Thinking aloud about a woman I work with

[on_the_hill]

I am the boss/manager/administrator/director/honcho of a small organization. It’s a white collar operation. I report up the line, but my superiors only care to hear from me a few times a year. In other words, on a day-to-day, week-to-week, month-to-month basis I’m in charge.

We have fewer than 20 people working here.

I’ve been lucky to have a capable Executive Assistant who keeps the office running and keeps me on my toes. Like, the kind of EA who scolds the boss for not signing letters in a timely fashion or for dropping crumbs on his desk. In contemporary parlance, when push comes to shove, however, she’s got my back.

Because we work closely on many things, most of what goes on during my workday involves her. So when I get home at night and my wife and I talk about our days (mostly she asks me about my day–as a college professor her days are mostly the same) a lot of what I have to talk about involves my interactions with the EA, and stories she’s told me about her life, her kids, etc.

No–don’t worry about infidelities. I admire the EA as much as anyone I’ve met. However, her personality doesn’t sit well enough with me in any way that would lead to anything more than the professional friendship we have. In other words, if I were single she and I would never get together.

I feel kind of self-conscious about it because, frankly, if the tables were turned I’d be jealous if it were my wife working so closely with a male coworker. (now that I think of it, she does get quite a few texts and calls from a guy who is a new instructor in her dept and he sees her as something of a mentor, and that doesn’t bother me.)

But I find myself wanting to censor what I say to leave the EA’s name out of conversation. It’s just weird.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I think there are many people who deal with similar issues… as in, what types of barriers should we put up (and how high should they be) in regard to sharing personal information between work and home.
There are certainly things that come up in general conversation around the office. I work with all males (engineering tends to be that way) and we chat about what’s going on with our families… friendly, surface-level conversations. I think that’s appropriate.
That doesn’t mean I need to bring home all the minute details of what my co-workers are telling me and share that all with my husband, though. If I shared every minute detail about what my co-workers happen to say in friendly chatter about our families it would imply that I’m *thinking *about them outside of work - that’s where I think it becomes inappropriate. I think bringing those details home can certainly stir up unnecessary jealousy, where it isn’t even warranted.
Sharing friendly discussions and banter with your co-workers is not a bad thing.
It is more important to protect your private relationship with your spouse, though… so those sort of chit-chat conversations don’t even need to be discussed or analyzed at home.

 

[Ophelia23]

I understand. There is a man that I work very closely with, and we are part of a 3 person group who does this line of work for our company. I and this man are the only two located in this particular office, and our third counterpart works with us remotely. I would never be interested in him on a romantic level. But when asked about my day, it’s hard not to talk about him. My husband once referred to him as my “work husband” and it made me wince. I don’t like the term.

 

[frizzgrig]

Not wanting to sound unnecessary alarm bells, but if you are uncomfortable talking to your spouse about someone you have a relationship with you need to talk to your spouse about your relationship with your spouse.

While it would be natural if your wife expressed jealousy over the amount of time this other person gets to spend helping you, ask you not to talk about it (or to provide exhaustive details), or not be bothered at all - you seem to have decided to not allow her to have the choice. You are doing your wife (and marriage) a great disservice by “hiding” this platonic work relationship.

Marriage is built on love. To love someone is to trust them completely.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your wife is a professor? She almost certainly works with men all day, including some very young and attactive men. She, too, is in a place of authority, and it would be unusual if she does not either rely on able administrative assistants or wishes she had one so that she could.

IOW: You shouldn’t worry that your EA is going to steal you from your wife. You ought to worry that your wife (or her academic department) might steal your EA from* you!!*

Her days may mostly be the same, but your wife has lots of thoughts going through her head. There are probably long-term projects in her head, too. If she finds it more relaxing to leave work worries at work, that is fine, of course, but some people are far too quick to say their work life is “boring”. Ask about what’s going on in her head. As the commercial goes:

Latin Lunch Date: Wow, you look delicious today.
Brown M&M: Delicious? Honestly, sometimes I think you only like me because I’m an M&M. *
Latin Lunch Date: That’s not true. What matters to me most is what’s on the inside.*
Brown M&M: I’m pure milk chocolate on the inside.
Latin Lunch Date: *And I love that about you. *
Brown M&M: *And here I thought you loved me for my brain. *
Latin Lunch Date: Is that made of chocolate too?
Brown M&M: Gosh you’re handsome.

Seriously, though, it will be easier to express admiration for your wife’s admirable qualities if you get out the pliers and make her show them off a bit. After all, her mind is one of the things you love about her!!

PS My husband talks about the women he works with all of the time. It would concern me far more if he seemed to be hiding something. Still, he has asked me if talking about them bothers me at all, because some spouses would be bothered as you say, and I appreciated his concern for my feelings.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I spend most of my day with males. I’m in a male-dominated academic program and previously I worked in a male-dominated industry. My fiance works with a couple of women, and at his previous job he worked with a young, attractive woman, and at a job that I held a couple of years ago my boss made a fair bit of money on the side as a male model. None of this has ever been an issue because we have rules. These rules apply to members of the opposite sex that could ever be construed as attractive in any way. So the 65 year old grandmother of 4 secretary in his office doesn’t count. But the 35 year old (still a little too old for him) who is kinda, sorta, maybe a little pretty in the right light if you’re in to that sort of thing is covered by these rules.

1. No working one-on-one. If one of us has a project that we have to finish we will not stay late at the office with just the other person there, even if it is a joint project. We make up an excuse to go home and finish it via Skype. This applies to both of us.
2. No traveling one-on-one. This has come up a couple of times. Once I made an excuse why I couldn’t go (it was a stupid conference anyway), another time I talked my boss in to assigning a third person to come with us, and once my fiance bought a second plane ticket so when he wasn’t in his meetings we could go out to dinner, see the sights, etc of the city he was sent to.
3. No car rides alone. If it is absolutely necessary then there is a phone call during the car ride just to make our presence known to the other person. Like one time he had to give the kinda-sorta pretty woman a ride home and when they got in the car he called me to ask about my day, ask what he should pick up for dinner, and say ‘I love you’. That just makes it clear that he is in a relationship and that it matters.

Neither one of us is the jealous type, we’ve never had issues with control or anyone being possessive. But we are careful. No one sets out to have an affair, and a lot of times affairs happen even in the absence of initial attraction. I will never be 70 years old and regret that I didn’t spend more time with the guys in law school or that I wasn’t alone enough with my coworkers. But if I’m not careful and if I don’t protect what I have I may be 70 years old and alone and regret that I let my guard down.

If you feel like you spend too much time with this woman or that you know too much about her then it is time to either find a new assistant or work on boundaries. Even if there is nothing romantic or sexual going on if she is getting more time and attention than your wife something has to change. Its a red flag that you feel bad about the situation and that you think there would be a problem if the tables were turned.

 

[lavidagrande]

well, i want to say that sometimes it possible to make a small problem, BIG problem by think about it too much.

i work for one year, all day long, in office alone with woman. she don give me problem, i don give her problem. she was attractive, but i know of proper behavior and i don cross this. she was catholic lady, and she don try to make no trouble. also, she is no married, but this is no problem for me, I WATCH MY back, and she also smart lady, she don want trouble. God watch over us, and bless us with safety and we have no problem.

if you make a fantasy about this lady you work with, you gone to have problem. if you stay busy with work God gives you, foccus on your job, be good boss, you don have no problem.

fantasy life feel like heaven end up like hell, don forget this. if you make this lady at you work a big fantasy is your mind, you will be in BIG TROUBLE. You will HAVE BIG PROBLEM. just be good boss, keep mind you on work. pray, asks God para help you gone b OK. God blees, mi firend.

 

[Used2beSherryG]

What I understand is your loving concern for your wife’s feelings. And it is true that your work day naturally is intertwined with your EA. However, if your wife has no problem, try not to worry. It sounds like you are overthinking this one. i work in a two person office and I am the assistant to my male boss. We are friendly, and get a lot of work done. Sometimes we chat and share a few of our weekend experiences on a limited basis. He knows my husband and I know the boss’s wife. There is no problem. I worried in the beginning about my husband’s feelings, too, but we’ve defintely gotten past that concern. You will too. Communicate with your wife openly and she will appreciate it.

 

[Sillara]

I spend most of my day with males. I’m in a male-dominated academic program and previously I worked in a male-dominated industry. My fiance works with a couple of women, and at his previous job he worked with a young, attractive woman, and at a job that I held a couple of years ago my boss made a fair bit of money on the side as a male model. None of this has ever been an issue because we have rules. These rules apply to members of the opposite sex that could ever be construed as attractive in any way. So the 65 year old grandmother of 4 secretary in his office doesn’t count. But the 35 year old (still a little too old for him) who is kinda, sorta, maybe a little pretty in the right light if you’re in to that sort of thing is covered by these rules.

1. No working one-on-one. If one of us has a project that we have to finish we will not stay late at the office with just the other person there, even if it is a joint project. We make up an excuse to go home and finish it via Skype. This applies to both of us.
2. No traveling one-on-one. This has come up a couple of times. Once I made an excuse why I couldn’t go (it was a stupid conference anyway), another time I talked my boss in to assigning a third person to come with us, and once my fiance bought a second plane ticket so when he wasn’t in his meetings we could go out to dinner, see the sights, etc of the city he was sent to.
3. No car rides alone. If it is absolutely necessary then there is a phone call during the car ride just to make our presence known to the other person. Like one time he had to give the kinda-sorta pretty woman a ride home and when they got in the car he called me to ask about my day, ask what he should pick up for dinner, and say ‘I love you’. That just makes it clear that he is in a relationship and that it matters.

Neither one of us is the jealous type, we’ve never had issues with control or anyone being possessive. But we are careful. No one sets out to have an affair, and a lot of times affairs happen even in the absence of initial attraction. I will never be 70 years old and regret that I didn’t spend more time with the guys in law school or that I wasn’t alone enough with my coworkers. But if I’m not careful and if I don’t protect what I have I may be 70 years old and alone and regret that I let my guard down.

If you feel like you spend too much time with this woman or that you know too much about her then it is time to either find a new assistant or work on boundaries. Even if there is nothing romantic or sexual going on if she is getting more time and attention than your wife something has to change. Its a red flag that you feel bad about the situation and that you think there would be a problem if the tables were turned.

Again, BlueEyedLady, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way when I say that you would do very well as a Catholic! These are quite in line with what the book of Sirach says about the behavior of the married, and you are very wise indeed to set–and keep!–these sorts of boundaries around your relationship. As a 15-years-married woman, I can say that those are the sorts of rules that will stand you in very good stead in the future!

 

[Cariethra]

I’ve been on the wife side of the coin in a situation like this. I’ll be honest, there were times I was jealous. But as time went on and I got to know the woman he worked with, the less afraid I became. It was obvious it was a working relationship. If anything was done outside of work, it was all of us.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Again, BlueEyedLady, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way when I say that you would do very well as a Catholic! These are quite in line with what the book of Sirach says about the behavior of the married, and you are very wise indeed to set–and keep!–these sorts of boundaries around your relationship. As a 15-years-married woman, I can say that those are the sorts of rules that will stand you in very good stead in the future!

To me its just common sense. I’m not going to do anything that could in any way ever make him even think of wondering if there might be something going on between me and someone else. Jealousy and insecurity are two of the worst feelings and out of respect for him I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that there are never any doubts. He does the same.

Yes, couples should always trust each other. But out of respect for one another couples should do whatever it takes to make sure that no one ever has to rely on trust. There need to be boundaries and complete transparency.

People think I’m weird but that’s fine. I will be more than happy to compare the quality of my marriage to theirs 20 years from now.

 

[Lucky7]

Because we work closely on many things, most of what goes on during my workday involves her. So when I get home at night and my wife and I talk about our days (mostly she asks me about my day–as a college professor her days are mostly the same) a lot of what I have to talk about involves my interactions with the EA, and **stories she’s told me about her life, her kids, etc. **

I think those conversations are too personal. Keep it business.

 

[underacloud]

I feel kind of self-conscious about it because, frankly, if the tables were turned I’d be jealous if it were my wife working so closely with a male coworker. (now that I think of it, she does get quite a few texts and calls from a guy who is a new instructor in her dept and he sees her as something of a mentor, and that doesn’t bother me.)

But I find myself wanting to censor what I say to leave the EA’s name out of conversation. It’s just weird.

Do you think your wife is concerned? Are you picking up on something from her?

I run a small business and work very closely with a female colleague; it is often just the two of us in the office. This does not, to my knowledge, bother my wife. But I’m not the sort of man who talks much about his day. My wife will ask, and I’ll usually reply that I’d rather not talk about work. When I’m home from work, I want to relax and not relive my day.

But if you’re the sort of man who enjoys talking about your day, I think your wife might find it odd if you suddenly stopped talking about it and stopped mentioning your EA. If you feel you need to tone it down, then do so by all means, but if you stopped altogether talking about her then that in itself may raise unnecessary suspicions.

As for personal conversations at work, including stories about family, kids, etc, I think these are a natural part of workplace interactions. They don’t need to be avoided. In fact, I can only imagine how sad a workplace it would be if people didn’t interact on such a basic human level.

 

[Kelfa28]

I worked as a paramedic for years and would spend two entire 24 hour shifts with one partner every week. I’d say 99% of the time it was a male.

What was worse…I was, literally, the only “straight” female who worked the 911 shifts. I always had a lot of attention coming my way because I was young and not married.

This was before my husband and I were married. It was tough talking about my work day because if it was a slow day…I was essentially spending 20 hours with one guy…including sleeping in the same bunk room. You can only talk about the weather, how the kids are doing, that crazy call we heard about the other day, how management is messing everything up, how much we hate dispatch…so many times.

I’d have a terrible time working that job today, while being the devote Christian I am today. Not that a faithful Christian couldn’t but I’m a talker and it can get me into trouble sometimes.

I’m always up for direct honesty. Why don’t you just ask her if this female assistant that you talk about so much…bothers her in any way. If my husband was in this situation…I’d be happy he brought it up himself…sort of like an ice breaker to get the issue out in the open. They you two can have a frank discussion about how it affects either party.

 

[Ellyakamommy]

Op, the only thing that jumped out at me about your entire post was that you had so little to say about your wife’s work day. That spoke much louder than your description of your working relationship with your EA and what it does or doesn’t mean. Please, pay more attention to your wife and her day, and by focusing more on her, you’ll find your problem resolves itself.

 

[on_the_hill]

Op, the only thing that jumped out at me about your entire post was that you had so little to say about your wife’s work day. That spoke much louder than your description of your working relationship with your EA and what it does or doesn’t mean. Please, pay more attention to your wife and her day, and by focusing more on her, you’ll find your problem resolves itself.

My wife’s just not a talker when it comes to work. I’ll ask, and she usually doesn’t have much to say about it. Sometimes she will tell a story about one of her students. And she expressly *wants *me to tell her my work stories. And generally speaking, my wife almost always agrees with the EA’s ideas about the office.

The EA had what we called a “work husband” who left for another job. The three of us were friends, and I made it clear that I would not be the replacement work husband. Frankly, I think their relationship was over the line (no infidelities, but certainly too close for comfort).

We never work overtime, or travel anywhere together, don’t lunch together, etc.

Thanks for the replies.

 

[EasterJoy]

My wife’s just not a talker when it comes to work. I’ll ask, and she usually doesn’t have much to say about it. Sometimes she will tell a story about one of her students. And she expressly *wants *me to tell her my work stories. And generally speaking, my wife almost always agrees with the EA’s ideas about the office.

The EA had what we called a “work husband” who left for another job. The three of us were friends, and I made it clear that I would not be the replacement work husband. Frankly, I think their relationship was over the line (no infidelities, but certainly too close for comfort).

We never work overtime, or travel anywhere together, don’t lunch together, etc.

Thanks for the replies.

I’m thinking that your negative opinion about the “work husband/wife” thing makes your wife more at ease with the situation. I would be. I also wouldn’t blame my husband for wanting administrative help that is so competent and thorough, even though the person does act like too much of a mother hen about it. Again: if you’re in the workplace, you realize that when you find someone who is good help in that department, you are willing to put up with some idiosyncracies. That breed is not easy to find.