Those of you married 20 + years, what were the hardest years of marriage for you?

[LongingSoul]

At the end of the night we curl into each other to fall asleep. Every night. It’s enough. We don’t need to talk everything out all night long. But we do need to have contact - it says I love you, this is tough - but we’re going to pull through it together.

That brought tears to my eyes. We’ve been married nearly 26 years and it’s been consistently difficult for me since my husband hates affection and there is very little intimacy. The children in turns, have been hard work in each of the phases. At the moment it is my 21 year olds turn to cause huge worries and the other 2 are happy, self sufficient pretty much and fun to be with. The difficulties with the kids were never soul destroying though. You live in hope for them and that seems sooth me at all times.

In my circumstances, these last few years have been the hardest of the marriage as even though I’ve accepted those difficulties a long time ago… I have that midlife grief of knowing this really is it. There probably isn’t going to be any miraculous event that will turn it into something wonderful. The positive side of that though I suspect I’ll look back on later, is that it has specifically led me to deepen my relationship with God through the Spiritual exercises and continued spiritual direction. Suffering is good for the soul. sigh

 

[Joannm]

We are married for 36 years. The hardest were when our kids were teens. That period seemed to go on for longer than the 13 years I had teenagers in the house.

 

[gardenswithkids]

It seems toughest when there are other stresses going on in life. The adjustments to married life were tough the first year and a half. We both had multiple life changes happening that year: new marriage, new home, new jobs, new baby–plus money was tight and our baby didn’t exactly have an easy-going personality. No real difficulties after number baby number two. It was tough again when we had several very young children close together. The teen years we’ve experience thus far were only bad when we were stressing about the teen’s behavior. And again, for us it seemed worst when the first child went through a stage–maybe because we didn’t know how it would all turn out so we worried and stressed more.

Yes, I can definitely say the hardest years were the most stressful years. Not necessarily the years when we experienced the most difficulties in life, just the years that we stressed the most over things. Sometimes stressing over the little things is far worse than handling the big stuff.

 

[Nan7399]

I’ve been married almost 50 years. Every single year has had something hard to deal with. I think some of us get married for the wrong reasons and being Catholic there is no way out. Some of us should not marry, but we are not taught to “know thyself” first. Pray always and God will help.

 

[Phemie]

The first year, by far.

We had been dating for 3 years and engaged for 2 but those engaged years were spent apart. We saw each other for a total of 30 days in those 2 years, a weekend here, a weekend there. Meanwhile he was being taken apart and put back together the way the military wanted him and taught never to question an order and I was becoming a nurse and being taught never to do something unless I knew why.

I quickly realized that the man I had married was not the same man I’d seen leave for basic training and I wasn’t the same woman who’d waved goodbye to him that day. We had to get to know each other all over again and it wasn’t easy. It’s getting easier after 38 years.

 

[maryjk]

I think there is a difference in the relationship between my wife and I and the “work” we are doing together.

Things can be falling apart around us, and the work is hard, but if we are connected and close in our marriage, the hardness of the task doesn’t really matter. The times that are bad is when the the work is hard and we drift apart, doing our tasks and not taking the time to reconnect over coffee or whatever.

I was thinking the same thing.

Marriage for us hasn’t been hard. Life is hard. But being together has made it easier.

I think most people are posting about the hardness of the work. For us, the little kids were the hardest. Teens are easier, until they go college - then the money pressures can come into play.

For us, the last couple of years has been the hardest. Hard life, not hard for our marriage. My parents both died and I was diagnosed with a chronic illness. Just getting out of bed was hard.

But, seriously, if you are together, operating as a team, you can get through anything.

I couldn’t have imagined facing all of that without my husband. Getting out of bed wouldn’t have been an option.

Oh, and we have been married for 22 years.