s normal to be tired as well. As for the feelings described in the OP, no, that is NOT normal at all. I am a mom of 8. I have been pregnant, nursing or both for the last 15+ years straight through. Yes, it’s exhausting. No, don’t always want sex. But never has my skin crawled because my husband touched me or any of the other things being passed off as normal on this thread. It is far from normal and the real reason behind it needs to be checked out and fixed. I’ve never met a woman in real life that has felt that way about a good and decent husband as the OP says her husband is. And I’m sure he is a good man, just as I’m sure the OP is a good woman. She deserves help, not told it’s normal and that in a few years she will probably get over it, but if not she should ask for help again. If a man described the exact same feelings towards his wife, no one would tell him it’s normal. Matter of fact most people would criticize a dr telling him to give himself a few years and by the time his youngest was 3-4 then he would feel better. If not he should go back again. That is ridiculous! Lack of sex drive does not equate skin crawling when thinking of sex. Exhaustion does not equate never ever ever wanting to have sex again. It is not normal or healthy for a couple to react this way to one another.

OP, if I were you I would get a second opinion, or a third, or a fourth, until a dr takes this seriously! Make sure you are honest and tell the whole realm of your disgust, not just about the lack of desire. You deserve a healthy marriage. In the mean time, spend time in prayer for your husband and your family. Add a time of prayer together WITH your husband as well, whether it be in the morning, or even better at night as you both lie down in bed together. I will pray for you and your marriage
 
bitterhope said:
A lack of libido could very well be normal. It’s normal to be tired as well. As for the feelings described in the OP, no, that is NOT normal at all. I am a mom of 8. I have been pregnant, nursing or both for the last 15+ years straight through. Yes, it’s exhausting. No, don’t always want sex. But never has my skin crawled because my husband touched me or any of the other things being passed off as normal on this thread. It is far from normal and the real reason behind it needs to be checked out and fixed. I’ve never met a woman in real life that has felt that way about a good and decent husband as the OP says her husband is. And I’m sure he is a good man, just as I’m sure the OP is a good woman. She deserves help, not told it’s normal and that in a few years she will probably get over it, but if not she should ask for help again. If a man described the exact same feelings towards his wife, no one would tell him it’s normal. Matter of fact most people would criticize a dr telling him to give himself a few years and by the time his youngest was 3-4 then he would feel better. If not he should go back again. That is ridiculous! Lack of sex drive does not equate skin crawling when thinking of sex. Exhaustion does not equate never ever ever wanting to have sex again. It is not normal or healthy for a couple to react this way to one another.

OP, if I were you I would get a second opinion, or a third, or a fourth, until a dr takes this seriously! Make sure you are honest and tell the whole realm of your disgust, not just about the lack of desire. You deserve a healthy marriage. In the mean time, spend time in prayer for your husband and your family. Add a time of prayer together WITH your husband as well, whether it be in the morning, or even better at night as you both lie down in bed together. I will pray for you and your marriage
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I have felt exactly that way before, just as part of the postpartum/breastfeeding hormonal situation. A year later, I was fine.

A second opinion might be a good idea, but what if what the OP really needs is rest and a break, not drugs? I would only go so far with the doctor shopping. If you look long enough, you can always find a doctor who will pursue a non-standard treatment program just to please a desperate patient and may do you more harm than good.
 
bitter hope,

I have felt exactly that way before, just as part of the postpartum/breastfeeding hormonal situation. A year later, I was fine.

I didn’t tell anybody at the time. I might not even have told my husband. It would not be unusual to a) have the feelings and b) not share them.

A second opinion might be a good idea, but what if what the OP really needs is rest and a break, not drugs? I would only go so far with the doctor shopping. If you look long enough, you can always find a doctor who will pursue a non-standard treatment program just to please a desperate patient and may do you more harm than good.
 
Oops–accidental semi-duplicate post.

The second one is the more complete one.

Sorry!
 
I can’t remember exactly what my timeline was for feeling better, but I do recall feeling fantastic soon after my 3-year-old finally started preschool (the baby was about 6 months old at the time).
 
Problems are never normal. I’ve experienced many things and feelings through out my life, but just because I went through something does not make it normal. When something causes a wedge between spouses it is not normal–it is a problem that must be fixed as soon as possible. Seeking out help to fix a problem is not doctor shopping or seeking medication. Most problems can be fixed without medication–behavior changes and changing your way of thinking is much more likely to fix a problem of this nature than pills. Only on CAF could anyone promote the idea that neglecting, rejecting, feeling disgusted by, or pulling away emotionally from your spouse or children is in any way whatsoever normal. Who cares if some others experience something similar or if you have. That does not make it normal. Many people experience anxiety, depression, infidelity, anger problems, etc. none of which should ever be considered normal at all. And honestly, spouses and children can tell with no trouble at all when they are an emotional burden or seen as disgusting. It doesn’t need to be verbalized. It’s not even difficult for most strangers to notice when this occurs. Look at all the families that fall apart and whose children suffer life long problems due to the emotional distance between the parents or the parents and kids. It is very much a real problem that needs to be solved. Calling it normal just perpetuates the myth of Catholics being miserable, cold, uncaring, sex oppressive-by-choice, forced into a miserable life of baby making, etc. I’ve noticed this happens a lot on CAF.
 
bitterhope said:
Problems are never normal.
I’ve experienced many things and feelings through out my life, but just because I went through something does not make it normal. When something causes a wedge between spouses it is not normal–it is a problem that must be fixed as soon as possible. Seeking out help to fix a problem is not doctor shopping or seeking medication. Most problems can be fixed without medication–behavior changes and changing your way of thinking is much more likely to fix a problem of this nature than pills.

**Or taking a break from pregnancy and breastfeeding and getting regular chunks of non-mom time.
**

I was feeling pretty blue, stressed and overwhelmed a month or so ago, finding myself falling further and further behind on pretty much everything. Then I scraped up the funds and put my youngest into parents’ day out once a week (one 5.5 hour day) and within a few weeks, I was suddenly feeling 100X better. It was like night and day. I’m still not caught up with everything I need to do (about 6 weeks behind on fiddly school emails), but even though I’m not caught up, I feel so much better about everything.

**People need time off now and then. We’re not machines–we can’t keep running day and night with no breaks. (Heck, even machines get regularly scheduled maintenance.) **

Only on CAF could anyone promote the idea that neglecting, rejecting, feeling disgusted by, or pulling away emotionally from your spouse or children is in any way whatsoever normal. Who cares if some others experience something similar or if you have. That does not make it normal. Many people experience anxiety, depression, infidelity, anger problems, etc. none of which should ever be considered normal at all. And honestly, spouses and children can tell with no trouble at all when they are an emotional burden or seen as disgusting. It doesn’t need to be verbalized. It’s not even difficult for most strangers to notice when this occurs. Look at all the families that fall apart and whose children suffer life long problems due to the emotional distance between the parents or the parents and kids. It is very much a real problem that needs to be solved. Calling it normal just perpetuates the myth of Catholics being miserable, cold, uncaring, sex oppressive-by-choice, forced into a miserable life of baby making, etc. I’ve noticed this happens a lot on CAF.
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Actually, I think a lot of spouses (particularly husbands) don’t notice stuff at all unless it’s painted in three-foot-tall black letters on the garage door. How often do we hear people say, “I had no idea!” when it was something that was as clear as the nose on their face?

Lots of people have very little emotional intuition and quite a few fairly intelligent people can’t understand things no matter how often they are told.
 
Adjusting behavior and thinking works. If people see they are falling behind, check out what’s setting you behind. If you have time to post on a regular basis on an Internet forum then you have more than adequate time to stay caught up on emails. If motherhood is overwhelming and causing stress, look at the way you interact with your children and adjust discipline methods, activities, or whatever is the cause of stress and rectify the situation. If you are touched out at the end of the day, give kids to dad in the evening and sit in your room for a while with no one allowed around. But the most common cause of stress in moms is the thinking that goes on in our own heads. If we view our life as endless sacrifice and self deprivation, we feel run down and lonely. If we view our home as endless turmoil, it spirals out of control. If we think of how much needs to get down, things pile up. So, when we readjust our thinking, life becomes more peaceful and easier. Instead of looking at our own sacrifices and self deprivation, when we focus on how much our spouses sacrifice for us (job, 15 mins with kids so we can shower, taking out the garbage, whatever) and deprive themselves (older car, bagging a lunch, worn out shoes…), our giving becomes less of a hardship and more of a partnership so the lonely begins to go away as well. If instead if focussing on the turmoil, we begin seeing what we can learn from it, instead of chaos we see opportunities. My husband calls fighting building bridges–it’s not seen as a horrible thing when our kids nitpick each other because it helps them create unbreakable bonds with one another. Unless it is knock-down-drag-out fighting or horrendous name calling, we never step in. They find the way to work it out themselves. Thinking of all the things that need to get done is a great way to become overwhelmed and stressed beyond belief. Instead focus on and CELEBRATE all the small, seemingly insignificant victories throughout the day, such as washing two dishes, swept one room, read half a book to the baby, washed a load of clothes–because as we start seeing what we are able to do we become more productive overall. Everyone goes through times where we get overwhelmed and stressed. Believe me, raising 8 kids, losing twins a few months ago, and having a husband that is gone 75% of the time is a recipe for disaster unless I purposely set forth and surrender to what God’s Will for me is each and every day. If I don’t purposely set out to find the joy that is waiting to be discovered I become bogged down quickly. If I don’t make my needs and desires known to my kids and my husband, I get overwhelmed and resentful. Honestly, I am naturally a pessimist and a very negative thinker. I’ve had to retrain myself to seek out the positives and become more optimistic. I’ve had to force myself to become more extroverted even though by nature I am a very shy introvert. I could easily spend all my time reading a book or writing quietly alone in the mountains with no one around for a thousand miles, but as a most of the time single mom of many, that is not going to happen. By focussing on what my kids do for me and letting them know that if mom goes in her room and closes the door then no one is allowed to disturb her instead of how much I give to them, things become joyful. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with anxiety when my husband is in harm’s way, but by reminding myself that anxiety and fear do NOT come from God, it gets easier to cling to hope instead. Not everyone has the option of babysitters, preschool, time away from kids and all those things are a short term fixes anyway, but readjusting thought processes and behaviors are long term cures.
 
bitterhope said:
Adjusting behavior and thinking works. If people see they are falling behind, check out what’s setting you behind. If you have time to post on a regular basis on an Internet forum then you have more than adequate time to stay caught up on emails.

**Not exactly.

The stuff I get behind on is the stuff with names and dates and times and addresses and phone numbers and forms and particular people to be called at particular times. As I said, it’s very fiddly, and even under the best of circumstances, I find it very stressful. Plus, a 2-year-old does not combine well with mom’s papers and sticky notes–I need to keep her as far as possible from my papers as I can manage, so I don’t bring that stuff into her spaces. I have a lot of trouble doing clerical type stuff with any distractions around me at all. Now and then before we did the parents’ day out thing, when things started to go critical, I’d ask my husband to take the 2-year-old for an hour or so I could do clerical and then I’d work like a mad woman for a solid hour (phone calls, emails, etc.), but then at the end of it, I’d just be exploding with the stress (I hate the stuff) and then my husband would wonder, why should he bother to help me when it obviously made me crabby? The having to carefully schedule in order to get an hour so that I could kill myself with clerical work and then go back to my normal responsibilities was not a good situation for my family. Plus, if my husband was with the 2-year-old while I worked, then he probably couldn’t be doing something important he needed to be doing.

It’s SO much better to know that I can take baby to parents’ day out every week for 5.5 hours, do some email, do some phone calls, and also get a hair cut and my flu shot and get to the optometrist and get a mammogram or see the doctor by myself and it not require elaborate strategizing and planning (which, given the backed up email situation, would just add immensely to my stress level). I’m still not caught up (and I’m pretty sure there isn’t such a thing), but my stress level is so much healthier. (Although I have to say that this particular conversation is spiking it. Just thinking about life before parents’ day out makes me want to reach for a paper bag to breathe into. I was getting into a really bad way and a lot of important basic self-care was not happening.)

I nap during the 2-year-old’s nap whenever I can, so that time is unavailable. And then in the evening (like now), when I have free time after the kids are in bed, I’m fried. Good enough for CAF, but not good enough for figuring out diplomatic phrasing for school emails or figuring out a schedule. It’s relatively easy to knock out a CAF post with my 2-year-old trying to crawl all over me in her playroom (I’m supposed to be showing her cat videos on my laptop instead) or in the kitchen while feeding her waffles with peanut butter or in the kitchen, encouraging the big kids to get ready for school and have something for breakfast between CAF posts. When I’m on CAF, I’m almost always either fried or multi-tasking. As you can see from my post count, I’m fried and/or multi-tasking pretty often.
**

If motherhood is overwhelming and causing stress, look at the way you interact with your children and adjust discipline methods, activities, or whatever is the cause of stress and rectify the situation.

**I am rectifying the situation by having my 2-year-old in PDO one day a week and I will do so as long as she stays healthy and I can afford it.

I am an introvert. I need some peace and quiet and solitude. Being around people all the time (even people that I love) exhausts and depletes me.

Here’s my new favorite cartoon:

themetapicture.com/how-to-interact-with-the-introverted/**

Not everyone has the option of babysitters, preschool, time away from kids and all those things are a short term fixes anyway, but readjusting thought processes and behaviors are long term cures.
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But if one can actually change one’s exterior environment in a positive way (babysitter, preschool, time alone in room, household help, date night, etc.), why not do that?. Heck, a single medical primary care copay costs as much as two hours of babysitting or a whole day of parents’ day out and a specialist copay would (on our insurance) cost as much as two days of PDO. Not to mention other medical costs that would come up in the course of a more detailed medical investigation. (I had to go to the ER in the middle of the night a few months ago with chest pains–boy howdy was that an expensive wild goose chase! I think I remember that one of our bills for that was $700 bucks–that would cover about a year of once-a-week PDO in our area.)

Plus, a lot of people would need the help of a therapist or psychologist to change their mental processes, which would involve copays and deductibles and babysitters and scheduling, etc., etc. All in all, that’s got to be way more expensive than just going with preschool or PDO or a babysitter. Not that it isn’t an excellent idea in many cases, but “readjusting thought processes” is far more easily said than done and is often not a good DIY project.
 
bitterhope said:
Problems are never normal. I’ve experienced many things and feelings through out my life, but just because I went through something does not make it normal. When something causes a wedge between spouses it is not normal–it is a problem that must be fixed as soon as possible. Seeking out help to fix a problem is not doctor shopping or seeking medication. Most problems can be fixed without medication–behavior changes and changing your way of thinking is much more likely to fix a problem of this nature than pills. Only on CAF could anyone promote the idea that neglecting, rejecting, feeling disgusted by, or pulling away emotionally from your spouse or children is in any way whatsoever normal. Who cares if some others experience something similar or if you have. That does not make it normal. Many people experience anxiety, depression, infidelity, anger problems, etc. none of which should ever be considered normal at all. And honestly, spouses and children can tell with no trouble at all when they are an emotional burden or seen as disgusting. It doesn’t need to be verbalized. It’s not even difficult for most strangers to notice when this occurs. Look at all the families that fall apart and whose children suffer life long problems due to the emotional distance between the parents or the parents and kids. It is very much a real problem that needs to be solved. Calling it normal just perpetuates the myth of Catholics being miserable, cold, uncaring, sex oppressive-by-choice, forced into a miserable life of baby making, etc. I’ve noticed this happens a lot on CAF.
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Can I just say I think there’s different meanings of the word normal going on here?

As someone with depression/anxiety, it meant the world to hear that what I was going through was normal. Not that it meant for a minute that it wasn’t something to be dealt with, oh no. But that it was a thing that happened to other people, that other people struggled with and had ideas about and even had gotten through. It didn’t mean there was something freakishly wrong with me and my life.
 
DarkLight said:
Can I just say I think there’s different meanings of the word normal going on here?

As someone with depression/anxiety, it meant the world to hear that what I was going through was normal. Not that it meant for a minute that it wasn’t something to be dealt with, oh no. But that it was a thing that happened to other people, that other people struggled with and had ideas about and even had gotten through. It didn’t mean there was something freakishly wrong with me and my life.
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Yes–that’s exactly what I meant.

There are good and bad normals.

For instance, I try to always tell women who are struggling with a toddler and a baby that their experience is normal. It’s normal for it to be really hard, and finding it hard doesn’t mean that you are a freak or a weakling or a bad mom. That’s not to say that the situation can’t be materially improved by doing this or that with schedule or medical care or any number of little tricks, but it can be helpful to recognize that one is dealing with an inherently difficult situation rather than being merely fundamentally and irredeemably flawed oneself.
 
Yes, motherhood is hard. No one denies that. Going so far to say that it is normal to allow yourself to becoming bogged down and disgusted by your spouse is NOT acceptable. People need to realize that hard is not the same as should be avoided. Doing things we don’t care for does not give us license to grumble and complain. Allowing anxieties and stress to overwhelm is not healthy. Short term fixes are only temporary. In order to get to a point that these troubles stop happening, steps must be taken to remedy the thought processes that get us to that point to begin with. Doing things we don’t enjoy should bring a sense of accomplishment instead of causing misery. Trying to control every aspect of our own lives and our own futures instead of allowing God’s plan for us to unfold is exhausting. God did not intend for things to be nearly as hard as we make them out to be.

When people believe that it is normal to feel/behave/react in negative ways, often times they take that as permission to continue on the same path without working towards a solution. Life being hard? Yes, that is normal. Being disgusted by the touch of your spouse? Major problem. In order to fix a problem of this nature instead of simply placing a bandaid over it, thought processes and behaviors must change. If they don’t, throughout life a person is going to continuously become bogged down each and every time life throws them a curve ball. God did not want this for us. He loves us and wants us to feel the joy and peace His love brings. Let go of all the worldly stress and let God be in control.
 
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