Things you wished to have done *before* your first child

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alice24

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Some told the advice of waiting with the first child is not in general right or just overrated. I think of this often, and as I found very, very good advice and nice discussion here, I would like to ask the question above.

I don´t speak of regrets or too early marriages etc. More the practical issue (holiday trips? Finances? Living-area changes? Time as a couple together? Parenting advice?). I´m interested 😀
 
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We backpacked through Europe and Africa for 9 months after the wedding. It was an eye opening and exhilarating experience. Unfortunately it was not a Catholic marriage and didn’t last. But it could work for Catholics who used NFP.
I think traveling before children come is a good idea as it gets more complicated with children, who need stability and roots.
Some people are able to do it well, though.
 
This came in my mind, too - thank you. I´m thinking all the time if we should have this long trip, but it´s not that easy for financial reasons, as it is complicated with our dog. But this “lets go for the Trans-Siberian Railway” voice is definetely in my head 😂
 
alice24 said:
This came in my mind, too - thank you. I´m thinking all the time if we should have this long trip, but it´s not that easy for financial reasons, as it is complicated with our dog. But this “lets go for the Trans-Siberian Railway” voice is definetely in my head 😂
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If you want to go, definitely go as soon as you can.

A lot of things are less complicated at your stage in life.

Regarding your OP:

–Do at least one special trip right away, if it’s at all possible.
–Enjoy your time together (but unless your schedules conflict and you barely see each other, this will probably happen naturally)
–With finances, you don’t need to have everything perfect, but you should be moving in the right direction and have at least some preliminary plans. Do a budget together every month and start saving now if you can.
–Have a joint 5-year plan. You’ll probably have to change it, but keep talking about this as you go on.
–I don’t know what your space needs are, but I think a one bedroom apartment is the minimum for a young American couple (that means one bedroom plus a living space). Husband and I lived briefly in a one-room apartment (what they call an efficiency or studio apt.), and it was too cozy even for newlyweds. I’ve heard the same from another friend, that it was a HUGE improvement just moving into a one-bedroom apartment.
–Don’t worry about getting exactly the right housing for children until you have children. Babies are fine in apartments and your ideas about what you need in a home is going to be constantly developing as your kids grow.
–Moving with children doesn’t have to be terrible if you have enough help, and it’s actually pretty easy to move with a small infant. (Toddlers need a lot of watching during moves, though, so it’s best to have an extra pair of hands available.)
–The British book “Your Baby and Child” is excellent for age 0 to 5 and has very pretty pictures.
–In the early years, it’s nice to live in a walkable neighborhood, so that you can go for a walk with a stroller and go to the library/bookstore/coffee shop/playground/grocery store/school/church/etc. A little green space at home for small children is also nice, but you probably won’t get much out of it until 1.
 
Thank you very much for all the advice! The trip thing seems important for me, too, we will see how to organise it. Maybe there´s a middle way with dog and low budjet.
Xantippe said:
–Do at least one special trip right away, if it’s at all possible.

–Enjoy your time together (but unless your schedules conflict and you barely see each other, this will probably happen naturally)

We do. I ask myself if we still can do this the first time with baby and if we should wait and enjoy this time. I wonder when children are old enough (or too old?) for travelling easily with them.

–With finances, you don’t need to have everything perfect, but you should be moving in the right direction and have at least some preliminary plans. Do a budget together every month and start saving now if you can.

I have our household book and we have a budget on food, rent, diverse and “culture”-speak: hbby money. Then a plan for paying back the student loans. Waiting until this is paid is unrelastic, but the plan is fixed. First we had both the idea of divided pockets instead of rent and food, which caused a little mess and is not that easy as thought (we now have more shared money).
–Have a joint 5-year plan. You’ll probably have to change it, but keep talking about this as you go on.

–I don’t know what your space needs are, but I think a one bedroom apartment is the minimum for a young American couple (that means one bedroom plus a living space). Husband and I lived briefly in a one-room apartment (what they call an efficiency or studio apt.), and it was too cozy even for newlyweds. I’ve heard the same from another friend, that it was a HUGE improvement just moving into a one-bedroom apartment.

Fortunately, we found an apartment in the german east with 3 rooms plus kitchen and bathroom for a price were you won´t find a pig´s box in our home city. So, space is there, and a very nice neighborhood with many young families. Central city is 5 minutes via bus or 15 by foot. Living costs are a wayyy cheaper than in the west, so being active with kids won´t be that heavy fr the pocket.

–The British book “Your Baby and Child” is excellent for age 0 to 5 and has very pretty pictures.

Thanks! As you seem to have always an useful book in your mind (which is really great, thank you!), do you also have a book tip for young couples with first child and organising time as a couple? I fear, even if I don´t hold that romantic views on marriage, a real lack of …well, romance when we have children. Maybe coordinating time helps and tips on that, too.
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Oh sorry, I hope you see my answers under yours. The comment function didn´t worked as I wanted it.
 
Travel with kids is a blast! I cannot think of anything that I would not have rather shared with my child.
 
seems to be a dilemma. When we are young and poor, but alone, we can´t travel because of money, when we are better financially we can´t because of kids :roll_eyes:😂

I should think of a low budjet gipsy like lifestyle.
 
alice24 said:
When we are young and poor, but alone, we can´t travel because of money, when we are better financially we can´t because of kids :roll_eyes:😂
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Basically.

Also, once you have kids, you’ll want to spend your money on them.
 
alice24,

–Different kinds of travel are fun at different times. For example, babies from about 3-9 months travel very well on planes. You just carry them just about anywhere and do fine. However, I am less fond of air travel with 1-3 year olds, who have more opinions and more need for freedom. In fact, at some point, I just decided I wasn’t going to get on a plane with a 1 or 2-year-old, even to see family unless it was an emergency. I took Baby Girl on a big trip to the West Coast (2 hour drive, 5 hour flight, 4 hour drive by car one way) by myself when she was 7/8 months old, and it was a fantastic trip. However, remembering less enjoyable trips with the big kids when they were little, I left her at home with my husband the next few years and just took the big kids with me. This past year we had a BLAST (a very expensive blast) doing the same trip as a family of five, the first time the five of us have ever gotten on a plane together–the kids were 14, 12 and 4. It was a lot more expensive because we stayed at a hotel and rented a car. It was also a very taxing experience because the youngest was having toileting issues, and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom with her. She also threw up in our rental car. This wasn’t as terrible as it could have been, but I did wind up waiting with three kids in the lobby of a fancy downtown hotel with a car seat soaked with vomit and a plastic bag full of vomit-covered clothes. Classy! It also turned out to be the wrong hotel and my husband had left to return the rental car. Fortunately, I was able to reach him by phone before he returned the car.
–That was the worst day of the trip, though. Our youngest was absolutely enchanted by the experience and has been talking about our trip next summer. It made a huge impression on her that she got to go to the beach with her small (German!) boy cousin and she got to play in snow for the first time and go to a picnic with hotdogs and marshmallows!
–I am looking forward to travelling with the big kids when we have the money.
–Yes, separate finances don’t work well unless you’re rich.
–Congratulations on the apartment! It sounds amazing!
–How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids is very good. Don’t be scared by the title. If you read it, you won’t make the mistakes she and her husband did.
 
TheLittleLady said:
I cannot think of anything that I would not have rather shared with my child.
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I can!

A 15-hour flight from Seattle to Vladivostok with a toddler.

(I actually did that flight both ways with a Russian friend with her 5-year-old and it was surprisingly OK.)
 
This is so useful, thank you - I have nearly zero experience with daily life with children. Yes,there is the little one of a good friend, but this little boy is that quiet, nice and uncomplicated that everyone questiones he is not on happy pills all the time and at least, I don´t share their tasks and daily business, as good as it may look from the outside. They also have a huge car and take all the child´s stuff with them even for a weekend trip, something we just can´t because we have no car and no driving licence (something I maybe should change before the kids. We lived always in a rather urban area when it comes to traffic and university taxes include train tickets - they are so expensive that a driving licence was never worth a thought of).
Did you experienced much stress with hostile people when you travelled with little or older children? Or no-go styles of vacation or countries with children? (beside the classical party trip to vegas I wouldn´t do without children, too) 😉
Sadly our dog is that stressed out by the move that he refuses to stay alone without making a “we make a loud mess in the appartment” party and we have to train with him the folowing months. If this wouldn´t be the case, I would consider a plain trip until we have children. The other side is, a bigger trip would mean taking more money from the student loan cass. I am still not sure if this is ok because it could be the last chance for years for us as couple to see the world or if it´s just silly to make more loans for the future we have to pay for.
What makes me insecure is that there are really no role models for this here in my space. Friends are all without children, or much older, or I found the marriages I see every day so terrible that I thought I don´t want marriage and children for a long time in my life. Even “moms” in TV promote that you are unsexy, stressed out, cold with your husband etc. Not that I believe all this, but know I realize how little my knowledge about dealing with marriage and children is.
Thank you so much for the congratulations. You helped alot on this bard with making clear it was necessary ☺️
It is still strange to be that far away from our home, but we like it and we feel it was right. People here are a way more relaxed and freindly than in frankfurt.
I will defnately check the book out, thank you!
 
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alice24,

–We also lived in central Washington DC from when our oldest was 1 to almost 5. We didn’t own a car until we had two children, almost 5 and 2. It worked out OK (driving and parking in DC is terrible) but then we moved to TX and had to buy a car and learn to drive. With 3 kids, we have a 7-passenger minivan and love it. It’s like a house on wheels–so I understand your friends. (It is difficult as an urban family to deal with taxis and car seats–much simpler when they are always in the car.)
–In an urban setting, I think you’ll really enjoy a jogging stroller (single or double when the time comes). The quality of stroller makes a huge difference. Umbrella strollers can be nice for travel and single umbrella strollers are OK in the city, but I have to warn you that double umbrella strollers are terrible to push–double joggers are much better for long city walks.
–It is nice to have the stroller set up so that a toddler has a tray for snacks and a cupholder.
–A stroller cupholder for mom is nice, too.
–Also, do you have a working elevator in your building?
–I’ve rarely encountered hostility to children in the US, aside from maybe three memorable episodes (two in church). But this is probably very specific to different countries.
–Poor doggy!
–I wouldn’t borrow money for a trip, but if you saved a few thousand dollars for a trip, you could have a good time. (I haven’t traveled for a long time, but I am partial to the Baltics and Poland.)
 
On a totally different note, I have had several friends tell me they regretted not going to daily mass and adoration more before they had children. While some people do manage it with children, it often just becomes too hard.
 
To be honest, I can´t go daily even without kids. The next church is not in the near of my workplace and mass is at 8:30 - this is something imossible with work. But to concentrate more on participating is a good idea. I will see which opportunities I have when I am at least a few weeks here in the new town.
 
Sometimes I wonder what dads answer to those questions. Many women seem to be a way more clearer with their specific agenda befor or after childbirth. When I read about this, sadly, most dad-perspective guides only talk about “how I make my wife sexually interested again after a baby” , not on what they wished to have done before, or what they should have done after etc.
 
I’m a dad, but I don’t think my answer would necessarily be applicable to others.

I got married at an older age, so I had done most of the things in my life that I wanted to do while I was single. I had no gaping holes that, I felt, would have left me miserable if I had never been able to do.

Our first child arrived just a couple weeks short of our first anniversary. Raising children was really the only thing that I wanted to do at that point - nothing else would have given me anywhere near the satisfaction.

But, it is true that children take just about all of our thoughts, money, time, and energy. My wife and I took a couple of vacations before our first was born - and those were very nice - I didn’t realize how much different every vacation afterward would be. So I guess I’m glad we took them.

And after the children are born - even your friendships change. This isn’t because you plan it that way - but when you start planning your day around play dates and school, then sports activities, you start interacting with people sitting in the stands beside you. You begin to have less time, money and energy to do as much socializing with those people you used to hang out with. And when you do, if they are not at the same stage with children that you are, it seems harder to relate to them and them to you. It’s not that you don’t keep your old friendships, it’s just that they aren’t quite the same.

I would say that if there is anything athletically you would like to accomplish, i would recommend that you work toward achieving it before. Going out for runs or going to the gym or biking become more complicated when you have young children. And when the kids are very young, your sleep suffers - so you no longer have the energy. So I would say - if you had in the back of your mind that you wanted to run a 10K or a marathon - start training now.

And I will refrain from giving parenting advice right now, except for this. You will get a lot of advice from others - especially our own parents and in-laws. Decide how you will raise your children - Thank others for their (name removed by moderator)ut, but do things the way you and your spouse intended. Do not let other tie you in knots or make you feel guilty. Especially when it deals with your first holidays with children because it will set the tone forever. If you feel like you would prefer to celebrate Christmas with your spouse and child - and you don’t want to spend the day in an airport or car traveling for hours, then getting in a car and travelling to the other side - you need to make that clear. It seems that everything you do with a child will give others an opportunity to share their advice. If you allow it - it will make you feel like you are doing it incorrectly. And if there are any conflicts - decide that you will deal with your family and your spouse will deal with his.
 
alice24 said:
Sometimes I wonder what dads answer to those questions. Many women seem to be a way more clearer with their specific agenda befor or after childbirth. When I read about this, sadly, most dad-perspective guides only talk about “how I make my wife sexually interested again after a baby” , not on what they wished to have done before, or what they should have done after etc.
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I think my husband would simply say that he wishes we were a bit better off financially, but I don’t think we are doing too terribly. Sure, money is tight, but if we say that we have to be “perfectly financially stable,” we’ll never have kids.

I would have liked to have had more time before being pregnant to just be with my husband, out walking downtown, visiting a museum, playing badminton, etc. We met and began dating for a year, got engaged for a year, and got married this past summer. We’ve really only had one full summer together with no commitments. Last summer was spent last minute preparing for wedding, and then the wedding and the honeymoon. Our first child is due a month before our first anniversary, so by the time the weather gets warm again, I’ll be in my third trimester and then have a newborn.

That being said…we are both thrilled to be expecting. My parents took my brothers and I on yearly vacations and we saw a lot of the country because of that, so I’m not worried about ease of travel (just money lol). And I’m looking forward to walking downtown in the nice weather pushing a stroller with my husband and doing things like that. Mostly I think it’s just a mix of cold weather blues and hormones that’s making this frigid weather extra difficult to bear. 😉 😛 My husband is 32 and I am 26…it’s time to have kids and I look forward to this next stage in our lives.
 
starlady said:
And I’m looking forward to walking downtown in the nice weather pushing a stroller with my husband and doing things like that.
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It is really nice!

If you have a zoo and good weather, that’s also nice!
 
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