The story of my life

[anonymoususer]

About 7 years ago, I married a divorced woman with three children. She is the only daughter of a very wealthy family. When I met her, she and her three kids were living with her parents.

When I met my wife, I was still relatively fresh out of college, but did have a decent job, and supported myself. I lived in an apartment, paid all my bills, car payment, etc., yet still had a bit to save each month.

We are a single income family. From the beginning though, my single income was not enough to support a family of five. Plus, add to that, my wife spends a LOT. Well, my in-laws “bought” us a house (we don’t hold the deed, they do), they bought me a car (I hold the title), and they give us money whenever we need.

As you might guess though, my in-laws are very overbearing. All the financial support comes with major strings attached. They live in a subdivision across the street, and come over all the time, unannounced, constantly provide unsolicited advice, etc. If I even think about saying anything about it, I hear my mother in law say “do you have any idea how much we’ve done for you!?”

It has an impact on the kids also. My in-laws are constantly buying them things, and I am afraid my kids will grow up to be very materialistic.

So, here is my pickle: the chance of my wife altering her spending habits is as close to statistically zero as you can get. I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, to no avail. So, my in-laws will continue to finance her lifestyle. Yet I’ve got my finger in a vice because I can’t live with the strings attached, and the overbearing situation, and the fact that my in-laws are involved in every decision we ever make.

What do I do?

 

[Leonius]

Accept it you married it. You can put up with it and you now have no choice but to do so.

Though her been divorced may mean she is already married to another man and so you are not actually married to her, and so can leave, check with your priest on that its complicated and I’m not sure.

This is why the old timers always advised a man not to marry a woman who you could not keep in the standard of life she had become accustomed to.

Once you are married though you simply have to put up with it. The only person you can ever change is yourself.

 

[dulcissima]

Did you get married in the Church and were such issues as spending habits discussed?

I disagree with the notion that you just have to put up with things. I think that the key is to find a way to communicate your position and to defend it. You also need to realize that while they have done a lot for you, you have done a lot for their daughter and their grandchildren. It sounds like everyone wants to help out, and you need to work with your wife on deciding what the best course for your family is. Maybe something like Retrouvaille would help. I am sure that counseling would be beneficial as well.

 

[Christy_Beth]

I agree. The money situation shouldn’t be a problem by now. If you haven’t discussed the situation with your wife, now is the time to do so. Maybe she’s use to having a lot of money to spend, but she should accept the current income level you live on. As for her parents, try to talk to them, and your wife, about their intrusion into your lives. If you go into family therapy, try to include your inlaws. They probably see nothing wrong with their behavior, but they do need to be told to back off.

 

[flyingfish]

About 7 years ago, I married a divorced woman with three children. She is the only daughter of a very wealthy family. When I met her, she and her three kids were living with her parents.

When I met my wife, I was still relatively fresh out of college, but did have a decent job, and supported myself. I lived in an apartment, paid all my bills, car payment, etc., yet still had a bit to save each month.

We are a single income family. From the beginning though, my single income was not enough to support a family of five. Plus, add to that, my wife spends a LOT. Well, my in-laws “bought” us a house (we don’t hold the deed, they do), they bought me a car (I hold the title), and they give us money whenever we need.

As you might guess though, my in-laws are very overbearing. All the financial support comes with major strings attached. They live in a subdivision across the street, and come over all the time, unannounced, constantly provide unsolicited advice, etc. If I even think about saying anything about it, I hear my mother in law say “do you have any idea how much we’ve done for you!?”

It has an impact on the kids also. My in-laws are constantly buying them things, and I am afraid my kids will grow up to be very materialistic.

So, here is my pickle: the chance of my wife altering her spending habits is as close to statistically zero as you can get. I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, and I’ve tried, to no avail. So, my in-laws will continue to finance her lifestyle. Yet I’ve got my finger in a vice because I can’t live with the strings attached, and the overbearing situation, and the fact that my in-laws are involved in every decision we ever make.

What do I do?

Have you talked to your wife about how you feel?

Maybe consider buying a house of your own that is far away from your in-laws. Once there is some physical distance between you, they won’t always be there.

As for them financing her spending habits, well if they are very rich as you say they will likely continue to do so. I doubt they would cut her off, simply because they have no other children and what else are they going to spend their money on.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I agree with the others who suggest counselling for you and your wife. You might also suggest that she arrange for an allowance or trust from her parents. Then you won’t feel quite like they are simply buying things or paying for things whenever they feel like it. That money will be your wife’s income as if she had a job.

I will say though that it doesn’t seem to matter how wealthy or poor grandparents are, they are always spoiling their grandkids and it is hard to keep it under control.

I suggest you talk to your wife and kids about how blessed you ALL are to have such generous parents/grandparents. Then encourge your whole family to “pay it forward” by becoming involved in a local charity. Pick something that your family can physically be involved in (Habitat, soup kitchen, etc.), and perhaps grandma and grandpa can be encouraged to spport that charity financially as well.

Growing up in a wealthy family does not always mean being spoiled and selfish.

 

[dulcissima]

I agree with the others who suggest counselling for you and your wife. You might also suggest that she arrange for an allowance or trust from her parents. Then you won’t feel quite like they are simply buying things or paying for things whenever they feel like it. That money will be your wife’s income as if she had a job.

I will say though that it doesn’t seem to matter how wealthy or poor grandparents are, they are always spoiling their grandkids and it is hard to keep it under control.

I suggest you talk to your wife and kids about how blessed you ALL are to have such generous parents/grandparents. Then encourge your whole family to “pay it forward” by becoming involved in a local charity. Pick something that your family can physically be involved in (Habitat, soup kitchen, etc.), and perhaps grandma and grandpa can be encouraged to spport that charity financially as well.

Growing up in a wealthy family does not always mean being spoiled and selfish.

What GREAT advice!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I think MrsSally’s advice is spot on too…

I grew up without parents for the most part, but my dad left my sister money to raise me…and I grew up without boundaries. Literally, what I wanted, was bought for me. I didn’t pay for college. I didn’t buy my own car in high school, I didn’t learn boundaries or how to handle finances. When I married, I still expected there to be no boundaries. You mean, there are boundaries in spending? My dh was raised the complete opposite, so it made for an interesting beginning to our marriage. And while your wife may see no big deal in having her mom and dad finance her spending habits, it is a big deal, because she isn’t learning boundaries. She isn’t learning how to ‘make it’ on your income. So, when I first read this, my instinct was…oh, how nice of her parents…but then quickly shifted to, oh, this could be bad. lol

I think counseling is a great idea. Shopaholics often don’t think that they have any problems, but they do. Again, they don’t learn the word no, and temporance. I imagine that her being an only child has something to do with all the spoiling, so I would try to be patient. Spending without limits too, I dunno…creates a very selfish mindset. And a very unsettled mindset. I still have moments when I want to shop without limits, but God wants us to learn self control…and this is a moment in your wife’s life that she could be turning a corner here, if you help show her a new way. Plus, giving to others is what God wants us to do with our ‘treasures’ that He blesses us with…spending at the mall IS fun, I won’t lie. lol But, giving to charities, tithing, etc…when you shift your focus from yourself to others, when spending, it is incredible. It is doing with God’s blessings, what He would have us do.

I tell you this little story, because I was in BAD SHAPE, spending-wise. I was a mess financially and only over the past few years have my dh and I dug ourselves out of the stupid debt mess I created. We are nearly debt free…but it was not easy. It comes easy to my husband…but it still takes some effort on my part. But, it feels good to be nearly debt free…and to be free of enslaving myself to ‘things.’ To wanting the latest and greatest will NOT fill the God shaped hole that exists in each of us. Not saying your wife spends for this reason, but shopping that is out of control, is often a symptom of another issue within a person. If you get to that issue, you’ll curb the spending habit.

Things could be worse though…it is** very *nice to have inlaws who hand you a house and a car. I would count your blessings, but at the same time, try to find a way to set some boundaries with your inlaws, and your wife’s spending. Good luck, and God bless.

 

[monicatholic]

be a radical.

i mean this.

sell the car. buy a hyundai. give the difference to a charity.

start gathering the stuff around the house-- the extra dishes, the unworn kids’ clothes with tags still on them etc. deliver it all too Goodwill. do that often. enlist the kids. make sure you can point out to them how the charities really help real people.

just keep smiling. say, “all this stuff is great, but we don’t need it. i knew you’d want it to be put to better use.” but you gotta start with ***your ***stuff.

if you really want to be a radical, say, “all this stuff is great in small quantities. in large quantities, it’s loud. it’s hard to hear God talking.”

then start saving for a small house on the far edge of town.

generosity is a blessing. payola is not.

throughout, talk to a priest and see if there’s a way to validate your marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

A husband and wife* have **to find ways of communicating, and getting on the same page. While getting ‘radical’ might help for the short term, I can see it causing a lot of tension in the house. I mean, the OP’s wife isn’t a child. That is more of what a fed up dad does to his kid. I think that counseling, and consistent discussion will bring the spending under control. Even if the husband is head of household, it doesn’t give him the ‘right’ to treat his wife like a child, who isn’t ‘behaving.’ They need to find a way to communicate to get to the heart of the matter so long lasting change can be made…and so that the wife is actually making the change alongside her husband…not her husband doing it for her. I don’t think one spouse or the other should give grand ‘declarations’ to the other spouse…hoping they’ll jump on board. These types of situations, take time to clear up…and it will take efforts on both the OP and his wife…and her commitment to wanting to change the spending behavior and reliance on her parents.

Just my two cents worth. *

 

[Liberanosamalo]

This is a conversation the OP needs to have with his wife and her parents:

I appreciate what you have done. We have all benefitted from your generosity. We have a house and car, YOU have your only child and grandchildren living nearby and I didn’t need to take them out of state to another job to support them because you have enabled us to stay here.

(Yes, there is an implied threat there, or caution, or call it what you will. This “generosity” benefits them too.)

However, this is getting out of hand. You are generous people. I don’t want to thwart it. But can we channel it somehow so that the children who are rapidly reaching teenage years don’t become spoiled teenage brats who think they are entitled to everything?

Ground rules:

1. Do not buy any of the kids a car. Ever. It will be sold at auction. Junior needs to finance his own car and insurance.
2. Enough with the presents and shopping sprees. We need to put the kids on an allowance. No more than $-- a week for them. If you want to be generous, put anything else into a college account that they will have to earn matching funds in order to tap into. That way they will have an incentive to work and will appreciate their college education more. And they will have a sense of pride and accomplishment, either matching in scholarships or their own hard earned money.
3. While you have done a lot for me, I have provided your grandchildren with a father. I have been a husband and a support to your daughter. Handing her money does not mean you run my family. I will take your advice for the truth therein and consider it. But I am the head of my own family and it is not for sale. By the way, call before you come over. This is OUR house, even if your name is on the deed. If you cannot respect that, we will move to a different neighborhood in a house I pay for.

Understand if you leave her, your in-laws will pay the lawyer and will make life miserable for you and you will be up against that.

Fact is, if living as a single mom in their house was so wonderful, your wife would not have left there to live with you. She is their daughter. You can’t get between them. But you can find a way to provide leadership and a good example and good values to those kids. You are a good man to try to raise some other man’s children. Only you know how much more attractive this woman was made to you by the size of her parent’s fortune. If that had any effect on your choices, know that it’s very true that he who marries for money ends up earning every penny.

You may not be able to stop the madness but you need to get your wife on the same page so you don’t raise a bunch of worthless little rich kids who will be unable to survive in the real world when grandma and grandpa die and the money pit dries up.

I suspect if your father in law was a self-made man, he may appreciate the idea that you want his grandchildren to grow a spine and he may need a wakeup call that you did not marry his daughter for her parent’s bank account and you aren’t really a leech. (Only you know if he treats you like that, OP. What does HE really think of you as he writes the checks?) You need to assert yourself as someone who is tired of this largesse with chains attached.

 

[monicatholic]

Even if the husband is head of household, it doesn’t give him the ‘right’ to treat his wife like a child, who isn’t ‘behaving.’

WG, the OP isn’t the head of his household. His inlaws are. The radical message I suggested is as much (if not more) to them as it to his wife. What is the message? **Your stuff will NOT buy my submission. **

That’s the radical message OP needs to make. and make again. and again. in that, I think Liberan’s modus operandi is ***better ***than the one i sugggested. but OP needs to be warned-- he’d better be VERY willing to put up or shut up. if he doesn’t hold up the excellent boundaries that Lib so aptly articulated, then he’s doomed to a life of subservience to his inlaws.

WG, i think counseling is a great idea if OP’s wife wanted to go. something, something in you wanted to ammend your shopaholic ways. that was essential to your grace-filled success, i think. how can OP talk his wife into ***wanting ***to change? i think he doesn’t have that much influence over her-- especially in light of the influence weilded by her cashcab parents.

whadya think?

 

[whatevergirl]

*Okay, yes, that is true…I think that it’s tough when he accepted the house and car, though, see. That’s the tough spot he’s in now. Ok, well I accepted a house from your parents and a car…but you need to stop your spending habits with the money they give to you. lol That is a tough spot he’s in…but that said, it’s not an impossible spot. I think that it is way out of control. While it is so very gracious of them to do this, I wonder if it is done IN PART, to control them, the daughter…you know? So, yeah, I think that something needs to be done…I just think that the wife needs to be on board…standing as a united front to the parents…I too like Liberano’s suggestion.

anonymous…have you been lurking? What do you think??*

 

[whatevergirl]

*For whatever it’s worth…as a recovering spend-aholic myself…it would be very hard to turn down cars, houses, etc…from my family, if they were so obliged to offering it to my family and me. I think that it’s ok to accept money if in a bind, but when parents are feeding their kids’ overspending habits, that can definitely be a bad thing. Again, the kid never learns how to handle money. But, I wanted to throw that out there to you mainly OP, that your wife’s spending habits will take time and effort (and patience on your part) to CURB, because of the over indulging your inlaws have done. So, just keep that in mind…whatever you choose to do, it won’t be an overnight success, I’m afraid. Wish I could sound more encouraging…I think she can beat her spending bad habits, but it won’t happen overnight.

I agree with monica, too…you almost have to compete with your wife’s parents, as to who is running your household. I’m sorry things have gotten that out of hand, but with God…all things are possible. Is your wife open to change? At least OPEN?*

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi again anonymous…

If we could…ask you a few questions, to get a sense of how you have been approaching your wife?

I have a sneaking suspicion…when you say "I’ve tried to get her to stop spending so much,’’ the conversation goes something like this–maybe a variation thereof:

You: Honey, we have got to get a handle on all this spending.
Your wife: What do you mean?
You: I think it’s great that your parents gave us a house, etc…but your spending habits are really getting out of control.
Your wife: You should be grateful that my parents are helping us like this.
You: I AM grateful, but…
Your wife: I don’t see a problem here.
You: This isn’t good for the kids to grow up thinking they can have whatever, whenever they please…
Your wife: If my parents are doing this for them, what do you care?

And on and on the arguing goes…

This is just my hunch, I could completely wrong…lol But, my dh and I had similiar arguments, and then one day many moons ago, he threatened to leave me. (This was after a lot of arguments, and me not treating him like head of household, etc)

I said…‘go ahead,’ and he did. We lived separately for nearly two years! (well he didn’t leave that moment, but it got to the point where we were arguing daily, with bouts of silence…and just couldn’t get a breakthrough) In that time, I grew closer to God…became a devout Catholic…and learned that the main problem with my spending, wasn’t really about money…it was what I thought my husband should be…an extension of my dad. (my dad died when I was 9) This was wrong for me to think like this! But, in that time apart…I grew up. I learned how to control my spending, and I asked for forgiveness for being …a selfish wife. I guess I didn’t know how to love my husband, as the Bible taught. His reponse? "Sharon, you don’t have to treat me like a king…but let me love you as a husband should, not as your dad might have.’’ I remember those words like yesterday, and I sit here typing, and crying a little. (a good cry) But, a sad memory that is…that I nearly caused a divorce!

But, my point of sharing this…is that your wife’s adherence to her family’s money…might be for the same reasons. She had a first marriage, that didn’t work out…her family was there to help her through, she feels a sense of obligation to them…and accepting the money even with strings, it just doesn’t occur to her how this is affecting YOU as her husband. Husbands need to feel wanted…in reading your OP, I get the sense that is where the fundamental issues lie…in wanting to feel wanted…valued for your opinion…and not usurped by her parents.

I pray that God gives you patience to see this through, and the strength to say some tough things to your wife. She needs to hear them…you guys are a team, and while it’s nice that her parents are there for you, they should not be the ultimate decision makers in your marriage…

God bless, I’ll be praying for you both! *