This is the major obstacle to my faith - Lust, masturbation, pornography

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ignatiustree

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I am facing a crisis of some sort in my Catholic faith.

I am a man in my 20’s. 3 years ago, I’ve been baptised as a Catholic, but I am still not free from the habits of watching pornography and masturbating that I’ve kept up ever since I was a teen. I see that many people on this forum and elsewhere have expressed their desires to quit PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) alltogether, but the trouble with me is that I am unsure whether I even have this desire to quit once and for all. Recently, I find myself PMOing at least once every 14 days and spending 2-3 hours per “session”.

It might be difficult for some people to understand, but many times, I cannot truly comprehend why such “vices” (sins) are forbidden by the Church, though I can understand them logically, from Jesus’ injunction to not look at any woman with lustful eyes. I know that if I die without having confessed my mortal sins, I will go to hell; this is something that I fear and do not want. Perhaps I am justifying my sins through telling myself that I am still young and am not in the danger of dying without a confession.

I confess that I am not an ardent believer yet and am not even sure whether I can still call myself a Catholic. However, I do see the need to quit PMO, though the desire to do so is not as strong. I wish I can strengthen myself in faith and stick to the disciplines of the Church, though I feel lost. I am planning to fast more regularly since I’ve read that this helps.

I’d appreciate any suggestions on strengthening my faith, truly understanding the religion, and living according to what is Good and not merely convenient.
 
ignatiustree said:
It might be difficult for some people to understand, but many times, I cannot truly comprehend why such “vices” (sins) are forbidden by the Church, t
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One reason is that it is treating something imaginary as if it were real, which is a component of the sin of idolatry.

The best thing for any habitual sin is to find a good confessor who is tough but understanding, go to confession, say an Act of Contrition often.

One more suggestion: get to know some real women…
 
Hi @ignatiustree,

I’ve struggled with the same vice since adolescence, but have recently gone for fairly long stretches without indulging in PMO. My longest period was about half a year. Here’s what helped me.

1.) First and foremost, try to develop a develop a stronger prayer life. If you haven’t already done so, get in the habit of praying a daily rosary. Get a ring rosary so that you can pray while driving or on your lunch break, or whenever. Once you get into the routine of the daily rosary, try doing other things like quiet contemplative prayer.

2.) Try and find other men who have struggled and conquered the same issue. I honestly did not think it was realistic to abstain from PMO until I met other men who had more or lest kicked the habit, and knowing that they did it helped me realize that I could too. I met most of these men via Exodus90, which I cannot recommend enough if you are serious about your faith and becoming a better Catholic man.

3.) Read Matt Fradd’s book “The Porn Myth”. Among other things, it addresses the perils of porn usage on your mind, body and soul. It also exposes the things that occur behind the scenes and sometimes in front of the camera – human trafficking, drug addiction, sexual assault, etc.

4.) Get to confession as soon as you are able. I’ve found that it can sometimes be motivating if you continue to see the same priest for successive confessions – a good priest can often give you coping mechanisms for avoiding temptation.
 
ignatiustree said:
I am facing a crisis of some sort in my Catholic faith.
…
It might be difficult for some people to understand, but many times, I cannot truly comprehend why such “vices” (sins) are forbidden by the Church, …
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It all begins in the thoughts. The person that dwells on stimulating thoughts receives reinforcement, because of the resulting chemicals in the body. This forms a psychological addiction. It can also happen that there is conditioning happening such that certain objects are associated with the activity. Have you heard of Pavlog dog classical conditioning where dogs would often begin salivating in the absence of food and smell when an associated neutral stimulus (like a sound) was perceived?

So avoiding dwelling on the thoughts and avoiding associated stimulus is important to overcome the addiction in time. It is possible to become a slave to sin (Romans 6, 15-23, 1 Peter 3, 14-22). The will to not sin must be strengthened through exercise of it, for sin is a disorder of the will. In the face of habits, resistance is needed.

St. Paul said, 1 Corinthians 6
15 Know you not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.
16 Or know you not, that he who is joined to a harlot, is made one body? For they shall be, saith he, two in one flesh.
17 But he who is joined to the Lord, is one spirit.
18 Fly fornication. Every sin that a man doth, is without the body; but he that committeth fornication, sinneth against his own body.
19 Or know you not, that your members are the temple of the Holy Ghost, who is in you, whom you have from God; and you are not your own?
20 For you are bought with a great price. Glorify and bear God in your body.
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I recommend learning a bit of Catholic spiritual theology, especially as understood in the Carmelite school. It could help tremendously to realize that the journey you are traveling, in this life, is a “life-time” long, but has a roadmap that requires a journey “across” three very different terrains. The first region is difficult because it is mountainous - with some hard climbing required, and dangerous portions as well. On the other side of that region the land changes quite a bit: it becomes flatter, but the heat grows on stretches of desert, yet there are places of oasis and springs of cool water here and there, bringing great refreshment. This is a part of the journey when you realize very deeply how blessed you are, to be here,

Finally there is the third and last stretch before the end of your journey, which is a “piece of cake” in one sense, yet is most challenging in another sense, and yet still the most profoundly blessed part of the journey. It is a burden to carry, yet the burden is light. It is dark, yet also filled with seeing. Most important, it is very, very close to the end; and the closest taste of it this side of heaven.

Such an understanding of the road ahead can give great perseverance in the hard places to climb, in the beginning. That first part is a “phase” - so hang in there and keep up the struggle. Pray! And keep moving ahead.

A book that might help is The Ordinary Path to Holiness.
 
Praying for you. You know, a lot of people are required to do things that they don’t desire, like work at a job they dislike, or eat broccoli, that’s part of the human experience. God is forgiving of all our failings, we just have to ask.
 
Dear ignatiustree,

Reading Fide’s reply to you, and his recommendation to read - “The Ordinary Path to Holiness” I heartily agree: this book can help you! It is helpful to all of us struggling spiritually to “quit” desire for any sin against God.

I’ve read the “Ordinary Path to Holiness” and gone back to re-read it and I’ve suggested it to others because it is written by a Catholic layman who has struggled to learn and by God’s Grace has been able to share what he learned with clarity and unction.

The Introduction to the book was written by Fr. Benedict Groeschel, CFR who ends with these significant words:
"This is one of those rare books that is to be lived as well as read. But read it with your soul as well as your mind, and with your heart as well as your eyes.
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Words in bold are my emphasis. Hope you will order the book soon.
 
ignatiustree said:
I’d appreciate any suggestions on strengthening my faith, truly understanding the religion, and living according to what is Good and not merely convenient.
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People don’t go to hell because they can’t stop marurbating. It just doesn’t work that way.

You are guilting yourself right out of your faith. That is not the right way to live.

It seems like you are doing good in making progress to get where you want to be. Your intentions seem good, so that is where your focus should be.
 
bfelicisimo said:
First and foremost, try to develop a develop a stronger prayer life. If you haven’t already done so, get in the habit of praying a daily rosary. Get a ring rosary so that you can pray while driving or on your lunch break, or whenever. Once you get into the routine of the daily rosary, try doing other things like quiet contemplative prayer.
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I endorse, including commas 🙂
 
Understand that there is something more going on here than just a heavenly scorecard tracking your failures. There is a big picture I hope you let yourself see; and your discouragement can blind you to it, which is tragic, because the big picture is very inspiring.

The church teachings on PMO is one part of a larger call to holiness in our sexuality. And coming from the culture we come from, many of us have many long miles to go before we reach that high standard of sexual holiness. God knows that many of his standards are so high we may never reach them fully in this life, so he lovingly and graciously provides confession and no limits on how many times we can go. There’s grace as we journey along this way. If we are making an honest effort to go from a not-good place, to a better place, is the Lord pleased with that? Even if I’m still far from the ideal place? Of course.

In my own long struggle, I felt like the Lord asked me, are you willing to try and fail and then try again and fail thousands of times and never give up, for love of me, never giving up until you find my freedom? Part of that is really believing that God is working real holiness in you, including a transformation of holiness in your sexuality. So we stubbornly pursue holiness even in the most broken & sinful part of our life because we believe that God is so totally committed to (someday) completing in us this transformation of holiness. We never ever give up.
 
1 Corinthians 7: 1 - 7

2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. (Comment: St. Paul does not command periods of marital abstinence from sex)

I do not see a comment on your marital status in your OP. St. Paul, 2000 years ago, in the scripture above recommends the healthy and Godly way to address sexual needs…

Paul’s recommendations come from a society 2000 years ago, which in some ways was healthier than our own. For example, “good marriages” with extended family support were better arranged in small communities, where people knew each other and family reputations in the community. Therefore, Paul’s recommendation is that people who need sexual release achieve it by marrying, which is Godly.

The marriage system in modern society is in much disarray. Easy divorce in the courts frightens many away from Holy Matrimony, but that remains the Catholic ideal and sacrament for perpetuation of the family.

Many modern, evil, influences impinge negatively on marital satisfaction, including television and computers. 100 years ago, lights were out early and couples retired to the bedroom, where sex was the marital entertainment. This enhanced family and marital bonding.

2 Timothy 3: 3 - 6

3 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come.

2 For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,

3 Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good,

4 Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

5 Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.

6 For of this sort are they which creep into houses, and lead captive silly women laden with sins, led away with divers lusts,

7 Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
Television and the computer are the cultural engines “which creeps into houses” and leads people astray. Under the guise of “feminism,” many wives violate the precepts of 1 Corinthians (above) and deny the husband ready use of their body. Frustrated men will then be tempted to turn elsewhere (to pornography or fornication). Where either spouse denies the other, temptation (Satan) enters in. Pornography (and even online arrangement of “hook-ups” for fornication) are almost instantaneous. Catholics who cherish the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony need to take St. Paul’s words to heart.
 
First of all do not despair, that is indeed the only “unforgivable” sin.

There is no situation in life where God cannot help you overcome, Jesus overcame death, which is the worst that can happen to us.

Lust is something that on our own we cannot overcome, we need both God’s grace, being smart to avoid dangerous situations, and seek help if we need to, and must also work to strengthen our will and become aware of its true destructive powers.

Just as we take reasonable precautions to avoid Covid-19, although we might catch it, it feel terrible if we were reckless and become infected, there will always be guilt in that case.

Would recommend to see “https://fightthenewdrug.org/” to understand even from a non-religious view point just how damaging pornography can be, it is also promoting human trafficking and creating a never ending addiction in so many people.

Then search for Catholic teaching regarding porn, however it is hardly a secret that lust has ruined and destroyed countless marriages and relationships which would have been successful otherwise, one just have to see how lust fuels infidelity.

It is also therefore no surprise why today there are so many divorces.

Purity is like gold, scarce in this lustful world but incredibly valuable, once you experience it, just as freedom is incredible for someone who has lived for a long time locked up.

One can only see the true value of things, once you no longer have them, that is precisely why Hell is so terrible, we lose God which is the basis of any and all goodness itself.
 
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Just keep trying. That’s what we are called to do. I know it seems like an exercise in futility, but when we confess, our humility overcomes the futility. Jesus never tires of giving us his mercy. Trust me. Overcoming these things will likely be a long process.
 
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Of course Satan was probably doing his little “snoopy dance” when the churches were closed. People who are addicted to these sins of impurity didn’t have the help they needed. It is very important to go to the sacraments and develop a close relationship with God.

All the devil does is tell you rub it more and you’ll feel better.
 
Yeah, other than spiritual reasons there doesn’t seem to be great reasons why PMO is bad other than that it can be addictive for some. Being where you are in your journey of faith, faith may not be a good enough motivation to stop on it’s own especially since it’s such a natural desire(you are young and your sex drive is higher for a biological reason) People may have other reasons to not do it such as developing and strengthening will power or to improve their sex life but unless it’s taken over your life, it’s not harmful to many outside of the spiritual realm.

Maybe if you find reasons outside of the spiritual realm such as developing willpower and working on yourself or saving yourself for marriage it will be easier to want to stop. Maybe challenge yourself- for some a challenge or competition makes it more appealing
 
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ignatiustree said:
I wish I can strengthen myself in faith and stick to the disciplines of the Church, though I feel lost. I am planning to fast more regularly since I’ve read that this helps.
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How’s your prayer life?

I believe what helps me is a structured prayer life. Liturgy of the Hours morning & evening prayer every day. Daily Rosary (meditation on the life of Jesus). And conscience participation in the Mass, weekly.

At first I failed regularly. Now, less frequently, where I can’t even remember the last time I failed. God keeps my mind preoccupied with other things.
 
I’m in the exact same place as you man. I’m in my 20s, been PMO addicted since I was 13 and have been trying (and failing) to quit ever since. Its reached the point with me too where, even though I fully understand and accept Catholic teaching, the desire to PMO is often so much stronger and I wonder somedays whether I even want to try.

Like many others have said though, the victory is in trying earnestly. Only when we stop trying to overcome sin are we really in a state of failure. Never stop trying, no matter what. I think a large part of why I haven’t made much progress is that my spiritual life is not very strong. So I’ve been trying to have a steadier prayer life (finding a group of people who pray together daily over phone/video call is a huge help with that) and trying to study more about my faith.

Changing yourself spiritually is crucial I think, but some other practical but necessary components are 1) accountability, 2) guidance and 3) education.

1)Have an accountability partner who understands what you’re going through and will not neglect their role of keeping you accountable. I’ve gone through a few accountability partners myself. What often happens is I neglect to get in touch with the partner out of shame/guilt, and they neglect to get in touch with me too. That’s not going to work. So find someone who is able and willing to stay on your case. If you don’t already, get Covenant Eyes on all of your devices and add your accountability partner.

2)Have a spiritual director (preferably a priest) you can meet with about once a month. They will give you guidance and encouragement when it comes to your addiction as well as your spiritual life.

3)Check out resources like the website “Your Brain On Porn” or Matt Fradd’s book “The Porn Myth” to learn more about exactly why you’re addicted to porn and how you can train your brain to break the habit.

I’m praying for you and for everyone struggling with this vice. God bless man 🙂
 
ignatiustree said:
I cannot truly comprehend why such “vices” (sins) are forbidden by the Church
…
Perhaps I am justifying my sins through telling myself that I am still young and am not in the danger of dying without a confession.

I confess that I am not an ardent believer yet and am not even sure whether I can still call myself a Catholic. However, I do see the need to quit PMO, though the desire to do so is not as strong. I wish I can strengthen myself in faith and stick to the disciplines of the Church, though I feel lost.
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It’s not called the sin of self-love for nothing. The problem with PMO is that it’s (obviously) a self-centred activity - to the exclusion of everyone and everything else. At the risk of stating the obvious, it’s not something which is done in the company of others! Therein lies the problem; it leads you focus intensely in on yourself to the exclusion of everyone and everything else much like any addiction. Add to that the law of diminishing returns - the more you’re exposed to the more you need to achieve the same feelings - and it all adds up to a serious problem.

So, first and foremost I’d say go to confession not just once but every time it happens and as soon as you can after each session and, if you can, to the same priest. Granted, that’s more than a bit of an ask; you’re going to be asking yourself “what’s this guy going to think of me”? and you’ll also feel like you’re going nowhere fast. Believe me when I tell you that this is something which I hear far more often in the confessional than you’d think and across the age spectrum! Besides that, remember that grace builds on nature; you have to want to quit but God also helps you through the grace received in the sacrament to do what you can’t do by yourself.

Finally, find someone you can trust to help hold you accountable, find something else to direct your energies into and, most of all, pray!
 
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