Think I did the right thing?

[LaughingBoy1503]

I don’t know exactly why this is bothering me so much but it is. Not long ago I got home and my uncle, who I live with, asked if he could borrow a couple dollars to get some beer. If he was someone who could drink a couple beers and be cool I would not have a problem with that. The only thing is he acts really out of control when he is drinking. And he told me he was going to a friends house later. Him and his friends drink together. I told him “No” but about a minuet later I told him I would give him a tall can (25oz) of beer that I had. He was happy, but mentioned that he wanted to get “Wasted” So that makes me think he just wanted to “Pre game” a couple beers and that he was going to drink later with some friends.

So after thinking about it I told him that I have to take back the two beers because it is against my beliefs to get drunk (my uncle is not Catholic) and it would bother my conscience (I did not bother to go into how helping someone else sin is a sin, I don’t think he would understand) He said its ok. But I did feel bad that I said I would give him the beers but took them back.

Well about a half an hour later he approaches me again and begs for the two beers back. I told him I cannot help anyone get drunk, and that It was not personal. He assured me that he was not going to get drunk off two beers. Maybe not but my concern is that he would drink the two beers and maybe his friends would give him more beers later, so he would get drunk. He told me nobody is going to give him any beers and went on about how it is labor day weekend and he cant even drink a couple beers and that he needed them to loosen up so he can play his guitar. I don’t really believe him when he said he is only going to drink two beers. He gets drunk with his friends on Saturday night sometimes and he told me before I took back the beers that he wanted to get “Wasted” I though about it, but I still said no in the most apologetic way I could. I really did feel bad too. So he went for the door a little angry and said that now he was going to have to go to a friends house to see if his friend will give him some whiskey. Just like a angry teenager might do And he is almost 50 years old!

I just do not want to help anyone get drunk and be part of their sin. I do feel bad that I did initially give him the beer but took it back. That would bum anyone out. But I did do the right thing in the big picture didn’t I? He is going to do what he wants. Our beliefs are not his beliefs. All I was concerned about was myself being apart of that.

 

[MaryT777]

You definitely did the right thing. A fifty year old can buy his own alcohol and you don’t want to give him his “warm up beers” before he drives anywhere and kills someone.
He’s just using you for alcohol.

Good for you sticking to your guns. Perhaps he has an alcohol problem.
Mary.

 

[dee_burk]

it sounds like your uncle definitely has a drinking problem. You are right to not encourage it by giving him beer.

 

[1ke]

This is the sign of an alcoholic.

Since you live with him, you need to call up Al-Anon and start attending meetings. It will help you see this for what it is.

And, make a plan to move elsewhere at your first opportunity.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

You definitely did the right thing. A fifty year old can buy his own alcohol and you don’t want to give him his “warm up beers” before he drives anywhere and kills someone.
He’s just using you for alcohol.

Good for you sticking to your guns. Perhaps he has an alcohol problem.
Mary.

Thank you. Actually, he does not drive, he rides a bike. But riding a bike while intoxicated is also against the law. He cant afford his own anything really because he has a bad back and cant work and is waiting to get on disability. I don’t know about the alcohol problem. I don’t know if he would drink everyday if he had the money to or not. I just know I can tell every time he is drunk because he makes scenes and acts a fool. If he cant buy his own beer, obviously he is getting it from his friends. I just wish I would have said no the first time and left it at that instead of saying “No” then “yes” then “No” then “No” final answer. I messed up in that way.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

This is the sign of an alcoholic.

Since you live with him, you need to call up Al-Anon and start attending meetings. It will help you see this for what it is.

And, make a plan to move elsewhere at your first opportunity.

I appreciate your advice but it is not as simple as just moving away. It is my Grandmothers house. If I leave, she cant pay her rent. If she cant pay her rent, she will lose the house. And she wont kick him out. She just wont. I am not going to Al-anon meetings. I have seen the 12 steps stuff before, been court ordered to them and it is not for me. A.A. or Al-anon. But thank you.

 

[Allegra]

If there’s anything worse than being a drunk, it’s being a cheap, entitled drunk. Tell him to buy his own sauce if he wants it.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Please be assured of my prayers.

You have some big decisions to make here. How long do you plan on living with your grandmother and your uncle? It is admirable that you don’t want to leave her without finances, however are you planning on remaining in the home to help support her until she passes away?

I know that was not your original question, however you have an old drunk bothering you for drinking money and making you feel guilty. That is a toxic environment to live in and a very unhealthy home to attempt to bring friends or invite a date over to dinner or whatever your future holds for you. You did the right thing by turning him away that’s for sure! Now prayerfully consider doing MORE of the right thing by staying as far away from him as possible to give yourself the peace in life that you deserve. God bless you.

Thank you for your prayers I feel better.

It is really not like he bothers me with this all the time. It has probably been months since the last time he asked me to buy him/give him a beer. I am not so quick to label him a alcoholic as some have already, because he really does not get drunk that often. But when he does, he is a pain. I just did not want to help him get drunk. Although in a way I kind of did, because since I did not give him the beers, he had to go ask his friend for some whiskey

I can tough it out. it wont be forever. Maybe when he gets his disability and starts being able to pay rent, so that my Grandmother wont lose her house, I can leave if it gets really bad. Still, I don’t really want to leave my Grandmother alone, so I might stay until she passes on. She is 81. I guess my plan was kind of to stay as long as I am single and no woman wants to marry me We will see. It wont be like this forever.

 

[ClearWater]

I think you did the right thing. That would be a good limit to set, that if he’s going to drink, at least he needs to pay for it.

Also, as to alcoholism, it isn’t whether a person gets drunk nightly, weekly, or yearly. It’s what happens when he drinks. Without even getting drunk, I was seeing how he was being a problem for you. He’s bothering you for money or a drink, not accepting “no” as an answer, and getting angry with you when you didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s bothered you enough that you wrote a message here, so I think we can safely say it’s a problem and that your uncle is an alcoholic.

I think that’s an important point. He may think he’s not an alcoholic, but it’s important you realize the truth. It’s a first step also for you, to admit to yourself that he’s an alcoholic.

I have heard people with alcoholism, not in treatment or AA, do not get better, and can end up losing everything, in jail, or dead. I just hope you don’t get caught up further in his problems.

By defending him, saying he doesn’t have a problem, giving him money for beer or beer, it’s enabling him to continue.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I think you did the right thing. That would be a good limit to set, that if he’s going to drink, at least he needs to pay for it.

Also, as to alcoholism, it isn’t whether a person gets drunk nightly, weekly, or yearly. It’s what happens when he drinks. Without even getting drunk, I was seeing how he was being a problem for you. He’s bothering you for money or a drink, not accepting “no” as an answer, and getting angry with you when you didn’t do anything wrong.

It’s bothered you enough that you wrote a message here, so I think we can safely say it’s a problem and that your uncle is an alcoholic.

I think that’s an important point. He may think he’s not an alcoholic, but it’s important you realize the truth. It’s a first step also for you, to admit to yourself that he’s an alcoholic.

I have heard people with alcoholism, not in treatment or AA, do not get better, and can end up losing everything, in jail, or dead. I just hope you don’t get caught up further in his problems.

By defending him, saying he doesn’t have a problem, giving him money for beer or beer, it’s enabling him to continue.

What you heard about people not in A.A. or treatment not getting better is wrong. There are a lot of 12 steppers who believe that and tell others that, but it is just not true. If someone gets better in A.A. sure they are going to be very pro A.A. Some get better without treatment or A.A. and see A.A. as not necessary. I have known more people who quit on their own. Heck, I had a drinking problem and it was not A.A. that cured me (I know according to the 12 steps we are never cured, I don’t want to debate about that but I use the term cured for lack of a better term). But that is all besides the point. I am not defending him. Honestly, It does not matter to me whether he is a “Alcoholic” or not. Fine… he is a alcoholic See… there is nothing I can do about that. I guess I just wanted someone to tell me I did do the right thing and I do appreciate all the responses I have gotten. Like I said, I know it wont be like this forever.