Think my husband is asexual - help, please

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Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?
 
bumby said:
Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?
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All I can say is that is what I did is accept it. My wife resisted all efforts to discuss a similar situation get counseling etc. After many years I accepted it and I am very happy and still love her and being with her very much. I wouldn’t trade sex with a willing hypothetical wife for not being with her without sex.

That being said, accepting the current circumstances doesn’t mean that you should loose hope that things can be corrected. I don’t know if you read my post on the other thread, but there could be a number of issues that could cause this behavior, that are correctable, yet are very embarrassing for him to talk about.
 
How long has it been since your husband went to the doctor? Maybe he has a medical issue that is causing this. You do not have to give up on marital union. Do nice things for him. Leave notes in his lunchbox. Wear lingerie, make up, etc. Whatever it is that he likes. Your kids didn’t come from the stork (as far as I know) so there’s something he was interested in before. Don’t treat him differently than you did before. Still respect and love him and don’t talk badly about him to others or in front of your kids. Tell him you love him and are thankful for him. And pray as often as you can! Don’t make any excuses not to. Get a devotional and pray every prayer if you want! God and Our Lady always hears our prayers. 🙂
 
You’re not alone. Many of us have similar problems. The problem is that people are far to distracted with the race of life, especially if you have young children. But my teenager drives me nuts too. I see the light at the end of the tunnel for him. Our 2 younger children are not getting our best. We’re plum worn out. I’m on the verge of a complete breakdown with PTSD and my wife already suffers from it and her anger towards me triggers me into a panic. She just can’t think straight and now its wearing me down. I had come to some sort of functioning ability after my injuries, but apparently it catches up with you when you don’t take care of it. That’s not my fault. You can’t tell me Uncle Sam doesn’t know that counseling should always be conducted for at least a fixed period of time to get the soldiers to open up. They did the same thing with my father after he returned from Vietnam.

Truth is I fear exactly what you’re fearing. My wife just won’t “give it up.” in a charitable way. She always plays the victim, but will not face up to it. Sometimes it makes me doubt that she was ever injured. But that’s just anger talking. I do hope you find peace as many of us are also seeking the same thing. I do love my wife, but it ain’t easy being married without much sex. At least I get it about one every month or two. She tries to fill her life up with noise trying to zone out. Our children are suffering as a result. Honestly, had I know what she had and how severe it was I would never have married her. But maybe God knows something we don’t know. You think? 😉 Prayers.
 
I’m sorry to hear about this. It may be a physical problem and or stress/anxiety and he is too ashamed to get it looked at. Try to be positive in that way you frame the issue with him, ensuring him that you would like to express your love together physically and that the intimacy is important for you.
bumby said:
Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children.
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Can’t you pay a babysitter? This seems like a pretty important issue to address, so the minimal cost of a babysitter is surely worth it.
 
I don’t think living in a marriage where one spouse wants sex and the other permanently refuses is healthy. I would suggest talking to people about what options you have and what actions you can take. Taking action, even just talking to people, might diminish the sense of hopelessness you feel.

Maybe see a counselor on your own, since you seem to be the one suffering the most here. Or talk to a priest or trusted layperson in the church. Try to find someone who has encountered a situation similar to yours and can give you some guidance.

Also, try to stay busy with your own interests so that you don’t have time to dwell on this trial.

Finally, the ‘one day at a time’ adage has worked for me, as trite as it sounds. Ask God to get you through today, and stop worrying about tomorrow. Few trials last the rest of our lives, even if it seems that way sometimes.

Just some thoughts for whatever they are worth. Good luck and God bless.
 
underacloud said:
I
Can’t you pay a babysitter? This seems like a pretty important issue to address, so the minimal cost of a babysitter is surely worth it.
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I know that paying for medical care has crippled us. We can’t afford the physical care we need right now just from the deductables. We’re headed straight into major debt through Student loans trying to survive while keeping a roof over our children’s heads. If it were me, I’d bail on the house and automobile. But that would just make things worse. Now, when we sought mental health through our benefits, it was a major strain on our budget, but we did it to save our marriage more than a decade ago. It’s not always helpful. But it sure beats never talking about the problem. Go to counseling on your own. I use the university system and am now transitioning to the VA for my particular ailments, including PTSD. PTSD is far more common than I realized. Be patient, kind and loving. That’s your cross. My pastor told me something that I could never repeat in a million years correctly. But think of it as your “Dark Night of a Soul.”
 
:harp:**A kind and wise answer for a very kind, sensible, and compassionate person. **🙂
Carina20 said:
God and Our Lady always hears our prayers. 🙂
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Carina, just a little point where it could be confusing for some people, because non-Catholics read our replies and one of their objections is when we think answers to prayer come from her. 🙂 The are correct. Our Lady doesn’t answer our prayers, she intercedes with God for us. It is God who answers and grants our prayers. Please forgive my pointing that out after such a good and helpful post by you:)
 
Just because he won’t go to counseling doesn’t mean you can’t go. No one on a website forum can give you, in a few paragraphs of posting, the kind of help a therapist can give. If there are issues which needs to be dealt with, you need more help than a forum can give you - attitudes, emotion, family stress, financial, medical, hygeine, guilt, infidelity, fear of pregnancy, unemployment/underemployment, fear of losing his job…

Does your husband drink alcohol: wine, beer, other spirits? If so, does he average more than 1 bottle of wine, or 5-6 beers, or 6 ounces of liquor? Do you average more than 1/2 bottle of wine or 3-4 beers, or 4 ounces of liquor? (Women get drunk on less.)

If yes, that could definitely be the cause of the non-existent sex drive. Of course, if yes, you have other probems that are more significant.
 
bumby said:
Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?
Click to expand...
It’s a bad power imbalance when one spouse is always begging and the other has all the power to refuse, or, like a tyrant, grant intimacy only when HE or SHE deigns it is time.

Your husband doesn’t care about sexual intimacy? He’s got mental problems or physical problems. You know that, but cannot do anything about it.

I don’t understand why you’ve given up on counseling if your husband is willing. Hire someone to watch your children if you have to. You need to do this, and he is the party who is controlling your sexual life, so he needs to go as well.
 
bumby said:
Well, our attempts at counselling died a death. We cannot get anybody to watch our children. It seems of little consequence now. I am convinced he is asexual. Or has developed asexuality.

I feel nauseous thinking about it. The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious.

What makes it worse is that there is nothing I can do about it short of get his head checked.

Tonight I feel very sad that we ever married. I love him but cannot, categorically, accept that a long-lasting lack of sexual interest is normal.

What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?
Click to expand...
He has the moral obligation to visit a physician and a psychologist in order to understand and to know his personal sexual medical situation: mental problems, psychological problems, physical problems, physiological problems, sexual problems (the medical issues). You have the natural right to ask him that and to go with him to visit the medical specialists. For him**, it is a natural and sacramental obligation**, and for you, it is a narural and sacramental right: his body is your body.

After, he has a moral obligation to follow the treatments that are not against **the natural moral law and that are too much dangerous for his entire health: **for him, it is a natural and sacramental obligation.

He has the moral obligation to visit** a priest for talking about that: his spirituality and his religious mentalities, his conjugal affective problems, his sins against the sexual conjugal charity.**

He has** to force himself**, by love for you, to have the marital act with you: He has to make efforts on himself, step by step. This is the marital debt, a marital obligation, a right on his body in your favor, he is for you. He has to try, step by step.

His refusal of marital request of marital act can be immoral and thus a sin. Does he know that? Does he know his sexual obligations toward you?Does he know your sexual rights toward him?
 
bumby said:
The thought of never having sex again for the rest of my life makes me panicky and absolute furious. …
What do I do? Just ‘get over it’?
Click to expand...
What would you do if your husband was involved in some sort of accident and was left without the physical ability to “perform”? Would that somehow be ok? It would be something he would have no control over, so would that make it any easier to accept, or would you still feel “panicky and absolutely furious”?

If he does not have control over his current situation, then why is it any different than if he had a physical limitation? Is it simply because you don’t have anything physical and tangible to point to that makes it impossible to accept?

God promised us sacramental grace in marriage - He did not promise us sex.

~Liza
 
fpt said:
He has the moral obligation to visit a physician and a psychologist in order to understand and to know his personal sexual medical situation: mental problems, psychological problems, physical problems, physiological problems, sexual problems (the medical issues). You have the natural right to ask him that and to go with him to visit the medical specialists. For him**, it is a natural and sacramental obligation**, and for you, it is a narural and sacramental right: his body is your body.

After, he has a moral obligation to follow the treatments that are not against the natural moral law and that are not too much dangerous for his entire health: for him, it is a natural and sacramental obligation.

He has the moral obligation to visit** a priest for talking about that: his spirituality and his religious mentalities, his conjugal affective problems, his sins against the sexual conjugal charity.**

He has** to force himself**, by love for you, to have the marital act with you: He has to make efforts on himself, step by step. This is the marital debt, a marital obligation, a right on his body in your favor, he is for you. He has to try, step by step.

His refusal of marital request of marital act can be immoral and thus a sin. Does he know that? Does he know his sexual obligations toward you?Does he know your sexual rights toward him?
Click to expand...
 
Excellent information FTP and absolutely true. Note though that those points can be very difficult to get across with a reluctant spouse, it is really best for their priest to bring up these obligations.

I know in my situation that my wife, who is extremely conservative and traditional would avoid seeing a priest about these types of issues like the plague. Especially since she very much respected the great conservative priest I was speaking to as well as a very conservative religious sister. That is one of the reasons why I recommend accepting the current situation for awhile and letting things cool down. He won’t be very receptive about being dragged to see a doctor or priest in order to force him to deal with what he doesn’t want to.
 
I recommend reading “The Sex Starved Wife” by Michel Weiner-Davis. It will give you some new things to think about in how to deal with this issue.
 
Being “traditional” and “conservative” have nothing to do with avoiding talking about these kinds of issues. I’m pretty darn conservative and I’m a fan of Lating being injected into Mass and I have absolutely no qualms with this discussion or with discussions about sexual/pornography addiction.

The reason I didn’t in the past had everything to do with shame and that shame came from my own pride, not being being an orthodox Catholic.

I would hope that orthodox Catholics realize that by refusing to speak about these issues which are really and genuinely important (and not just a product of an over-sexed society) that they’re ceding ground to those who do not share their values.
 
The_Bucket said:
Being “traditional” and “conservative” have nothing to do with avoiding talking about these kinds of issues. I’m pretty darn conservative and I’m a fan of Lating being injected into Mass and I have absolutely no qualms with this discussion or with discussions about sexual/pornography addiction.
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You may have misunderstood what I was saying. My wife refused to deal with the issues despite being traditional and conservative. Some of the points related to the marriage debt and such that FTP brought up used to be standard fair in examinations of conscience and such until recently (last 40-50 years). The point is that these types of issues can have a powerful effect on people and really make them dig their heals in, even when it is against their core beliefs.
 
lizaanne said:
What would you do if your husband was involved in some sort of accident and was left without the physical ability to “perform”? Would that somehow be ok? It would be something he would have no control over, so would that make it any easier to accept, or would you still feel “panicky and absolutely furious”?

If he does not have control over his current situation, then why is it any different than if he had a physical limitation? Is it simply because you don’t have anything physical and tangible to point to that makes it impossible to accept?

God promised us sacramental grace in marriage - He did not promise us sex.

~Liza
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That is a different situation completely. If they were having a normal sexual life, and an accident happened so that one of them could not continue, presumably, they would both grieve the accident and the situation, and they’d both go through it together. The way it is, only one is going through the deprivation and the other one cares not one whit (bumby’s husband). It is a completely unbalanced situation, and her husband is not trying to fix it. The very LEAST he can do is to be honest with her and tell her he does not enjoy sex and does not want to have sex any more. And then let her decide what to do. It is not fair for him to enter into marriage and then summarily remove the intimacy and effectively tell her to sod off.
 
whm said:
Excellent information FTP and absolutely true. Note though that those points can be very difficult to get across with a reluctant spouse, it is really best for their priest to bring up these obligations.

I know in my situation that my wife, who is extremely conservative and traditional would avoid seeing a priest about these types of issues like the plague. Especially since she very much respected the great conservative priest I was speaking to as well as a very conservative religious sister. That is one of the reasons why I recommend accepting the current situation for awhile and letting things cool down. He won’t be very receptive about being dragged to see a doctor or priest in order to force him to deal with what he doesn’t want to.
Click to expand...
If he is a traditional and conservative husband, generally speaking, he has to respect the the catholic doctrine on marital act (marital debt): he has to force himself for his wife, he has to make sexual effort for his wife, he has to offer his body to his wife, he has to make a sexual donation of his body for the marital act. IT IS HIS MORAL OBLIGATION:

THE REFUSAL OF DONATION OF BODY VIA THE NONPRACTICE OF MARITAL ACT CAN BE IMMORAL AND CAN BE VERY SINFUL, IF THERE IS NO SERIOUS REASON. WHAT ARE HIS REASONS? SIN OR NOT, FROM HIM?

AND EVEN THE NULLITY OF MARRIAGE, IF BEFORE THE WEDDING, THERE WAS A GREAT PROBLEM THAT CAN DEPRIVE THE ESSENTIAL OBLIGATIONS OF MARRIAGE. (SEE CANON LAW AND CASE LAW OF ROMAN ROTA ABOUT THE SEXUAL OBLIGATIONS)
 
Can a man “force” himself to become “ready” for sex if he’s not interested or able? Plenty here seem to be making the assumption that he can even be in the proper readiness for sex in the first place, were he to “force” himself to do so.

A woman can make herself ready pretty much just by being there - but men need a little bit more to be goin’ on first… :rolleyes:

I can’t even believe I’m talking about this. 😊

~Liza
 
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