The ugly taste of Envy

[GraceDK]

I havent felt this way before… until lately I never felt envious towards anyone about anything…
I just feel right now that everyone is finding husbands and wives and girl friends and boy friends and the great fish in the sea are getting fewer while I am getting older…
And I just feel that the smile I put on my face while I congratulate other people on their new found happiness is fake. Its sarcastic… its lonely…
I hate this feeling

 

[MarieVeronica]

Hi Grace. Hang in there :console: I understand what you’re feeling. I’ve been there, many times.

In my own circumstances… I’ve come to believe that I’m probably not called to marriage… although, it was once certainly a hope, I held. To have my own family. God works in mysterious ways. He calls some of us to marriage and family life… others to religious life… and still others, to the single life. I believe that mine will be one of the latter two. His Will, be done.

I would humbly offer one practical suggestion to you. In addition to praying about your circumstances (which you’re probably doing, already)… I would suggest that you become involved in parish activities. This is a great way to meet people, and expand your opportunities to discover God’s Will for your future.

God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[GraceDK]

Hi Grace. Hang in there :console: I understand what you’re feeling. I’ve been there, many times.

In my own circumstances… I’ve come to believe that I’m probably not called to marriage… although, it was once certainly a hope, I held. To have my own family. God works in mysterious ways. He calls some of us to marriage and family life… others to religious life… and still others, to the single life. I believe that mine will be one of the latter two. His Will, be done.

I would humbly offer one practical suggestion to you. In addition to praying about your circumstances (which you’re probably doing, already)… I would suggest that you become involved in parish activities. This is a great way to meet people, and expand your opportunities to discover God’s Will for your future.

God bless you and I will keep you in my prayers.

Dear MarieVeronica…
wow thats a pretty name… And thanks for your advice… i know i just have too much time on my hands right now.
You are right… God has it in His hand and all is under control… Jesus always tells me I am a Martha who worries too much. He shakes His head at me while we are walking hand in hand.
Besides many great saints were single… actually most… and did awesome thing for the Kingdom.
I think I am called for marriage and that God is working on me and my coming husband to be brought together at some time and place according to His plan.
I am sometimes afraid I mess to much up in the mean time. I dont want to become bitter… Everything seems so difficult for me, things which are no big deal for others…
But i dont want to be a nasty person. I wanna be happy for other people. People dont need my envy…

Anyway… thanks I am already in a better mood.

Maybe you are called to marriage MV still… why have you given up?

 

[BenM]

I’ve struggled with this on and off for some time myself and I’ve learned that how matter hard it is not to worry (especially if you struggle with feelings of being ‘on the shelf’, which you’re not), it would be a good idea to focus your efforts on meeting suitable people as MarieVeronica said; plus, you might make some new friends, which is always good.

Keep praying! The Lord has great things in mind for you.

I’ll be praying for you also - feel free to send me a PM if you feel like talking about it with someone.

 

[GraceDK]

I’ve struggled with this on and off for some time myself and I’ve learned that how matter hard it is not to worry (especially if you struggle with feelings of being ‘on the shelf’, which you’re not), it would be a good idea to focus your efforts on meeting suitable people as MarieVeronica said; plus, you might make some new friends, which is always good.

Keep praying! The Lord has great things in mind for you.

I’ll be praying for you also - feel free to send me a PM if you feel like talking about it with someone.

Dear Ben.
Thanks for encouraging me… however, you are 21 and male… you really needn’t worry
I know I am not on the shelf at all… the problem is rather that I all the time run into people… I have a tendency to love people… also the ones I should not get involved with…
There are certainly many people in the world… but where is my prince and will he recognize this mess when he sees it and still be able to see a princess ?
…
As for you Ben! Do not worry in the least! There is no need to. You even have my favourite name.

 

[weebeasties]

New here, but this topic really hits close to home. I’ve been doing my own wrestling with Envy, as my husband and I are dealing with infertility while everyone around us seems to be having kids. Here’s one thing that is helping me: in talking to a friend who was expecting babies #7 and #8 (twins) at the time, I came to recognize that parenthood, like childlessness (and, in your case, marriage, like the single state), can take the shape of the Cross too; it has its own trials and challenges. So I’ve taken it as my mission, at least for now, to actively pray for all the expectant parents and young families in my life, by name, thanking God for the blessings He’s given them and asking for His grace in their vocations. I’m sure they can use the “behind the scenes” prayer support, and I find that praying for someone makes it easier for me to become actually happy for them, to get past “faking it”. It helps me get outside of myself. So it might be worth a try to become an intercessor for the newly partnered people in your life.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Maybe you are called to marriage MV still… why have you given up?

Grace, I’m glad you are feeling better. I tried to “pm” you… the answer to this question. But your inbox was full

God bless.

 

[Sacred_Ground]

I havent felt this way before… until lately I never felt envious towards anyone about anything…
I just feel right now that everyone is finding husbands and wives and girl friends and boy friends and the great fish in the sea are getting fewer while I am getting older…
And I just feel that the smile I put on my face while I congratulate other people on their new found happiness is fake. Its sarcastic… its lonely…
I hate this feeling

Maybe it is because you seem to believe that to be happy you have to be married?

In psychology, it is referred to as a condition of happiness, and it can make life depressing, (and you envious of others) because they have something you believe will make you happy, that you don’t yet have.

Instead, try and be happy with what you have, go out and look for that prince in shining armour, smile, laugh, bring God’s joy to everyone you meet.

Did God make us for marriage, and intimacy? Sure, but it’s not everything in life.

Sometimes, the more we long for something, that harder it is to get, and when we stop wishing for it, it is suddenly there for us.

No man can make you happy, if you are not first happy in your own heart, and with God

 

[purelovemmc]

I havent felt this way before… until lately I never felt envious towards anyone about anything…
I just feel right now that everyone is finding husbands and wives and girl friends and boy friends and the great fish in the sea are getting fewer while I am getting older…
And I just feel that the smile I put on my face while I congratulate other people on their new found happiness is fake. Its sarcastic… its lonely…
I hate this feeling

I know, it’s exhausting. Just try to live the life, and make this free time as you opportunity to prepare and perfect yourself for the person you will spend your life with.

 

[whatevergirl]

I havent felt this way before… until lately I never felt envious towards anyone about anything…
I just feel right now that everyone is finding husbands and wives and girl friends and boy friends and the great fish in the sea are getting fewer while I am getting older…
And I just feel that the smile I put on my face while I congratulate other people on their new found happiness is fake. Its sarcastic… its lonely…
I hate this feeling

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You know, I heard something a while back, that envy/jealousy are close cousins with fear. That really fear is what one feels, when one is feeling envious. I think back to times in my life when I have been envious, and I can say that fear was the root cause. Maybe in your case here, fear of not meeting that right someone…or fear that you will continue to be alone…so when you see your friends marrying, etc…you feel envy. But really deep down, it could be fear spurring your feelings on. Just giving you some food for thought. Praying for you that these feelings will pass. ((hugs))

 

[chevalier]

But i dont want to be a nasty person. I wanna be happy for other people. People dont need my envy…

Yeah. And don’t even try to fall into the trap of thinking you’re somewhat better or worse depending on whether you have a husband, let alone a boyfriend. This doesn’t mean you don’t need one. It simply means you are not somehow a loser because of not having one.

There are certainly many people in the world… but where is my prince and will he recognize this mess when he sees it and still be able to see a princess ?

Sweep the palace a bit? The prince needs to feed the horse, clean the sword, polish the armour. He would have a squire do it, but he’s too much of a lone runner to have one, and besides, there’s only so much one underpaid squire can do. Seriously, though, sometimes great things require lots of menial work. There is always something one can do in preparation for what’s yet to come. There are some skills to learn, some books to read. Besides, you need some dependable friends and a hobby to keep you interested. Boredom comes in? Chase it away! Idle hands are the devil’s workshop and the same is with the mind. Boredom and feeling low make bad things start. Don’t let the black thoughts dwell.

 

[GraceDK]

Weebeasties Thanks for the advice… I will be sure to try to pray if an envious thought pops up its ugly head in me again… As for you… I am truly sorry… I have a close family member who cannot have a baby as it seems… we keep on praying. We know the Lord is a Lord of miracles. I hope you also get a child… or adopt one… there are so many children in need of a mother like you.
Whatevergirl, thank you for making me feel a bit better. fear is better than envy, no? And I know you are right… I would also say envy is the product of an idle mind.
Purelovemmc and sacred_ground. I should try to prepare… yes… By prayer and charity and creativity. A moment spend worrying is a wasted moment. I dont normally see my self as a person who is focused on getting married. I just came out of a relationship that was not leading anywhere… which is why the problem of loneliness and broken dreams in this area is very present to me at the moment. Normally I am not desperate… I still have confidence that one day I will feel that connection and “rightness” with someone that I have yet to feel…
chevalier Thanks for your encouragement… I smiled when I red your excuses for the prince… if he is cleaning the armor and feeding the horse then he must be a real knight and that is okay… I just long to meet him ya know.
Dont worry… I dont normally regard single people as loosers. Far from it… I do however feel sorry for those who are involuntary single and who are no longer able to have children because of their age… such people are bitter and I understand that.
I have by the way become a more happy person since I read the Screwtape letters by CS Lewis. Have you read that book? That book was Gods gift to me. Now when I get some rediculous thoughts I far more often am able to laugh them of and see them for what they are.

Peace to you all and God bless you for comforting me.

 

[puzzleannie]

I I hate this feeling

very wise to recognize the feeling for what it is and tackle it on that basis, we will be praying for you, I highly recommend Fr. Groeschel’s show this week, Sunday night live, and his guest who is the founder of Ave Maria Singles website and the discussion is the theology of the body, and preparing oneself for marriage, and how to grow oneself so that one has an authentic gift to offer. It is being repeated now on EWTN and will be at least a couple of more times this week.

 

[Hopeful_Heart]

I feel for you. I also experienced this during my seemingly forever wait to get married. But, after almost ten years, it finally happened. Praise God! Now that I am married I am experiencing this again in waiting for God’s blessing of children. I know they too will come, but it may take a long wait, just as it did to meet my forever love.

Sometimes it feels like our calling in life is simply to wait. And it very well could be! Look at Saints Elizabeth and Zechariah, Saints Joachim and Ann, Simeon and Anna, Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rachel, Saint Therese, St. Monica, and the list goes on. Many great figures of faith spent more of their lives waiting than not. Saint Elizabeth did not become a saint because she was the mother of John the Baptist. Saint Elizabeth became a saint because she faithfully and patiently endured the many hardships of being childless for decades upon decades. St. Monica didn’t become a saint because she ‘won over’ the heart of her husband and son, Augustine, for God. She became a saint because of her countless years spent patinetly praying and faithfully living the Faith in a household of unbelievers. It’s what we do with the time spent waiting that can make us the saints God wants us to be. This does not have to be spent in doing great things, but faithfully loving God through the little ups and downs, work and rest, the ‘rhythm’ of daily life.

Many :hug1:

 

[Hopeful_Heart]

Maybe it is because you seem to believe that to be happy you have to be married?

In psychology, it is referred to as a condition of happiness, and it can make life depressing, (and you envious of others) because they have something you believe will make you happy, that you don’t yet have.

Instead, try and be happy with what you have, go out and look for that prince in shining armour, smile, laugh, bring God’s joy to everyone you meet.

Did God make us for marriage, and intimacy? Sure, but it’s not everything in life.

Sometimes, the more we long for something, that harder it is to get, and when we stop wishing for it, it is suddenly there for us.

No man can make you happy, if you are not first happy in your own heart, and with God

This is very beautiful and so true. Thank you for sharing!

 

[Michael_David]

You know, as long as I was looking for that special someone, no one fit what I was looking for. It is only when I gave up looking and started living in the here-and-now with no expectations, only experiencing what was, not what I wanted from it, that she stepped into my life…

She was God sent, our 36+ years together, of my not quite being the prince she dreamed of, a few of life’s trials under both our belts, a lot of life’s joys there too, that ‘twinkle’ is still in her eye… she says it’s in mine too. Remember, God is the 3rd person in a marriage, let Him decide who the two others should be… I would of never chose my present wife if I was still looking, as my immediate quality list could not see the next decades we had to face. This is where God comes in, He knows.

Also, you will know when it happens, if you are listening to the Good Lords voice. Go along with His expectations for you, not yours for yourself (or another). Funny how it happens… out of the blue.

 

[GraceDK]

Also, you will know when it happens, if you are listening to the Good Lords voice. Go along with His expectations for you, not yours for yourself (or another). Funny how it happens… out of the blue.

Thanks for that beautiful testimony Michael…
Out of the blue huh?.. :bighanky: thats what happend last time I fell in love… he came out of the blue and declared me his love. I left him because he did not believe …
but I still think of him every day and I know he thinks of me.
How do you know that the voice you hear is Gods and not your own? I always expected to be certain… so when I became afraid instead I ran away.

 

[Michael_David]

How do you know that the voice you hear is Gods and not your own? I always expected to be certain… so when I became afraid instead I ran away.

The way it has happened in my life is if I am walking North and He gets my attention to look East (not where my attention was looking). Or if you are minding your own business and with your attention set on what you are doing or going to do and your shoulder gets a tap and you turn to see who did it.

The best things that I have found are not from my looking, but rather by surprise or awe when seeing the unexpected. If I am too intent on what I am looking for that I have all the details down, how will I know what He is sending me… if it doesn’t fit the image I have? It’s a matter of who’s Will is one pursuing… ours or His? Surprise! It happens at the soul level and causes the rest of the mind/body to respond… leading outward.

Also, how many times can you find “Fear Not” in the Bible?

 

[chevalier]

Grace, I actually meant it the way that the prince needs to clean the sword and the horse and polish the armour to be presentable when he rides by, so you might as well sweep the palace a bit, you know. I know, sounds bad and is a total romance killer, but it’s always better than being given books to read on how to be a good spouse or parent when you’re single, isn’t it?

Didn’t read that one from C.S. Lewis. In fact, I’ve only read Narnia, but all of it. It’s hard for modern fantasy to meet the standard. It’s on LotR level, though on many levels more rewarding. Hah, forgive my little show-off.

Well, time to go play my game where I’m a valiant knight fighting for the Crown.

 

[weebeasties]

Weebeasties Thanks for the advice… I will be sure to try to pray if an envious thought pops up its ugly head in me again…

I can’t really take credit, our priest gave a talk before Lent last year on rooting out the seven deadly sins by cultivating their opposing virtues, so I got it from him. He said that envy’s opposing virtue is brotherly love, and praying for my friends and family seemed to be a good way to practice that one.

Just a word of warning - it is likely to sting at first! (Lord, bless so-and-so…how come it’s them and not me…thank you for the gifts you’ve given them…) It really was an act of will in the beginning for me, kind of like when you know you need to forgive someone but just don’t feel it yet. The feelings followed later, after I’d started to retrain my will. I’m sure not all the way there yet, but it is better than it was.