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agnes_therese
Guest
Only because you’re letting her be. Why are you even considering giving her control over your spiritual life? That makes no sense at all.
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Iron_Chariot
Guest
Religious conflicts between a couple and one or the other’s family aren’t exactly uncommon, but it seems to me that you two are on a good track by having a united front on that subject. Religious differences unfortunately tear apart families more often than they should.
As to wanting her folks to like you, I would try to stay away from stealthily (let alone openly) proselytizing Catholicism to them; that only stands to make things worse at this point, given their flat-out hostility. You probably also don’t want to too obviously “be a better example of Christ” (to get them to see the truth you see in Catholicism); realize that they are ALSO probably trying to do the same thing from their perspective. If both sides are holier than thou, nobody budges.
Regardless of everybody’s religious views, we also all have to relate to each other on a human level.
Do they/did they like you as a person outside of your religious views? If they see you as a good guy despite being Catholic, then the problem rests entirely on their shoulders. They’re just going to have to suck it up and deal. Peer or family pressure, although it’s effective, is to me one of if not the worst reason to change your religious views
As to wanting her folks to like you, I would try to stay away from stealthily (let alone openly) proselytizing Catholicism to them; that only stands to make things worse at this point, given their flat-out hostility. You probably also don’t want to too obviously “be a better example of Christ” (to get them to see the truth you see in Catholicism); realize that they are ALSO probably trying to do the same thing from their perspective. If both sides are holier than thou, nobody budges.
Regardless of everybody’s religious views, we also all have to relate to each other on a human level.
Do they/did they like you as a person outside of your religious views? If they see you as a good guy despite being Catholic, then the problem rests entirely on their shoulders. They’re just going to have to suck it up and deal. Peer or family pressure, although it’s effective, is to me one of if not the worst reason to change your religious views
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Mrs_Sally
Guest
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend. One who is already Catholic.
Or perhaps she needs a new boyfriend.
But you’ve been “together for years” so the mom should have gotten over her questions or at least you should have learned to say, “Hey girlfirend’s mom - love you but I’m good with my church.” and then change the subject, “What are you doing for vacation this year?”
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Cider
Guest
Why did you bother to become Catholic if you are willing to consider abandoning your faith just to keep the peace with a potential MIL?
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Crimson_Silence
Guest
Lotsa good advice, lotsa terrible advice. The matter is settled. I think over half of the people who bothered to answered should keep on answering others problems; the rest, don’t do it again.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Oh, I see. Another person that didn’t like what they heard, so now half of us are just too dumb to answer anyone. Nice. Maybe your question was just not worth asking.
Perhaps you were just looking for everyone to agree with your way of thinking. Now that it didn’t happen, feel free to insult the “over half the people that responded” whose answers your thought were lousy.
So classy on your part, OP.
Perhaps you were just looking for everyone to agree with your way of thinking. Now that it didn’t happen, feel free to insult the “over half the people that responded” whose answers your thought were lousy.
So classy on your part, OP.
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QNDNNDQDCE
Guest
OP could have responded more graciously, but I understand his frustration at people lashing out at him for “considering abandoning his faith just to keep the peace with his girlfriend’s mother.” He never said he was abandoning his faith. If he was willing to do that, he wouldn’t have a problem to make a thread about. He was asking what to do to help assuage or deal with the religious contentions between him and his girlfriend’s family.
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pianistclare
Guest
Yes, nobody likes to be called out, but
remember his faith is listed as
"thinking of being former Catholic"
THAT’s why he got the responses he did.
My response?
Stand your ground for your faith. They may NEVER agree with you, but they WILL respect you in time for your convictions and faith.
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QNDNNDQDCE
Guest
Oh! I missed that. Thanks for pointing it out. Neverthless, even if OP is thinking about becoming a former Catholic, it doesn’t sound like he’s thinking about becoming a present Baptist. From what he said in the thread, it sounds like, even if he’s entertaining some doubts about his religion, he’s at least planning to raise his kids Catholic and continue practicing the faith.
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pianistclare
Guest
Yes.
And the best way to influence people of a different faith in a positive fashion is to be the best Catholic you can be.
Be the hands and feet of Christ, and let the Lord do the rest.
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Crimson_Silence
Guest
But if I continue to find some less-than-gracious Catholics, chances are I wouldn’t my children involved with a community full of such terrible people. I’d sooner hand them over to my girlfriend’s church and let them handle it. No church that claims to have truth could have such a terrible flock of followers. And I judge by its fruit, mind you.
I am a man, and I think. If the others don’t want to think, that’s their problem. I have as much right to cast as much doubt on faith, the Church or even people; if I feel they’re not worth my faith. And that’s that.
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pianistclare
Guest
Please do not make life decisions based on internet posts, no matter how gracious or snarky you perceive them to be. You asked for advice. Many people have expressed support and good advice.
Are there terrible Catholics in your parish? I doubt it.
Bloom where you are planted, eh? Christ encountered a lot of nasty folk. He remained true to His mission and to the Father. I think people posted their sincere, albeit, off the cuff, feelings. Based on the info you provided and their particular station in life.
Peace to you,
pianist
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Crimson_Silence
Guest
You are my representatives to Catholicism. If you come off as aggressive or cruel or malignant in any way towards me; that leads me to think that all Catholics are like that; especially since other Catholics who read this don’t say anything. So I am within my rights to judge Catholicism based on the experience I get from people who practice; in contrast to someone who goes either once a month or not at all. The priest doesn’t sit down and talk to me; he does the mass and leaves. The laity don’t talk to me, they attend the mass and leave. We have confession; we have prayers; but there is no talking.
So I’m left to the internet. You are my representatives to Catholicism. How you act towards me reflects on what I think of the Church as a whole; I’m the one struggling in faith, not any of you. And I really doubt that the Church would miss or even care about one more potential Catholic family who is no longer Catholic.
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EasterJoy
Guest
If you don’t convert, your MIL will probably keep trying to convert you, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you! It means she thinks you’ll be happier if you’re clapping. Seriously, you create problems by trying to appease someone besides the truth, including the truth that you make one life with your wife, and not with her extended family. Even if you married and your MIL didn’t like you, it wouldn’t mean that she would have liked someone else better or that you are not the exact person to make a good marriage with her daughter. Don’t give her that kind of power; trust the marrieds on that one.
Make the thread about you, and not about your MIL, because you can’t control her. You can only control you. You sound like you have a very solid woman willing to share her life with you, honoring your joint decisions against all comers, even her own flesh and blood. I’ve been married for over 25 years–follow her lead. She’s right. Struggle with the truth, but do not be tempted to treat something as the truth for any reason other than that it is true. When you stand before the Throne of God, after all, that will be the question: When you saw what was true and right, were you willing to live it, even to suffer for it? Dare to do that, and worry a lot less. It won’t be an offense against your MIL.
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oneofmany
Guest
From what I have seen on men marrying outside the faith they usually drop away to appease the wife. I also seems like you are half way out the door already with your statement of leaving.
I agree with what someone said on the Baptist faith. We went at Christmas to my SIL’s Baptist church for services, if you can call them that. Not at all as rich at the Catholic service and so much missing from worship. You would probably stop going to any church and that would be sad.
I agree with what someone said on the Baptist faith. We went at Christmas to my SIL’s Baptist church for services, if you can call them that. Not at all as rich at the Catholic service and so much missing from worship. You would probably stop going to any church and that would be sad.
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VivienneJ
Guest
The moment you decide that a bunch of anonymous strangers on an Internet forum are your representatives of reality you have stepped onto very shaky ground.
The anonymity of an Internet forum makes it very easy to come off as very harsh. Generalising on the basis of a very small sample is likely to lead to an erroneous conclusion; and be sure that the hundreds or thousands of CAF members are but a minuscule sampling of the Catholics worldwide. And of the vast number of CAF members, only a very few have responded to your question.
And how do you know that anyone responding here is a practising Catholic who goes to church more often than once a month, or even goes at all?
In both the parishes I belong to the priests do mass and leave, as you say. In the huge parish the priests can be found in their offices behind the church for quick discussions, or to make appointments for longer ones. At the small but widespread parish the priest has to leave to conduct Mass elsewhere. I can phone and make an appointment to see him at a mutually convenient time, invite him to a meal to discuss my concerns, or talk to one of the nuns attached to the parish.
Do the laity know you have questions you want answered?
Again, placing your whole trust in strangers on the Internet is not the best idea.
And how on earth do you know that you’re the only one here struggling in faith?
The “Church on the Internet” may well not, that is not reality; have you asked your real physical church community that? Have you gone to your priest with your concerns and given him a chance to help you?
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pianistclare
Guest
You have described what I find sad about the other faiths. Even when I lived in a town where I knew no one, and no one cared to know me, I never left my Catholic Church. I still went to meet HIM at the altar. I don’t go to be social, although over time, I find I am. I don’t go to make friends, though, once established there, I did.
I really don’t see how people have been awful to you here.
You started out on a line about leaving the faith to make peace with your MIL. Just about everyone said that’s not a good idea. I think you agree about that. If you argue, people will argue back.
Your point that everyone is cruel is just plain false. And you know it.
You are frustrated with your future mother in law. You are happy with your fiancé.
I don’t really see the problem, except that you are making it a problem.
It’s your marriage. “A man shall leave his mother and a woman shall leave her home”.
Have a great life. But don’t use all the people on the forum as an excuse to leave the Catholic Church.
As for not finding a priest to talk to you, you have to call and make an appointment. My pastor is the friendliest, most approachable man on the earth. But do no try to “catch” him after Mass on any day. Mass, for priests is a very deep experience. They can’t just “snap out of the moment” to answer big questions from people on the fly. They need time alone.
CALL the priest. Ask for an appointment. Bring your fiancé with you. You will have to, once you start marriage prep begins in earnest anyway. This is a good time for him to truly get to know you and your fiancé, hear the facts in detail, and offer you the best counsel he can.
Again, I feel like everyone wishes you well. Hope you receive their best wishes and prayers.
pianist
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Crimson_Silence
Guest
Are you not the Church?
It’s a Catholic website.
That’s why I expect the real Catholics to step up when there’s a lack of charity. Has this happened? Then I conclude you all agree.
And there are tons of others who want to see the priest, like me. So appointments are hard to get.
They don’t care.
Again, are you the Church?
Because someone like that wouldn’t be answering questions for other people’s problems.
Yes; thrice. They never got back to me.
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Crimson_Silence
Guest
The matter is closed. But I enjoyed the humor.
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MJJean
Guest
I hope you come back to read this.
I really wanted my in-laws to like me. But, realistically, we didn’t have much in common other than loving my spouse. I’m huggy, they’re reserved. I come from “the ghetto” and they come from an affluent neighborhood and were business owners before retiring. I was Pagan, they are Catholic. I have a GED and was a teenage mother, they are all well educated and had children later in life. We make it work by seeing the good in each other and being polite. Over time, warmth grew. I bonded with my MIL first because we both dearly love her son. I bonded with my FIL later as he and I see eye to eye on financial matters and where my husband is a bit more indecisive and impulsive, I tend to research a ton and make a firm decision like my FIL. So, when marrying and becoming part of another family you just have to find common ground.
As much as I appreciate others advice to let your GF talk to her mother, the reality is that if you marry into this family you’re going to spend time with these people and have to learn to swim in their pool, so to speak. So why not just speak with her mother politely and respectfully yourself? Explain to her that you are touched by her care and concern for your faith, but that faith is a personal matter between you and God and if you feel called to convert someday she will be the first to know. Otherwise, please stop conversion attempts. That’s what I’d do, anyways.
You might have noticed I married a non-practicing Catholic man who later returned to the Church and am converting. I am converting because I believe in Catholicism and not because I allowed anyone else to influence my decision. Nothing wrong with listening to others points of view and chewing them over, but you have to have the confidence in yourself to do what fells right to you regardless of what anyone else thinks.
I really wanted my in-laws to like me. But, realistically, we didn’t have much in common other than loving my spouse. I’m huggy, they’re reserved. I come from “the ghetto” and they come from an affluent neighborhood and were business owners before retiring. I was Pagan, they are Catholic. I have a GED and was a teenage mother, they are all well educated and had children later in life. We make it work by seeing the good in each other and being polite. Over time, warmth grew. I bonded with my MIL first because we both dearly love her son. I bonded with my FIL later as he and I see eye to eye on financial matters and where my husband is a bit more indecisive and impulsive, I tend to research a ton and make a firm decision like my FIL. So, when marrying and becoming part of another family you just have to find common ground.
As much as I appreciate others advice to let your GF talk to her mother, the reality is that if you marry into this family you’re going to spend time with these people and have to learn to swim in their pool, so to speak. So why not just speak with her mother politely and respectfully yourself? Explain to her that you are touched by her care and concern for your faith, but that faith is a personal matter between you and God and if you feel called to convert someday she will be the first to know. Otherwise, please stop conversion attempts. That’s what I’d do, anyways.
You might have noticed I married a non-practicing Catholic man who later returned to the Church and am converting. I am converting because I believe in Catholicism and not because I allowed anyone else to influence my decision. Nothing wrong with listening to others points of view and chewing them over, but you have to have the confidence in yourself to do what fells right to you regardless of what anyone else thinks.
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