This is petty but I need to vent

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you for your kind reply. I too am shocked at how many people have no sympathy

Mommamarie did not say we lack sympathy. Who lacks sympathy. I am very sympathetic to your problem. I just don’t think you are handling it correctly. If you think me unsympathetic because I disagree with you then that is on you.

 

[NFPWife]

I would never do this because then they will continue to talk about it every time they see me. I am trying to set a boundary to NOT talk about it

That’s your boundary to set, obviously; I’m challenging you to think about how tight/ firm that boundary is. I get that ppl who seem nosy, bossy, un-supportive, or just plain not helpful are a pain in the rear.

I think the problem with a rigid boundary is that it keeps everyone out. Even ppl who could potentially be helpful. I’m a huge “connector.” Honestly, I’ve lost count of the number of ppl I’ve linked up for jobs. I was in a meeting on the West Coast once and someone mentioned that she wanted to move to the East Coast to be closer to her mom. I said, “Oh, I know someone who has a position open; you’d be perfect.” I called on the break, she had her resume in that night, and was hired (and moving!) within three weeks. The job was a management position and she’s established herself well in the field and advanced since then. None of that would have happened if she hadn’t opened herself to me (and the others in the room) and talked about how she wished she lived closer to her aging mother.

My perspective is that everyday’s an audition – every situation too.

 

[maryjk]

The only things worth doing in this life are worth doing by following God’s ways. And networking can NOT be a 24/7 thing. Too many people don’t have contacts and trying to network with them just gives one a headache. When I had a good job with a good company, I was in NO position to hire anyone. And if I tried to get a friend a job, I could loose mine so I never did it. It annoyed me to no end when people tried to use me as a valuable networking source.

That may have been that case at your job. But not all jobs are like that.

Where my husband works? If he knew someone that could fill a position, they would get an interview. Simple as that. Same for me.

But honestly, I am quite surprised how you are not supportive of me not wanting people’s unwanted advice. If anything I would have though you would have understood since I can’t remember any thread you started asking for advice. The only threads I see you start are links to other articles:shrug:

That is probably because when I want advice, I speak to people whose opinion I value.

 

[Cat]

Perhaps this will help angelwannabe and others who are wary of “networking.”

My daughter works in the entertainment industry. She networks 24/7. Really. I’m not exaggerating. Her phone and computer are always up, and she greets and chats with almost everyone she meets, and she remembers their name, face, and a lot of information about them (she writes it down).

Last week, she was part of a panel discussion at a Christian university. The topic was “finding work in the entertainment industry”.

One of her comments was that networking is just another word for "friendships."

To her, the contacts she makes aren’t “rungs on a ladder” that she climbs over to achieve success.

To her, the industry is the “ladder,” and everyone she meets, including people OUTSIDE the industry, are fellow climbers with her on that ladder.

She helps them to climb the ladder, and they in turn help her to climb the ladder. The goal is for everyone to keep climbing.

She is always reaching out a hand to help someone climb, and others are reaching out a hand to help her climb.

This is what friendship is all about. Friendship is very Christian. We Christians SHOULD, to the best of our ability, be reaching out to others and friendly in all our dealings with others.

The doctor was NOT crossing a boundary. He was reaching out his hand to help you climb the ladder. If you prefer to climb without help, that’s fine, and it’s OK to tell him that “you’re doing fine, thanks for the offer of help.”

But IMO, and I know that others agree with me, it’s just wrong and plain unfriendly to condemn this doctor and others who are only trying to help you climb. Boundaries? Where did this come from anyway? There was a time not so long ago in the United States when everyone helped each other along life’s way, and no one considered it “crossing it a boundary” when a neighbor or acquaintance, and especially a DOCTOR, gave advice that they hoped would help.

Instead of zeroing in on the advice that you consider unhelpful, think very hard about the advice-giver’s heart MOTIVE. He or she is only trying to help you.

Of course, I’m sure there are people who are trying to carve notches into their “Belt of Advice Giving,” or who are nosy busy-bodies who just want to learn all about your pain so that they can gossip it to others.

But really, MOST people are decent, friendly people who want very much to help you, not to gain any kudos for themselves, but because they take Jesus seriously in His command to “Love one another.” It’s wrong to condemn these people and rant about them.

 

[mommamaree]

Cat,
Although we come at this problem from different perspectives (based on personal experiences) I think your advice is very interesting and helpful for anyone, including myself. I have been burned by far too many people who have pretended to want to be a friend to me, but really they wanted someone to manipulate. Anything I said to them was later twisted and used against me to keep me in my place. HOWEVER, once I wised up and started recognizing these people for who they are and erecting boundaries to keep out that kind of person, I also started noticing that there is a world of people like me who value others for genuine friendships. So, I think boundaries are really important with people who make us uncomfortable or who might be dangerous (hence my own advice to Angie) but your perspective about friendships and networking and helping each other is really wonderful.

 

[Cat]

Cat,
Although we come at this problem from different perspectives (based on personal experiences) I think your advice is very interesting and helpful for anyone, including myself. I have been burned by far too many people who have pretended to want to be a friend to me, but really they wanted someone to manipulate. Anything I said to them was later twisted and used against me to keep me in my place. HOWEVER, once I wised up and started recognizing these people for who they are and erecting boundaries to keep out that kind of person, I also started noticing that there is a world of people like me who value others for genuine friendships. So, I think boundaries are really important with people who make us uncomfortable or who might be dangerous (hence my own advice to Angie) but your perspective about friendships and networking and helping each other is really wonderful.

From what I have read of your posts, you seem to have a wonderful balanced perspective.

I think we all need to be careful not to set our “comfort level” so narrowly that we exclude decent people who care and who are trying, in their own way, to help us get through life.

Obviously, when someone has been hurt, the “comfort level” will be narrow, and it will be difficult for them to open up with or trust many people.

But if the person who has been hurt expects to move on in life, at some point, they have to gradually start increasing the size of that comfort level and “letting more people in”. They can’t stay closed.

And even if they are closed to interaction with most people, they should try very hard to ascribe to others the best of motives, and not think bad thoughts about people that they really don’t know.

I think that’s what irks me about this thread. The OP assumes so much about this doctor. Now perhaps she knows him personally and he really did grow up with a silver spoon in his mouth, all the money in the world, and friends in high places who eased his path through life. Maybe he’s truly never hit a roadblock, never had to struggle, always enjoyed perfect health, and led a charmed life.

But I doubt that. Almost everyone has lived through some hard times. Many doctors struggled to get through med school, living on Ramen noodles and coffee, and wearing the same two shirts over and over again. Many had dreams of certain career paths and were turned down in interviews and had to settle for a different path. Many had personal struggles and relationships that went bad. And many have fallen victim to poor health, addictions, etc.

Beside, even if the OP’s doctor is rich, privileged, healthy and handsome–does that mean that he isn’t allowed to be concerned for others and care about their lives? Many rich, privileged people are actually really nice! It’s just possible that anglewannabe blew a great opportunity–sometimes rich, influential people can make things happen. They can put in a good word for someone at a company, get grants and donations, etc.

When my daughter was in college, she spent Sundays at a house party given by one of the families at her skating rink. One of the people who always attended the house party was a relative–a bachelor, somewhat lonely and very shy. He was also a billionaire, the owner of a hugely-successful restaurant chain in the U.S.

One evening at the house party, the conversation turned to college expenses and scholarships, and one of the ladies spoke up about my daughter, extolling all her many virtues and describing how hard she worked to attend school full-time and coach at their skating rink for a small salary. She ranted about how unfair it was that people like my daughter didn’t get big scholarships like the athletes do.

The next week, my daughter was informed by the university that this “billionaire” had deposited ten thousand dollars into her university account.

He did the same thing the next semester.

When she contacted him, he said that what the lady said made sense, and he just wanted to help her out.

I’m not saying that the doctor was planning on giving anglewannabe money. What I’m saying is that we should be friends with everyone, as much as is possible, and be kind in our THOUGHTS and in our deeds, with the knowledge that no good deed ever goes unpaid.

We need to strive to “open our circle” and bring more people into our lives, rather than closing our circle and shutting ourselves off from mankind because we “aren’t comfortable.”

 

[Anglewannabe]

That is probably because when I want advice, I speak to people whose opinion I value.

Are you saying I was wrong for thinking that some people on this forum may have good advice ?

 

[Anglewannabe]

That’s your boundary to set, obviously;.

Thank you for respecting that

I think the problem with a rigid boundary is that it keeps everyone out. Even ppl who could potentially be helpful.

I realize that and I am willing to loose the very few people who could help me in order to make sure the majority of people will not have the chance to hurt me

I’m a huge “connector.”

But that does not change the fact that some people see it differently

My perspective is that everyday’s an audition – every situation too.

I respect your opinion although I firmly disagree. Everyday is a gift from God and an opportunity to do His will. I think there are times when God wants us to network and there are times it is best not to. But to audition every day is just to stressfull of a life

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think that’s what irks me about this thread. The OP assumes so much about this doctor. Now perhaps she knows him personally and he really did grow up with a silver spoon in his mouth, all the money in the world, and friends in high places who eased his path through life. Maybe he’s truly never hit a roadblock, never had to struggle, always enjoyed perfect health, and led a charmed life.

First I would like to say that the example of your daughter viewing networking as friendship did NOT change my mind. It shows your daughter has a beautiful Christian perspective but that is not how the world is in reality. Too often I have networked and my career information has gotten into the hands of people who just used it to hurt me.

Second, I did not assume a thing about the doctor. And I know he did not have a life without struggles. But to my original point, when I said ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ instead of changing the topic, he gave a big explanation of why he said what he did. I did not need or want an explanation, I wanted to talk about something else.

 

[underacloud]

I realize that and I am willing to loose the very few people who could help me in order to make sure the majority of people will not have the chance to hurt me

I find this attitude very sad.

And contradictory…since your repeatedly come here to post on an open forum where you will receive precisely what you say you don’t want…advice.

If you truly want social isolation, there’s all sorts of things you could do. Wear a sign that says “please don’t talk to me” (though I guess some people may still try), or stop bathing, or start wearing goth clothing/hair/makeup. All sorts of things you could do to stop this terrible ordeal of people wanting to help you.

Oh, and stop posting here…in case people here try to help you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I find this attitude very sad.

And contradictory…since your repeatedly come here to post on an open forum where you will receive precisely what you say you don’t want…advice.

What I meant that I am willing to loose career help, not all help. Does that clarify? I also post here because I was hoping for support which some people did give. And I was hoping to feel less alone in the sense that others get annoyed by intrusive behaviour

 

[underacloud]

What I meant that I am willing to loose career help, not all help. Does that clarify? I also post here because I was hoping for support which some people did give. And I was hoping to feel less alone in the sense that others get annoyed by intrusive behaviour

Sure, but there are two types of support offered here, which I believe you fail to realise or appreciate:

One is the support that affirms your feelings. Poor Angie, etc. But I don’t believe it is helpful other than to make you feel better, or whatever it is you want to feel…affirmed in your anger?

The other support is to suggest alternative ways to view things. Constructive criticism of you perspective on these issues, of which you frequently post. Perspectives that may actually effect change in your life for the better.

I do not believe as Catholics we should live a life full of complaining (venting) and finding fault in others. Especially finding fault in people who are trying to help. You frequently refer to these people as trying to hurting you, and I have no idea how you draw these conclusions. They are trying to help, and even if they are going about it wrong, and even if their advice is wrong, it’s nice of them to do so. The sooner you realise this, the better. Feel free to continue to ignore any and all advice, but if you start seeing the good intentions of people rather than the frustration of the circumstances, I believe you’ll be a happier person…or at the very least you’ll be living up to the Catholic principle of assuming the best in others.

You said before that “everyday is a gift from God”. I’d love it if your posts started to reflect this more, rather than seemingly every one of them being a complaint.

 

[Sereta]

Well, a lot of people want to help, but some go overboard on force their “help” on others, not stopping to ask if that person even wants it. If the person rejects the “help”, they get all upset.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. I’ve had that plenty of times myself, and they can try to make the one not wanting the help as being unreasonable. When it’s your right, or should be.

Some consider unsolicited advice as a sign of hostility, and if they kept on long after you said you were fine, wanted to work this out on your own, I’d say they were overstepping your boundaries.

Some don’t want to take “no” as an answer.

I think I often tried to “help” people as well. Then, I’ve seen some didn’t always want it, which surprised me. Now, I try to see if they want it. If not, I pack up.

Some actually get offended if the “help”, advice, gets rejected, taking it quite personally, will get angry over the matter.

Yeah, and you were outnumbered. It was with a doctor, so probably also outpowered.

Sometimes, we are there in nothing but a hospital gown, and this doctor comes in. We are at a clear disadvantage of power. Then, if you get nurses chiming in to support the doctor, it’s hard.

It almost can make the patient look like he’s crazy or something, when he’s actually not.
They can get that kind of game going, at times.

100% agree about the doctor>patient power imbalance.

 

[Sereta]

It is a doctors job to assess their patient. And since doctors have to deal with mental health too they are usually trained to get information. When I was younger, my father died. I was about 19. A year or two went by and I was at a general practice doctor for an unrelated illness. The last thing I ever wanted to do was talk about my dad. I was so tired of well meaning people bringing it up and saying dumb things. The doctor brought it up and through some exposition he recognized that I was in severe depression. That doctor probably saved my life. And he did it by extracting painful or embarrassing information from me. A death in the family is a major stressor and cause of depression.

And would you believe it, so is unemployment. Especially if the OP is as emotional about it as they appear in this post.

I’d go to the OPs doctor over a MYOB 'script writer any day!

It’s good the situation worked for you but for some other people,this sort of questioning by doctors equates to boundary crossing and invasiveness.
Asking if everything in the patients social and emotional life is ok is acceptable but if the patient says everything is good,and the doctor keeps questioning then that’s crossing healthy boundaries.

 

[Sereta]

That’s true.

Your doctor doesn’t need to know about alcohol use, drug use. He doesn’t need to know about feelings of depression or suicide. You shouldn’t talk to him about exercise or diet. None of that is his business. Your personal life, is just that. Personal.

Oh, wait. Maybe, just maybe, it is the flip of all of that.

Because of course you need to tell your doctor about alcohol and drug use. He does need to know about depression or feelings of suicide. And he should be told about exercise and your diet.

And if you are unemployed, it is perfectly reasonable to talk about your job search.

No,he doesn’t NEED to know any of those things but if it helps YOU then tell him.

Op:doctors are only humans with own problems,emotional issues,prejudices etc and adults should never assume anything.
As adults,people need to know how to exercise right judgment

 

[Sereta]

1.When the doctor asked about your job situation what was your exact answer to him and in what tone?

2.Can you change doctors?

 

[Cat]

At this point, I am only posting in this thread for the sake of others who are reading and looking for a good, healthy “life outlook.”

No wonder so many younger people experience most of their “relationships” online.

With this kind of attitude–avoiding all who hurt you–no one will talk to anyone ever.

Intimacy can only be achieved when people are willing to open themselves up and take a chance that they might be hurt. In a good marriage, the spouses hurt each other a little every day–inadvertently, of course. But there is no marriage where the spouses always say and do the Right Things constantly. There are little bumps throughout each day of a marriage, and in a healthy marriage, the spouses learn to overlook each other’s inadequacies and flaws and love unconditionally without bringing up every little offense and analyzing it and insisting on an apology over it.

Those kind of marriages don’t last. And those kind of people have a hard time holding it together. They’re just too prickly, and eventually, people learn to stay away from them, leave them alone, and only talk to them when necessary. Pretty lonely way to live–keeping everyone at arm’s length.

I think we need to stop being so “bruiseable.” Recognize that it’s not all about us. Recognize that others are living on this planet with us and occasionally, usually because they are trying to do GOOD, not evil, to us, they will bump into us and hurt us, but we can’t hold that against them and we can’t hold people away from us because they don’t do things the way we think they should do them.

When my older daughter was about 8 or 9, she realized that if she was afraid to fall, she would never make any progress in the sport of figure skating. So she went out onto the ice for several hours and did jumps that led to falls–over and over again. By the time she got off the ice, she said, “OK, now I realize that I won’t kill myself falling.”

That’s what we need to do–live life and experience the “pain,” and get right back up and try it again. And do it with a big smile and a closing pose that says, “Triumph!”, just like figure skaters!

 

[maryjk]

Are you saying I was wrong for thinking that some people on this forum may have good advice ?

I am saying that when** I** really want advice, when I need advice,** I **go to people **I **know. My friends.

So no, you wouldn’t see me asking for advice here. Where you go for advice, that is up to you.

No,he doesn’t NEED to know any of those things but if it helps YOU then tell him.

Op:doctors are only humans with own problems,emotional issues,prejudices etc and adults should never assume anything.
As adults,people need to know how to exercise right judgment

And you see right judgement as holding back vital information from your doctor?

Obviously, that is your prerogative.

But when I go to the doctor’s office and speak to my doctor, I tell him what is going on in my life. Especially if what is going on in my life may be causing health problems.

 

[Lorelei12]

As much as I sympathize with your plight (and I truly do- I know what it is like to be unemployed and I am also a private person who gets irritated by nosy and intrusive, inappropriate people) I really think it would benefit you to focus more on your response to other people rather than their inappropriateness, perceived or real.

I say this because nearly every thread that has been started by you is about someone who gets on your nerves. Your doctor. Your coworker. Your boss. A woman you used to know and ran into. A woman from your networking group. An elderly lady. Now, either you really somehow are acquainted with the most annoying boundary-crossers on the planet, or maybe sometimes it’s just an oversensitive/overreaction response on your part. Probably somewhere in between. From what you’ve described, I personally don’t really think your doctor did anything wrong. Some of these other people, sure. The thing is, we are always going to encounter people who push our buttons. Sometimes the problem is them, but sometimes the problem is us too. If there is a pattern where you can find a problem about nearly everyone you encounter, it’s time to examine why that might be. Whether that means reading literature about setting boundaries, dealing with coworkers and other difficult people, or seeking counseling or talking to a priest or friend or family member…it’s worth considering that your frequent annoyances is having a negative effect on your health as well as spiritual life. That’s no way to live.

You absolutely have the right to tell anyone and everyone that you do not want to talk about a certain subject. It seems like you have been doing that, and people should respect any boundary you set. To a certain extent, I sometimes feel as though there is a certain level of politeness and decorum lacking in our society- lots of people overshare, and it sets people up with the expectation that others’ private lives are their business. And when someone tries to keep their privacy intact, some people get offended and push. This is a shame, and it makes it difficult for those of us who are more private and like it that way. I really do hope that you can find some peace in your life and figure out a way to assume the best of others and let the rest go.

 

[yellowbird]

As much as I sympathize with your plight (and I truly do- I know what it is like to be unemployed and I am also a private person who gets irritated by nosy and intrusive, inappropriate people) I really think it would benefit you to focus more on your response to other people rather than their inappropriateness, perceived or real.

I say this because nearly every thread that has been started by you is about someone who gets on your nerves. Your doctor. Your coworker. Your boss. A woman you used to know and ran into. A woman from your networking group. An elderly lady. Now, either you really somehow are acquainted with the most annoying boundary-crossers on the planet, or maybe sometimes it’s just an oversensitive/overreaction response on your part. Probably somewhere in between. From what you’ve described, I personally don’t really think your doctor did anything wrong. Some of these other people, sure. The thing is, we are always going to encounter people who push our buttons. Sometimes the problem is them, but sometimes the problem is us too. If there is a pattern where you can find a problem about nearly everyone you encounter, it’s time to examine why that might be. Whether that means reading literature about setting boundaries, dealing with coworkers and other difficult people, or seeking counseling or talking to a priest or friend or family member…it’s worth considering that your frequent annoyances is having a negative effect on your health as well as spiritual life. That’s no way to live.

You absolutely have the right to tell anyone and everyone that you do not want to talk about a certain subject. It seems like you have been doing that, and people should respect any boundary you set. To a certain extent, I sometimes feel as though there is a certain level of politeness and decorum lacking in our society- lots of people overshare, and it sets people up with the expectation that others’ private lives are their business. And when someone tries to keep their privacy intact, some people get offended and push. This is a shame, and it makes it difficult for those of us who are more private and like it that way. I really do hope that you can find some peace in your life and figure out a way to assume the best of others and let the rest go.

What kind, good advice.