The wisdom of "arranged marriages"?

[NCSue]

Read the post at acts17verse28.blogspot.com/2009/06/lessons-from-abroad.html. It offers a few contrasts between the success of “arranged marriage” and “marrying for love”.

Do you think “arranged marriages” can work better than marrying for love?
Reading the tips for making “arranged marriages” succeed, what do you think? Do you agree with them? Do you think some of these ideas are wrong? Do you have other advice that they missed? What has helped your marriage to work?

 

[lovemysix]

I truly think it is hard for many of us with westernized notions of marriage to be objective about arranged marriages. I personally can’t wrap my head around how strange it would feel to have sex with somebody I just met a couple days ago (husband or not). And I question the measure of successful marriage as low divorce rate. If it is true that women are punished if they try to get out of a bad marriage, then many probably stay in horrible marriages because of societal pressure to do so. I’d like to know statistics of how many men in these societies are faithful to their wives, too. Often in the past, marriages have been about family alliances and money. Wives were for reproducing with; mistresses were for love. I wonder if that happens a lot nowadays in societies where arranged marriages are the norm?

I do think it is possible for arranged marriages to be happy and fulfilling under the right set of circumstances, but I’m not sure that it is a model that would somehow be the cure to marriage woes.

 

[flyingfish]

I don’t think you can use a low divorce rate as an argument in favor of arranged marriages.

People who are willing to let other people decide who they will spend the rest of their lives with are people who are very obedient, very mindful of their traditions. Those might be the reasons the divorce rate is low, not that they are particularly happy in their marriages.

Also, in India and Pakistan women are not as independent as they are here. They may want to leave their husbands, but they simply wouldn’t have the resources to live on their own.

 

[Arlene]

Not that it would ever be the norm in our society, but…

Which mother among us hasn’t wished for more (name removed by moderator)ut on who our daughters’ go out with?

Which mother among us hasn’t cringed over someone our daughter is just ga ga over?

When our children are in the throes of infatuation and are smitten with someone that is so totally wrong for so many reasons, do they listen to us and our wisdom? NO!!!

Do we have to refrain from saying “I told you so” when above mentioned person breaks your child’s heart, you saw it coming and tried to warn them?

Our society is so geared to romantic love and falling in love. When decisions are based on hormones and not common sense.

Parents can see objectively who might be a good match for their child. They know strenghts and weaknesses, personality, values, and other factors that go into knowing if someone is right. However, I wouldn’t presume to pick out a spouse for my child and tell her this this who you have to marry. What might be kind of nice is to approve the young man from the get go and if he passes parental approval, then let them take it from there. So she still gets to pick her husband from a pool of approved choices.

So I can dream, can’t I?

 

[lovemysix]

Arlene,

I do hear what you are saying, but in my case, my mother’s wishes (she could not STAND my fiance) would have totally messed up my life. I’d hate to think of who she might have picked for me.

I’ve been blissfully happily married (nearly 18 years) to the man she couldn’t bring herself to call by his first name (she insisted on referring to him as “that boy”

My mother is an ultra-conservative catholic who has a very unhealthy idea of relationships.

So I remain tremendously grateful I live in a society in which she had no control over whom I chose to marry.

Now, I’m sure I’ll be wishing I had more control over MY children’s choices once they get to that point of their lives

God bless.

 

[chevalier]

Judging by my past choices, I bet my parents would’ve done a better job.

Now seriously, let’s try to consider it without emotion.

One bad thing we dislike about arranged marriages is how horribly they sit with personal freedom. On the other hand, what we don’t like about “marrying for love” is all sorts of whimsicality. What we tend to be missing is that this is not en either or situation.

The above is because arranging marriages doesn’t necessarily ignore love and neither does “marrying for love” necessarily ignore common sense. Bad things happen when those who do the picking don’t act on love or common sense but some other motivations. The couple may simply act on biological attraction. Or the parents may on a distorted sense of propriety instead of truly following the child’s best interest. A disaster’s ready in either case.

I can’t and won’t blame people who look from the perspective of who they will be with tomorrow, as opposed to where they are now. On the other hand, forced marriages should be illegal and let’s not even get started about the ethical side of consummation.

I can, however, tell you that it would be utterly stupid to ignore a person just because it was the parents who suggested the potential match. That kind of defiance for its own sake would strike me as a sign of these times… Personally, I’d give very thorough consideration to anyone my parents possibly suggested as a potential match.

Before you lash back on me, parents tend to have twice the experience of their children and who can relate better than a parent? On the other hand, this is no excuse to fall back on the, “let’s get back to the 1890.-ies rhetoric.” Consent is a built-in part of marriage and no, bad things do not start just because the parties are actually consenting freely without being pressured into it.

 

[Arlene]

Judging by my past choices, I bet my parents would’ve done a better job.

Now seriously, let’s try to consider it without emotion.

One bad thing we dislike about arranged marriages is how horribly they sit with personal freedom. On the other hand, what we don’t like about “marrying for love” is all sorts of whimsicality. What we tend to be missing is that this is not en either or situation.

The above is because arranging marriages doesn’t necessarily ignore love and neither does “marrying for love” necessarily ignore common sense. Bad things happen when those who do the picking don’t act on love or common sense but some other motivations. The couple may simply act on biological attraction. Or the parents may on a distorted sense of propriety instead of truly following the child’s best interest. A disaster’s ready in either case.

I can’t and won’t blame people who look from the perspective of who they will be with tomorrow, as opposed to where they are now. On the other hand, forced marriages should be illegal and let’s not even get started about the ethical side of consummation.

I can, however, tell you that it would be utterly stupid to ignore a person just because it was the parents who suggested the potential match. That kind of defiance for its own sake would strike me as a sign of these times… Personally, I’d give very thorough consideration to anyone my parents possibly suggested as a potential match.

Before you lash back on me, parents tend to have twice the experience of their children and who can relate better than a parent? On the other hand, this is no excuse to fall back on the, “let’s get back to the 1890.-ies rhetoric.” Consent is a built-in part of marriage and no, bad things do not start just because the parties are actually consenting freely without being pressured into it.

ITA
There is a huge difference between parents having (name removed by moderator)ut and forced marriage. Parental (name removed by moderator)ut says we really think this guy would be a good match for you, why don’t you spend some time with him and see if there are any sparks. A forced marriage says this is the guy you must marry, like it or not, like him or not.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

Read the post at acts17verse28.blogspot.com/2009/06/lessons-from-abroad.html. It offers a few contrasts between the success of “arranged marriage” and “marrying for love”.

Do you think “arranged marriages” can work better than marrying for love?
Reading the tips for making “arranged marriages” succeed, what do you think? Do you agree with them? Do you think some of these ideas are wrong? Do you have other advice that they missed? What has helped your marriage to work?

I am very much against arranged marriages. Why would you want someone else making one of the most important decisions in your life for you, even if it’s your parents? You’re basically handing the freedom that God gave you to someone else, which is not right, in my opinion. This system is also very prone to abuse. Just look at what happens in the Muslim world. In my opinion, marriage is a decision made by you, your future spouse, and God. Parents can give their (name removed by moderator)ut, but it is not their decision to make.

Seriously, if you have to rely on other people for a decision as big as this, what does that say about you? Anyway, just my $0.02.

 

[NCSue]

In my opinion, marriage is a decision made by you, your future spouse, and God.

I agree with you, CatholicGuy, but I find the divorce rate in our country to be so distressing. How can we impress on married couples the importance of honoring the commitment made before God to love and cherish each other “til death do us part”???

 

[Liberanosamalo]

ITA with Arlene and Chevalier.

Sad thing is… my xh and I would never agree on a spouse for a child. He would oppose it just because I thought someone was good. Arranged marriages could work if parents were able to pick out someone with full knowlege of who that person is. And allow the couple to get to know each other before telling them “This is it for you.”

Then again, I have sometimes thought someone was a nice kid and one of my daughters has said “Ew! You don’t know what they really do!” Sometimes they can see things we can’t. And then again, sometimes we see things that love (being deaf, dumb, blind and stupid) cannot see.

Marrying for “love” asks silly young people to make the most important decision in their lives with little (name removed by moderator)ut from others at the point in a relationship when things are at their best and face it, dating is deceptive by its nature. Maybe if parishes would mandate a 1-year engagement period, that might weed out more of the unions that are doomed to fail by the nature of the people involved. I don’t think 6 months is long enough for the creepy crawlies to come out from under the rock.

I am pretty sure my own parents wouldn’t have chosen a worse husband for me than I chose for myself.

 

[chevalier]

Love is good. It’s just misunderstood by most people. Combine it with reason, avoiding the lemming effect, and you have an arranged marriage for love, having the best of two worlds. Easier said than done, it’s all about avoiding self-destructive behaviours. If I had to dissect my current behaviour, I guess I’d be eclectic - I’m definitely arranging because I consider compatibility and I have my guard up for red flags, being mindful that there is a future to be shared; at the same time I look for the “one and only” kind of thing, being close to the soulmate theory but without getting there (i.e. matching), and I look for the “loving feeling”, the je ne sais quoi and so on. So I guess I kinda want all the three. Aren’t I greedy.

 

[Crystal_H]

I think many people have the wrong idea of what an arranged marriage is in most cultures. My parents were “arranged”. but for them and in many others, it meant an introduction after careful screening by family and the opportunity to veto if there was no “attraction”. My parents have been married for 38 years. They are “in love” and love each other very much.

I think the romanticized versions of love are unrealistic and can be disappointing.

I did marry for love and it has worked out… but then again, I think many of the problems early in our marriage were based on those unrealistic expectations of romantic love.

as my mom always says… love is an action and you need to practice…
-C

 

[lovemysix]

I think Crystal hit upon one factor that makes it hard to discuss arranged marriages…many of us have different ideas about what it really means, and I suspect it has probably meant different things to different societies in different time periods.

Wikipedia says: “Arranged marriage (also called prearranged marriage) is a marriage arranged by someone other than the couple getting wedded, curtailing or avoiding the process of courtship.” I do have a problem with the notion of avoiding courtship because I think anybody getting married ought to have the chance to get to know the other through courtship before committing to marriage. How can you truly commit to a person if you don’t know them at all?

But if I am not mistaken, it sounds like for Crystal’s parents, it might have been more along the lines of parental matchmaking with the prospective bride and groom being given the chance to get to know each other a bit and decide if they were in agreement with the idea. I have NO problem with matchmaking, especially when done by the wise with an eye to the personalities and quirks of the parties involved. Matchmaking is a true talent and an art that I think has mostly been lost in our culture.

 

[chevalier]

I think when people meet on dating sites or singles activities, that’s also kinda arranged… You can arrange your own marriage as opposed to making a random decision.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I agree with you, CatholicGuy, but I find the divorce rate in our country to be so distressing. How can we impress on married couples the importance of honoring the commitment made before God to love and cherish each other “til death do us part”???

That’s a bigger question than I’m prepared/qualified to answer; I just don’t think arranged marriages are the solution for the high divorce rate in this country.

 

[budgie2]

Read the post at acts17verse28.blogspot.com/2009/06/lessons-from-abroad.html. It offers a few contrasts between the success of “arranged marriage” and “marrying for love”.

Do you think “arranged marriages” can work better than marrying for love?
Reading the tips for making “arranged marriages” succeed, what do you think? Do you agree with them? Do you think some of these ideas are wrong? Do you have other advice that they missed? What has helped your marriage to work?

Living close to a muslim community, some of them have more than one wife so it can be an unfaithful relationship. I’ve also got a friend who is a Sikh and her father went to sleep with prostitutes because he thought the wife chosen for him was ugly.

It’s hard enough to live with somebody for the whole of a person’s life so you’re better off choosing somebody you like.