Theory versus practicality of accepting God's mercy - torturing myself!

  • Thread starter Thread starter Jessie
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

Jessie

Guest
Although a ‘cradle Catholic’, I went totally off the rails as a teenager, was promiscuous, got drunk and did loads of drugs. I stole, cheated, lied. I haven’t murdered anyone, but done pretty much most else.

I stopped attending Mass for a couple of years, but mostly I have been a lukewarm in-name-only Catholic living a very bad life. I think that my lukewarmness has led to my children abandoning their faith.

About a year ago, I started to really have a conversion. I have learnt a lot, my faith is so much more important to me, although difficult to embrace as fully as I would like due to difficulties with very atheist husband. So, I am now constantly torturing myself regarding salvation, God’s mercy, salvation, everything.

I know all the theory, but I can’t seem to accept it, which feels like a sin in itself and I’m in a ridiculous vicious-circle. I have lived such a bad life. And I have so many bad habits. For years I have sworn and used God’s name in vain - I make huge efforts not to, but it still occasionally (too frequently) slips out. I am judgmental, impatient, selfish… I worry there are many sins I haven’t confessed. Maybe I have sinned too much or have unconfessed sins that are blocking God. I tried to talk to my priest. I just cried like a baby, and he told me that Jesus came for sinners . I know all that, but I can’t seem to accept it.

I love God so much, I want to love Him. I am so sorry for my decades of abusing Him. This whole talk of a personal relationship, I just don’t get it. I feel like I’m on the outside banging helplessly a one-way sound-proofed window., and it’s futile. How do I fix this? Did any of this make sense even?
 
Well, you start by taking a deep breath and chilling a little. God is bigger than you and He can handle everything you’ve done.

Seriously, take a deep breath.

Interior conversion takes time, and getting used to forgiveness and mercy, and being aware of the reality of sin – all that takes time as well. Be at peace and “trust the process” as they say.

Don’t stress over salvation, God’s mercy, and “everything.” God is bigger than you, your husband, your sins, etc. Just focus on Him and let the rest go for now.

And breathe…
 
“Jesus is with you even when you don’t feel His presence. He is never so close to you as He is during your spiritual battles. He is always there, close to you, encouraging you to fight your battle courageously. He is there to ward off the enemy’s blows so that you may not be hurt” - St Padre Pio

I was there too once, I’m a cradle Catholic too that became luke-warm until my conversion back just last December. Though I did stress a lot, I seeked out to learn and what I have learned in that time is that the devil can be very strong in driving worry into us, but it’s always helpful to know that God loves all of us no matter what. The fact you want to reconnect with him shows God you care deeply.
Like the post above, it takes time with the interior conversion, but with trust and patients, everything will fall back into place. Do not worry yourself (which I know is easier said than done), Jesus will always be with you, even if you can’t feel it quite yet.
My prayers will be with you and your family, you are all loved deeply. ❤️
 
It takes awhile to get “head knowledge” (for instance you know In your head that you’re forgiven) into “heart knowledge “ (feeling forgiven). Be patient with yourself.

Out of curiosity, what triggered your reversion?
 
Last edited:
If you confessed with a contrite heart, your sins are gone. All of them. Zero exceptions.

Are you worthy?

No!!!

None of us is. That is the mysterious nature of God’s infinite love and mercy. He could have called you to judgment at any time, but waited for your heart to turn. We are allowed to remember our sins so that we have warning if tempted in the future. Those memories are hideous, but God does not want us to beat ourselves up over something He no longer remembers.

Think of the greatest Saint that you can imagine. They were no more worthy of God’s mercy or grace than you are. It’s all His gift to us. He simply expects us to cooperate with His grace, partake of the Sacraments and, as Saint Padre Pio said:
“Pray, hope and don’t worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful”
Click to expand...
 
Thanks to everybody for your replies. I will digest them slowly.

As for my ‘reversion’ (a new term for me!) it’s kind of long but there are two main factors which coincided. First, in an argument about religion, my husband jibed at me that I didn’t know either the bible or my faith that well. I knew what he said was true, so started to read the bible (am REALLY struggling with OT 😧 ) and learn about the Church, and I don’t know how, but I came across Sensus Fidelium on You Tube. This has been a huge gift and learning experience for me.

Then, I got increasingly frustrated with my church/local churches, partly because I was already, but also my increased knowledge led me to understand just how bad things are. (our local church, you could definitely mistake it for protestant - there is a female assistant, and she often reads the sermon, while the priest sits there and listens, and she is regularly dressed almost like the priest, wearing a scarf in the liturgical colours - you would think she was concelebrating. Or the priest does 45 minutes of blah blah blah, then skips straight to the Our Father and Communion, no liturgy of the Word, no Liturgy of the Eucharist, ie no Mass. Or the congregation ‘dipping’ - intinction(?) Anyway, this led me, in desperation to the Tridentine Mass, which I’d never been to before. What an amazing eye opener. I struggle, as I am so new there, but really feel the majesty and reverence that I’ve been craving. BUT I can’t take me kids there - I went once with my son, who didn’t like it because he couldn’t understand it, and it went on too long. So, I go when I can during the week, but on a Sunday, I’m at a loss and a bit of a gypsy, desperately hunting a parish that has a normal, bog standard, by the book mass without going off-road into stuff that’s just not right.

I can’t thank everybody enough though. I will ponder all these replies.
 
Jessie said:
Or the priest does 45 minutes of blah blah blah, then skips straight to the Our Father and Communion, no liturgy of the Word, no Liturgy of the Eucharist, ie no Mass.
Click to expand...
Are you sure this is a Mass and not a communion service?
Is this the only Catholic church in your area?
Are you sure it is a Catholic church and part of your diocese?
Does the priest celebrate other Masses that have all the parts?

With respect to the woman reading the homily, was she a special guest permitted to speak on one occasion, such as an appeal for funds? Surely she is not reading the homily every Sunday?

I guess if you are now attending TLM, it doesn’t matter, but it would be a bit unusual to have everything you say going on regularly at one parish and no one complaining. The priest speaking and then going straight to Our Father and Communion sounds like a communion service to me.
 
Last edited:
Scripture talks about the Spiritual Life as a journey and also compares it to human life.

You don’t expect a toddler to balance the check book, you don’t expect a middle schooler to get a mortgage, you don’t expect a first year med school student to do a hear transplant.

We grow in grace, so, leaving the “old self” behind and becoming a saint is a lifelong process.

We don’t have to go pick the leaves off the oak tree in the autumn. There is a natural process and it ends with even the stubborn dead leaves that hung on all winter long being pushed out by new growth.

Keep on the journey, keep growing.

ETA: Have you tried out Formed.org? Many parishes give a free subscription, or, you can sign up
 
Last edited:
Tis, I don’t really want to go totally off-topic, but yes, definitely Catholic church, that has really lost it’s way in a way I’ve never experienced anywhere else in the world.It’s heartbreaking and frustrating.The woman is attached to a local parish and it was not a one off, sadly. I thought communion services were only for when a priest was not available?

theLittleLady, I really like your analogy and comments too.

I will looked at Formed. I don’t live in USA, don’t know if that is relevant.
 
I guess it is possible that a church could go way off the rails. If it is not in USA, it’s hard for me to comment on what might be going on. Priests can host communion services, or at least they could when I was in high school because they would have them from time to time when time did not permit a full Mass, but you are right that they generally happen when the priest is absent.
 
Last edited:
Ahhhh, I am not sure about the international reach.

When in conversation with modern atheists, I have found the Strange Notions website to be quite helpful.
 
Allow The Lord use time (a tool in His hands) to water the seed He has planted in you. Reading the Bible is good too.

How is your relationship with Mary?. She knows much about her Son and is willing to share.

The rosary and maybe devotions to Mary can foster growth in joy, humility, love, obedience and unwavering trust.
 
Last edited:
Jessie said:
I am so sorry for my decades of abusing Him.
Click to expand...
When Jesus spent his time on Earth, he would have lived by the greatest commandments, but how did Jesus love all his neighbours as he loves himself? How did Jesus hold out his hands on the cross; and love the man with the hammer and nails; as he loves himself?

Jesus died for you and for me, he must love us as much as he loves himself.
 
Turning your life around is a process. Anybody with a sinful past is bound to struggle. Persevere. Pray. Meditate. In time you will have peace and sins will not cloud your mind.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top