Those of you in multi-faith marriages. .

[brotherinsearch]

I am a catholic raised man married to a lutheran raised woman and she wan’t practicing her faith when we met. She started going to mass with me (I asked) and we were married at my home church. We have differences and I wanted to hear how some of you in here have resolved those differences. Like, for example, my mother and father were both raised catholic and go to church together and such. My mom isn’t against abortion and my father is. So they just don’t talk about it. That is hard for me to deal with. But they were married young. Anyways… it seems difficult to sway people’s alignments on parts of their faith. I know all things are possible in the eyes of the lord and that Jesus’ two commandments are most important. Like my wife wants to take communion but hates that lutherans are not supposed to take communion so she would have to become catholic. Stuff like that stinks to deal with because I see both sides and it’s tough. I tell her that why not convert and she says she isn’t 100% with all of the catholic teachings. Anyone else in this boat?

 

[Phemie]

DH went to Church with us when the kids were little and I needed him there to ride herd while I read or was EMHC. He was there for all special occasions and learned prayers in a second language so that he could help the children with bedtime prayers if I was busy elsewhere. But as a rule, he didn’t go to his own church unless he went home for Christmas or Easter, then he went with his parents. Never once did I ever mention coming into full communion with the Catholic Church. I just figured I’d rather he not practice his own religion than not practice a religion I’d talked him into.

Two years ago he happened to come to the church to help me decorate for Christmas and heard the choir rehearsing for Midnight Mass. He wandered over and started to sing harmony. Choir was very surprised to hear someone do that without a hymnal (our choir is obviously not a well trained group and nobody has any formal music education) and invited him to join them. The organist’s daughter was home at that time and joined them too. The two of them ended up singing O Holy Night.

He was invited to join the choir again at Easter and again last Christmas. Since then he’s been going to Mass to sing in the choir almost every Sunday. About a month ago I was heading to the anticipated Mass and he was cooking supper when he said,

“I wish I’d planned to go to Mass tonight so I could watch the race tomorrow.”

“Er, I thought you only went to Mass so you could sing in the choir??”

“Well, sometimes you start doing something for a reason and then something else happens.”

I was very surprised and am now waiting to see if anything will develop from that.

 

[sydney28]

Another thread got me thinking. . .

Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage?
Yes
What did you do to make it work?
Nothing specific. I go to Mass every week and sometimes he comes with me.
What happened when it didn’t work?
We’ve had lots of arguments regarding religion and I am actually very worried about how it will affect our future children. My husband seemed a lot more interested in the Catholic faith when we were dating. Since being married he seems to have lost interest
Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all?
He has not converted. He went through RCIA while we were dating to “learn” about the Catholic church.
And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?
Our children will be raised Catholic. That has never been disputed, thankfully.

I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .
It is, and I’d never ever recommend anyone who is deeply devoted to their Catholic faith to marry someone who isn’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage?

Yes. My husband was baptized in a non-denominational church, but not given much in the way of an education and didn’t go to church regularly (but there is a long story there).

What did you do to make it work?

He values my faith and supports it (even when I haven’t!) because he sees that I am not myself without it. He makes sacrifices so that I can attend Mass and have time for prayer. I don’t expect him to convert until it is what he sees to be the truth. I know too many people who felt forced to convert and resent it. That doesn’t work. It has to be a free choice.

The truth is, we make it work the same way that we make everything else in our marriage work. Everything we do, we do. His job is what we do. My work at home is what we do. My Catholic faith is what we do. And before we ever got married, we had talked and talked and talked about what we were going to do and what our priorities were going to be. Sometimes, that involved some compromises–which sometimes includes accomodation of the truly non-negotiables–but they were compromises we came to. After we got married, we kept talking. That I and the kids would be Catholic was just the start of it. It is pretty difficult to have a real marriage without that.

Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all? And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?.

He agreed before we married that we would raise our kids Catholic, and he has been as good as his word. He does not say “The Church believes that is the Body and Blood of Christ” or “Your mom believes that is the Body and Blood of Christ”. He says to them “That is the Body and Blood of Christ”. He doesn’t agree with everything the Church teaches, but he lives with the reality that we’ll be teaching the kids everything the Church teaches. (Might I add that that kind of fidelity is not easy to come by, even from other Catholics!) It is that way with some other things, though, too: what *we *decide we’re going to teach them, that’s what they get.

I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .

On one hand, yes, it is difficult to have something that is so important to me and yet something he doesn’t “get.” Still, every marriage has its difficulties. Sometimes I think it would be far harder to be married to someone who was Catholic, but who did not want to be serious about it and thought it silly that I was serious about it. I had Catholic boyfriends like that, including one who got a Catholic education through high school.

We’ve been married nearly 20 years, I would love to share the faith with him, it really was a difficult decision to decide to marry a non-Catholic, but I can’t imagine being married to someone else.

There are very, very few non-Catholics who are willing to be as supportive of the Catholic faith as my husband has been, but everyone is different. If you don’t want to marry someone who is non-Catholic, though, don’t date someone who is non-Catholic. If you want a serious Catholic for a spouse, date serious Catholics. DO NOT MARRY A “FIXER-UPPER”. It isn’t fair to them and it is no fair to yourself, because sooner or later you’re either going to resent them for not becoming what you expect or reject them for not being what you wished they were. All marriages should be entered into on an “as is…if not worse” basis. If things turn out better than past behavior would have indicated, well, thank heavens, but that isn’t the way to bet.

If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t have gotten within a country mile of the Catholic boyfriends who were just “sort of” Catholic. It is much easier to explain that “Dad doesn’t go to confession (go to Communion, know this or that about the faith, and so on) because he’s not Catholic” than “Why doesn’t Dad do that? Well, you’d have to ask Dad.” As for not getting close to a non-Catholic…well, again, I can’t imagine not being married to the one I married. Maybe I wouldn’t get within a country mile of anyone else who wasn’t Catholic! Seriously, though, it does happen like that sometimes. Life can surprise you.

Also: my husband’s family is also supportive of our living the faith. Not having that can pose extreme difficulties, as well.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

**Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage? **
Yes.

What did you do to make it work?
Nothing special. It’s not an issue for us. I don’t mind going to Mass by myself.

What happened when it didn’t work?
n/a

Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all?
No, but he will go to Mass with me when on vacations. He doesn’t really practice anything. His mother is a non-practicing Baptist and married (after a divorce) his (step) father who is Catholic. My hubby just considers himself “Christian.”

And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?
We are working on Children, but they will be raised Catholic and go to a Catholic school.

I think that in our case, it’s who ever cared more… He doesn’t mind either way how children will be raised, and I do, so Catholic it is. That’s sort of how a lot of decisions are made. If you want to eat out and one doesn’t have a preference on which restaurant, and one does, then go to the restaurant where the person has the preference.

I also feel very strongly about NOT pushing my religion on my husband. If he did the same to me, I would be furious. I do not like when Baptists (not that he’s Baptist) try to convert me (I live in the South), and wouldn’t do that to anyone else.

I don’t hid my religion either. I have my nightstand with my Rosaries, prayer cards, statues, etc… He has motor cycle magazines on his

I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .
Not hard at all. Respect in a marriage is important and if you both respect each other, then it’s not hard at all.

 

[GhostMan]

** Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage? **

I am in an interfaith marriage.

** What did you do to make it work? **

Work? It “works” only because I have redefined my expectations of what marriage is. Prior to my wife’s leaving the True Faith, I would have said we had a world-class marriage. Neither of us was perfect, but we were accepting and content. Life was good. I miss those days more than I can say.

** What happened when it didn’t work? **

There was a period of time when I considered that I would have to move out when the last of the children turned 18. The pain and torment that her conversion caused was too much to bear – or, so I thought. I have since come to a more calm understanding and am resolved to stay together. I pray for her and offer sacrificial things to God for her return to the faith. I say our marriage came within an inch of dissolving.

** Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all? **

My wife left the True Faith and pursued a man-based denomination where emotion and feeling are more valued than sound doctrine and teaching. She rejected the Truth, in my opinion, because of the lure of the trappings of her new faith. Her old faith was simply too hard for her to bear and she needed a simpler one, one that does not require its members to think. That being said, at least it is a Christian denomination; I do not fear for her soul, just her sanctification.

** And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?**

She has agreed to stand by the promises we made when the children were baptized. None of the children attend church with her and she comes with us each week so the family is together. I do think this is a big gesture on her part and it has helped ease the pain of the entire experience.

** I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .**

More than I can express. When she rejected the Truth, she also rejected me and – to some extent – her children. Her conversion was ugly; many lies, secrets and deceits along with her withdrawing from the family for an extended period. In truth, it was the conversion more than the fact that she is no longer practicing the True Faith that made it hard for me. Our twenty-plus year marriage was barely able to stand the strain – at least on my part. Every time she goes off to worship by herself, I feel like a bit more of me dies. I failed at being her spiritual leader; I failed at being the husband who helped her in her journey toward heaven. I was not man enough for her in these areas and she sought a different man to be her spiritual leader. He had invaded our life in so many ways and stolen much of that which was due me from her. He may not own her physically, but he seems to own her emotionally.

I am not a perfect man – far from it. I have so many faults it would take pages to list them, but the one thing I was good at was being a good husband. My first thought was her, my last prayer was a prayer of thanks for having her as my wife. My day began when I returned home from work to see her; I loved nothing more than doing things to surprise her, please her, make her smile. Her eye-smile was enough to undo me. All these things perished in her journey. I was collateral damage and I have not been able to muster the emotional energy to be what I was. I love her, but I used to adore her. I like her, but I used to want to be with her over any person on earth.

I have had to remake myself in the wake of her anger, accusations, lies and secrets. I gave up my hobbies, gave up my exercise, gave up in general for two years. Only recently have I learned how to do some of these things again. Now, however, my motivations have changed. Where I used to do things with her as my inspiration, I am having to learn to do things for my own purposes. I no longer work out wanted to impress her. I no longer write novels that are designed to appeal specifically to her. I no longer spend my day looking for ways to impress her. It is sad; my life seems much emptier. I lost all emotional connection to anyone for over a year. My body developed involuntary twitches. I was even examined to see if I had Parkinson’s disease, the conditions were so noticeable. It turned out that it was just stress related to being rejected, emotionally abused and spiritually tormented.

I am learning to live again, but I am not the man I was. I am not the husband I was. I think, perhaps, that I am a better father now at least. I have had to do a lot for my children that she used to do.

In short, it stinks. Run from it.

 

[Anne1964]

**Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage? **
Yes.

**What did you do to make it work? **
I had been away from the Church for many years when we were married. When, three years into our marriage, I told my husband I wanted to return to the Church he was unhappy about it, but agreed to have our marriage convalidated because he knew it was what I wanted.

I tried to explain to him what my faith means to me. I tried to keep things low-key at home, although according to my husband I failed in that.

**What happened when it didn’t work? **
It’s not working now. My husband hates the fact that I go to Mass every Sunday and he has asked me on occasion to skip a Sunday Mass, which I did once and made myself miserably unhappy. He absolutely refuses to discuss the possibility of Mass when we are out of town, so I end up missing Mass several times a year when we travel.

He is quite hostile to the whole idea of organized religion and no matter how many times we discuss it, we never solve anything. We avoid discussing religion with each other whenever possible. He has said he doesn’t want to know how much time I spend at church, so I don’t tell him anymore.

He feels very threatened by my faith and he feels like I have rejected him. He has stated several times that he regrets agreeing to the convalidation.

I try to not to have a lot of religious things out in the open at home. He complained about the crucifix on my nightstand table. He isn’t happy that I read religious books.

Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all?
No, my husband is Jewish, but he has not practiced his faith in many years. He did at one point suggest that the two of us find a faith we could agree on and both convert to that. I refused. I have offered repeatedly to go to a synagogue with him so he could teach me about his religion, but he doesn’t want to do that.

And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?
We have no biological children, but are raising my husband’s niece. My husband has made it very clear he does not want me discussing Catholicism with her. Her grandparents consider her to be Jewish, but as far as I know, she has never been to a synagogue.

I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .
Yes it is, and our marriage has been disentegrating for the two years that I have been back in the Church. We both have our doubts as to whether it will survive. We love each other, and before I returned to the Church we both thought our marriage was pretty solid. We used to have a lot of fun together and we still have so much in common with each other.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage?
Again, I am in an interfaith marriage with a Baptist-raised Agnostic. Although I think he may now be Atheist.

What did you do to make it work?
We don’t talk about religion. I end up crying. It’s hard, because it is a part of me.

What happened when it didn’t work?
When my daughter isn’t here, and sometimes even when she is, I don’t attend Church. It’s hard to go by myself, and I feel myself slipping.
He doesn’t understand his role as spiritual leader of the family. He doesn’t agree that our role as husband and wife is to help each other get to Heaven. He questions have more children. He doesn’t understand my desire to homeschool our children in the One True Faith and attend a solid and Orthodox parish.
**
Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all?**
Heavens no. I would never leave the Church. I did it once, and I will never do it again. I may slip, but I AM Catholic through and through.
I do not push it on him, although I joke about his converting. I haven’t done that in a long time. I still remember his grandfather saying that DH’s conversion to Catholicism would kill his mom.
**
And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?**
The will be raised Catholic. I put my foot down. I will not have him telling them the “religion is the opiate of the masses” garbage that he seems to believe.
**
I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .**
It hurts my heart and my soul.

 

[CountryMom27]

**Are you or were you in a multi-faith (or interfaith) marriage? **
Yes.

**What did you do to make it work? **
We spent a lot of time when we were dating and then engaged discussing our faith and the similarities in our religions. I was Protestant, he’s Catholic. We also went through premarital counseling in both churches.

**What happened when it didn’t work? **
I don’t know. We’ve been married nine years, and it’s always worked

**Did either you or your spouse convert to the other spouse’s faith practice, or another faith practice entirely, or no faith practice at all? **
Yes, I later converted but that wasn’t our intention. Neither of us felt that we could ask the other to give up his/her religion. We celebrated the fact that we were both strong Christians, that we read the same Bible, and believe the same moral and ethical code. We intended to both stay active in our respective churches. I would go to worship sometimes on my own; he would go to Mass by himself and then sometimes join me afterward.

I started researching Catholicism to teach our oldest son when he was 2. The more I studied and prayed, the more I felt called to the Church. I met with our local priest, started attending Mass with DH, and after a few discussions with the priest, I joined the Church and was confirmed. Because I was an active, baptized and confirmed Christian, I did not have to go through RCIA.

And how did you agree to raise your children (if any)?
We agreed to decide later. When we were in Italy and decided to start a family, I was struck by how much being Italian was being Catholic, and vice-versa (DH is 2nd gen Italian). I wanted that for my kids. So we agreed to raise them Catholic.

I was just wondering; it has to be extremely hard, I’d imagine. . .
I agree with the others, it has not been hard at all. Even if I hadn’t converted, or we had decided to raise the children Protestant, it wouldn’t have changed anything in our marriage. I will say that now that we are all actively practicing Catholicism, it gives us yet another thing that we do and share together. And I still bring my Protestant tradition to various things. For example, I love the traditional hymns I grew up with, and the lack of a strong music program has been one of my disappointments with our parish.

So I sing and play hymns with our kids. Everything from “Jesus Loves Me” and “Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee” to “Here I Am, Lord.” I’m probably more active in our faith right now than DH because I’m still learning - I’m reading the Bible (currently on the Old Testament), I pray with the boys, I attend Confession, I’m active in the parish, and I’m here…

The only struggle we have, or I have, is that I’m not as “hard core” as some of the people here. There are a few teachings of the Church that DH and I disagree with. And we don’t believe that other Christian churches are heresy. Learning to reconcile that is new for me. Thankfully DH and I are in sync on our beliefs, with the exception of birth control.

I disagree with those who say that you should try to convince a spouse to convert. Faith and religion are a deeply personal thing. The relationship you have with God transcends all churches, and that should always be first in our hearts. That said, I could not have married someone who was not an active Christian. I dated men who were Jews, and even one who was an agnostic. As much as I had cared for them, I could not consider having a serious relationship with them.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I just wanted to say that I feel a bit bad about the tone that I said my previous statements in, but I guess it stems from disagreements that I have with a nondenominational friend, and I feel bitter about these disagreements because she is attempting to evangelize me and I just don’t like it. She thinks most Catholics are not Christians and I take offense to that, and that is the root of my previous post.

But what does that have to do with inter-faith marriages? Obviously it would be a bad idea to marry someone who might try to sway you from your church. Likewise, it would be bad for them in their eyes as well, if you did the same. EVERY religion thinks it’s the RIGHT religion, so sometimes it’s okay to just agree to disagree.