Those Whacky Confession Habits - Laity and Priestly Comments Welcome

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Lux_et_veritas

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If there are any priests lurking, please join in and give your opinions on the subject. I’m curious how the clergy feel about these things I think many of us do (or at least, “all those other people.”

I’ve been thinking alot about confession lately. Maybe it is because I kind of lapsed away to some extent without realizing I had done so. I finally went to confession after 2 years, and it has thrust me into one of the greatest conversions of my life. I’ve been in a retreat like state, finding that the Lord is holding my hand and showing me all the things I must change.

As I look back, I am finding many things I should have been doing different and I couldn’t help thinking about my confession habits. I want to compare thoughts with anyone else who is willing to take an honest look at this issue with regards to themselves.

CONFESSION "THEN"
  • I’m guilty of “priest-shopping” - hoping I’d be lucky and get one that would help me to excuse away my behavior and choices.
  • I hid behind the screen so he wouldn’t see it was me .
  • I didn’t want to go back to the same priest if it had been less than several months since I confessed the same embarrasing sin, so this meant I had to go shopping again.

    CONFESSION NOW:
  • I’m shopping for a priest again. But, this time I’m shopping for one who will be my confessor for the long term. The criteria is quite high: He must be willing to ask me the hard questions and tell me the things I don’t want to hear.
  • Face to face, baby! Because I don’t want to hide from him, I want him to know who I am and I want him to know how committed I am to pleasing the Lord. He can help me better if he knows who I am.
  • I’m willing to bet that there isn’t anything we can tell a veteran priest that he hasn’t already heard in confession - a hundred times.
Commenting more on the latter: It doesn’t matter how embarassing it is, he’s heard it from others and chances are, the most embarassing, are most likely the most common especially where sins of passion are involved because the sexual apetite has got to be the hardest to tame. I’m also willing to bet that most people have something that is ultra-challenging and their most frequent downfall. I feel if I’m serious about correcting my actions, then it would help the priest to know that I’m struggling where he can give me advice and ideas to combat the problem. I can also tell you that just the thought of going back to the same priest, is already functioning as a deterrent.

If you have an ailment and keep switching doctors, how can the doctor really know what is going on so that he can help you? Well, that’s my two cents. Comments from the laity? Comments from the clergy?
Code: 
      I'd love to hear your experiences if you have switched as I am doing now.  

 Mea Culpa!
 
I’ve been going to confession regulary since I was 8 and i’m still nervous about it. In fact, I would purposely not mention the really bad sins until I learned that it’s wrong to have a “bad confession” and then go to communion.

So now, I say it all but I speedily blurt out the embarrssing ones hoping the Priest doesn’t say, “what?” Luckily he never does.

Also, I have a Catholic Prayer book that has you examine your conscience before confession and boy oh boy - so many things are sins! I learned that going past the speed limit is a sin because you are disobeying laws that could be harmful or hurt yourself or someone else. It has really helped me be a better person and be open about all my sins.

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I love you, save souls.”
 
And, that is an honest answer. Many people feel that way, and so do I. But, I’m going to try it differently and just see what happens. If I’m not satisfied, I may need to go hide in another state :banghead:
 
Oh, and I should probably mention why I made the changes for anyone wondering.

I think the pattern of “shopping” in my case, led to a pattern of denial. As I progressed further downhill, unable to beat my particular challenge, I began to lose hope. What I didn’t see was that in order to fix the surface issue, I needed to dig a little deeper. I have finally dug deeper and have found many things that were not right structurally. Too bad it took 15 years, the passing of one pope and the rise of another for me to do that digging. Knowing my own little details, I look back and believe there is a good chance a priest would have pointed out some things to me. However, because I kept hopping around, and not telling any new priest about my particular challenge, all he could really do was offer absolution. That is good, but it is even better if it can come with some honest advice - the kind we don’t always like to hear.

I suppose it would be better to fear God, than to fear the priest and to fear our immorality, more than simply being honest about things we have difficulty with. By fearing God, I mean fearing in the way that a small child fears a parent, not because of anticipated punishment, but of having offended the Father.

Anyway, that is the story behind the change. 👋
 
I originally missed the Confession portion of my RCIA and was still confirmed! Of course, I confessed later…

I’ve stumbled through confession, often with lists. I primarily did face-to-face in the past, but it really doesn’t make a difference to me. My biggest problem was avoidance. It was very easy to be too busy to make the confession times at my local parish.

I occasionally attend a parish that offers confession before every Mass now. This is great because it takes away my excuses!

If you want something great to listen to on Confession, go to this site and pick up a free CD of Fr. Larry Richards…

catholicity.com/maryfoundation/confession.html

God Bless,

Robert
 
My biggest problem was avoidance. It was very easy to be too busy to make the confession times at my local parish.
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I’ll say. I forgot about that one. I know how many times I was going to go, and something else came up.
 
I used to always go behind the screen, but recently I’ve been going face to face.

But if there’s something I really struggle with confessing, I go behind the screen because I’m afraid my pride will prevent me from coming clean.

I know and love all the priests in my church so I have to admit pride does get in my way…and I’m constantly struggling with and confessing that particular flaw! (Isn’t it the basis for so many sins?)

Anyway, I’d rather I go behind the screen than fail to say what I need to say…the graces are the same, and really, it’s Jesus we’re talking to and he already knows.

Once when I was really struggling, I happened to look up while I was in line and found myself staring directly at the Blessed Sacrament. The words in my heart from Jesus were, “Don’t worry about what you have to say, don’t put up any fronts. I already know you, love you and in spite of whatever you’ve done if you come to me with your contrite heart I will forgive you.”

Of course on that occassion I ended up going face to face (Jesus told me to…it was the first time face to face since I was a child) and I ended up with a wonderful blessing from the priest. (He is now my SD).
 
very good point about confession then and now, especially priest shopping, in my early married life in the 70s it was the fashion to shop for a priest who would tell you to follow your own conscience about ABC and every parish women’s group could tell you where to go for an easy confession.

my most disconcerting confession experience was at a retreat at a new parish, where the priest told us to examine our conscience (during the penance service), find one word that encompassed our gravest sins, and simply tell him that one word. That was an exercise in concise verbal expression, believe me. What did surprise me was I thought he was trying to speed up the process. Actually his response was very helpful. In response to that one “sin” word, he gave one “virtue” word for the virtue that is the opposite of that sin, gave a scripture reading for penance based on that virtue and advised to make a real effort to practice that virtue.
 
Thanks for this thread.

Personally I have never “:shopped”: for an “:easy”: Priest. I do avoid the young priests - I want an older Priest.

Another “want” , Since 3 to 4 years ago I prefer face-to-face. Our parish is so big the priests dont know many of us. That doesnt matter to me. When I meet Jesus He will know me -right?

I think my one complaint is (Cestues are yyou listening?) as of maybe ten years ago the priests seem to be in a hurry to finish. If I confess two sins he asks is that all, and says I am going to give you aa General Absolution. I dont ever have time to say an Act of Cintrition like we used to so I do that before or after confession now. Thirty years ago the priest would ask pertinate questions and actually give some advice, not now.
 
As a priest who spends a good bit of time in the confessional, here’s my advice;
  1. If you’re feeling particularly uncomfortable, especially with the “what will he think of me” thing that is easy for us all to think when we ho, remember that we priests know what it is like to struggle in confession. We know the shame, the sense of unworthiness and the feeling of repulsion for sins. Any priest worth his salt will be gentle, especially if he is aware of the difficulties the penitent may be having. We understand! A good confessor is one who himself has frequent recourse to the sacrament.
  2. If you have problems in certain areas, especially ones that keep on coming back, my advice is to confess the most difficult ones first. It is easy to mention the small things in the hope that it’ll make it easier to mention the big ones. I find when I go to confession myself that it is easier if I mention the more difficult ones first.
  3. Remember that you have done a wonderful thing in coming to receive the sacrament. Remember that the angels in heaven rejoice when someone calls upon to the mercy of God. People are praying for you and with you.
  4. Something to remember. A wise old priest once said to me that a good confession is like a cold shower - you may feel uncomfortable when you go in, but you can feel great when you come out!
  5. For those who struggle with one particular problem, it can be disheartening to have to come back again and again. Try not to be discuraged. We all fall, Our Lord raises us up agian and again. Remember the words of the Lord, “Come to me, all who labour and are burdened, and I will give you rest.” Also, not seven times, but seventy times seven. The mercy of the Lord is infinite, call on Him and know His grace.
We’re all plodding along on the great pilgrimage of life. We’re all in via in this life, so it is important to remember that we’re never alone.

God bless,
Fr Matt
 
Oh what a fantastic thread!

I have been back in the Church for two and a half months now and I think I’ve been to confession more in the past ten weeks than I did as a child! (I was “gone” for almost 20 years!)

I asked the priest who heard my first confession in twenty years to be my regular confessor and while I’m still very shaky and nervous before confession, I really appreciate the accountability that face-to-face confession provides.

My struggle is that once I got through the big stuff from the past (and it took me long enough to let it go!) I find that I want to believe that once I confess something - I truly am working to amend my life and I become more aware of it as I go through each day. I feel absolutely terrible if I must confess the same sin (or type of sin) again and again. I suppose I see then where my greatest weaknesses are. So while I am sometimes paying attention to my actions - I find that I think I can move on - it’s sort of like: “Well, confessed that one, that shouldn’t be a problem anymore. Let’s see… what else am I doing wrong?” As if because I confessed it, it won’t come up again! I hope I explained that clearly - it’s hard to describe!

I am also struggling with the understanding of offending God through sin. I feel that currently, I try to avoid sin so I don’t have to confess it - rather than avoiding sin because it offends God. Or - I focus so much on what I’m doing wrong that I do not focus on what I should be doing right.

Anyway - I’m right there with you - digging deeper.

=)
Kat
 
Thank you all for your replies, and to Fr. Matt for giving us the perspective from the other side

👍

I hope to continue this dialogue so we can all discover the many ways this sacrament can help us.

I’ve learned more in recent days and that is that God too is very gentle in how he helps us to see our sinfulness. I’ve been going through a conversion on a grand scale and never saw it coming. But he’s been taking me by the hand in babysteps, showing me some, then pausing, then showing me more, and pausing.

8 weeks ago, I would told someone they were nuts if they told me I would be sitting face to face, and requesting questions, wanting to hear something that maybe I didn’t want to before, and maybe even a bit of tough love if necessary.

I know myself and I know I actually twisted some of the words that a priest gave me in order to justify not fighting the temptations I had when they came back later. This is why I’m seeking out a priest who won’t give me the wiggle room I felt was so detrimental for so many years. The priests meant well, but sometimes we need someone to take a firm stand and when it is done with love and compassion, it always comes across as gentle.

:tiphat:
 
I just thought of a question: Is it wrong to not acknowledge that the sin you confess is a habit or addiction?
 
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Exporter:
Thanks for this thread.

Personally I have never “:shopped”: for an “:easy”: Priest. I do avoid the young priests - I want an older Priest.
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It’s funny you should mention this because the priest that I am asking to be my confessor happens to be in his 50’s and runs a more traditional church, including a Latin mass. He was recommended by someone.

I knew when I heard the words “traditional” I felt that there was a better chance that he would not let me wiggle my way out of accepting responsibility, something I feel was instrumental in my long standing downfall. I don’t want a priest to treat me as a “victim” of any circumstance because I know in my heart, that there is nothing I’m engaged in, even a seemingly unbreakable habit, that cannot be cured with prayer, practice of virtue, and learning to say “no” when I’m on the lower rungs of the ladder of temptation.

I think that I have a distrust for what some seminaries may have taught priests basically making it sound like we can excuse away most anything. While I do believe there are cases that can be truly mitigated by things such as mental illness, or other things happening in the person’s life, I feel that “mitigating circumstances” was taken to an extreme. The vast majority of us are more culpable than we would like to believe and that is the first step - to recognize “I did this, and I did it of my own free will with full knowledge that it was wrong”.

I guess what I’m saying is that I now believe that in order to follow Truth, I need to look at my sinfulness as more of a black and white, than the many shades of grey that I was seeing. I believe this goes to the relativism Pope Benedict, then Cardinal Ratzinger, spoke of. Too many winds of doctrine, including the “everyone else is doing it doctrine”, the “my computer made me do it” doctrine, and the “I can bend my compass needle in any direction I want and call it North” doctrine.

North is North and we cannot go in any other direction and call it North.
 
down under in australia the first form of the rite is not used that often but the second form of the rite is very popular in advent & lent

ie communal reconciliation and then one-to-one with the priest

I usually go 3 times a year advent, lent and one other time
 
I use to do the same - just 3-4 times yearly, but I’m sensing that I could benefit from going more often, at least monthly. Once we get to the point of less and less serious sin, then I figure it’s time to work on matters of virtue.
 
hi lux…

I know your problem with confession… especially it’s been long time since the last one and also sins of sexual nature?

I myself have not benn to confession for the last 10 yrs or so… until recently I been stuck with some calamities at home… and also seen Pope JP II death really struck me… Imagine seeing the beautiful catholic funeral mass of JP II, urging me to go back to church… Somehow the spirit of God is urging me to reconcile with God… and I prayed to Mother mary to help me to go back to the lord. Of course, I need to make a good confession… but I keep on procrastinating about it.

The problem with me was choosing the priest to confess… quite a real toughie… I must confess… Imagine going back to the parish where I belong and also knowing the priest?? huh huh… But somehow I went to mass one sunday at a different parish and took the courgae to go to confession. I asked for humility and perseverance and in I go… I felt a sense of relief after the confession… imagine being cleaned of all the dirt accumulating all these yrs… I realised God’s love and the Blessed Virgin love and prayers for me are second to none in this world…

Of course, I wouldn’t say 've not been tempted again and again…It’s been a struggle and I told myself to keep on praying and avoid those temptations again…

My advise is to be humble and examine your conscious aand ask the Lord to help you …

hope that helps
 
Good for you!!!

The Lord has taught me a valuable lesson - hopelessness and despair are the seeds of the devil and something he hopes will sprout into the rejection of God’s mercy and Love. Even if it is just a feeling that there is no longer a use in going to confession because we just keep saying the same things over and again, this is enough to break the Lord’s heart, while pleasing the devil.

I now understand that when I have that feeling, it is time to run, not walk to confession and spill the beans.

The Lord also taught me that the turmoil we feel over anything we do is not the bad thing we think it is. It is a good thing. It means he’s still there, lurking and trying to nudge us back. It’s at those times that when we feel he has abandoned us, that he is actually right there, saying, “Come, Follow Me”. Answering that call always means starting with the Sacrament of Penance.

There’s no explaining the awesome power I feel dwelling within me these last six weeks and I know it is the Holy Spirit. The Lord gives me these pleasures now to serve as training wheels and I know he will remove them and let me take a spin on my own. If I should fall, I know what I have to do. How else am I to explain the sudden disinterest in all of my favorite TV programs, my hobbies, and my work - all of the false gods I had in my life. I turned the TV back on after weeks and caught one of my favorite programs on and it shocked me, the filth that I hadn’t noticed before. I turned the station back to EWTN where it has been for weeks. I’m kind of liking it that way.

Pope Benedict taught me the meaning of Truth, right down to my core and it is becoming very clear the many changes that must be made in my life to follow it. We are truly blessed with his man as our Holy Father. And, I’d like to point out that he has turned me around, teaching me without the use of a stick. Rather, it was his words, spoken gently, but firmly and with great love and compassion that caught my attention.
 
And, if I may, here is what he got me on. I could not get away from the headlines, “Dictatorship of Relativism”. Everywhere I turned it kept cropping up until I got annoyed enough to say, “What in Sam Hill is he talking about!!!”. I pulled up the homily in its entirety and read it several times and all I could say, was “Uh-oh!” I had this sinking feeling that I was in some serious trouble. The Lord sent me to my room for a while - like weeks - and I even neglected my house as I tried to figure it all out. My other house needed more work.

From then, Cardinal Ratzingers Pre-Conclave Homily to the Cardinals on April 19, 2005:
Every day new sects are born and we see realized what St. Paul says on the deception of men, on the cunning that tends to lead into error (cf. Ephesians 4:14). To have a clear faith, according to the creed of the Church, is often labeled as fundamentalism. While relativism, that is, allowing oneself to be carried about with every wind of “doctrine,” seems to be the only attitude that is fashionable. A dictatorship of relativism is being constituted that recognizes nothing as absolute and which only leaves the “I” and its whims as the ultimate measure.
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We have another measure: the Son of God, true man. He is the measure of true humanism. “Adult” is not a faith that follows the waves in fashion and the latest novelty. Adult and mature is a faith profoundly rooted in friendship with Christ. This friendship opens us to all that is good and gives us the measure to discern between what is true and what is false, between deceit and truth.
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We must mature in this adult faith; we must lead the flock of Christ to this faith. And this faith, the only faith, creates unity and takes place in charity. St. Paul offers us a beautiful phrase, in opposition to the continual ups and downs of those who are like children tossed by the waves, to bring about truth in charity, as fundamental formula of Christian existence. Truth and charity coincide in Christ. In the measure that we come close to Christ, also in our life, truth and charity are fused. Charity without truth would be blind; truth without charity would be like “a clanging cymbal” (1 Corinthians 13:1).
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What I discovered was that I was not following the obvious “winds of doctrine” I was following subtle winds of doctrine. Among them are a few I list here, and the list is big. I call them doctrines by virtue of the fact that large numbers of people subscribe to them, and even teach them to others.


  1. *]The “I Can Bend My Compass Needle in Any Direction and Call it North” Doctrine.

    The “Everyone Else is Doing it!” Doctrine
    *]The “All Those Good Things I Do Will Mitigate the Bad” Doctrine
    *]The “I Can Do What I Please Because I Know Jesus Loves Me” Doctrine
    *]The “I better not look it up or ask Father if its a sin, or I may need to stop” Doctrine (aka, the “I just won’t educate myself so therefore I won’t be sinning” Doctrine)

    The list goes on and I can say that more people follow such subtle winds of doctrine, such as these. This is not Truth, it is fallacy in its greatest form. There is less grey in morality than institutions have led many to believe. The Catholic Church on the other hand, has been there all along, holding steady the course the ship is on - going North. You can’t travel in any other direction and call it North**.**
 
Just curious… is there a guideline on how often Priests should go to Confession? Do they have to go to the associate pastor in their parish (if there is one), to another priest in town, are there ‘priest only reconciliation services’, etc.

Any priests out there who can answer this? Fr. Matt?
 
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