This may seem like a crazy question, but I have to ask anyway. Why do people want kids?

[Sarabande]

(12-hour shifts don’t sound conducive to marriage, even a childless marriage.)

Actually, it can be if you are one who is totally devoted to your family. My father is a physician in internal medicine and when we were children he worked 16-hour days at the hospital and in his private practice. (He now has cut down to 12 hour days and thinks that is heaven. LOL.)

That said, I have spoken to my siblings about this, and never once did we ever felt neglected by him. He was there in the morning to help us get ready for school since we had to get up for the bus the same time he got up (around 5:30/6:00). If we had problems with schoolwork and my mother couldn’t help us with it, she’d put us to sleep and when my father would get home from work around 11:00 or 12:00 at night, he’d wake us up, we’d go down to the kitchen and while he ate his dinner, we’d work out our math or science problems together. Then they’d put us back to bed, or we’d go back to bed on our own as we got older.

The weekends were always totally devoted to us and the rest of his family. The only time he’d have for himself was during hunting season, but even then we would sometimes all go to the mountains with him and enjoy the time around the “safe” areas, since our family owned almost 200 acres of land altogether - what was a few acres of “safe” ground around the cabins/houses for the kids to play in?

And the thing is he loved every minute of it. Sure, he admits that it was sometimes hard and that it can be very expensive to raise children especially since my twp siblings had learning disabilities and all three of us had to go through speech therapy for many years since my brother and I almost went deaf due to early childhood infections and needed to have ear tubes put in to get our hearing back and my brother having surgery on his ears due to complications. My parents say it was all worth it.

 

[juliasmith]

I have five and hope that the sixth is on the way soon.

Having children has been the most wonderful experience of my life.
Why, you ask.
Because it has been healing for me. To look into the eyes of my own flesh and blood and know that no matter what the world has for me this one loves me.
It is no less than a God given miracle to watch them grow and learn.
Love. That is why I want children. Love.

 

[Salonika]

Bella(name removed by moderator)my, I’m glad you found my reply helpful - it is good to find a kindred spirit/someone similarly wired.

Also I too have been told numerous times that if I had my own children it would be different, I’d want to spend all my time with them. I can’t imagine that is true, and I am very glad I know myself well enough that I don’t fall for that line of thought.

And people often forget that we are being responsible in not having children - what about the effect on a child of a parent (male or female) who is over-challenged in bringing up a child.

I had picked up that your child was Bella an Australian Cattle Dog. When I get home I often say to my two cats (pure moggies) “hello darlings, Mummy’s home”. At other times I refer to them as my brother and sister.

 

[Jacafamala]

Oooh, a baby? All my own? 'tis heaven. They’re warm, and they smell like turkey soup when they’re new. They nurse, they spit up, they fall asleep on your shoulder. All is well.

I thank God for babies. They are completely helpless, yet you look at baby, and you see the image of God.

 

[KenEOTE]

Oooh, a baby? All my own? 'tis heaven. They’re warm, and they smell like turkey soup when they’re new. They nurse, they spit up, they fall asleep on your shoulder. All is well.

I thank God for babies. They are completely helpless, yet you look at baby, and you see the image of God.

Very nicely put… another reason why we need more children… who is going to care for us as we get older if not for our Children?

 

[jmcrae]

Very nicely put… another reason why we need more children… who is going to care for us as we get older if not for our Children?

Good point. And if the dog or cat outlives us, who’s going to inherit it and take good care of it?

 

[Salonika]

KenEOTE:

…another reason why we need more children… who is going to care for us as we get older if not for our Children?

This isn’t a guarantee - children and parents can live on different sides of the world or the country. Some parents and children get on fine seeing a little but often of each other but not being together all the time. Some children would find it diffficult to live with three generations under the same roof - so would some grandparents.

In some situations could be a bit of the previous century idea “you can have your life after I am dead” or one of you children can - you choose which one.

Decisions based on love and ability to care are much more likely to occur and to work out for those involved than those that are imposed.

Also feel there can be shades in this of the selfishness (wanting to be “free”) that we who decided not to have children are accused of here - have children because of what they will/can do later.

jmcrae:

And if the dog or cat outlives us, who’s going to inherit it and take good care of it?

Do what many of us do and have arrangements in our wills making sure that if friends/family cannot take them they will be looked after. I would hope people with children would do the same and not assume there would be a family member who would take them in.

 

[BellasMommy]

Salonika is right!

Having children does NOT provide you will certain caregivers in your old age. In fact, many times, the children do things that are definitely not in their parents’ best interests. I have seen it a hundred times, working in the hospital on the cardiac floor, where patients are very often elderly. My husband has seen even more examples of children not “caring” for their elderly/ailing parents – he is an RN in ICU. Just as often as we see loving families gathering at the bedside, we see people who have children die alone (where are those kids? Not with their dying parent), or kids who want to put their ailing parent in a nursing home so they can sell the house, and we see fierce family infighting where some kids have the best intentions regarding their parents and others just don’t care or haven’t cared for years and are suddenly pretending they do just so they can be in control.

Truly, to have kids and expect them to really be there for you when you are old is kind of naive. It does happen – regularly – but the opposite also occurs, just as often. I have sat at the bedside of a dying woman who was asking for her son, and had to comfort her heartbreak when she learned that he’d been called about her condition and yet was not coming to see her. She died the next day. Alone.

And as far as leaving your animals to your kids? I have done animal rescue, have volunteered in an animal shelter. Guess what I saw all the time? People putting their recently-deceased parents’ animals in the pound because they didn’t have the time/inclination to care for them. I would darn well make sure I knew that the person I was leaving my animals to was actually willing to take them, and not just because they’re my kids and they should do it.

And one last thought – people who do not want to have kids are often accused of being “selfish”, but so many parents have kids for selfish reasons: their name/DNA being carried on, someone to take care of them when they’re old, someone to love them… etc.

All of that said, many people find great joy in babies, and children, and that is really wonderful for them. I find that kind of joy in my Cattle Dog’s brown eyes, the wag of her tail, the distribution of the speckles in her coat… I am goofy in love with my little dog, so I suppose that is probably similar to what you all feel for your kids (and I’m sure there are those of you who gasp at the thought that I could love my dog as much as a mother loves a baby, but I assure you it’s possible. My sister has 4 kids and we laugh all the time at the similarities between me with Bella and she with her youngest daughter, Anna).

Goodnight and God Bless

 

[houston1]

The adoption of my son has been the greatest sacrifice of my life - althought I did not know it at the time! I think that having children makes us less selfish, more Christ-like. Yes, they are a burden and, yes, they may reveal more of our sins. However, God will acknowledge our efforts in raising them. Simply put, you have children to grow in holiness.

God bless,

houston1

 

[KenEOTE]

This isn’t a guarantee - children and parents can live on different sides of the world or the country. Some parents and children get on fine seeing a little but often of each other but not being together all the time. Some children would find it diffficult to live with three generations under the same roof - so would some grandparents.

In some situations could be a bit of the previous century idea “you can have your life after I am dead” or one of you children can - you choose which one.

Decisions based on love and ability to care are much more likely to occur and to work out for those involved than those that are imposed.

Also feel there can be shades in this of the selfishness (wanting to be “free”) that we who decided not to have children are accused of here - have children because of what they will/can do later.

Do what many of us do and have arrangements in our wills making sure that if friends/family cannot take them they will be looked after. I would hope people with children would do the same and not assume there would be a family member who would take them in.

DID I say they would move int with them no. But what happens to the person who has not loved ones to care for them? They are placed into the states care. I would rather my children be able to say where I should be placed if I was in a state in which I could not decide for myself. We see how great government does at taking care of things. I have 3 children… they also will one day be part of the work force to help keep social security around. I believe if you want to take out of social security when you get older you should have someone taking your place in the workforce. With 3 children I know my chances are greater that at least 1 of them will care about my interest. If you raise them right and with the word of God, and trust in Him to work in their hearts they will do the right thing. You can’t say that about Government. Government has not heart.

Also You then become a burden upon society… if we move to a universal health care type of system, how long do you think society will want to take care of such a burden?

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I was thinking about this other day and for whatever reason, I just don’t get it. For the record, I don’t really value personal relationships and don’t feel like I need them so I’m sure that’s not helping me understand. I was reading some information that said that the cost to raise children and put them through college will cost around $400,000 per child and it’s only going to go up. Do some people have kids because they want to get married and birth control is against church teaching? What advantage do kids bring to the parents’ life that help offset the immense burden (financial/emotional/etc) that raising kids requires?

Yikes.

I guess if you only see children as a financial burden you might be better off without them.

 

[marietta]

I have one daughter, age 21, who lives alone in Texas. She was born there and chose to remain there when I moved back to my native Virginia.

Her father is an alcoholic, as am I. Although I have 24 years of continuous sobriety, I also struggle daily with the barely-manageable condition called bi-polar disorder. There are people on this forum who would tell you that bi-polar disorder, like alcoholism, is just a matter of a weak will, but I guarantee you it is a biochemical disorder of the brain which causes havoc, wreckage and misery for a lifetime. I have been on medication for 20 years to try to level out the highs and lows.

I wanted to have a child because I needed to have the experience of pregnancy, natural birth and child-rearing. I had always been interested in child development, having studied it in school, but I hardly ever did any baby-sitting as a teenager. I was drawn to the freedom of the child’s mind, the non-encumbrance of worries and cares. I anticipated the adventure with great enthusiasm, awe and reverence.

By the time I went into labor I knew I would be raising the child by myself. When she was 15 month old I filed for divorce from her father and have never regretted it. As it turns out, my daughter also has some very serious mental and emotional problems, as well as severe physical difficulties which actually brought us together rather than tore us apart, in spite of the fact that I was at wits’ end with every successive medical situation and thought I would lose my mind.

Today my daughter is the most remarkable person I know. She still has problems, some of which are considerable. She is working to overcome her fears and find the willingness to embrace her world rather than recoil from it. As her mother I can give guidance but I cannot stand over her and protect her as I did when she was 2 and 10 and 16. She’s a stand-alone unit now, but she will always be my remarkable, beautiful, funny, exceptionally bright daughter, who said to me at age 18 months: "Momma, look at Maryann’s Christmas tree! Isn’t it splendid?**"

Parenthood is not always what one anticipates. Every October, “Dear Abby” prints the following piece, which states the experience very clearly. This has been my experience. Hope you enjoy it:

"Welcome To Holland
by Emily Perl Kingsley
©1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved. Article printed with permission of the author.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away…because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland."

---

marietta

 

[Salonika]

KenEOTE:

DID I say they would move int with them no.

To me “care for” and “care about” are different things - so when you used “care for” I thought that “looking after” was at least on the agenda.

Also in the context of your reply isn’t having the elderly move in with their family a way to reduce the “burden” of aged care on the government?

But what happens to the person who has not loved ones to care for them?

It would be very sad if someone did not have some “loved ones” as to me, loved ones includes siblings, cousins and close friends. Of course, if you were long lived you might outlast your loved ones and the having of siblings and cousins is not somethnig within the individual’s control.

I believe if you want to take out of social security when you get older you should have someone taking your place in the workforce.

Those without someone to take their place in the workforce will usually to have contributed by taxation to services they have never used - education of children, health services for children.

What about those who were unable to have children - who never had the opportunity to get married (eg never asked), who were married but were not able to have children?

Also You then become a burden upon society… if we move to a universal health care type of system, how long do you think society will want to take care of such a burden?

I think a society should be judged on how it treats it most vulnerable and this includes children, the elderly, especially the frail elderly and those with disabilities.

As well as being “a burden” for the government caring for the elderly does add to the economy eg by providing employment.

 

[KenEOTE]

To me “care for” and “care about” are different things - so when you used “care for” I thought that “looking after” was at least on the agenda.

Also in the context of your reply isn’t having the elderly move in with their family a way to reduce the “burden” of aged care on the government?

Actually no there are plenty of private care facilities for the elderly. My Grand Parents live at one. Their Children make sure that they are taken care of and in a State they want to be in.

The OP views Children as a burden anyone like that should not have kids. They wanted to know why anyone would want them. I stated they bring more joy then burden and bring more love then a cat or Dog can give. For a cat and dog is not capable of real love. Yes they show affection but please do not equate human emotions with an animal.

 

[BellasMommy]

I stated they bring more joy then burden and bring more love then a cat or Dog can give. For a cat and dog is not capable of real love. Yes they show affection but please do not equate human emotions with an animal.

Oh jeez, give me a break. Animals do feel the same emotions we do – emotions are very, very primitive. Do some research on what science has to say about non-human animal emotion/cognition. These scientists have gotten down to the nitty-gritty studying this stuff, going as far as measuring the brain’s chemistry and function and comparing these things in animals and in people. And guess what they found? Emotions are wildly primitive, most all animals are displaying the exact same things we are emotionally. The most primitive parts of the brain light up like a Christmas tree in response to emotional stimuli, in animals as well as humans. Where you see a big difference is when you get to “higher thinking”, which is our big, convoluted frontal cortex, something that the animals do not share with us. But bonding emotions like love? It’s all there in them no different than in us – same chemicals, same brain activity, same observable emotional response. But please, don’t just take my word for it – look it up! Seriously, do look it up. It’s fascinating stuff.

God Bless