This is so difficult to explain - all I know is that I'm a mess

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HurtbutChanging

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I am completely ashamed of my situation, but here it goes. My husband and I have been married for a little over 1.5 years, and have never consummated the marriage. We were/ are both virgins when we married. Initially we did not have sex because we were just beginning to following NPF and wanted to ensure that we were doing the charting correctly. Eventually it just became an excuse to avoid that type of intimacy all together… It’s such an awkward and difficult thing to explain. I can’t even really begin to explain my reasoning for not giving myself to him. I think part of the problem may be that our courtship was short, and at times I believe we jumped into marriage without giving it a chance to grow.

We were engaged 9 months after we initially started dating, and married about a year later. The situation gets a bit more complicated as when we met I had JUST ended a 6 year relationship with another man. Instead of giving myself the a ‘proper’ break, I agreed to go on a date with him. I knew at the time that it was probably a mistake to jump so quickly, but I was so excited about him! He was the first somewhat cool 😉 young practicing Catholic that I ever met! He was quite a bit different than all the other guys I knew who were/continue to be heavily into partying, and promiscuous. He just seemed like such a great catch (and he is)! We definitely have our problems though. He’s not the best communicator, which often leaves me feeling lonely. I’m also the one who ‘works’ on the relationship, and he really does nothing to contribute to the success of our marriage. He’s an introvert who depends on me for his social life. He rarely sees his friends, and quite frankly, doesn’t really have any other than me.

He’s been well aware of my feelings long (maybe 5-6 months) before the wedding, but assured me that everything would be fine and that I was just experiencing cold feet. I sometimes think that I would have liked to remain single a bit longer, and to just enjoy the dating/ “getting to know each other better” stage a bit longer.

I don’t know where to turn. We started going to counseling together, but it didn’t turn out too well. I’ve just started going for individual counseling too, so I hope it gives me a little bit of insight into my situation. We continue to pray together on a daily basis too. My husband has been extremely patient and understanding, but I mean…something has got to give! He’s willing to work on things too…There have been times when I just thought to myself to just ‘do it’ and get it over with, but…I obviously don’t want to ‘give’ myself away when I’m suffering with this state of mind…

The plot thickens even more. Nine months or so after getting married, I returned to school. There I met a man who I would normally be attracted to, but would have the good sense to avoid. He was the typical bad boy: casual drug user, 12 year old son out of wedlock, former cop, promiscuous lifestyle (we’re talking like 85-90 partners), chronic liar, tattoos (one of them even read, "In the name of the son, father and Holy Spirit, in Latin), and yes, even a former alter boy! And yes I fell for temptation. We had an emotional and physical relationship (of course it was never consummated - THANK GOSH) for a few months. He promised me the world (e.g. claimed how perfect we’d be together, attend church together, have children together etc) and despite all the warning signs (including gut feelings) I fell for him hook, line, and sinker. Example of a warning sign, one night after working on a group project together he asked me to attend a party his friend was throwing. I agreed to attend. Most of the people there had children, so the deal was the children would ‘play’ downstairs while the adults were upstairs enjoying some adult beverages. Well, this man got completely plastered, and even smoked some drugs! With his son downstairs! The kicker is that he is a grown man of 35 years old too who just so happens to be a state of perceptual adolescence. After years of ‘playing it smart’ I fell for a player…the saddest thing is that during the affair I could feel some distance growing between God and myself. Praying felt fake…obviously I knew what I was doing was wrong.

Long story short, I confessed to my husband about the affair. My husband is willing/wanting to work on our relationship. He feels that God put us on eachother’s paths for a reason. I messed up so badly here…I don’t even know how to put my life back together. I keep telling myself that this is a perfect opportunity to deepen my faith and my relationship with the Lord. I pray A LOT, read the bible, and other spiritual books (of the Catholic faith of course). I’m am sickened with myself, because normally I am such a “good girl.” One of the worst things is that I miss the ‘other man’, or at least how I knew him to be. I guess I really never did know who he truly was, he just presented himself to me the way I wanted him to…but I still cry about it, and think about it.

So at the very least I’m glad to get this off my chest. If anyone has any words of encouragement or advice feel free to comment.
 
Well, actually, you and your husband are not married.

Seriously.

You could divorce and get it annulled tomorrow. It’s like you bought a house and signed some papers but never moved into the house.

That would account for your bizarre feelings. You have not bonded with your own husband at the level Christ planned for marriage. You are not husband and wife. You are roommates.

Until you consummate the marriage, you are not married.

You need to find out why YOU are not ready to commit to this man.

And I wonder about a man so “patient” that he would go 1.5 years not consummating his marriage.

Is he gay?

Seriously. Is he fighting Same Sex Attraction?

This is NOT normal. Either he is a candidate for the saint of the month club, or he has profound issues too. Or maybe he loves you like you will never be loved again in your life, and you better be sure you know what you’re doing if you throw that away.

Both of you need to see good Catholic counselors. Separately.

Then decide where you will proceed from that point.

Stay away from the losers. As you are now, you aren’t at risk of AIDs or other viruses.

Increase your prayer life. Stay in the state of grace. No decision you make outside of that will be helpful.

Good luck.
 
I would feel obligated if I were you to let your “husband” know that you are not married and he can make a clean split and start over with someone else. It is also really strange that you are ok with being intimate with a stranger but have avoided the man who is supposed to be your husband 1.5 years. It seems you need to get help and work out all your problems before you attempt another marriage and break more hearts.

I also agree your current guy is a candidate for sainthood or is trying to hide he is gay. Seriously, waiting 1.5 years and then you have a physical affair with someone else. Maybe some men might like the humiliation but that seems more than any one man can be expected to take.
 
You haven’t mentioned what is in your heart about your husband? Do you love him? Or do you want out? Since you are not consummated, yes, you can technically get an annulment, and possibly spare this man a lifetime of struggles.

What is it that prevents you from having consummated the marriage? Fear of intimacy? Lack of sexual drive? I hate to say this, but I think you need to talk to a priest and a psychological professional because it sounds like you may be suffering from a mental illness. I say this in love. Did you have any traumatic childhood experiences with men or sex that would cause you to avoid your husband sexually yet at the same time latch on the fantasy of another man? Do you have feelings of shame associated with sex? Please, I am truly asking this out of love.

As far as your husband being gay - yes, this may be the case and that is why he chose to marry a woman with no sexual pressure placed on him. On the other hand, he could just be suffering mentally as well. Does he try and initiate relations with you?
 
Clearly, you are not ready to be married. You do need counseling and you need to open yourself up in counseling and address fully the pain that you are avoiding.

I also want to add that it is a shame that the truly understanding guys are the ones that get walked all over. It kind of gets to me to think that so many jerks have wives bending over backwards for them, but a nice understanding man has a wife who not only won’t give herself to him, she goes out looking elsewhere. Obviously this phenomenon has nothing to do with rationality, but it is something to think about.
 
WHOA!!! THEY ARE MARRIED.

Everybody stop right now. It is a valid marriage, providing there are no other impediments.

It is a disolvable marriage, only from the vatican…but right now, they are validly married.

A marriage does not have to be consummated in order to be valid. It has to be consumated in order to be indisolvable. This is a common misconception.
Can. 1142 For a just cause, the Roman Pontiff can dissolve a non-consummated marriage between baptized persons or between a baptized party and a non-baptized party at the request of both parties or of one of them, even if the other party is unwilling.
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They cannot get an annullment from lack of consummation.
 
I think it is unfair, based on the information provided to insinuate that this man is either gay or has mental problems of his own. Men who are denied relations for a long period of time are going to go into a shell as a defense and to preserve purity. A sexless marriage can be very difficult for a man, he has to tone down his affection for his wife in order not to become aroused with no moral outlet for his arousal. This aspect of his behavior is not at all surprising. Also since the OP was at the same time having an (emotional) affair with another man it is not surprising that her husband might pick up on her lack of affection for him.

I suspect that they started NFP without discussing it in detail together and with a priest or NFP expert. This is one of the possible side effects of NFP when not used properly, lack of relation due to fear of pregnancy.
 
You needn’t be ashamed of your situation in the least, ok? I’m a mother and a grandmother and I can tell you that seriously, it’s ok, and seriously you’re ok, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with either of you. Whether you realize it or not, what you are describing are extremely common aftereffects for a couple of whom one or both were sexually molested as children but do not consciously remember, and God brought them together so they would heal one another and learn and grow and build a happy and fulfilling life together. It’s very common, dear, and it’s nothing that you can’t handle and heal. I am talking from firsthand experience.
Look for a good counselor well experienced in dealing with the aftereffects of childhood sexual abuse. The Church, by the way, has not got a particularly good track record of adequately dealing with this issue at all, it’s why I am a former Catholic.
 
Have the two of you talked to a priest about this? This is highly abnormal, really, and I mean that in the nicest way I can say it.

St. Therese’s parents were celibate in their marriage until a priest told them it was most definitely NOT ok to be so. Sex is an integral part of marriage not an optional one.

Of course you feel attracted to other men, you haven’t bonded with your husband. What is your aversion to sex? Are you scared? Been abused? You need to address these issues.

I think it’s very wrong for people to be assuming this man is gay. Maybe he just is put off by the idea that his own wife doesn’t want to be intimate with him, especially if he is the shy type.

Counseling, counseling counseling.:gopray:
 
MercyMia said:
Sorry if I was too hasty in saying that it could be annulled. :o
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It can be legally annulled. Most states require a marriage to be consummated to be valid so you could get your marriage annulled in civil court but then you are still married in the eyes of the church.

It is valid to live “as brother and sister” in certain circumstances so you should be okay. But you do need to get resolution for the both of you.

You are in my prayers.
 
They may be validly married legally, but they have not consummated the marriage in 1.5 years. They can still get out of it very easily. Much more easily than they would have if they had consummated it.

I did not say the husband was gay. I asked if he could be.

I repeat, it’s not normal for a man to put up with 1.5 years of never having relations with a woman he loves after marrying her.

There is more going on here than the OP indicates. She may not even be aware of what’s really going on here. But most men would have walked after the first year. How long does he expect this to go on? His patience is either saintly or suspect. That’s all I’m saying. Since we haven’t met him, I’m just raising the question.
 
It’s absurd to say that I have a mental illness because I will not be intimate with my husband. Would it be better to give myself without first being comfortable? I did not go into married life thinking that I’d still be a virgin 1.5 years later. That said I realize that I have a problem, and have already sought out help from a variety of sources.

And about the other man…clearly things in my marriage and within myself were/are lacking. I felt alone in the marriage, he ignored me. It was my responsibility to take care of the household, be the emotional crutch, and expected to work and attend school. Stupidly and blindly, I entered into a ‘fantasy like’ relationship with a person whom I thought I could trust. He may have sensed my vulnerability and took advantage of it. He promised and offered me things that my husband was unable/could not provide me with. I must have had a lot of people praying for me during that dark time, because for some reason God spared me the anguish of it going further than it did. But now I am still suffering greatly from my unfaithfulness. Although I am ashamed of what I did, I am proud that I was able to recognize my wrongdoings and confess them.

I will not lie - my family is full of failed marriages. Even my elderly grandparents are divorced, and one even remarried (and has long left the Catholic Church). My father was a horrible role model - he has several addictions ( alcoholism, gambling), narcissistic personality, womanizer…who never knew how to love his children. I can even recall him saying to my mother when I was about 5 or 6 “You wanted them, you take care of them.” Horrifically, my sister and I accidentally found out about sex at a young age (7ish?) when we came across my father’s videotape that he left the vcr…

Obviously, intimacy is an extremely important part of marriage. Like I mentioned I never anticipated being a virgin 1.5 years after being married. I do deeply regret and am sorry for the atrocities I committed against God and my husband. I obviously was not of sound mind during that period, I was short sighted and my vision was clouded. I sinned. But I can only beat myself up for so long. It takes TWO to make a marriage work. I was the only one working toward anything, while my husband sat on the sidelines.

I do not believe my marriage (or anyone else’s) can be easily dissolved. If I thought that I would have ended things long ago. We’re now both trying to figure out what went wrong in our relationship (the causes), and how/if they can be mended. At least now, finally, we’re both willing to work on it.
 
You definitely could easily get out of your marriage, but the problem is that where you would go from there would be anywhere but easy. You have the very difficult task as the daughter of an alcoholic womanizing narcissist of valuing yourself, of not looking for outside replacements for that very necessary element of self-worth, and of not looking for outside targets to blame for the lack of value you place upon yourself. It’s a tough task and not many are up to it. I hope you will buck the trend.
 
whm said:
I suspect that they started NFP without discussing it in detail together and with a priest or NFP expert. This is one of the possible side effects of NFP when not used properly, lack of relation due to fear of pregnancy.
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Actually, we did speak to our priest, participated in a training session, and consulted several times with a NPF nurse on numerous occasions.

And for the record, I was not sexually abused as a child. I had a traumatic childhood mind you, and I experienced severe emotional abuse, but I was never sexually molested. The last time my father went on an extended bender (and nearly did himself in) our family doctor insisted that each of us (mother, sister, and myself) pay a visit to a psychiatrist. We had a frank and open discussion about my past, and he indicated that I had experienced severe trauma as a child, and gave me a prescription. Naturally I did not take the medication, but during that period I finally came to terms or at least better understood the nature of my upbringing.
 
HurtbutChanging said:
I do not believe my marriage (or anyone else’s) can be easily dissolved. If I thought that I would have ended things long ago. We’re now both trying to figure out what went wrong in our relationship (the causes), and how/if they can be mended. At least now, finally, we’re both willing to work on it.
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I what you say above is a good sign. I will pray for the 2 of you. Perhaps the two of you could do the “Love Dare”. It would definitely help your DH come out of his shell.
 
I agree that counseling and/or spiritual direction could be helpful for both of you. I also think reading more about Catholic marriage together could be helpful. My husband and I read a couple of marriage books during our engagement and I really feel like it was helpful to be starting from the same page. You may learn more about the vocation of marriage and the role of sexual intimacy.

It sounds like you’re frustrated and feeling guilty. You’re married to this man and you admire him a lot for his patience and fortitude but are suffering because of regrets. I think you need a clean start within your marriage. You’ve confessed to your husband, but have you been to confession? Confession may be more freeing then you realize.

Out of curiosity, did you and your husband get a chance to go on a honeymoon? What if you were to schedule sex to happen about a month from now? You could get your husband in on the excitement, pick out what you want to wear, and really plan the evening to be something special (e.g., Mass, a fancy dinner, romantic walk in the park, sexual intercourse). You missed the building excitement and sexual tension that comes from anticipating your wedding night, because you were planning on abstaining for NFP. But why not try to recreate it?

I also recommend you consider Retrouvaille, a Catholic seminar for couples in troubled marriages. retrouvaille.org/ I’ve never been myself, but I hear good things about it. It’s supposed to give couples the tools to communicate better. You may feel more willing to give yourself physically to your husband when you are connecting emotionally.

I’ll keep you in my prayers today. God bless you and your husband.

p.s. Try not to get too upset over some of the posts on this thread. It’s difficult to convey tone over the internet. I used to get defensive on reading the replies; it can feel like you’re being accused after you just bared your soul to the world. Know that most people here are not judging you or trying to be hurtful, even if their posts come across that way sometimes.
 
dulcissima said:
You definitely could easily get out of your marriage, but the problem is that where you would go from there would be anywhere but easy. You have the very difficult task as the daughter of an alcoholic womanizing narcissist of valuing yourself, of not looking for outside replacements for that very necessary element of self-worth, and of not looking for outside targets to blame for the lack of value you place upon yourself. It’s a tough task and not many are up to it. I hope you will buck the trend.
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Shortly after the affair ended, I could see the similarities between myself and my father. Although he had a faithful and devoted wife, he continued to see other women. For a person who always said that they’d be nothing like their father, I felt horribly ill (and continue to do so) that I was following his example. Obviously, I do not blame my father for who I turned out to be, but growing up in that dysfunctional home surely affected, at least to some extent, the person I am today. I’m trying to prevent the cycle from happening again.
 
Hurt, you are beating yourself up horribly. I’m not attacking you. You do a good enough job yourself.

I will repeat my advice. And understand please it is given with the horrified realization I have in me that my own children have a similar role model with their father and their ability to have healthy relationships with men in the future is really in doubt. 😦

Once you recognize the roots of a problem, you can start fixing it.

You need to find out why you took the landmark step of marrying someone you did not feel comfortable with. And why you still don’t feel comfortable enough with your husband 1.5 years later to have marital relations.

And he’s not pulling his weight in this “marriage.” Why not? What was his background that he is willing to be so passive in his own marriage?

You have a “relationship” that isn’t easy to dissolve only because of the time spent in it. But let me just say, having been through the annulment process myself, that everything you say about your childhood home environment and your marriage and the lack of consummation and your husband’s behavior and the fact that within a year you were having a significant relationship with someone else all point to an easy decision by the tribunal.

No one is saying you are mentally ill. You have issues, both of you, that you need to work out.

And by saying that the fact you haven’t consummated the marriage doesn’t affect it’s canonical status is a complete negation of the reality of the conjugal act in the context of marriage. It is a physical joining of bodies in a sacramental union. You have said the vows with your lips but literally not completed the marriage ceremony. It’s like a priest began the consecration and left the altar without finishing saying the words of the consecration. Transubstantiation didn’t take place. You need to talk to your priest about your status. And whether you intend to remain in this incomplete union. What you call mere “intimacy” goes to the heart of the marriage covenant. You don’t have it yet.

Whether you think you have a marriage is immaterial. On the level of spiritual reality, you haven’t bonded with your husband at the deepest level. That is why you are so uncertain about your feelings. No one is saying sleep with a man you don’t feel comfortable with. But you need to find out the reasons for those feelings of discomfort and why he is willing to tolerate this rejection for so long before you proceed.

Good luck.
 
HurtbutChanging said:
Shortly after the affair ended, I could see the similarities between myself and my father. Although he had a faithful and devoted wife, he continued to see other women. For a person who always said that they’d be nothing like their father, I felt horribly ill (and continue to do so) that I was following his example. Obviously, I do not blame my father for who I turned out to be, but growing up in that dysfunctional home surely affected, at least to some extent, the person I am today. I’m trying to prevent the cycle from happening again.
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The good news is that it is totally and completely a choice and that it is your choice and no one elses. My neighbor grew up under similar circumstances and told me that one day she realized that she was becoming her dad. It was a terrible realization to have, but she was so fortunate to be able to see it. I see her as a wonderful mother, wife, and friend. So, I do think that you have reason to be hopeful.
 
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