cynic:
I would say that “I love my spouse so much I want to express our unity and give myself to her completely” is also an act of self fullfillment. So what if you aren’t able to ‘give yourself’ - these kind of ascetic statements are examples of situational morality - the exact the same feelings are moral in one set of circumstances, but immoral in another. That doesn’t make sense - either a thought/urge is lustful or it isn’t - and if it isn’t who cares if your aren’t in the act? and if your can’t have self fullfillment then the otthe isn’t allowed to recieve fullfillment from you, or you from them. Oh great, what a party pooper attitude, godness knows what people who think this way actually do on their wedding nights.
Sin, as in the seven deadly sins, exists inside of us. They are the vices that motivates acts of sin. Acts of sin acts like fertilizer for the Sin in our heart. It is this Sin in our heart that God frees us from through grace which we receive primarily through the sacraments. Sin is like a weed that stifles and perverts the God-intended development of our nature, therefore our nature is distorted. The effects of Sin on our nature are what we label the seven deadly sins as. Affected by sin, our sexuality becomes lustful, our hunger for food become gluttonious, etc. When our natures are healed by grace, our sexuality becomes chaste, our hunger for food become temperant.
Chastity is not a lack of a sexuality. It is a purified sexuality. It does not seek sexual pleasure for its own sake. Yes, sex is an exchange, a constant motion of self donation and active receiving, appreciative receiving. With sin, the primary focus is on taking and submitting to be taken from or bartering in some sort of exchange to one degree or another. With chaste love, the primary focus is on giving, and the receiving is secondary. What is the purpose of giving of yourself if you are refused. In accepting what you receive, you learn to do it in a way so that your heart gives more of itself, submits to the gift received thankfully without greed or reservation.
Now, as we live in a sinful world and are people still affected by sin, the perfection of humanity is not yet reached and we will be touched with lust even in our marital relations. But object is to reduce the lust in our hearts so that our actions and our nature may be purified to that of which God wills.
So in reality, we have two natures, a good and a bad, so it is not really an either or thing at all. It is a matter of degrees and a matter of willingfully embracing the vice by giving into the behavior that builds it.
There are only some behaviors that are objectively sinful, and others are completely subjective, depending completely on the individual’s state and intent. It is not enough to just avoid act of sin though. Grace crowds out sin. Therefore go to Mass as frequently as you can, go to confession at least once a month and establish a daily prayer devotion such as the rosary.
A completely chaste person could be in a state of arousal and have complete self control. He could remain in that state and not act upon it either in thought or action or he could seek his wife, if he has one, and have self control enough to refrain from the sexual act say if they’re practicing NFP and its a time of peek fertility and the family is having financial problems or something. Overall, his will would rule his passions rather than his passions ruling him.
