This is petty but I need to vent

[Anglewannabe]

I know this is petty, but I need to vent/ask how others handle these situations. As previously mentioned in practically everyone of my post I have struggled a lot with unemployment for sometimes over a year at a time. Thanks be to God I have been employed for over a year in a contract position. It is not good pay and I am over educated for what I do. Nonetheless, I thank God for my blessings.

I went to the doctor’s today and he asked about my employment situation. I told him I had a contract. He then started making suggestions. The reason this bugs me is

1-) He has a medical practice so he has not been on an interview in over 30 years and has no idea how hard it is

2-) He suggests things that I have tried with no success and I feel slapped in the face when he acts like he has a great idea when he has never had to try it himself.

I said ‘I don’t want to talk about this because it is just going to get me upset’. To which he replied ‘I was just trying to making sure all options are covered’:banghead:

I am SO fed up of people who have never walked in my shoes acting like they know it all. But the icing on the cake is after I clearly state I don’t want to talk about it, instead of a ‘Thanks for your honesty, let’s change the topic’, the other person always has to get in the last word and defend what they did. Someone suggested they feel bad that I am rejecting their help. Honestly, I am the one with the job struggle, I think my feelings come way before the person who simply wanted to help.

ARRGGHHHH

Angie

 

[Mary2014]

How nice of your doctor to take a personal interest. I don’t know why that would upset you. Maybe he was thinking of giving you a discount on your bill.

 

[Petaro]

How many times have we ourselves given useless advice if only to show interest and concern. The number of women friends who have advised magnesium tablets to my wife for restless legs, when she has tried this without success many a year ago. But surely it is just a sign of concern and should not be thrown back in one’s friend’s face.
Trying to find full time valuable work is getting harder and harder across the globe. My son was asked to act in a small impromptu play with other applicants for a Christmas job as an assistant at a major retail store!!! Human Resources justifies their existence finding more outrageous and ill-defining tests for the most menial of positions. Anything higher than a casual position requires at least three interviews and numerous other hurdles and you never hear from them if you are not successful, as if even an email was a waste of time on the rejected.
So I can understand your frustration, but don’t burn your friends as most out there could not give you a second thought.

 

[underacloud]

Angie, once again you are venting about people showing concern or trying to help. I just don’t get it.

The vast majority of people welcome concern from others. It makes us feel connected and not isolated/alone. Perhaps you prefer social isolation; some people do. But you need to appreciate that most people don’t, and they do nothing wrong in showing their concern to you.

I also don’t understand this sort of attitude that places yourself ahead of others…

…I think my feelings come way before the person who simply wanted to help.

I don’t think it’s the sort of attitude we are called to as Christians, where we try our best to place others feelings on par or ahead of our own.

 

[Cricket2]

I understand your frustration. I have been unemployed for 8 years now. I left my last job to care for my grandmother and have taken care of family members who are terminally ill since that time. Right now I take care of my sister.

Thing is many folks think I accept work that is less than my education suggests I can do. Well, you can only accept jobs that are offered to you, only spend so much time looking for work and sometimes, as in my situation, you really don’t need much more stress than you have on hand. (I just accepted a very menial part-time situation.)

Don’t waste time on worrying about what people think. Continue to be grateful for what you have, keep looking if you want and forge on. You alone know your limits and abilities. Hang in there and good luck.

 

[Anglewannabe]

How nice of your doctor to take a personal interest. I don’t know why that would upset you. Maybe he was thinking of giving you a discount on your bill.

In Canada Doctor’s visits are free. Yes, it was nice, but once I said I did not want to talk about it, it went from being nice to violating a boundary

 

[Nacho45]

People sometimes tell us what they hope will help while not realizing it doesn’t. I would just let it go and be happy the doctor actually cares about the patient when so many don’t. I am sure I have given useless advice to people in the past as they have given the same to me. We don’t KNOW what the other needs, but we try to help anyway. It is much better than the alternative.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Angie, once again you are venting about people showing concern or trying to help. I just don’t get it…

I mean this in a very sincere way, please let me try to help you understand. I have gone on so many interviews and applied for so many jobs that I did not get, it hurts to constantly face rejection. Especially when I have bills to pay and have to keep putting myself out there. It hurts and it is frustrating. The type of ‘concern’ this doctor was showing was giving advice he himself never had to follow. IOW he doesn’t know if it will work. It is easy for him to sit back and tell me what to do, he is not the one doing it and being rejected. He NEVER suggested anything I hadn’t already tried. And I am fed up with everyone suggesting things I know for a fact don’t work. Experience is a great teacher and I know what does not work and how much pain it will bring. I think it shows high self-esteem to be able to learn from experience and quit wasting my time on useless suggestions. Someone who wants to show genuine concern would say ‘What can I do to help’. They would never just tell me what to do. And when I respond ‘If you want to help, pray for me’. The person full of genuine concern would say 'OK. Often, people just dish out advice to make themselves feel good.

The vast majority of people welcome concern from others. It makes us feel connected and not isolated/alone. …

I appreciate genuine concern. Not unwanted advice.

I also don’t understand this sort of attitude that places yourself ahead of others…

I don’t think it’s the sort of attitude we are called to as Christians, where we try our best to place others feelings on par or ahead of our own.

I don’t as a rule place myself ahead of others. But when it is MY employment situation, yes, I firmly believe I dictate whether or not we will talk about it. And if the other person is hurt that I don’t want to talk about it, that is their problems. If someone told me they were going through a divorce or loss a child (things a single woman without kids can’t comprehend) and I tried to cheer them up and they asked me not to talk about it, I would NEVER think that my wish to help them should be considered. I would understand they are bearing the cross and they choose the boundary

 

[Anglewannabe]

I understand your frustration. .

Thank you:hug3: So few people do

 

[Anglewannabe]

We don’t KNOW what the other needs, but we try to help anyway. It is much better than the alternative.

When someone says point blank ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ continuing to try to help is the worse thing one could do

 

[underacloud]

I appreciate genuine concern. Not unwanted advice.

How do you tell the difference? And why would anyone offer advice other than to try to help?

Sure, maybe some people offer advice to make themselves feel better or superior. But I’m not clever enough to tell the difference most of the time. It’s best to assume they mean well and take their show of concern as a compliment.

I’d also suggest, when it comes to job seeking or anything else in life, that people are likely to offer you lots more bad advice than good advice. But…the good advice is worth sifting through the bad, so as they say “take the good with the bad”.

I don’t as a rule place myself ahead of others. But when it is MY employment situation, yes, I firmly believe I dictate whether or not we will talk about it. And if the other person is hurt that I don’t want to talk about it, that is their problems. If someone told me they were going through a divorce or loss a child (things a single woman without kids can’t comprehend) and I tried to cheer them up and they asked me not to talk about it, I would NEVER think that my wish to help them should be considered. I would understand they are bearing the cross and they choose the boundary

My impression from your first post was that he stopped when you asked him to stop. Perhaps I misunderstood. Yes, if he continued to offer unsolicited advice after you asked him to stop, he has overstepped a clear boundary. There are, unfortunately, some people who can’t prevent themselves from giving advice, whether or not it is wanted, so on that basis I respect your frustration.

 

[ClearWater]

Well, a lot of people want to help, but some go overboard on force their “help” on others, not stopping to ask if that person even wants it. If the person rejects the “help”, they get all upset.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I’ve had that plenty of times myself, and they can try to make the one not wanting the help as being unreasonable. When it’s your right, or should be.

Some consider unsolicited advice as a sign of hostility, and if they kept on long after you said you were fine, wanted to work this out on your own, I’d say they were overstepping your boundaries.

Some don’t want to take “no” as an answer.

I think I often tried to “help” people as well. Then, I’ve seen some didn’t always want it, which surprised me. Now, I try to see if they want it. If not, I pack up.

Some actually get offended if the “help”, advice, gets rejected, taking it quite personally, will get angry over the matter.

Yeah, and you were outnumbered. It was with a doctor, so probably also outpowered.

Sometimes, we are there in nothing but a hospital gown, and this doctor comes in. We are at a clear disadvantage of power. Then, if you get nurses chiming in to support the doctor, it’s hard.

It almost can make the patient look like he’s crazy or something, when he’s actually not.
They can get that kind of game going, at times.

 

[EasterJoy]

When someone says point blank ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ continuing to try to help is the worse thing one could do

Yes. It deserves a wordless look straight into both eyes that says “What part of ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ was unclear to you?” When they change the subject, you reply as if they’d gotten it right the first time.

 

[ClearWater]

Must be you are in a position where you can’t switch doctors.

 

[oldcatholicguy]

I know this is petty, but I need to vent/ask how others handle these situations. As previously mentioned in practically everyone of my post I have struggled a lot with unemployment for sometimes over a year at a time. Thanks be to God I have been employed for over a year in a contract position. It is not good pay and I am over educated for what I do. Nonetheless, I thank God for my blessings.

I went to the doctor’s today and he asked about my employment situation. I told him I had a contract. He then started making suggestions. The reason this bugs me is

1-) He has a medical practice so he has not been on an interview in over 30 years and has no idea how hard it is

2-) He suggests things that I have tried with no success and I feel slapped in the face when he acts like he has a great idea when he has never had to try it himself.

I said ‘I don’t want to talk about this because it is just going to get me upset’. To which he replied ‘I was just trying to making sure all options are covered’:banghead:

I am SO fed up of people who have never walked in my shoes acting like they know it all. But the icing on the cake is after I clearly state I don’t want to talk about it, instead of a ‘Thanks for your honesty, let’s change the topic’, the other person always has to get in the last word and defend what they did. Someone suggested they feel bad that I am rejecting their help. Honestly, I am the one with the job struggle, I think my feelings come way before the person who simply wanted to help.

ARRGGHHHH

Angie

I get your frustration and it is understandable. Getting unwanted advice, especially for an issue you’ve been doing your best to resolve without much success, is very frustrating. The best thing to do is to just smile, thank them, understand they mean well (for the most part they do mean well, they want to help you with your issue, they really can’t do anything about it, so you get the unwanted advice), and then find someway to vent (like this thread).

 

[oldcatholicguy]

Well, a lot of people want to help, but some go overboard on force their “help” on others, not stopping to ask if that person even wants it. If the person rejects the “help”, they get all upset.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I’ve had that plenty of times myself, and they can try to make the one not wanting the help as being unreasonable. When it’s your right, or should be.

Some consider unsolicited advice as a sign of hostility, and if they kept on long after you said you were fine, wanted to work this out on your own, I’d say they were overstepping your boundaries.

Some don’t want to take “no” as an answer.

I think I often tried to “help” people as well. Then, I’ve seen some didn’t always want it, which surprised me. Now, I try to see if they want it. If not, I pack up.

Some actually get offended if the “help”, advice, gets rejected, taking it quite personally, will get angry over the matter.

Yeah, and you were outnumbered. It was with a doctor, so probably also outpowered.

Sometimes, we are there in nothing but a hospital gown, and this doctor comes in. We are at a clear disadvantage of power. Then, if you get nurses chiming in to support the doctor, it’s hard.

It almost can make the patient look like he’s crazy or something, when he’s actually not.
They can get that kind of game going, at times.

Off topic- Being in a hospital gown or naked is only a disadvantage if one lets it. Unexpected nudity has a way of disarming people emotionally and intellectually. That and it makes the security guards/police not too keen on having to wrestle you to the ground for some reason.

 

[Nacho45]

When someone says point blank ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ continuing to try to help is the worse thing one could do

Even doctors aren’t perfect. We are, after all, human with all that it entails.

 

[Cat]

Perhaps it’s not the case in Canada, but in the United States, doctors DO have to interview for positions in hospitals and health care systems.

Many clinics are not independent, but are part of huge health care systems, and the doctors are hired by the system. Very few doctors just “hang out a shingle” anymore. They can’t make it in their own clinic because of the fierce competition from the health care systems.

Hospitals can lose a lot of money in lawsuits if they select doctors for their system who are not personable.

In our system, doctors get disciplined if they create a hostile environment for system employees and staff, and especially for patients. Doctors can’t get away with being rude anymore–they get called down for it, and they can get FIRED.

Heck, if a doctor bad-mouths their health care system or talks badly about patients or staff while he/she is at a party or a golf game, he/she can be disciplined or even terminated by the health care system that employs him/her!

Also, while they’re in school, doctors have interviews for scholarships, fellowships, residencies, etc. Doing well in these interviews is important to doctors because the outcome will determine the course of their career and where their family will live.

anglewannabe, nowadays doctors are supposed to go beyond just providing the basic health care and instead, take a personal interest in their patients and their problems. Unemployment is a major stressor and therefore responsible for many health problems in many people, so this doctor was doing the Right Thing by asking you about it and attempting to help you.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

In Canada Doctor’s visits are free. Yes, it was nice, but once I said I did not want to talk about it, it went from being nice to violating a boundary

Your feelings are clouding your judgement here. Do you think he was making fun? No, he was trying to help a person. Actually that is his job. To help people.
Ever think of this.

1. He has a medical practice for I think you said 30 years. How many people do you think he has interviewed? Tons. His job is to interview and get information medically. My wife interviews people on a monthly basis. Because of this she is a master interviewee for other positions. She knows what to say and what not to say. Her experience is very valuable.
2. He interviewed probably harder than you think to get into med schools. 30 years or not, that counts for something.
3. You brought it up. You volunteered information and then were annoyed by it. It would be like posting this and then being upset that people did not all answer the way you wanted. (which tons of people do on these boards.)

If you are dissatisfied with your current situation and then broadcast that fact, and then get mad when people try to help, well, that is your problem. Taking criticism and information and finding out how to apply it to your life is one of the hallmarks of a successful person. Getting mad and offended is the hallmark of someone who is not looking to really fix a problem.

You should be more charitable with a man who had general concern for your being.

In my doctors office he can have his hands all over you and asking all sorts of questions that are embarrassing. I would think a little interview tip would be one of the more pleasant things going on in that room. Honestly, you are lucky to have a doctor that takes a personal interest in a patient, even if it is casual and a little annoying. It is better than never looking you in the face and shouting NEXT! When you are done.

 

[ClearWater]

Off topic- Being in a hospital gown or naked is only a disadvantage if one lets it. Unexpected nudity has a way of disarming people emotionally and intellectually. That and it makes the security guards/police not too keen on having to wrestle you to the ground for some reason.

Well, I noticed one book, “The Gentle Art of Verbal Defense” spoke about the doctor-patient relationship, and it thought being in a hospital gown while Mr. Doctor came in put one at a disadvantage. It’s just harder, but probably not impossible, as coming across as being on equal footing, especially when the doctor, and others, don’t want you to. I agree with this book on that assessment, but it’s just only my opinion.