This girl I'm still talking to...(vent)

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Epistemes

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I started a couple of weeks ago about this girl I was chatting with on Catholic Match. We’ve been talking on the phone every night for a week and we tend to have 2-3 hour conversations each night.

I fear that we’re becoming attached to each other, but it seems we both really like one another. She has more sense than I do, so she might say we’re not becoming attached…but I tend to think different based on things which have been said.

I have this self-sabotage function within me which wants to end it all because I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m a little scared of how things seem to be developing, is all. I don’t want her to become attached to me because I’m afraid I might hurt her somehow because of who I am.

I know many of you will fuss at me and say I’m going way too fast, that I thinking way too much, and that I need to have fun, which is what I am trying to do still with much effort, and this post is the result of more thoughts than any real concrete action, but I just feel the need to let go of some steam. This is all so fresh to me again.
 
How far away does she live? Maybe it’s time to go out on a friendly date?

Did you end up contacting the woman from Church?
 
Have you ever dated anyone before? It sounds like it may be time to either meet this woman or just let things go for a while.

The online dating thing can be awkward but after you meet it’s just like a normal relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a long time and we met online. It’s not all bad. I’ve never used Catholic Match though.
 
When you find someone online attachment is only normal. This is because you come into a relationship with pre-conceived notions of who this person is. On Catholic Match, she has a profile and pictures. When you put the words she writes into the pictures and you already have some sort of attraction to her otherwise you would click the return button and go back to searching. When you finally get as far as to talking to her on the phone, you fall fast when she starts to show interest in you and you in her because she has bonded with you in words as well in some way. The phone conversations just cement what you already had pictured with this person who may have the perfect set of traits you imagined. If she is far away, the distance will get to you because you will want to be with this person and it will be difficult to have to remain apart. Men are affected worse than women by online relationships because we are straightforward and visual. Usually in person it takes years to find out the same things you find in seconds online. Woman can get burnt online when they find a man of their dreams type guy and he turns them down. Otherwise, women tend to be able to play their games online and play around with a man. If you are starting to feel attached or she is then it means that one of you will take it at least somewhat hard if it fails. Feeling attached so fast is an unhealthy predecessor to getting into an unhealthy relationship without doing the proper amount of time and discerning whether or not she is the right woman for you. It makes you blind emotionally and turns you into a creature that makes decisions based on what is best for her instead of for yourself in the future.
 
mjs, women aren’t the only ones who play games online.

I’ve seen total frauds online with lies and everything. I feel sorry for the women who fall for them. (Meaning… I’ve seen profiles of people I know in person… whose profiles don’t begin to match the reality in the important things.)

It’s kind of scared me to think of the people out there I don’t know, and what makes me think their profiles are honest?
 
Liberanosamalo said:
mjs, women aren’t the only ones who play games online.

I’ve seen total frauds online with lies and everything. I feel sorry for the women who fall for them. (Meaning… I’ve seen profiles of people I know in person… whose profiles don’t begin to match the reality in the important things.)

It’s kind of scared me to think of the people out there I don’t know, and what makes me think their profiles are honest?
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I realize but in my experience they tend to do it more often. It meant as more of a warning for the OP to be careful than a broad painted brush attack against women though I admit it came out that way. My point is that his experience online could already be tuning sour. Hes feeling attached but he cant vouch for the fact that the girl feels the same way. A girl can pick up a guys attachment pretty well most of the time. It is a powerful tool that a person has when they know the other person is attached to them. At such an early stage the girl might feel that he is a sure thing and look for other guys while keeping a level of contact with him as a backup in case the others fail. He needs to look out for himself first and not take any big chances. He cannot afford to do so because of the way relationships take up a lot of your time and can mess with you spiritually and emotionally if they progress to an unhealthy stage. With an online relationship, you have to be very conservative with your decision making and fight to live another day instead of taking chances. They can tell you all sorts of things but until you meet them in person they can back out. Even after they can still back out. Online relationships are workable but extremely tricky.
 
Without undermining what other people have said, bonding is a normal thing in a relationship and the absence of it is not normal. I’m avoiding the word “attachment” for theological reasons, i.e. to avoid certain associations (you can figure).
 
chevalier said:
Without undermining what other people have said, bonding is a normal thing in a relationship and the absence of it is not normal. I’m avoiding the word “attachment” for theological reasons, i.e. to avoid certain associations (you can figure).
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Bonding it may very well be, but it just concerns me, is all. Having not dated in 5+ years and having a shady, horrible record prior to that, I can’t help but look at myself and fear for her. It’s not just her, either. It would be any woman at this point, I think, which is why I’ve desisted from dating. I like this girl for what I know of her, and I still care for her.

I know I’m making it more complicated than it really is, but I’m a feeler in a thinker’s body and am only acting in true course to who I am.
 
Okay, now you’re scaring ME.

What shady horrible past? Do you use vulnerable women and dump them? MJS thinks women are more likely to deceive online and Epistemes is the victim of someone who attaches too early. I differ. Let’s look at it from another point of view.

Not accusing Epistemes, but he is the one who has dropped several hints that he is sinister or something.

There is the kind of guy that prowls online and in libraries and bookstores and shops and anywhere where young, innocent women at the bottom of the executive ladder work. And they can smell desperation and neediness and clinginess and eagerness like a wolf smells blood. And they go in for the kill, realizing they have easy prey. And they destroy these girls.

Is that what you’re talking about, E? You one of those? Is your fear that you’ve found the perfect target and your reluctance and obsession with her is because you DON’T want to hurt another girl by playing that game?

Probably not. But mjs, just indicating to you there is another way these sites can be horrible. They put a neon sign over vulnerable people who give away too much too soon and open themselves up to predators who know the game too well.

So, E, please tell us this isn’t what you’re talking about. Because you are making yourself sound like YOU have the problem. When you’ve been projecting it on her all along.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
There is the kind of guy that prowls online and in libraries and bookstores and shops and anywhere where young, innocent women at the bottom of the executive ladder work. And they can smell desperation and neediness and clinginess and eagerness like a wolf smells blood. And they go in for the kill, realizing they have easy prey. And they destroy these girls.

Is that what you’re talking about, E? You one of those? Is your fear that you’ve found the perfect target and your reluctance and obsession with her is because you DON’T want to hurt another girl by playing that game?

Probably not. But mjs, just indicating to you there is another way these sites can be horrible. They put a neon sign over vulnerable people who give away too much too soon and open themselves up to predators who know the game too well.

So, E, please tell us this isn’t what you’re talking about. Because you are making yourself sound like YOU have the problem. When you’ve been projecting it on her all along.
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No, this isn’t what I’m talking about. I’ve never dumped a girl in my life. They’ve all dumped me, for various reasons relating to the relationship at hand. It’s just other personal things about me, like the fact that I am going to counselling for low self-esteem, that cause me to doubt.

I would never do that to any woman, much less this one. I want her to be happy, and I’ve told her so, however that is best achieved.
 
And maybe this will be the woman who wouldn’t hurt someone else either. So meet up with her and see if you have face to face chemistry! If you decide no, it’s not dumping her, because you haven’t really started anything.

Your value as a person doesn’t come from who you say you are. It comes from the fact that you are a child of God. And He loves you.
 
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