The sin of detraction in the age of social media

[Gordon_Sims]

This has been on my mind for a few weeks now. I need to give a little background before getting to my point. I have a family member who has always treated my wife terribly because she was a teenage mother when I met her. This family member, with no actual information to go on, has made countless allusions over the years to my wife’s promiscuity and loose morals, and has always looked down on her for it (she treats her poorly for other reasons as well, but this is one of the bigger ones).

We spent years turning the other cheek because we didn’t want to interfere with family harmony, but several things have recently pushed us past our breaking point and we are now doing our best to avoid certain people. While discussing this with another family member, I began venting my frustration over the whole situation. I brought this issue up in particular and how it was one of the more bothersome thorns in my side. The thing that really digs at me is the hypocrisy of it all. My wife clearly wasn’t a virgin when we met, but she also wasn’t promiscuous, and certainly not to the degree this family member has claimed over the years. However, several months ago, this family member was comparing notes about her own past with a friend on Facebook. She revealed that, just in high school, she had slept with at least a couple dozen guys (that she could remember, anyway), and had done other acts with an untold number more. It shocked me not only because she had gotten around to such a degree, but that she would also freely and publicly discuss it on Facebook. At the same time, it angered me that this person who had cast an incalculable number of raised eyebrows and untrue statements at my wife over the years due to my wife’s assumed moral failings had so nonchalantly admitted to a far greater number of sexual partners (again, that she could remember, and not including the faceless droves she had done other things with) in just a couple years of high school than my wife had had in her entire life.

When I mentioned this to the other family member (and in nowhere near the detail I gave above), they were taken aback and very angry with me. They wanted to know what right I had to spread private information about this other family member, regardless of what she had done to my wife. They accused me of having committed detraction against her, and said I should be ashamed of myself, even though they also have her as a friend on Facebook and for all I knew were fully aware of the comments she had made.

The question I have, though, is would this really be detraction since she had openly and publicly provided this information to myself and 900 of her closest friends on Facebook? On a broader note, considering how freely others provide similar information at the drop of a hat on Facebook and other sites now, what implications does that have for people who are trying to avoid the sin of detraction (spreading private information without approval)? In other words, if someone is sharing the most graphic, gynecological details of their personal life with the entire internet, is it sinful for you to discuss those details with someone who is receiving the same statuses/tweets/whatever? Seeing as these details are now a matter of public record, is it sinful for you to discuss them at all, or should you be free to mention them to anyone and everyone?

 

[funion987]

To watch out for detraction, I try to check a couple of questions:

1. Did the person to whom I am relating information previously have this information?
2. After exposing this information to this specific person, will that lower his opinion of the person in question?
3. Will the conversation that will possibly ensue from this topic yield anything more than affirmation of the person in question’s bad traits?

 

[Elizabeth502]

Seeing as these details are now a matter of public record, is it sinful for you to discuss them at all, or should you be free to mention them to anyone and everyone?

Here’s the thing about all occasions of gossip – regardless of how each can be technically defined: the vast majority of them become sins of gossip (sins against charity, sins of injury against the Fifth Commandment). That is because it is in the nature of gossip, and all of the intrigue which that implies, to fuel our imaginations. And most people, once imagination is activated, have an urge to articulate that speculation, and that is where the harm lies.

Even to speculate on whether so-and-so just might have done such-and-such (particularly if the such-and-such is not a neutral behavior but an immoral or scandalous behavior) is problematic. Harm to the name of the person has been introduced, by mere suggestion, which the hearer can associate with the person for an indefinite period of time – sometimes that subject’s full human life, forever thinking less of that person. Rumors injure, even when passing “only” between two people.

Ditto for the repetition of publicly aired behaviors, by the doer. In that case, it’s not rumor (if truthful), but it is still idle gossip. And what we are doing, by discussing that, is enlarging, or potentially enlaging, the population base of those with knowledge of the person’s objectionable, immoral, or scandalous behavior. Whether he or she cares about his or her name is beside the point. It is a charitable thing to care about that person’s name and public dignity on his or her behalf, and an uncharitable act to join in his or her self-disrespect.

It also violates the affirmative commandment to build up the Body of Christ and to contribute positively to charity within our communities, such as St. Paul exhorts us to, by reminding us to ennoble each other. Sin is about consciously rejecting opportunities for virtue (i.e., sins of omission), as well as being a direct offense against God & neighbor.

 

[John21652]

…The thing that really digs at me is the hypocrisy of it all. …

I was brought up in a big family and I vividly remember being told that the single most important thing anyone of us had was our good name; that it was more important than all the money one might possess and more important than all the trappings of success. In fact, we were taught that success at the expense of your own good name was no success at all.

We were also told that those who slander others and spread rumours are beneath contempt and we were told that anyone who cares so little for their own good name is a fool. Certianly, Gordon’s post confirms what I was taught!

It is indeed hypocrisy to think that one might be better than someone else in the first place. To paraphrase one Jesus Christ, people should be careful about throwing stones in too big a hurry! Those who spread slander and gossip are usually not trustworthy in any way, shape or form. The ancients knew this.

Shakespear had similar to say in ‘Othello’, when Iago told Othello -

**"**Good name in man and woman, dear my lord,
Is the immediate jewel of their souls:
Who steals my purse steals trash; 'tis something, nothing;
'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands:
But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed.

That verse came down to me in the vernacular, long before I’d read anything of Shakespeare, along the lines of “He who steals my purse steals only my money, but he who steals my name steals everything I am”, so the maxim was "don’t give anyone the opportunity!!

No doubt in days gone by the necessity of preserving one’s good name was thought to be necessary for a proper functioning society where people lived, worked and traded side by side. It was also a part of the Christian ethic of “loving thyself”.

We can even find plenty on this subjct in the Bible, as the following quotes show -

Romans 1:29–32

They were filled with all manner of unrighteousness, evil, covetousness, malice. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, foolish, faithless,

1 Timothy 5:12–13
…and so incur condemnation for having abandoned their former faith. Besides that, they learn to be idlers, going about from house to house, and not only idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying what they should not.

Proverbs 11:12–13

     Whoever belittles his neighbor lacks sense,

but a man of understanding remains silent.
Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets,
but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered.

Proverbs 16:28

 A dishonest man spreads strife,

and a whisperer separates close friends.

Proverbs 18:7–8

     A fool’s mouth is his ruin,

and his lips are a snare to his soul.
The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels;
they go down into the inner parts of the body.

Shakespeare knew all this when he wrote Othello, wherein the main character coerced from his friend Iago imprudent thoughts about Desdemona and Cassio that provoked a jealousy that led to the latter’s demise. Don’t we hear of the provoking of similar jealousies today that lead to cyber bullying amongst the young social media users?! And who can forget the story of Joseph, in Genesis (37:2-36; 39:1-20), who was set up for ruin by Mrs. Potiphar. Joseph’s spotless reputation and character were stolen by Mrs. Potiphar’s gossip and slander.

In light of Gordon’s comments about what goes on in the new “social media” we would have to ask has the human race lost all the knowledge and experience from times long before Christ walked the earth. Even the mainstream media set a horrible example and think we need “scandal” to brighten up our lives. We don’t.

Gordon’s relative neither repects her own good name, nor that of his wife.

I would suggest that Gordon has a right to restore his wife’s good name! However, the trick is not to fall into the hypocrisy of what his “family member” does. I’d not hesitate to capture from the Internet what she wrote about herself and have it in my pocket should she continue to spread her gossip, or should anyone attempt to perpetuate the gossip they have heard from her mouth. I’d call it restorative justice!A bit like Jesus wading through the money lenders in His father’s temple. Sometimes, some people need a ‘whack’ to make them see reality.

 

[1ke]

She put it on Facebook for all the world to see, including the person with whom you were speaking. I don’t see how you are guilty of detraction in this case.

 

[ahs]

If she posted this stuff on FAcebook, she couldn’t really accuse you of detraction. But, it still was not your place to talk about it to someone else unless she was present.

The bigger issue, inmy opinion, is that this family member is being disrespectful of your wife, making assumptions, and false accusations against her (rash judgment, detraction, calumny… ) . And, no one seems to mind but you and your wife. I am going through a near identical situation with my familty right now, except the issue does not involve anythign sex-related. One particular sibling treats her like dirt, while the rest of the family makes excuses or simply looks the other way and expects things to be okay.

To avoid any gossip, detraction, etc…on my own part, here is what I did:

-Had a talk with each individual family member and discussed ONLY what THAT individual person did to hurt me or my wife.
-Let each person know that I expected an apology to her for their particular behaviors before I would feel comfortable continuing the relationship ( **not the same as “forgivenss”…forgiveness was immediate…I’m talking about reconciling and healing what was hurt)
-kept good boundaries and an open line of communication
-when a couple of them got nasty because of my new boundaries (could not accept my “no” ) I reminded them that things could only resolve if they were willing to put some effort into reconciliation.

“We spent years turning the other cheek because we didn’t want to interfere with family harmony…”
To me this sounds like there is some “enmeshment” going on. Family togetherness is great…but you don’t want the extreme of that. Think of your family-of-origin as a mass of multi-colored play-dough. Each color is an individual. If you cannot remove any particular color easily (a person cannot express who they are as an individual) without wreaking havoc on the mass, the family is too enmeshed.

Oh, I apologize if I went into a tangent here…there’s so much information still fresh on my mind that I tend to fit it into everthing!

 

[ahs]

Another key note, you and your wife are ultimately responsible for whether or not you allow your family member(s) to treat your wife a certain way. You can choose to sit quietly and take the abuse, or you can set a healthy boundary and allow the natural and healthy consequences of that boundary being crossed. The trick will be keeping an even balance of truth and charity…and it is not as easy as it may seem.

You might find this tool useful:
blog.adw.org/2009/11/fraternal-correction-the-forgotten-virtue/

 

[Gordon_Sims]

The bigger issue, inmy opinion, is that this family member is being disrespectful of your wife, making assumptions, and false accusations against her (rash judgment, detraction, calumny… ) . And, no one seems to mind but you and your wife.

There are others that mind. However, the individuals who treat us like this (there are more than one, but only one of them made the comments on Facebook) have been behaving like this for a good 20 years or so. Some see it but turn a blind eye to it. Others see it but don’t want to be on the receiving end (they turn on and gang up on people). We endured it in order to keep our relationship with the rest of the family, but as it’s gotten much worse over the last 2 years or so, we’ve decided to avoid family gatherings from here on out–more for our kids’ sake than anything else.

Despite what’s gone on, I don’t believe I’m the sort of person who could go back, print off those comments and use them against anyone down the road. As for the rest of the family, the ones who really matter either never believed her comments about my wife, or didn’t look negatively on her even if they did believe them. The conversation wherein I brought them up was more a matter of me explaining some of our decisions to someone who I truly though was aware of the family member’s comments to begin with. It bothered me that they accused me detraction, then got me thinking about the overall topic.

I think the more people shed their privacy boundaries, the more difficult things like this will become, especially for younger people who don’t really comprehend what it means to share this sort of information with other people. I know a handful of people already who have either lost jobs, lost relationships or lost ground in custody battles because they couldn’t apply any sort of common sense filters to what they posted online.