The wrong vocation?

[Tezza]

Hi all. I would appreciate any guidance or inspiration you might have:

I married at 40, after trying to discern religious life (i.e. wrestling with, longing for, running from…) and felt fairly confident that God was inviting me to become a religious. I am not a mystic nor do I have locutions, but I heard a very distinct voice ask, “Why not you?” while praying for more vocations during a retreat I was attending. I actually jumped and looked around because it startled me.

Since I had desired married life and children since youth (I was around 25 when this happened), I had great fear and wrestled for many years. Even though I had an attraction to religious life that only strengthened over time, the fear of what I would be losing was greater and won out in the end.

Now, four years in to a difficult marriage and childless (no shock, since I was 40 when I started trying) , I am despondent. I don’t know what to do when your vocation doesn’t fit you and you seem to become the worst version of yourself. I liken it to a really miserable religious who figures out they don’t have a calling after all. Do you suck it up?

I must add that there were many reservations on my part and my family’s before the marriage. I was even dishonest on the questionnaire during marriage prep when it asked if you were having doubts. I ended the engagement at one point due to the constant fighting but, ultimately, went forward. Unfortunately, instead of resolving to push through, I always go to “I probably have grounds for an annulment” because of these circumstances, and I doubt whether this is even a valid marriage. FYI, my husband had 2 marriage annulled prior to ours.

One last thing to add…I work as a nurse with the elderly and dying, and absolutely love it. It makes me see how being a religious giving of myself in service in this way would suit me. I feel like the best version of myself at work. It makes me feel like I’m two different people and one of them is jeopardizing my salvation.

So would God want me to stay in a marriage because I made vows even though he didn’t call me to it? Would he want me to move on because it’s not my vocation? Again I site the religious who is unhappy.

I know this is lengthy and hope it makes sense. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you and God bless.

 

[EasterJoy]

Have you talked to your spouse about this? I think it is safe to say you at least need personal counselling, but probably marriage counselling, too.

There is a saying among the marriage therapists that even if you are in a bad marriage that you ought to leave, you need to “work your way out” of it. You owe it to your spouse to try to make your marriage work and you owe it to yourself to learn more about yourself and why you tried to force yourself into an identity that does not seem to suit you. Why are you assuming that you are unhappy because you are in the wrong state of life? You are not (I hope) assuming that getting yourself into the “right” state of life will be certain to lead to contentment in this life? It does not work like that.

It could be, after all, that you are suited for neither the married nor the professed religious life. It could be your marriage is valid but needs work. You may be battling depression or some other psychological issue that you had hoped you could cure by finding the “right vocation,” but which is something you had to address before any vocation at all was going to work for you. You need to find out which one that is, or if it is possibly something else altogether.

Give your marriage the benefit of the doubt until you are certain you have exhausted other possible reasons for your current discontent. Valid marriages are so often rendered unlivable by badly-handled midlife crises that it is almost a cliche. It isn’t always fast cars and younger women that are sought as the cure. Sometimes, it is the idea of religious life, too.

Above all, put your spouse and your spouse’s needs ahead of yourself. That is how Christian love works, no matter what your calling. That doesn’t mean you cannot discern that you are in an invalid marriage that is never going to work. It does mean not being self-centered about how you go about addressing this problem you’re in.

 

[Tezza]

Thank you, EasterJoy for your response. I will think more about the wisdom you have offered.

FYI-
Yes to seeing a counselor, both marriage and individual.

Blessings on the Solemnity of the Epiphany.

 

[joeybaggz]

I am despondent. I don’t know what to do when your vocation doesn’t fit you and you seem to become the worst version of yourself.

One last thing to add…I work as a nurse with the elderly and dying, and absolutely love it. It makes me see how being a religious giving of myself in service in this way would suit me. I feel like the best version of myself at work. It makes me feel like I’m two different people and one of them is jeopardizing my salvation.

I know this is lengthy and hope it makes sense. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you and God bless.

Where does it say we can only have one vocation in life? Your words almost glow when you speak of the joy and satisfaction you get from you work with the elderly and the dying. Sounds like a vocation to me. And you certainly are living out a commitment to several of the corporal works of mercy. Something that need not be in the context of a professed religious vocation, and something to be admired.

The previous poster gave very sound advice. All that I would add is find joy in your work and trust God to help you resolve the difficult things in your life. I know a number of people who got out of unfulfilling marriages and currently have a better relationship with their ex than when they were married, love their work and their life, and found growth and peace in the struggle. Place it is God’s hands, pray, and remember Christ’s most oft spoken words, fear not. Trust in God’s guidance and you will find yourself where God intends you to be.

Prayers and best wishes.

 

[turtle18]

How much did you discern religious life before you got married? It is very hard, although not impossible, for any women over 40 to enter religious life and I think it would be doubly so for both age and if you somehow annulled your marriage.

Maybe you can look into a third order so you can make vows within the third order. Hopefully, this will give you some peace.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I used to worry about something similar until I heard a priest say that God’s plan for us is primarily that we get to heaven. As long as we don’t sin, we don’t do anything wrong. Now, God has a plan for us all, but ultimately we will be naturally drawn to a certain way of life, or more than one and we have to figure it out for ourselves. There in no wrong path, since both lead to heaven, but one path you have the ability to be fulfilled and the other path you have the ability to be even more fulfilled. As in, potentially you can be happy with either marriage or holy orders, even if you happen to choose the one God didn’t initially intend, but ultimately as long as you do your best in your current role God doesn’t mind.

You don’t really have the excuse that you were called to holy orders to give up on your marriage. I don’t know why you are struggling, but it’s within you to accept your new vocation; God doesn’t mind that you chose one over the other as long as you strive to do good. You sound like the counsel of a priest or other councillor could really help you.

 

[Rosebud77]

I used to worry about something similar until I heard a priest say that God’s plan for us is primarily that we get to heaven. As long as we don’t sin, we don’t do anything wrong. Now, God has a plan for us all, but ultimately we will be naturally drawn to a certain way of life, or more than one and we have to figure it out for ourselves. There in no wrong path, since both lead to heaven, but one path you have the ability to be fulfilled and the other path you have the ability to be even more fulfilled. As in, potentially you can be happy with either marriage or holy orders, even if you happen to choose the one God didn’t initially intend, but ultimately as long as you do your best in your current role God doesn’t mind.

You don’t really have the excuse that you were called to holy orders to give up on your marriage. I don’t know why you are struggling, but it’s within you to accept your new vocation; God doesn’t mind that you chose one over the other as long as you strive to do good. You sound like the counsel of a priest or other councillor could really help you.

I never think like that and hate when folk say it to me.

One time some young evangelists from the North descended on my market stall (rosaries ahoy!) and when they had asked and been told what i was trading for, ie feeding babies in Indai, they chorussed " THAT WON’T GET YOU TO HEAVEN!"

They were TOLD, believe me and I have countered that argument many times. And I know the BIble very very well which was helpful…

Surely we help others as they are to us Jesus when they are in need. For His love with no other thought in mind? Not seeking anything for ourselves.

I said to them that thankfully that was not up to them to decide, or for me…

Living to love with no thought of any reward.

 

[Rosebud77]

OP you are doing great… so much sheer love flowing from you! Focus on that?

 

[1ke]

I get the sense of “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” from your post.

 

[Gertabelle]

I never think like that and hate when folk say it to me.

One time some young evangelists from the North descended on my market stall (rosaries ahoy!) and when they had asked and been told what i was trading for, ie feeding babies in Indai, they chorussed " THAT WON’T GET YOU TO HEAVEN!"

They were TOLD, believe me and I have countered that argument many times. And I know the BIble very very well which was helpful…

Surely we help others as they are to us Jesus when they are in need. For His love with no other thought in mind? Not seeking anything for ourselves.

I said to them that thankfully that was not up to them to decide, or for me…

Living to love with no thought of any reward.

In serving Christ in others, we grow in holiness because we grow in love. In that way, our service DOES direct us to heaven.

And the Church does in fact teach that the purpose of our vocation is to “achieve” heaven – not through our own merit, but in the learning of sacrifice and love-in-action (i.e., in service to Christ through others).

 

[Tezza]

I get the sense of “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” from your post.

I say that to myself as well

Who’s to say I would’ve been much happier in religious life?

I suppose I think I would’ve been because God calls us, IMHO, to what we are made for and would’ve been most fulfilling. I spent a time working as a nurse for the Little Sisters of the Poor. I loved the work environment, the work I did, that I could run over to the chapel for daily Mass…it was probably the time I felt like the best version of me, i.e. all the components helped support me in such a way that my good qualities were exaggerated and my worst were not challenged. I honestly don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Now, in marriage, I feel the exact opposite, the worst version of myself. It makes me ponder the fact that the selfishness was there all along lying dormant. So it’s good that God is bringing it out in me now???

Anyway, there’s my brain going in circles again. Thank you for the response

 

[Tezza]

In serving Christ in others, we grow in holiness because we grow in love. In that way, our service DOES direct us to heaven.

And the Church does in fact teach that the purpose of our vocation is to “achieve” heaven – not through our own merit, but in the learning of sacrifice and love-in-action (i.e., in service to Christ through others).

Thank you. I agree, which is why I get the sense that I’ve jeopardized my salvation d/t my lack of love, my selfishness, wanting to return hurt with hurt within my marriage. I sometimes wonder what the grace of the sacrament of marriage does for a couple tangibly and in real time because I certainly don’t feel I’ve grown any through these trials. I used to think I was a decent human being, but since I’ve been married, not so much. And yes, I go to confession regularly, attend Mass, go to adoration. I throw myself at the mercy of God praying that He will change me.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

 

[Tezza]

How much did you discern religious life before you got married? It is very hard, although not impossible, for any women over 40 to enter religious life and I think it would be doubly so for both age and if you somehow annulled your marriage.

Maybe you can look into a third order so you can make vows within the third order. Hopefully, this will give you some peace.

I “discerned” from the age of 25 on. It took a long time before I would even put a big toe in the water by going to a come and see weekend. I visit several orders over many years though I never formally asked for admittance. You are correct…most orders have an age limit, but I know of at least two who would’ve been open to having me apply, even in my advancing age.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you. I agree, which is why I get the sense that I’ve jeopardized my salvation d/t my lack of love, my selfishness, wanting to return hurt with hurt within my marriage. I sometimes wonder what the grace of the sacrament of marriage does for a couple tangibly and in real time because I certainly don’t feel I’ve grown any through these trials. I used to think I was a decent human being, but since I’ve been married, not so much. And yes, I go to confession regularly, attend Mass, go to adoration. I throw myself at the mercy of God praying that He will change me.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

It could be that marriage is the thing that is uncovering the things that stand between you and being a saint (which I define as someone that God and other people could actually spend a blissful eternity with, LOL.)

A lot of us would say that one of the graces of marriage is that it taught us we’re not quite the generous and easy-to-get-along-with souls we’d been giving ourselves credit for. Humility is one of the virtues of a saint, too, after all. It is not failing to rack up a debt that makes saints. It is realizing that one is a huge debtor, and in no position to throttle those who owe us a fraction of the tab we’ve run up ourselves.

It is very common to go to confession having failed in essentially all the same ways every time. It can be very discouraging, but it is par for the course.

 

[EasterJoy]

Screwtape Letters #XXVI

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

Yes; courtship is the time for sowing those seeds which will grow up ten years later into domestic hatred. The enchantment of unsatisfied desire produces results which the humans can be made to mistake for the results of charity. Avail yourself of the ambiguity in the word “Love”: let them think they have solved by Love problems they have in fact only waived or postponed under the influence of the enchantment. While it lasts you have your chance to foment the problems in secret and render them chronic.

The grand problem is that of “unselfishness”. Note, once again, the admirable work of our Philological Arm in substituting the negative unselfishness for the Enemy’s positive Charity. Thanks to this you can, from the very outset, teach a man to surrender benefits not that others may be happy in having them but that he may be unselfish in forgoing them. That is a great point gained. Another great help, where the parties concerned are male and female, is the divergence of view about Unselfishness which we have built up between the sexes. A woman means by Unselfishness chiefly taking trouble for others; a man means not giving trouble to others. As a result, a woman who is quite far gone in the Enemy’s service will make a nuisance of herself on a larger scale than any man except those whom Our Father has dominated completely; and, conversely, a man will live long in the Enemy’s camp before he undertakes as much spontaneous work to please others as a quite ordinary woman may do every day. Thus while the woman thinks of doing good offices and the man of respecting other people’s rights, each sex, without any obvious unreason, can and does regard the other as radically selfish.

On top of these confusions you can now introduce a few more. The erotic enchantment produces a mutual complaisance in which each is really pleased to give in to the wishes of the other. They also know that the Enemy demands of them a degree of charity which, if attained, would result in similar actions. You must make them establish as a Law for their whole married life that degree of mutual self-sacrifice which is at present sprouting naturally out of the enchantment, but which, when the enchantment dies away, they will not have charity enough to enable them to perform. They will not see the trap, since they are under the double blindness of mistaking sexual excitement for charity and of thinking that the excitement will last.

When once a sort of official, legal, or nominal Unselfishness has been established as a rule—a rule for the keeping of which their emotional resources have died away and their spiritual resources have not yet grown—the most delightful results follow. In discussing any joint action, it becomes obligatory that A should argue in favour of B’s supposed wishes and against his own, while B does the opposite. It is often impossible to find out either party’s real wishes; with luck, they end by doing something that neither wants, while each feels a glow of self-righteousness and harbours a secret claim to preferential treatment for the unselfishness shown and a secret grudge against the other for the ease with which the sacrifice has been accepted. Later on you can venture on what may be called the Generous Conflict Illusion. This game is best played with more than two players, in a family with grown-up children for example. Something quite trivial, like having tea in the garden, is proposed. One member takes care to make it quite clear (though not in so many words) that he would rather not but is, of course, prepared to do so out of “Unselfishness”. The others instantly withdraw their proposal, ostensibly through their “Unselfishness”, but really because they don’t want to be used as a sort of lay figure on which the first speaker practices petty altruisms. But he is not going to be done out of his debauch of Unselfishness either. He insists on doing “what the others want”. They insist on doing what he wants.

Passions are roused. Soon someone is saying “Very well then, I won’t have any tea at all!”, and a real quarrel ensues with bitter resentment on both sides. You see how it is done? If each side had been frankly contending for its own real wish, they would all have kept within the bounds of reason and courtesy; but just because the contention is reversed and each side is fighting the other side’s battle, all the bitterness which really flows from thwarted self-righteousness and obstinacy and the accumulated grudges of the last ten years is concealed from them by the nominal or official “Unselfishness” of what they are doing or, at least, held to be excused by it. Each side is, indeed, quite alive to the cheap quality of the adversary’s Unselfishness and of the false position into which he is trying to force them; but each manages to feel blameless and ill-used itself, with no more dishonesty than comes natural to a human… (cont)

 

[EasterJoy]

(cont)

A sensible human once said, “If people knew how much ill-feeling Unselfishness occasions, it would not be so often recommended from the pulpit”; and again, “She’s the sort of woman who lives for others—you can always tell the others by their hunted expression”. All this can be begun even in the period of courtship. A little real selfishness on your patient’s part is often of less value in the long run, for securing his soul, than the first beginnings of that elaborate and self-consciousness unselfishness which may one day blossom into the sort of thing I have described. Some degree of mutual falseness, some surprise that the girl does not always notice just how Unselfish he is being, can be smuggled in already. Cherish these things, and, above all, don’t let the young fools notice them.

If they notice them they will be on the road to discovering that “love” is not enough, that charity is needed and not yet achieved and that no external law can supply its place. I wish Slumtrimpet could do something about undermining that young woman’s sense of the ridiculous,

Your affectionate uncle

SCREWTAPE

 

[Tezza]

The Screwtape Letters yelled truth at me the first time I read it many years ago. Maybe I should read it again post marriage

 

[EasterJoy]

The Screwtape Letters yelled truth at me the first time I read it many years ago. Maybe I should read it again post marriage

It’s an enjoyable way to be told to take ourselves a lot less seriously. I’m guessing you could probably use that: the gentle nudge to take yourself seriously, the reminder of who is not on your side and who is more than on your side (praise the Lord), and an author who makes you smile whether you wanted to or not!

 

[Tezza]

It’s an enjoyable way to be told to take ourselves a lot less seriously. I’m guessing you could probably use that: the gentle nudge to take yourself seriously, the reminder of who is not on your side and who is more than on your side (praise the Lord), and an author who makes you smile whether you wanted to or not!

:thumbsup:

 

[1ke]

I suppose I think I would’ve been because God calls us, IMHO, to what we are made for and would’ve been most fulfilling.

and, I have to call you out on this.

God calls us to minister, sacrifice, and be holy in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in-- through our own choices or those of others.

Do you think African slaves thought their lives were fulfilled?
What about women in 3rd world countries?
What about those men working in the 1800s and 1900s in back breaking factory jobs?
You think St Teresa of Calcutta’s dark night of the soul was fulfilling?

NO. These things are not fulfilling. They are what they are. In these circumstances, God calls us to persevere, to be holy, to find the joy of life in Christ despite whatever unfulfilling, mundane existence we have dealt ourselves or others have dealt to us.

You are a wife, be the best d*mn wife you can be. It’s not about your own existential fulfillment.

I spent a time working as a nurse for the Little Sisters of the Poor. I loved the work environment, the work I did, that I could run over to the chapel for daily Mass…it was probably the time I felt like the best version of me, i.e. all the components helped support me in such a way that my good qualities were exaggerated and my worst were not challenged. I honestly don’t know if that’s good or bad.

You don’t have to be a little sister of the poor to work with them and for them. Ta-da, you’ve already proven that. It is great that you have work you like to do.

But I think you are missing the bigger picture. Even if you were a ditch digger, the garbage emptier at McDonalds, or the barn cleaner on the fam-- work has dignity because people have dignity. Work is not who we are. Work is what we do. It’s nice when it’s when you like what you do, but it is not God ordained that it has to be fulfilling. God doesn’t promise “fulfilling”.

You get out of your job and your vocation what you put into it. Right now, it sounds like you are all about take and not about give.

Now, in marriage, I feel the exact opposite, the worst version of myself. It makes me ponder the fact that the selfishness was there all along lying dormant. So it’s good that God is bringing it out in me now???

It sounds to me like you use God as a cop out. There is so much nonsense out there about God giving you your soul mate. God leading you to your perfect job, spouse, life, whatever.

God doesn’t work like that. For 99.9% of people, we don’t have an extraordinary call or mission. We aren’t St Paul knocked off our horse and sent on a mission. We are just Bob, and Sue, and Mary doing our mundane little jobs in a mundane little world. We could choose the path on the right, on the left, or straight ahead. And, God will help us in whatever of those paths we choose. It is a mistake to think that you have one path, ordained by God. That is true for a very few special souls in salvation history. The rest of us, he uses us where we are doing very ordinary things.

You chose marriage. Now live it. Stop trying to convince yourself God had some grandiose plan for you and you let it pass by.

I am sure in writing this sounds harsh, it always loses something in written word. I don’t mean it harshly. I hope you can see I’m trying to give you some things to think about given the (very limited) things you’ve written here that we have to go by.

You need to go all in. Sounds like from the beginning of your marriage, you never did that.